STEP DAD FOUND OUT MY FEELINGS FOR HIM FROM STEP SISTER!!!
I'm really sorry that this is like a essay! it's just i really complicated situation and i NEED help.
My mom has 2 kids, myself (son-21), and my older sister(26). When my mom first started dating my step dad, i was 12 years old and i was in a really bad place. My mom and my bio dad got divorced and my dad moved to a different province to be with his new woman and complety has ignored me and my sister(really bitter about it. me and my sister both agreed to cut him out too!). Mom and step dad started dating when i was 13 and married by the time i was 15. Before they got married, they both sat me and my sister down and wanted to tell us what is going on and asked if we were okay with it(mom is the best!! she said that if we weren't comfortable with it, she won't do it). My sister was happy for my mom, where as i was indifferent about it. How i was feeling was noting to do with step-dad btw. i felt alone, abandoned, and invisible but i never took it out on my step dad. How could i? it wasn't his fault. They both asked us if we wanted to ask anything etc. so i basically told him point blank "you can be my friend, you can be my best friend, but not ever try to be my dad. The word "dad" doesn't exist for me". My mom and sister looked a little shocked but they understood what i was going thorugh at the time. My step-dad handled it pretty well! He basically said that he understands what i'm going thorugh and that he would always be there for me and if not a dad then maybe i could consider him a friend one day. Well he became more than a friend. He became one of my best friends! he was true to his word. He taught me how to drive, he took me to hockey games, he helped me get my first job, he bought me a brand new car for my 16th birthday, he was there when i needed to talk to someone, he helped my with my weight issue (when i was 15 i was kinda of the rounder side and now 6 years later, i'm in the best shape of my life). me and him had a lot of one-one bonding time. You get the point. He is one of the most important people in my life (next to mom of course). I granduated at the top of my class and i got a free ride to university and he took me to LA as a graduation present cause i alwayed wanted to go!. He is the most amazing i've ever come to known. All he does is gives and never asks for anything back. For him, a smile is enough. In a way, he brought me back to life.
My step dad has a daughter(15) with his previous wife who comes to my house every second week. This girl is crazy!!! she no respect for her dad or my mom (me and my sister didn't really like her so much cause of it). She never did anything! everything had to be done or given to her! She was lazy,rude, and just unpleasant to be around. My sister and myself did things without being told i.e keep up after yourselves, clean your room, clean the washroom, take out the garbage etc but with this girl....HOLY my mom would ask her at least 4 times to do something and she still wouldn't do it. She was so rude to my mom and step dad and they would punish her for it, but she still didn't/wouldn't care. Her performance in school sucked from what i heard and her dad (my step-dad) feared that maybe she would start doing drungs! one night i overheard mom and step-dad talking and they basically were saying that if her behaviour doesn't change, she won't be allowed over anymore. i actually felt bad and sorry for her cause of her actions, she would risk not seeing her dad. Basically i decided to help her out. i started basically being her "big brother". I helped out with her homework, made sure her chores were done before the parentals would yell at her, dropped her off to school and picked her up, and helped her with her attiude(at her age, who doesn't have one). Within like a month, there was a change. Her grades were getting better, she actually was listening to the parents, she got her leaners!! step-dad didn't knoe how to thank me . Everyone thought that she turned over a new leaf. WRONG!!!
She had a really bad habit for going into my room and taking my things without asking! i would repeatedly tell her not to but sometimes she would do it and say"oops". i would forget about it. My feelings regarding my step-dad are still here. The only one that knows is my sister (she's a psychologist and i am only confortable with tell her right now). She doesn't live at home anymore, so i go to her house to talk to her openly. She basically told me how i was feeling for the past couple of years is totally normal and it is quite common and noting to be ashamed of. Istarted keeping a journal as way to get my feelings out and in the open and hidden at the same time. i never wanted him or my mom to find out. I didn't want my relationship with my step-dad to change or did i want my mom to feel as if i would ever try something cause i would never (not gonna lie, step-dad is pretty nice to look at. i've seen how women look at him)
Yesterday i was in my room just writing in said journal. i wasn't writing about any sexual or anything. Just how i felt about him and how i am working to overcome them. i left my room to use the washroom and as i came back, THE JOURNAL WASN'T ON MY BED!!! i knew my step-sister took it. I ran around the house looking or her and i went downstairs and i'll NEVER forget what i saw. my step sister gave my step dad my journal and he read the page!!!! He looked at me and i did the best thing i could so the moment. i ran to get my keys and ran out of the house. i was crying and shaking so much. step-dad followed me and kept calling me, but i ignored it and ran to my car and drove off. i know it wasn't the right thing to do. Just i felt really exposed and my flight or fight response took over. i literally drove all over the city and parked in a parking lot and just cried my eyes out. As i'm writing this, i'm still crying. i spent hours just drving around the city trying to cool my head. eventually i went to my sister's house and told her everthing that happened. My sister isn't a violent person, but she wanted to go to my mom's place to beat the s.... out of my step sister!!! my sister told me that my step-dad and mom were looking for me cause they were worried cause i didn't call or anything and by how i left the house, they were worried. My sister called my step-dad and mom and them that i was at her place now. Step-dad wanted to come over to bring me home, but my sister told him to hold up on that. I was shaking and crying like crazy! she said it would be best if he waits the night and call again tomorrow. I feel so ashamed right now. like why would my step sister do this to me??? what did i ever do to her??? i jus wanted to help her and this is what i got for it. I feel like my relationship with my step dad and mom is ruined!!! He probably hates me now and my mom will probably want to kick me out(i'm crying while writing this). MY STEP-DAD WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS. MY MOM WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS. i don't know about my relationship with the parentals, but I refuse to have a anything to do with satan's mistress!!! what did i ever do to her to deserve this!!! i feel like a betrayed them both. can't even look at myself in the mirror right now cause i feel like a failure
SOMEONE PLS TELL ME WHAT TO DO??? i really could use help right now!! i feel like i'm drowning, can't sleep, can't breath, i feel like i'm gonna puke, and i'm crying a lot. i'm really scared