We all came here because step life was hellish in some way. Either a horrible BM (Bio Mother), rotten skids, and/or a Disney Dad. 

You're young. It's been 3 weeks. Find someone without children. 

Step-parenting is way harder than bio-parenting - and a whole different ball game from working with kids.

At 23 there is no way I would want someone else's 2 year old around. 

I once (in my late 20's) dated a guy who had two kids - one a tween and autistic and one a toddler.  When things started to get serious I realized I didn't want the burden of his young kids, and ended things.  After that I would not date anyone with young kids.

When I met DH his youngest was 18 and away at college - so that was different.  It still is really complicated, but nowhere near the same as a 2 year old!!!

I admit, it is hard to respond to your post without coming on as jaded and bitter - but I will try. First, there is absolutely nothing "magical" about being a step-parent - not one single thing is "magical" in any sense of the word. For those who make it work, it is truly work - a lot of work and compromise and sacrifice. My advice is simple, give this guy a pass. You are young and most of the men in your age range do not have children, so there is no reason to get involved with a guy who already has a child.

He sounds like an involved parent, which is a great thing for a parent - but not such a great thing for a dating partner. He has his daughter most weekends, are you willing to only go out during the week? Are you willing to rarely travel on the weekends? If he is responsible, he is probably paying some sort of child support - so that means he might not have much disposable income - which will limit the amount of money he can spend on "fun" things.

The other thing to understand is that while the term "step-parent" implies you are a parent - you really are not a parent. You have no legal or moral responsibility to the child. The child already has two parents, and you are not one of them. And if the ex is at all difficult,  you will have no part in how the child is raised. If you quit seeing the guy, you quit seeing the child - period, the end.

You sound kind and nice, just the kind of woman who will get hurt in a situation where the man already has a child and an ex.

I would be upset that he wasn't upfront about having a 2 year old.  Should be in his profile or he should have said something right away.  Big red flag to me.

As someone who got into a relationship at 25 with a man who had two kids, and 15 years later finds herself single... I think at 23 you should look for someone who doesn't have children. Right now there is a huge pool of men to choose from for you. No need to willingly enter into a relationship that already has complications before you even start. And step kids ARE a complication, even in the very best of circumstances. No way around it. If you read here, you'll find that many of us have endured our stepkids putting an enormous strain on our relationships. 

Please move on. The whole world is open to you. If it doesn't work out and you end up single at 40. Well, I'll just say that the pool of dateable men is barely a puddle. 

Red flags!!! He wasn’t up front and honest about having a kid…why?   Did he know from the beginning you worked with kids and still did not disclose he had a child?   The child is only two…so how long has he been separated/divorced from the baby mama?  Finally you have not met this man face to face…move on.

Hi - there are a lot of realy great people with year upon years of expeerience in here - check through blogs and forums. We go into these relationships and when younger always hope for the best.

Welcome to Steptalk! I think you are doing a great job vetting this situation out - seldome do potential steppers seek information until so far in that its almost impossible to escape, er, leave.

For me - if you read my blogs (tiresome litany of same issues different ages) you will see that I have a bio parent set that basically doesnt want to parent. We started with them being still married and sailed through the stormy seas of divorce...1 SD almost aged out and one still young-ish. No custody visitation order and no child suuport. They were 2 days on/2 days off, then 5 days on/5 days off.

Cut to now, and we have been married 4 years, SD23 Feral Forger hates me with a passion of a thousand fiery suns, SD16 backstabber/munchkin tolerates us well, hides in her room and we dont do girl stuff anymore - like shopping and salon etc. Shes got 1 year and 9 months to age out and is week on/week off.

One thing that is a total red flag is that he cant meet because kid. Every weekend. Well, some good questions to ask are:

1. "are you divorced? what caused divorce?" kid is 2. If things were bad enough to break up a family with a child that young, its really bad, and that bad doesnt go away, it stays forever. Leads to another question - "what is the bio mother like? What is the current situation with her?" like how enmeshed are they. Do they co parent or paralell parent.

2. "What is the custody visitation like? How does the visitation work" - leave it vague and open-ended so you dont feed answers. 

3. There is so much more!!!!! But thats a little star. Here is a great blog to read through:

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/rules-marriage-274134

You haven't met him, yet? Good, move on and keep looking. You are young enough to find men without kids. 

He should have been up front from the beginning. In fact, it should have been in his profile or whatever.

Being with someone who has kids is a lot to deal with, even if the kids are great. It's a lot of baggage, a lot of responsibility, and a lot of dynamics to navigate. Plus, it sounds like he has his daughter a lot and a lot of men expect the girlfriend to step in and take on the "mom" role, whether you want to or not.

He's been so genuine so far so I'm willing to give it a go

You've only been talking to him 3 weeks and have not met. Of course, he's going to tell you what sounds good and what you want to hear. I have seen my fair share of "bait and switch" situations on this site, believe me, it happens, a lot.

Please, move on and find someone else. Let this guy be a dad, while your 23 year old self has fun dating.

Don't. Just don't. 

1. I was 25 when I met DH. If I could see into the future of how things turned out vs. what I assumed I honestly wouldn't have dated him. SD was 5 and I also work with kids. I had the same mindset! I also work with kids and enjoy them, can't be that much different. Wrong. SKs are a whole different ballgame.

2. What do you know about BM? DH had primary custody and moved 8 hours away with SD. Didn't tell me that BM was in fact planning to move to our state too. In turn, making our lives hell and putting DH through ANOTHER custody battle. I assumed since they already divorced and had a CO, that it was over and done with. Nothing is EVER over in StepLand. (roughly $12,000 later). Be ready to get sucked in BM drama for the next 16 years. I never asked for the drama either. The stress and anxiety that it causes will steal your peace of mind. 

3. Your 20s. As I grew older I felt like I missed out on a ton of things vs. friends my age. Heck even, newlyweds that were still child-free. We didn't have time/money to travel as a couple. Our schedule ended up revolving around his custody schedule w his ex. Which I became very resentful of. SD was involved in restaurant dinners, beach trips, etc. we were almost never able to have a regular "dating" life. Enjoy the perks of being single and childfree! Travel when you want. Order takeout. Stay in your PJs all day. Whatever you please! You won't be able to one day, and wish that you had. Promise. 

4. Also, huge red flag that he was hiding his kid. That's not something you just leave out or downplay when trying to meet someone. Definitely an indicator of a MUCH bigger problem. I'm assuming a toxic BM that just can't stay away...

At 23 you do not need a man with children. 

you don't know this guy. 3 weeks of talking to someone is nothing 

keep looking 

"Genuine" and "hid a child" don't really belong together, do they? I'm curious his reasoning for not mentioning it. Sure, it makes dating harder, but there are plenty of women who will date a man with kids, even a younger man. I was 25 when my DH and I started dating, and I wasn't even close to the first woman he dated after his divorce. 

I think the biggest thing to ask yourself is whether you would have matched with him had he been upfront. If not, end it now. If yes, then proceed with extreme caution taking your feelings into accountfirst and foremost. I think the next big red flag to look out for would be when he would want you to meet his daughter. If it's right away, huge red flag, especially considering he hid being a parent.

Let us know how you decide to move forward and we can offer guidance. Working with kids and dating someone with kids are twoentirely different things,  so don't rely on that experience to navigate this. Good luck!

Run!!!!!! Run fast and run far. 

You are only 23, so you have options. I was 31 when I met my DH and literally settled because I felt that if I didn't I'd be left without completely. I'm 57 now and have been in and out of counselling all these years because when a women enters a relationship with a man with a brat, er, I mean child, she will never ever ever ever be number 1. She will be required to take a distant last place. It's especially so if it's a daughter. To always come a distant last place to another female who is not biologically related to you is very very hard to take. 

Then there's the issue of things working out and you decide to have kids. There will be resentment because you're not first. Your partner has already been through a pregnancy with another woman. That matters a GREAT DEAL to a lot of women. They feel cheated because the man they love has already done it all with another woman. 

Then, there's Disneyland Dad Syndrome and Mini-Wife Syndrome. If I had known what those were, I would have stayed single for the rest of my life rather than had my soul sucked out of me battling those two syndromes. 

Then there's the BM. Even if this guy claims he gets along with her now, she may turn into a crazed psycho once she learns that this guy didn't remain pining for her forever and he had the audacity to move on. If he claims he was never with the BM, it doesn't matter. She may still jockey for position. Also, read up on here of men being way too enmeshed and involved with the BMs under the guise of it "being for the kids." I've seen people on here where these men buy homes, vehicles, etc. for BM and claim that it's all for the kids and in the meantime, the step-mother is paying the shot and working two jobs to support the family.  

Then you have women who are told by their SOs that they've changed their mind about having kids because the dad already has one and to hell with the childless SM who doesn't.

OMG! I could go on and on and on and on. You are 23. You do not need to "settle." I'm 57 and not a day goes by that I don't regret marrying a man with kids. It's been a hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

Do not do it!!!! This guy waited a week to tell you, so he knows it's an issue to come with baggage. Relationships can be hard enough without the presence of someone else's child and all the drama that can potentially come with it. Why the hell did this guy wait a week to tell you he has a kid? He should be up front about being a single dad. It should be in his bio. He pulled the old bait and switch. I would take that as a red flag. 

on your dating account.

As above stated over and over Red flag. He didnt mention he had a daughter.  

For him though, you seem wonderful cause you work with children....you could become the nanny and cook. Ya know the new mommy with all the responsibility but no authority. Please read blogs, forums to open your eyes.

So many of us sound jaded cause experience taught us that. 

Magical?  not the word I would use for the skids described on this site.  Soul sucking might be more accurate.

Blessings young lady. Find a wonderful man who is free and single with no kids or BM attached.

I agree with the above posters. In my experience, stepparenting was the most unrewarding thing I ever had to do.  And I won't ever be doing it again.  I wish like hell someone had warned me about the challenges of stepparenting before I got sucked into it.  Like someone else posted, it isn't magical.  It isn't rewarding.  In my experience, it was constant kid/BM drama, it was me either being expected by mom and dad to take on too much of the parental responsiblity (my first marriage) or being an outsider all the time with a stepkid who turned into an adult, refused to launch while my husband coddled the behavior and told me I was not to make any attempt to parent his son in any way (my second marriage).  I have been through it twice and twice it was a soul-sucking experience.  You will be expected to take on responsibilities of a parent, yet you will have no authority or say in anything regarding the kid because you aren't the actual mom.  If you manage to stay in the relationship and then the child is an adult and won't launch, well, that's a whole new world of anguish and resentment.  Then you've just wasted years of your valuable youth on this relationship.   That's a bitter pill to swallow, trust me. 

I think you will get your feelings hurt and be extremely unfullfilled in a relationship with a man who has a child.  I say this because, like it or not, and no matter what he might promise you, his daughter will always come first.  No matter what.  I know he says he will reassure you, etc.  But, again from experience, they usually do act nice and promise you the world at first until you're committed, then the real sh*tshow begins. And by that time, you have invested time in the relationship and it's even harder to leave. 

Also, I never wanted children of my own.  And I never wanted to deal with someone else's children.  Like you, I questioned whether or not I wanted that both times when I met my last two husbands.  But both times, I was in my 30s and then my 40s, and I was basically settling because I was given promises (sound familiar?) and I also knew at my age, it would be unlikely I would find someone without kids. But in both cases, the dad told me right away that he had a kid.  My point is, if you are unsure about this now, I feel like you are not ready for this and you will be unhappy in the relationship.  You are young enough to find someone closer to your age and without baggage.  And that's what kids are:  baggage. 

Also, I find that strange that he didn't mention his kid IMMEDIATELY.  This is a huge red flag in my opinion.  What else is he conveniently forgetting to tell you?

Sorry if that all sounded harsh as that is not my intent.  I'm just speaking from experience here (last one was very recent experience, so I may be a touch bitter still lol).

Please keep us posted! 

Here is what its like to be  a stepmom. You cook for them. You clean up after them. You give them hugs. You drive them to school. You get up in the middle of the night to give them medicine when they are sick. Then one day they stop loving you because their mom told them you are a bad person and they believed her. Also, you are not allowed to have an opinion on how they are raised, because DH does things his way, and you get to watch the trainwreck.If you say anything, you are the bad guy. That's IF you get along with them to begin with. You have NO SAY in what happens in your own home, because the stepkids run the roost with DH and BM and that is all that matters. 

That's all I got. 

If you decide to be with this guy, you'll be dealing with his ex for the rest of your relationship with him. Kids turn into adults and maybe have weddings, babies, and the ex will be there for all of it. Most people can't fathom having any sort of contact with their partner's ex. My SO is 55, and still doesn't comprehend why his ex texting him every day bothers me. I finally asked him how our relationship would have been if I had kids and an ex husband around. He grimaced. 

He had all the weekend fun with BM.  Now to go out on the weekend the babysitter will cost more then the dinner. 
Yiu must understand that BM is the parent. You can w take care of the SD but BM will over rule you.  BM will get all the glory even through you are doing the work.

The CS will eat up your money.  You will be working supporting the family and BM will be sitting home because she must take care of DD.  Christmas. Holidays will be at BM 

Just run do yourself a favor 

I wish I had. I'm 2 years in and seriously thinking about it anyway. My SO has the child every weekend too and it's a nightmare!