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question about relocating

new.to.this's picture

have any of you dealt with the situation of having to move out of area for jobs which would mean DH being further away from SKids and most likely a change in custody agreement?

how was the decision made, what factors were involved etc?

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SM12's picture

My SD was moved out of state by the BM without warning or informing the courts.
We did finally make it to court but nothing was done to BM.
The custody stayed joint, we just got more time in the summers and on school breaks vs EOW

simifan's picture

it depends on your state as to who the burden of proof is on. For example, here in PA the burden is on the moving parent to prove that the move out weighs losing a daily/weekly parental influence.

If your DH is a NCP, there is usually some sort of standard long distance visitation.

CBCharlotte's picture

Yes, we used to have SD16 and SD13 EOW and Thursdays for dinner (plus extended time holidays and summer) when we lived 20 minutes away from them in Charlotte, NC. DH got laid off and couldn't find a comparable job in Charlotte. I was offered an amazing job in Philadelphia, PA and with skids blessing we moved. We thought DH would be able to find a good job here (no luck yet).

We haven't done a formal custody agreement change (BM and us have a great relationship) but I would think it would go to the state norm if nothing was put in place.

We typically fly the girls up here once a month (they are old enough to fly on their own) when possible. We have only been living here since April so we will see how it works out in the long run.

CBCharlotte's picture

I forgot to answer the second part. It was a hard decision to come to. The girls were all for us moving. Of course, they would miss us, but they were so excited to get out of Charlotte and get to visit another city. DH and I are city people (we live 3 blocks from the Liberty Bell) whereas BM loves suburbia and the girls find their suburb boring. They LOVE coming to Philly and sight seeing, shopping, taking the subway, etc.

We explained that we would miss a lot of the things we go to now, like school concerts, plays, etc. and that they would also miss some things. If we booked a flight, they were coming; we were not going to cancel because one of their friends is hosting a sleepover.

We call and facetime and text to try and keep close. It is hard since we don't see them as often in person as we used to, but I also feel like they enjoy visiting us more here than our old house in (in their eyes) "boring old Charlotte).

DH and I also considered that the girls would be going off to college in the next few years, and are in high school with their own lives. They already were starting to see us less on the weekends (this one has a sleepover, that one has to work, etc) which we totally get, I was a teenage girl not that long ago. I was in a well paying but dead end in terms of promotion job in Charlotte. DH was a banking exec that was extremely highly paid, and we knew there were no jobs like that in Charlotte once he got laid off. Our options were he takes a waaaayyyy lower paying job (thus affecting our ability to pay child support) and I stay in my dead end job, or we move.

If I stayed, I would be putting myself behind my peers in terms of competitiveness in my field by a year or more for each year we stayed, and he had no job prospects in Charlotte. Now in Philly I'm the head of my team and it only goes up from there. I'm able to help more with finances with DH laid off (thanks to my good job and good future), all the skids and DH are insured under me, and we're much happier location-wise. My whole family is from Philly so it is nice to be back

WalkOnBy's picture

In Michigan, the custodial parent can not move more than 100 miles from the residence at the time of divorce without the consent of the NCP. The CP can take it to court, but I have had three friends try over the years and none was successful.

Two had very uninvolved biodads and GREAT job offers in the new town, but were not able to move. One was an in state move, one was an out of state move.

The third had a very involved biodad and he didn't want to lose access to his kids.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Totally sucks when the NCP doesn't even care. Especially when the move would most likely be beneficial to the kids they care nothing about.

a better life's picture

Yes, bm wanted to move away and of course got the skids to think it would be paradise on earth despite everyone clearly knowing she was moving them to a terribly performing school and us showing them the stats and talking about the consequences. We told the kids we would block the move but they were intent on wanting to move, so if we had chosen to block it would have just been major piss fest.

They moved, sd absolutely hates it, wanted to move here permanently, bm wouldn't allow because she wants the ongoing paycheck that the kids represent so now the poor kid has essentially lost her childhood and sits home and homeschools on the computer. bm and grandma (who really is more of a spousal figure to ss than a grandma) have completely alienated ss away from dh due to him having the gall to protest the poor decisions being made for sd. Basically, when the kids get a certain age there is just very little you can do. Sometimes you have to face up to the fact that having procreated with a loser means the kids are just going to have less of an ideal life and that is what dh has had to come to accept.

So basically if your dh is the one doing the moving he needs to just accept he will give up a lot of his relationship and choices. It is VERY easy for the kids to decide they just don't want to come at all for the longer visits especially as they get older and have things they want to do with their friends at home, get jobs, or if there is a vindictive alienating bm there is very little you can do once distance increases.

BethAnne's picture

We moved. Sd came with us. BM agreed. The parenting plan was adjusted. Worked great for us being away from BM, sd misses her mom but is thriving as I (biased I know) think we provide a healthier home and are more supportive of sd's education needs.