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update on step-sister and after 9 years of NO CONTACT bio-dad is trying to get back in the picture!!

needhelp2018's picture

I honestly feel like I should sell my life to a producer and let them make a tv series about it! I could make a fortune!!!

Since my last post (Step-sister making a scene at my celebratory dinner and then calling her mom to come get her and waking up the next day to a next message from her mom  saying that i'm the reason why her daughter is starting to hate her dad and saying that i should "back-off") things have been good! Mom, step-dad, sister and me came back from Miami on Friday. Think everyone needed that little vacation! I paid my confrimation fee for medical school - IT'S OFFICAL!!! IN 4 YEARS I'LL HAVE AN M.D!!! and i won't have to move. Mom, step-dad and my sister are really happy for me!! Haven't heard from my step-sister since the day she left and I have to say that the house environment is pretty nice. Not gonna lie, for some reason i miss the kid a little, but until BOTH her and her mom don't apologize to me, she isn't coming back (mom and step-dad's orders) 

Now for the icing on the cake, yesterday was Canada day and my bio-dad's parents asked if my sister and me would go see them for a bit. Just cause their son (My Bio-dad) hasn't seen or talked to us in 9 years doesn't mean we have to cut them off too. Both mom and step-dad actually encuraged us to spend time with them. We go and have lunch and we're just talking, then my grandma says that she has something she wants to tell us. She tells us that Bio-dad is moving back to the city soon and wants to meet with us. Let's just say my sister wasn't impressed. She basically says that he had nine years for that and he didn't, so why now??!!. Then my grandpa tells us the what's been going on in my Bio-dad's life recently. Apparently, his daughter(8) passed away from lupus a couple of months back and this has caused a lot of friction between him and his wife. Put it short, their getting divorced. I'm literally sitting there and I say "and". After him and mom divorced 9 years ago, he moved to a different province and completly cut-off me and my sister. Complete radio silence for 9 years and now that he's losing everything he suddently remembers that he has two kids. I'm not saying that we should have been the top priotiy to him but at least we should have at least mattered to him enough to keep in contact with us. I explained to my grandparents when he left I went thorugh a lot. i went depresssed for nearly a near. I was a mute. I didn't talk to anyone and if i did, it was very brief. Mom put me in councelling and that didn't work cause I wouldnt' talk. I just sat their staring at my feet for an hour. My sister went through stuff too but she was more concerned about me. When mom and step-dad starting dating, mom took things very slow for my sake cause i was terrfied that she would leave my sister and me too. My step-dad took things very slow for my sake as well. They he didn't move in until after a year and a half of them dating and both of them asked me if i was confortable with it. I started repecting my step-dad when i overheard my mom and him talking about potentially moving in and my mom told him that they would have to wait a while longer cause she didn't want to push me over the edge (whatever that means) and my step-dad goes to my mom "I totally understand that, i want needhelp to be confortable around me too and  I don't want to think i'm taking you from him. I dont want him to view me as a threat, i want him to see me as a friend" WHO SAYS THAT. Only a one of a kind human being would think about someone else's kid like that.  When Bio-dad was doing god knows what and god knows who, my step-dad was here making sure I was safe and okay. That's probably why i'm so close to my step-dad. Mom even says that more closer to my step-dad than I am to her. I love them both but can you blame me? Can u also blame me for developing "feelings" (btw I made an apponitment to see a therepist next week to overcome this in a healthy way)

Grandparents said that we were being childish and looking out to punish bio-dad and that he's my dad and will always be. Would I be childish if i decide to not have a relationship with him when he moves here? Like what happened in the past is in the past, no one can change it. Life goes on. I moved on. Bio-dad is my "father"- he did bring me into his world but he lost the right to be referred as my "dad". My step-dad has raised me for 9 years and where i am today is because of him and my mom. He cares and loves me as if i was his own son. Step-dad was there for me when I needed him the most. He is my dad (even though i don't call "dad", I consider him my dad) and no one is going to change that!!! not grandparents and not bio-dad. I don't hate bio-dad the truth is i don't care that much about him to even hate him(i know it sounds bad but that's how i feel). His marriage ending and his child passing away is not really my problem. I can sympathiaze for him, but that's all. 

Am I really being childish and immature for not wanting to have a relationship with him??? Does that make me a bad person??? My grandparents told us, they gave him our numbers and e-mails!! What do I say if/when he does contact me??

Man, all i asked for was a drama free summer but I have a feeling this just the calm before the storm. 


Survivingstephell's picture

 I think you and your sister should meet your dad for dinner in a public place and hear him out.  Give him that chance to explain himself, then if you still don't want anything  to do with him, you will have a clearer conscious about it.  

notasm3's picture

Meh - if you don't want to see your bio father then don't see him.  DNA is meaningless.  Anyone can donate sperm - sometimes at a sperm bank, sometimes from a ONS, sometimes in a valid marriage where the male goes missing after the child is born or sometimes even during the pregnancy.  Donating sperm (or an egg) is not being a parent.

Why would you have any love for someone just because there is a DNA connection?   Go to any of the sites like 23 and me and you will most likely find many, many people who have DNA connections to you.  Do you automatically "love" those people?

I have two close friends whose fathers (married to their mothers) deserted them as infants or toddlers.  They are long grown and feel less than nothing for those men.  I have a cousin my age whose father left his mother (married to her) when she was 4 months pregnant.  Again - zero feelings.   My own father was abandoned (along with his siblings) when he was 2.  He never had a single memory of his father.  Nor did he care.

qtpie013178's picture

I can relate some, my dad froze me out for close to 20 years because My SM saw me as a threat to their relationship. It’s a very long story, but the condensed version, she was our next door neighbor and they had an affair for several years under my mom’s nose, they became a couple when my mom filed for divorce. My dad and I reunited during a recent separation, but they reconciled and we still have minimal contact, mainly on holidays.

Regardless of why, your biodad was MIA nine years while he chose to be in a new family. You owe him nothing.

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't think you're being childish and your grandparents shouldn't judge your decision to not see him. Do some soul searching and if your instincts do not wish to meet with him than don't do it. I'm sure he has his side of the story and God only knows what that may be but if you're not comfortable, don't entertain it. You can always keep it open should you reconsider and change your mind in the future but for right now if you are not feeling it, than you owe him nothing.

Iamwoman's picture

I don’t think you need this added stress and drama in your life.

You just got your home life straight and happy, and you’re headed to medical school. If your grandparents told your dad anything about your life, he should respect that you don’t need this right now.

In addition, there is a part of me that thinks your dad may have gotten wind of your medical school entrance! If your dad is hard up for money, he may be trying to win you over before you become a big-time doctor, so he can claim he was there before you had money... if he is financially fine, then he may want to claim your successes as his own (ex: four years from now- “That’s MY son the doctor!” Or even right now “MY son is in MEDICAL school!”).

I would be careful if I were you. The timing of this situation is way too coincidental...

I can’t tell you what decision to make one way or another, but if it were me, I don’t think I would agree to visit him until I’M ready... and I wouldn’t be ready until I finished school, internship, residency, and landed a nice paying job. In other words, I would want to be completely done with the growing up process so that when I meet my dad, I am an adult standing on my own two feet and he can’t claim any influence over my successes.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, it is 100% up to you how you want to respond to your father.  Now, you should allow for the possibility that there were valid reasons..or at least reasons that might have some weight.  In fact, you might find that some people close to you were actually part of the reason why he couldn't be present.  You  may think you know.. but unless you give him a chance to explain himself.. you really don't know the whole story (just the one you were told and what you saw from your perspective).

Now, if you choose not to forgive and still think he should have done "more" you are not obligated to maintain a relationship with anyone that you choose not to.  Just keep in mind that as adults sometimes things aren't black and white and that people make decisions and act in ways for a variety of reasons and that doesn't necessarily mean they are evil.. but in some ways may be weak or powerless.

I would meet even if it was to let him know how hard his absence was and that you think it would be hard to forgive and forget at this point.

beebeel's picture

Stepdad helped raise you for 9 years, but by my math, dad helped for 12 years. I'm not defending anything your father did after the divorce, but I also know as a preteen when shit went down, you have a very limited view of reality. 

Maybe the death of his young child has given him a changed perspective. Who knows. I'm sure you have plenty to ask of and say to him. I think meeting and having a conversation would help both of you, whether it is for closure or a new beginning, it could be healthy.

Areyou's picture

You don’t need to talk to him. You owe him nothing. He wants back in your life to resolve his own personal issue. It’s not for you. If he cared about how you felt he would have contacted you years ago. You don’t owe him this.

notasm3's picture

One of my friends who was abandoned as a toddler inherited oil and gas rights (didn't make her a millionaire - but it was a substantial amount of money) from her stepfather.   Her mother remarried when she was 2 and her SF always treated her the exact same as he treated his son with her mother.

Shortly thereafter her bio father who she had not seen in 30+ years showed up, said he was broke and sick and wanted to know if she could help him and let him move in with her.  She was dumbfounded. She declined the offer and then blocked him.  She laughed when she told me that she couldn't believe his nerve.   He meant no more to her than a stranger on the street.

Evil3's picture

I think for your sake it would be a good idea to meet with your bio dad for dinner and hear him out. Not for his sake, but for your own closure and to maybe tell him what you went through when he failed to keep you and your sister in your life. If you really don't have that need, then don't bother. My DH's dad left when DH was little and DH and his siblings never forgave their dad for not making an effort to stay in their lives. My DH is stb 61 and still has no regrets whatsoever for not meeting with his own father when he asked. The man ended up passing away and DH and my in-laws still have no regrets. They say the man brought it on himself and there is no excuse for not keeping your kids in your life. So, I totally understand where you're coming from if you just aren't interested. However, if you need that bit of closure to just have it out with the guy, then I would recommend taking the opportunity to do so.

Oh, and this fellow Canadian wishes you a belated Happy Canada Day!