You are here

How to disengage with SD

NEM's picture

After 16 years of putting up with toxic SD (29 y) hate, non accepting, vicious behaviour ( she's bipolar & border line personality  I have had no contact for 4 years her choice she is now trying to engage my DH which she has claimed she hates and made his life a misery. I have told him he's free to do what he wants with her but I won't put myself in her path again, my question is how do I tell her I'm not interested  in ever dealing with her again my mental health is worth more to me I don't believe she's honest when she says she'll try & I don't trust her only 2 weeks ago she texted DH saying she hated me & wants nothing to do with me her behavior is unrational & manic.


Aniki's picture

Is she blocked from your cell phone? If not, she should be. 

Let your DH know that HE needs to establish a healthy relationship with her for at least 1 YEAR before you will even consider speaking with her. At the end of that year (if it actually happens), you can still say NO. 

NEM's picture

Yes she is has been for 4 years I have had to see her at a family event once where the next day she texted DH as I predicted claiming I was following her all night toilet, balcony for cigarette lol there was only one toilet & place to smoke. Over the 4 years non contact she continually texts every few months & reminds him of her hate for us both especially me. Now he wants me to forgive & forget because that what they both want 


hereiam's picture

my question is how do I tell her I'm not interested  in ever dealing with her again

Why do you have to tell her anything, has she contacted you or just your DH?

NEM's picture

Just DH she says she didn't want to talk to me as she didn't know how I would take it 

Siemprematahari's picture

Darlin' you don't owe her any explanations. Continue to disengage and your H can work on building a connection with his daughter on his time and outside your house. Your health and mental well being come first, so don't allow such toxicity back in your life in any capacity.

Can your H clearly communicate with his daughter that he will rebuild his relationship with her but you do not wish to engage with her?

CLove's picture

You are not required to have any kind of relationship with her - its all on your DH. You do not need to express any disengagement information to SD, at this time. Now if she wants to move in with you and DH that would be a whole different ball of wax.

Now, however, its an outside job. Dh can do what he wants and what he feels with building a relationship with hateful hurtful SD, OUTSIDE of your home and your life.

Our SD20 has no contact with DH unless she wants/needs something. Like a ride to drug test (failed), or money (no job=no cash in bank!) And I have zero input because it impacts me not at all.

When she asked to live with us, DH said "youll have to talk with Clove about that..." crickets chirped

NEM's picture

I have told him this but he's not happy I feel he just wants me to do it his way I don't think he can do her & a 8 year old foster grandaughters on his own " sorry she's never wanted me in her family she's got what she's wanted "

ndc's picture

That is very selfish of him. Stay the course and refuse to have anything to do with SD. Your well being needs to come first.

Harry's picture

You are not going to get normal.  You disengage, by letting DH do what he wants with his DD. Unless it's taking time and money away from you.  As no new car, no trips to the islands. No help with daily expenses.  Then it's up to you 

If you feel you are being disrespected, then do nothing .

Ispofacto's picture

Keep an eye on your finances, make sure DH doesn't give away the farm.  And personally, I wouldn't want her in my house.

DH can see her out of the house.


Justthesecondwife's picture

I got some fantastic advice from this insightful group of steppers. I was second guseesing myself about if I should be the bigger person and do what DH wants and try to be a big happy family.

With the advice I was given I stepped back and saw how miserable my SD made my life and my marriage and my kids, so why would I want to bring that toxicity back into my life. We have been so much happier since SD left out lives, which incidenally DH says himself, although he also misses her and is sad about not having her in his life.

Take care of yourself. You dont have to put yourself in harms and comprmise your happiness and mental health way just to comply with the wants of another person, even if it is your DH. Your SD and her issues were not created by you, so you should not have to bear the burden of the misery and damage.

You don't have to state your disengagement, just stear clear of SD. Don't talk about her or acknowledge her, this is up to your DH to find a suitable path for himself if he wants to have a relationship with her. He doesn't need you holding his hand on this one. You don't need to socialise with her. DH unfortunately created a mess and if he wants to clean it up he can do it on his own time.

I agree with previous posters about clearly setting boundaries regarding money spent on her or given to her. This was an issue which I had to address with my DH (SD stole from us) so that it was set in stone. My SD has gotten all the money from us she will ever receive (unless DH goes behind my back in which case he will have his bags packed) and you should probably have that conversation with your DH.