Sorry, just a long rant.

SS14 has several mental disorders, including ADHD, depression, and suicidal ideations. I personally think the suicidal ideations are attempts to manipulate his family and I don't think he's actually thought about suicide, but that's on his parents' and his therapists to determine, I just keep my mouth shut about that stuff. I also think that he is bi-polar rather than just suffering from occasional bouts of depression, but again, I stay out of it.

This post is about his ADHD and the upheaval that it's causing in my household. SS was diagnosed with it before I was in the picture, back when he was about 5 or 6 years old. School started 4 weeks ago, and coincides withh SS14 starting to see a new therapist and psychiatrist. This therapist told DH that SS's ADHD means that he has the learning ability of an 8 year old, so DH decided to start treating SS as an 8 year old. This has basically meant that I have no husband to help me since his entire focus has been on SS.

I thought life was going to get a little easier with the stepkids. SD18 left for college this summer, so I figured DH would have less responsibilities and more time to focus on the rest of us, especially since I'm pregnant with baby number two. But, that's not the case. The new therapist, DH's response to the therapy, SS's new high school schedule (he's in marching band), plus SD18's clingy nature means that the rest of us get shafted.

I'm frustrated that I barely have a husband and father to DS3. DH is frustrated because he is spending all this time with SS with no results. I try to explain to DH why I think he isn't getting results (doing things for others vs. teaching them to do for themselves) and he just gets defensive. He tells me that SS will not lauch at 18 if he doesn't do this now. He tells me that he needs SS to be a functioning member of society, so he needs to spend this time on SS. He tells me that marching band is good for SS, so even though it's a complete drain on DH's time, he likes it. I don't want to threaten him with divorce, but at some point if this continues as it is, that will be the option that I'll select.

He tells me that he still doesn't spend enough time with SS, like I'm supposed to tell him to spend even more time with SS. The only way to spend more time with that kid is to actually stand in the bathroom with him to make sure he showers. Ummm...yeah, that will result in yet another CPS visit, which will for certain result in me taking our small children out of the house.

He tells me that he doesn't have time to check SS's homework to make sure it's correct. DH - Yes, if you spend all your time making sure he does his morning and nighttime routine, getting him organized, driving him to all of his events and appointments, lecturing him, playing with him, and entertaining his requests/demands, plus want to have personal time to play on your phone, then yes, you won't have time for everything. I'm disengaged, so you have to force this upon your ex to help you with dr's appointments, "volunteer" school activities, and school events. Or, if you want or choose to do all of it, then yes, you'll have to compromise on some things.

DH - You could compromise by having SS walk home from school, but you choose to pick him up, which means you can't work late and make up time for the appointments you have to send him to. So, you make it up during the weeks he's not here, which should be time for DS and me.

DH - You want control, so you attend every school meeting and all his appointments. He has a mother. She'd possibly step up if you didn't do everything, but you do. You cater to SS instead of being truthful about things, like you are not going to every single game that he will march in when he asks, "Who's going to go to all my games?". You were much better about being truthful with SD18. We didn't go to every play she worked on. Maybe you think he can't handle it, but you are doing everyone a disservice by catering and lying to him. Some parents can attend all of their kid's events. They most likely have less kids and none requiring a lot of medical intervention - you are not in that category.

DH - I personally don't care, but every other dad of a SAHM at DS3's preschool has been to the preschool multiple times to drop-off, pick-up, or attend some weekday events. You've done that once last year. Yet, you regularly leave work for SS's school related stuff, you take him out for lunch after his dr's appointments, and you even feel guilty about not having lunch in the cafeteria with SS while he was in middle school.

DH - You wanted all of his chores and responsibilities in the home to be focused on himself. So, his chores are to brush his teeth, shower, and do his homework and he's failing at accomplishing even the first two. He has no household responsibilities, yet gets an allowance. He doesn't say a word to his little brother. So, yeah, I don't want him around. Sorry if you feel like I should act more motherly towards him. I'm cordial, I cook, and I clean, whether he's here or not. That's all you can expect from me. I've even driven SS to his practices, but only when I decide to. If I thought he should walk, then no, I'm not going to help out. Yes, my standards are different. I have our 3 year old vacuum the dining room with a dustbuster. Again, our standards are different.

DH- SS used to go to the bus stop all by himself and on-time last year. Treating like he's 8 years old this year means that he doesn't even know when his bus leaves and he's been doing this for a month now. You're making him less responsible. I know you think you're helping him by making sure he has everything he needs for school and that he actually brushes his teeth and puts on clean clothes, but you are the one pushing him, so he has no motivation or incentive to do these things without your prompting. Sure, he's clean and his grades are better, but I think this is worse for him and the whole family.

DH - Lastly, I get that you want more from him, but he repeatedly shows you that he's not capable of it and that he doesn't even try. Yes, caring for him is a full-time job. But, you have a full-time job, plus a toddler, plus a baby on the way, plus a clingy college student, plus an angry wife. I can't support you, because you can't support me.