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Why does it just keep getting worse

New_to_this's picture

Three months full-time.

Yep. I just found out that SS14 will be with us for three months. And, this will start either days before or after I give birth. We currently have him every other week and I'm totally sick of him by mid-week. I'm already on the brink of losing my mind with DH due to my hormones and DH spending all his time and money on SS.

DH told me this weekend. He knew it was a possibility for a while, but BM is notorious about not following through with anything that she says, so in order to save me from unnecessary grief, he kept it from me until it was a certainty.

I've been holding back my feelings from DH. I think about divorcing him a lot these day and I know it's because I'm hormonal, but this just put me over the edge and I let it all out. I have no more sympathy or empathy left in me. I do not want SS in my home and having him around for three months after I give birth will drive me insane.

The only good thing that came out of this is that I was honest with DH. He knows I'm not happy, but I don't think he knows how much I think about leaving him. He told me that he wishes that SS would be with BM for three months rather than with us (though we both know it'll never ever happen). He said he was also unhappy with the situation. He admitted that although SS was the blame for his behavior due to his personality, DH actually said that he was also to blame for enabling SS (total breakthrough for DH).

I also told DH that I was going on a vacation without him. I told him that I was sick of him feeling guilty and making me feel guilty too. I haven't been on a vacation in a long time and I don't even try to plan one because everytime I do, DH tells me that SS has to come along. It doesn't matter that SS goes on vacations with BM and that we pay for SS and SD to fly to vacation with their grandparents. Although everyone else is allowed to have a separate vacation, DH guilts me to only vacation if it's with his kids. I told him that I didn't care if he was with me or not, but I was going on vacation and absolutely NOT with SS.

I also reiterated to him that if he pulled anything during this delivery like what he pulled during my hospital stay after delivering DS3, he was not welcome at the hospital with me and the new baby. He could wait at home and see the baby when everyone else does. I told him that I don't need him. I'm not vulnerable like I was with the first. I will ask for help and none of it will be from him. (He and his ex decided to dictate who was to visit me- it's still traumatizing and I don't like reliving it.)

DH responded that he wants to go on vacation with me and that SS was not going to be coming. He said that he knows he effed up royally the last time at the hospital and that he learned and in no way would do the same thing again. He said he understood the consequences were dire. He also said that although he thought I might leave him the last time, he's fairly certain I won't this time around because now I'll be outnumbered with two little kids to deal with. He was obviously joking to lighten the mood, which I do appreciate and like about him.

DH said that he will no longer hover over SS. He will tell him to do something once and let it go and deal with his other responsibilties. He also told me later that, he thinks BM's boyfriend will take SS two nights every other week and every other weekend, so we may not have him as often as we think we will.

DH said that as soon as I wanted to go back to work after being a SAHM for the little kids, we would move. We would go whereever I wanted, whereever I found a job.

Sometimes I feel dumb for trusting DH. Trusting him that things will change or get better. Trusting that he will change to make our life together better. But, I keep holding on to it and I keep growing more resentful everyday.

Comments

advice.only2's picture

Your DH is placating you because he intentionally hid something big from you. So right now he will give you whatever you want...beware!!!

When SD first came to live with us my DH swore up and down that his disneydad ways were done......…yeah 7 years later when I told him I was leaving for good he finally changed his tune, then once SD moved out we were back to the same crap.

good luck to you, be firm in your convictions, know for sure what you are willing to accept and unwilling to bend in.  Blessings on you and the new baby by the way.

Harry's picture

is best for you and your Bio kids.  Disengage from SS. Let DH handle everything with SS.  Get him up and to school, making lunch and dinner for SS ect

blayze's picture

I don’t get it... why does dh have to take SS for 3 months?  Is it court-ordered? 

Maybe it’s in your previous blogs, but I don’t understand how the custody change occurred. 

Did your DH agree with BM that it would happen? 

 

Monkeysee's picture

I was wondering this too, why is it happening in the first place? He said he wouldn’t let BM dictate what happens when your second baby is born, yet suddenly you’re taking SS for 3 months at the same time you’re due? Ok DH..

Survivingstephell's picture

You are a baby incubator.  He cares more about BM than you.  You just have to figure out why you allow it.  He doesn't want  a family with you.  Not sure what he wants but it not what you want.  

ndc's picture

Do you live near family with whom you have a good relationship?  In your situation, I'd be renting a short-term apartment for myself and my kids if I could afford it, and going to stay with my mother if I couldn't.  I would NOT be staying with a gaslighting DH and SS.  

New_to_this's picture

The reason why we will get SS for three months is because BM is getting a new job that I guess will require her to be in training somewhere far for three months. We've dealt with this before from BM. She does long work training sessions and we end up getting the skids full-time for weeks at a time. I think at the most it was a month or two in the past. DH told me she looked for a new job because she was expecting her job to send her away for work for 6 months to a year and she didn't want that.

She did that 5 years ago. She left for 6 months and then told us that work required her to stay out there for 6 months more, but I didn't buy it. She was cheating on her 2nd husband and looking to get a divorce. Staying out there meant that she didn't have to find a separate place to live while getting through the divorce, didn't have to deal with her kids emotions, and didn't have to deal with the logistics of selling the house and moving out. It was all on us and her ex husband. She ended up gone for over a year and DH and I used that to get the skids full-time permanantly (the agreement said that any parent that had no custody for over a year loses custody). Currently we do 50/50. You'll have to read my blog to know why.

Anyway, that is the reason why we will have him for 3 months. I can issue an ultimatum to DH, but ultimately it will be his responsibility to take SS, whether he wants to or not. I can stay at my parents house, but that's just another load of drama to deal with. But, I may feel like I'm being helped more with the kids at my parents' house.

I'm not defending DH at all, but I do think that he had no clue of the timing of SS coming to live full-time with us. I think BM says stuff like this a lot to DH over the years, so I think DH was just as surprised about the timing of all of this.

Again, I'm not at all trying to defend his actions. I'm pissed and sad.

VNichol's picture

I get the same typ of talk with  my BF, he says he will change lots of things and he is "Working on it!" I dont need you to work on anything, I needed these issues to be delt with before you decided to get in a serious relationship with any women! He hates that I express my thought and how i believe s divorced relationship should be, but in my case its like i had to come in a structure the way he handles BM. I ask him one day," Why have me move in and not expect me to know about any dealings with BM, why be in a serious rwrelationsh when you don't want sonesom in your business? For real, rwal talk person to person,not coming from your GF. Just think about it, why be in a serious relationship with anyone if you are not ready for them to be Aal up in your BM business?" 

He once told me he was not going to let anyone tell him how to speak or how to treat the mother of his child........ LMAO!!!! I said you are sure right, when you decide to have me mive in here to play house and expect me to be a wife to you an play mommy to your 3year old, damn right, I have that right! Then iIgot my purse and left.

Sent a text saying ," let me know what time you will be home tomorrow so I can get the my stuff!" 

Hi reply," OK"

I arrived and he was crying and begfibe for me not to leave. We came to some terms and i stayed. 

Things are 100% better, i needed to call his bluff on this one. 

Even though she is 100% blocked from any form of dirext communication with him she still find a way to call while I'm not around from other number. Thats my current issue with him, he faild to just let me know her antics and everything will be good between us. NOPE, no yelling no screaming, just hurt feelings with a few tears and silence. He knows deep down imI'not coming home tomorrow night after work. I haven't told him that's what's wrong with me but he already knows that's the ussue! 

My real ussis is not her, its him not commutating with me! 

I was single with no luck dating or meeting anyone! Im a workaholic and don't date ever at my job. I have no kids, good head on my shoulders with goals I want for myself, a 15 year career in healthcare (same company all 15 years) I prayed for a family and God brought them into my life. I embraced them and cherished that he absanswe my prayers. (Although not my ideal family) I gave him and his son my heart, illI'be dammed if this Meth Momster gets my sanity. 

So my advice is to stay on you hubby about what he says will change / do! If not then choose what you nitpick at wisely and call his bluff if it is down to itI 

My ex used to tell me when I dated him ," you know what your problem is? You have too much pride, you need to put that aside and be happy!"  No, iIjust don't see a reason why to put my All in a relationship to a boy who dont deserve ME! 

The one who deserves me found me and thinks he wont loose me! I may have put my pride aside but I'm my brain won't let my heart be stupid! 

Good luck girlie!