You are here

Need Advice to Move On

needanewlife's picture

My story is long to tell, but in a nutshell, my H and I have 50/50 custody (we are the primary residence)and I am still dealing with issues that transpired from the custody dispute. The BM is a jerk. She claims to the skids that she loves them than anyone else could, but based on her passed actions, it seems she loves herself more. She chooses to live over 800 miles away from them, rarely visits (will spend approximately 3 months with them by the end of the year) and anytime she has the opportunity, convinces the skids that we are the reason she can't be with them. This had driven a wedge between the skids and I. DH's youngest has no respect for me, but I partially blame DH for that; he has no respect for me either. The oldest is apathetic at best. For five years I tried, I really tried, but lately I can't stand it anymore and I am dishing it out as much as I am receiving. I don't hit or call names, but I find myself yelling more often. I hate what the situation has changed me into. I don't even recognize myself. I feel like a monster. The worst part is that my daughter is suffering from seeing my behavior. I have tried counseling many times but it just isn't working to suppress the anger and anxiety I deal with regularly. I still care for the skids, I just don't want to be around them anymore. To top it all off I found out DH had an internet-sexting affair with a co-worker last August. Caught him twice with the same slorebag. After everything I've done for him and his rotten sperm catcher(taking the skids to DRs and Dentists when BM never took them, signing them up for sports and Boy Scouts when BM and DH wouldn't do so, and allowing them to have social lives they never experienced with either parent)I feel like a loser. I allowed both of them to take advantage me and to be honest when the skids treat me like crap I can't help but feel like they are turning out to be just like their parents. Which brings me to today. Before it gets worse, I need to get out. I don't need this anymore. I need a peaceful life. I have put my daughter's and my needs aside for the last five years for DH and his spoiled kids. These days she is emulating what the youngest skid is doing because she sees all the attention he gets from his unacceptable behavior. She's lying all the time like they do and I absolutely hate it. It was not supposed to be this way. The only way I feel I can protect her and reclaim my identity is to leave and start off anew. I don't trust DH anymore and every time the skids treat me with indifference or disrespect it is like a hot poker searing through my chest. DH is never home these days because he works all the time and I am left to tend to his responsibilities. I need advice about how to leave and what resources are available for a soon-to-be ex-stepmother/single parent. Has anyone else found themselves in this situation?

P.S. My daughters Bio dad is not in the picture at this time so there is no support coming in from him. I will be left to go it alone on my own.


knucklehead's picture

Too many to count, I'm sure.

You need to decide what's important to you.

When I decided to leave, I had 4 kids and was a SAHM. Scary.
I got a job. Sold the house. Sold the car. Sold...well, nearly everything. Provided health insurance. Saved what I could. Filed for support (which I don't get.)

You need to see what you NEED to live on. Not car payments, or fancy smartphones. How much do you make? How much is a 2 bedroom apt? Would you qualify for any assistance?
Be prepared to go it bare bones. Your self respect is worth it!

needanewlife's picture

Thank you for the advice KH. I'm not as high maintenance as DH. I was considering taking the car and heading out west. I have lived a minimalist lifestyle before-without a TV or a car-my cellphone (and plan) is the cheapest you will find on the market. I'm more afraid of re-entering the work place and struggling to find the resources for child care. I think some states provide financial assistance. I guess I am just scared that's all.

Purplemom's picture

This is going to be my go to answer from now on.... check out the book co-dependant no more. I am about 1/2 way through and it is eye opening. You can do it, it will work out. WIll it be sucky for a while? yup! Will it get better? YUP! You will feel so much better, and you can handle more than you think you can!

needanewlife's picture

Thank you all for the suggestions, advice, and support. I'll be getting the book and checking out the local shelters to see what I can find as far as assistance go.

Hanny's picture

Do you not have any family you can stay with for a month until you can get a job and a place to live?

While you are checking out shelters and what else is available to you, please do not let your husband know you are doing this. Your exit must be your timing, not his. And remember that you are married, and even though you are not working outside the home, you are working inside the home and taking care of his kids, you deserve half of what is in your bank accounts when you do leave.

needanewlife's picture

I have a sister with whom I may stay with while I am regrouping. I kinda messed up by telling DH that I couldn't do it anymore and that the only option I was considering at this time was divorce. At least I know he won't screw me entirely because here in NC infidelity is illegal and even though he may not have been physical with the chick he works with, she pursued him and sent him dirty photos so If he were to behave like a jerk, I could mess his and her world all up.