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Thankful for this site.

NewlyBlendedHELL's picture

Hello all! 
I'm new to posting but a few weeks in from lurking.I  found this site while searching for help with my issues. It has seriously helped me so very much these last few weeks. After much lurking I see I am not alone, I am not a horrible human and I'm just at the end of my sanity rope. I don’t know how or where to even start with my madness. I just wanted my first post to thank everyone here. I’ve been a wreck the past few weeks, I’ve lost weight, sleep, I’ve fallen behind on adult responsibilities and truly I’m a depressed wreck. I stumbled across this page about a week into my most recent trip to hell and it has been a life saver! It’s helped me realize and relax a little. My situation is not unique or as scary, now that I know I’m not alone and there is much advice out there from people who've been through it too. Every time I find myself going into a deep hole of sadness, I open up this site and read more into the lives of others in similar situations. I’ve only been a “SM” a little over a year as my SO and his daughter moved in with me and my son. His daughter is usually here 50/50. Usually I say because really she does whatever her and her mother want without the care of what SO thinks. It’s just all around heartbreaking and super stressful for me. As a mother to my own birth child with a 100% healthy, happy and fully kept out of court custody agreement with my DS11 father, I’m absolutely mind boggled to see how other families play out, including the man I love with his HCBM. 

 

So thank you to whomever created this page, thank you to everyone being brave and sharing their stories. Soon I will figure out a way to share mine, until then I just appreciate what this page has done for me mentally. It’s ok to hate your Skid, it’s ok to not want to be around them or even fear them, it’s ok to start disengaging after stretching myself so thin to only be torn apart when things don’t go their way. I’m tapped out, I’m done and watching my SO try to enforce rules but then the kid vanishes for weeks on end is truly heartbreaking. Teenagers are scary, teenage step daughters give me nightmares. 
 

Thanks again y'all

-Newly Blended Hell 

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

so true!  Finally somewhere you feel that you belong, because the role of a SM is an isolating experience. Few understand the dang awful situations we are faced with. Y'all on here get it.  Even though I am done with my step life, this site continues to heal me. The after affects are no joke.

Welcome OP , visit often like I do and these wise SM's can guide you through the darndest hell.

CLove's picture

Im 6 plus years in and have been here more than 4 years. Its a great thing you found us, it really does help tremendously to know you are not alone in this. And that there are others who have been there and bought the t-shirt, and have sound advice. Advice thats REAL. Some things Ive learned:

1. You cannot care more than the bio parents. Custody orders and following them, down to them brushing their hair/teet and bathing.

2. You cannot be exxpected (by yourself or in-laws) to "love them like your own child". You can attempt to treat them equally but the emotions should not be expected of you because thats just not realistic. Unless you have been theonly "mother figure" in their lives since birth...

3. Disengaging is fine. Sometimes thats what you need to do to maintain sanity. I know it helped with my relationship and kept things much calmer.

4. You do not need to "fill in the cracks" if you see the kiddo is missing something. Refer to #1.

5. 90% of the time the issue is NOT the child, it is the bio parents. So many times I see posts "this child is the Devil, I hate myself for hating him/her", and then it comes out that the parents are not parenting. And the kids being allowed to run amuck, without repercussions. 

6. Keep your finances SEPARATED. Keep your job. Keep your home. Always have an escape hatch of some kind. This is good advice even without being in Step hell.

7. No one is completely AMAZING if they are failing as a parent! Period. End of discussion.

8. YOU have rights. YOU matter. Skids are wanting to come over, and you have plans? They need to reschedule their visitation to fit your plans. You dont want a mess in your house? Kids can clean too, their arms arent broken. Disney dad spends all his time with kiddo because BM holds him emotinally hostage by weaponizing children? Well time to kick Disney Dad in the knees and gently or not so gently employ a lawyer to help enforce custody order. Not that simple? Well yes it can be.

9. YOU can leave, either permanently or for the time the skids are there. 

10. Keep reading and posting here! The more you learn the better. No one deserves to be living in Hell. 

 

NewlyBlendedHELL's picture

I appreciate all the advice! I have learned from just a few weeks on here that I have done way too much, overstepped as a step parent and need to step back and just watch rather than do! I felt guilty at first wanting to not do all for her as I would my own child, but now I see it's ok! I can do things for her because I care but I don't have to keep stretching myself thin for a bully. I hope this site continues to help me and many others! Thanks again for taking the time to give me some great advice to remind myself when in doubt. 
 

 

JRI's picture

Just a message here from a 76- year old SM of 3 and BM of 2.  It CAN work out and you CAN come thru it and have happy years with your DH when they are gone.  Of course, I'm here to still work thru the trauma and understand the dynamics, our situation is never easy.  But there is one benefit to it all.  If you can work thru the issues with your DH, helping him raise his kids, it can you bring you very close.  Good luck!