UPDATE.... DH sticks to his mantra "He's not that bad."
DH and I met up with his teacher and principal yesterday to discuss SS7's behavior. DH was 10 minutes late, which, I believe is rude and drives me crazy since it's his son and not mine. UGH!
Both his teacher and principal were very pleasant and understanding. They are concerned because SS7 has not just been off task like DH suspected. There has been significant regression in his school work as well as his behavior. They noticed a difference when another problem child came to the class and his teacher had to spend a significant amount of time with this child, instead of SS7. SS7 saw that this child had a behavior chart which SS7 had worked his way off of earlier this year but since this child had one, he insisted on having one too. They believe he is craving the extra attention. Teacher didn't want to give in to his demands but the principal told her to go with it so we can get him back on track. Principal will also be visiting SS7 everyday, twice a day, to give him some extra attention and make sure he's on track for the day. He will also be in her office completing any work he doesn't get done, instead of going to P.E. or music or recess. SS7 is also constantly getting in other children's space and physically bothering them, so, teacher will be moving his desk to the side by himself where he can't reach or bother anyone.
We also discussed his routine at home and his punishments for bad days. Teacher and principal agreed that we're on the right track, except, that we should focus on the positive days more. And instead of telling him he'll be punished or rewarded - to just do it.
As for lying, SS7 hasn't been telling them any stories about abuse at home. Yet. I can't wait until he thinks of that little nugget. However, we did find out that none of the other kids are being mean or picking on him. Which means he lied to us.
I'm so embarassed they have to do this but DH sticks to his mantra "he's not THAT bad."
On a brighter note, I got a call from a behavioral therapist and I am setting up an appointment for SS7 today. DH and I also attended our first counseling session yesterday and that went really well.
Our therapist told DH that he undermines me and SS7 has formed an "ally" with him against me. That he is part of the reason that I have disengaged and emotionally pushed SS7 away. I had the opportunity to list the things SS7 does to show he is THAT bad and DH shrugged them off. She asked if the things I was saying were lies. He said no. She asked why he would shrug these behaviors off. DH told her I'm over reacting. She told DH that he was being defensive and that he was under reacting.
Our therapist told me that I have to form a bond with SS7, re-engage, focus on our family, and let the issues with DH's family go. She told us that we have to be a united front at all times infront of SS7. So far, I love this woman.
Our next session is in a week and she only wants me and SS7 to go so she can work on attachment with us. She told me that SS7 doesn't know what the "touch of a mother" is because he doesn't have a mother. That makes me so sad.
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He did. And I'm very
He did. And I'm very thankful.
DH told her how he's very open minded and tries to give us space, but, when I'm getting onto him about something that he thinks I MIGHT start yelling at him then he'll step in and take over. She asked him what message he's sending his son. DH didn't know. She gave him the example, if her boss came in the room and sent her away and took over, how confidant would he be in her abilities as a therapist. DH said, not very. And she asked at the next session if he'd want to talk to her or her boss. DH said, the boss. She pointed out that's the message he's sending to SS7 AND to me - that I'm not an adequate mom and that SS7 shouldn't mind me because I don't know what I'm doing. (Which is exactly what I've been telling DH). DH apologized and said that was never his intent.
She asked what he does if SS7 gets in trouble with me. DH says that he'll go into SS7's room and talk to him about having to listen to me and be respectful. She asked what message he's sending DH. DH didn't know. She says it's telling SS7 that if he's bad for me that he knows he'll get that extra alone time with DH. She pointed out that DH is giving him what he wants and not encouraging him to be respectful. On the way home, DH acknowledged this and said he won't do it anymore.
We also talked about table manners and trouble at dinner. She asked where SS7 sits. DH told her he sits right next to him, almost so close DH can't eat. She noted how symbolic that was: DH and SS7 on one side of the table and me on the other. They've formed an alliance against me and SS7 is physically showing me that.
How interesting! Thank you
How interesting! Thank you for sharing this because it is really helpful to me. I see it in my situation all the time. Luckily, my SS12 and I are close but there are times when I feel like he and his dad are married and I am the kid!!
Yes, share away! I hope it
Yes, share away! I hope it helps your SO see past the 'parent goggles', as I like to call them and see your side too.
DH was receptive (see my
DH was receptive (see my reply above).
I've pointed out to DH a million times (litterally) that I have SS7's best interest at heart. It didn't get thru his thick skull until the teacher, principal, and our therapist pointed it out to him.
I also pointed out to DH that everyone in his life (teachers, principals, doctors, dentists, therapists, etc.) act and respect me as SS7's mother, except DH and SS7. DH forgets that I don't have to be here. That I choose to be.
That's something else our
That's something else our therapist pointed out to DH - he doesn't validate my feelings. I'm concerned about SS7's behavior and he's not. So my feelings don't matter. DH didn't say anything in response.
It's so frustrating when I tell him over and over and over and over and he doesn't listen. Then someone else says the same thing and all of a sudden, it's a great idea! He's such a wank!
UGH! He sounds JUST LIKE GG
UGH! He sounds JUST LIKE GG (biodad I've lived with for over 8 long miserable years) I am a loyal person and will easily go to bat for someone if their cause is just. Well GG didn't want my help as I soon found out and would rather "trust" the Behemoth (BM) and her clan over me!! Even over his oldest brother!!!
If I knew that I could launch GG out of my home safely without their being any violent attacks or repercussions, I"d do it in a heartbeat.
The other day I was thinking of everything I'd have to hide (guns, axes, chainsaws, knives) in our home and he'd still be capable of ofting me with his bare hands. So can you exit now before his blind loyalty to his spawn totally overrides any feelings he has for you? Don't wait until it's too late. I have a feeling your DH will just stop going to therapy b/c he doesn't want to hear the truth about his guilty parenting. Sorry to be such a downer, but it's a slippery slope from "doesn't respect your feelings" to "wanting you to meet your demise."
DH doesn't like our therapist
DH doesn't like our therapist to point out the obvious. He doesn't like it when I do it either but she's much more gentle about it. When it comes to handling DH's feelings about SS7 with sensitivity, I'm a bull in a china shop.
I don't particularly like her pointing out my flaws either. She pointed out how DH sided with me in his family dispute and, although I didn't like the way he handled it, he handled it. She told me to get over it (again, in a much more sensitive way).
Yes, I can toss DH and SS7 out at any time. The house is mine. But we are both committed to fixing this relationship and focusing on our family. It's not all about SS7, we have BD1 and BS due in June we have to think about. If our committment changes on his or my part I guess we'll handle that as it comes. It's more likely that I'll walk out on this relationship before he does - sometimes being a single mom of two paying a mortgage, daycare, car, etc seems easier than dealing with DH and SS7.
I tried to disengage and it
I tried to disengage and it just wasn't right for my family. I felt guilty since SS7 has already been abandoned by his mom. It supported DH's belief that I hated SS7, which isn't good for any of us. And SS7 was genuinely hurt by it.
Our new plan is to focus on the positive and for me to bond with SS7 more. We won't ignore behavior problems but we also won't punish SS7 all night for a bad day. His punishment will be swift and then we'll move forward to positive things.
You get more ants with honey than with vinegar. Right?
It seems like, we've tried so
It seems like, we've tried so many paths and we trip and fall on our faces so much as parents. At this point I don't know if this is the right path but this path is better than the path we were on - which was yelling and screaming at each other and the kids.
I believe, if we ever go back to yelling and screaming that I still won't disengage. I'll leave. That's what we're trying to avoid.
Keep that Therapist!!! SHE IS
Keep that Therapist!!! SHE IS WORTH HER WEIGHT IN GOLD!!!
Yep that therapist sounds
Yep that therapist sounds great! She has good insight and is really good at explaining things in a way that DH can "get it". I understand why you don't want to disengage. Right now, your DH is actually working with you to try and help the situation, and so far he seems willing to listen to ways he could be a better parent/partner.
She sounds like a great
She sounds like a great therapist. Disengaging isn't always the answer and doesn't create an embodiment that allows family forming.
You sound like a great mom, that might have just found the right key to developed a great family. I hope all works out with counseling. And maybe by having a united front ss behaviour can improve with less conflict.
I am one that loves rose colored glass and happy endings.