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Suspicious about SD13

NeverEnough321's picture

I have read so many blog posts on 13 yo SDs here and it's clear that this is a rough age. 

OSD13 has been skipping midweek visits, and now she has skipped the weekend visit. This is the first time she's skipped and we just didn't understand why. She didn't leave BMs house when SO went to pick SS14, OSD13, and YSD10 up. Her excuse for missing the first midweek was that she wanted to hang out with her mom. The excuse for the second midweek was that she was still upset over something her cousin said to her during the last weekend she was with us, and that SO didn't stick up for her. (OSD and her cousin are the same age and like to call each other names. Cousin called her a hoodrat. OSD thought it meant slut and went nuts. Cousin apologized but 2 weeks later OSD still hasn't responded to her) SO didn't know it had been bothering her because she was having fun for the rest of the weekend. We don't even see her cousin on midweek visits and we wouldn't make her if she wasn't comfortable anyways. 

SO tried to call her to talk about it since she won't face him in person, but she won't pick up the phone. Now her excuse for not coming for the weekend is that she is not comfortable coming to our home because SO won't take her to HER church, that she was still upset about the cousin situation, and that he has said stuff when he was mad, but act like everything is okay. 

1. OSD has not asked to go to church ever. She gets cranky when we wake her up before 10am on a Sunday. BM hardly ever takes them to church. I know she is not going to church this weekend because she has a cheer event! She probably just went to church this past weekend with BM, and now she suddenly wants to go and is afraid SO won't take her?? It is inconvenient for SO, because SS and YSD don't want to go to church. If SO were to ask BM to pick her up and take her, BM would not bring her back. 

2. Situation with cousin seemed soooo ridiculous. The adults were concerned because maybe OSD had a bad experience being called a slut or something similar, which could be why she took it so personally, even though that is not what cousin meant. I just couldn't understand because they were spending the entire night calling each other names. OSD spend maybe 2 hours upset and was then fine and had a great weekend. She never brought it up again. SO thought it was just something OSD and her cousin needed to work out. 

3. SO used to say dumb stuff when he was fed up with the kids. "You don't need to come if you're going to have an attitude". We have talked about it, and he doesn't do it anymore. The last instance was with OSD a few months ago, and SO made an effort to apologize and talk it out with her. She forgave him and he thought they were okay. 

I knew there was a chance she wouldn't come this weekend, but her excuses were just so strange. My initial thought was that everything was cheer related. She has cheer practice on wednesdays so it makes sense she'd be too tired to come and now this weekend that she is skipping for the first time... she has a cheer event on both Saturday and Sunday. We've taken her to these events in previous years, but her weekends haven't been so packed before. But why would she lie?

SS14 and YSD10 still came and actually seem happier with OSD not here, like they can be themselves. OSD has been recently showing a lot of similarities to BM when it comes to attitude and personality. We've still been able to get along, but I think her siblings are probably turned off by it. SO says SS and YSD were both so chatty in the car, when normally it takes the entire car ride to shift moods from BM's to our house. I am trying to stay focused on the kids who want to be here with us... but OSD's absence is obvious and strange. 

I don't know if OSD is being a typical teenager or if BM is whispering in her ear. While I'm trying not to take her not visiting so personally, it clearly has nothing to do with me, I feel really upset over it. I thought our relationship was decent... I have never tried to mother her, I have always just tried to be there for her and listen when she needed to talk. She's suggested stuff to do and we do our best to try and make it work. She has a room she shares with YSD that she has decorated to her liking. We did fun stuff together, I've helped her with homework, and now it all feels so... fake. She can talk someone's ear off, but she couldn't bring any of these concerns up when she was here?? Suddenly, she's not comfortable coming?

I spent a good part of the night just ruminating on it... and now SO is upset that I let OSD's actions affect me so harshly, especially if he's okay with it and will handle it. I just hate that I can't tell what is teenage problems vs. BM's influence. I now regret getting as close as I did to OSD, and maybe all of them. I'm really losing perspective from focusing so hard on OSD. There are 2 other great skids that are still here, and my SO needs me to be okay. I'm trying to convince myself this is just normal teen behavior.


Survivingstephell's picture

Enjoy the peace.  Make the weekend good for the skids and let them go back happy.  That will make an impression more than any conversation.  Do not let a 13 yo girl know she got to you.  They are way too young to have knowledge of power.  

NeverEnough321's picture

I would never give her that power.. that's why all the venting happens here! I am starting to see a much more peaceful weekend without her and her drama. Her siblings don't seem to miss her anyways. 

NeverEnough321's picture

One of the upsides of OSD not being here is a more peaceful environment and more one on one time for SO and each kid. YSD was tired from a morning event, so SO took SS out for a quick lunch. SS told SO everything. How OSD and BM are now best friends, and that we probably won't see her fora long time. Her not being here has NOTHING to do with any of the reasons she gave SO. Apparently she's been losing friends and even cousins don't want to talk to her because of her attitude, only BM apparently has her back. After she was kicked out of a cousin group chat, she was devastated and BM let her skip school and have a girls day. They've been bonding ever since. 

If OSD needs her mom in a difficult time, that's one thing. But to make her own dad feel like crap as an excuse not to come, that's just mean. Apparently they'll be getting their nails done and more this weekend... because they can't seem to do it on BMs weekends. SO still thought that OSD might have an issue with him... No, SS said it has nothing to do with anything on our end. She is just BMs favorite right now. 

I was still frustrated after learning all this, but I guess it's good to know that we're not doing anything wrong, we're just not BM. We had a nice night with SS and YSD with their cousins, until SO got a call that his uncle had passed unexpectedly. I feel so bad for SO, he can't catch a break. 

Rags's picture

to not comply with a COd visitation schedule.

Every time she fails to comply with the COd visitation schedule DH needs to smack BM with a contempt motion. Every time.

See how the brat likes seeing mommy get her ass bared and embarrassed in court.

Every time!

Parents who do not set and enforce behavioral standards get this kind of shit from their spawn.  Quality parents, while they may deal with occassional hormonal teen crap, do not let it stand, shut it down, and do not tolerate this kind of crap.

Try that.


NeverEnough321's picture

Honestly, we'd prefer to not have OSD here if she doesn't want to be here. She is a mini version of BM and is under her spell right now. She is only going to make visits unpleasant for her siblings and SS flat out said he's happier when she's not around. All she does is try to get him grounded. YSD is a lot more talkative because her older sister isn't there to judge her. SO and I do miss OSD.. when she wants to be here. SO it's still keeping in touch with her to let her know he still wants to see her, but forcing her will only make everyone unhappy. 

SOs and BMs judge is not reliable so going to court is not worth it at this point. We cannot force OSD out of the house when SO picks her up, even if the police were called, they wouldn't force her either. In a perfect world, a judge would hand BMs ass to her, but that is definitely not the case. 

Rags's picture

about applying consequences on BM for interfering in DH's visitation.

Kids are minors. They do not get to make adult decisons. Since BM is not surrendering OSD per the CO, BM needs to get spanked with a contempt motion every time OSD fails to visit. 

Even if the Judge does not make solid decions, that BM has to drag her ass to court to answer the contempt motions, over, and over, and over again may just get BM to booT OSD out the door on visitation days.

Once OSD is there, she can spend her time in an isolated room with no electronics if she pulls her usual behavior.  That shows SS and YSD that OSD's crap is not tolerated and they don't have to tolerate OSD's crap either. Not even at BM/s.

OSD Is a bully. She needs to be put in her place. Even by her sibs.