SD Graduating college, but lying to all about degree
Hello Everyone! I am a newbie here and I hope I can do this...this blogging, venting and have “friends” here that understand!
The SD graduates college this weekend and boy am I dreading the interaction with ex’s. Here’s some background on the SD and maybe you can understand why I disengage as much as possible.
1.) we got my SD (then a 16yr old) a good used car...she bitched and griped for a month until she got her mom and aunt to buy her a brand new car. She handed the keys back to my husband and the look on his face was awful. This is the first time I was slapped in the face and it did something to me.
2.) When the SD turned 18 we found out that she had plans of going to an out of state college. Her mother and aunt promoted this. My husband was against it...he felt she should stay in-state and apply for the numerous scholarships that would be available to her. She didn’t want to...it’s all about a status with them.
3.) Literally 3 days before moving the SD off to this out of state college (remember she was going to this college for the wrong reasons) the SD was arrested and charged with 3 felonies...selling drugs. My husband and the BM had the nerve to say it wasn’t her fault she was set up. This is not the truth....she had been videoed by cops numerous times. Instead of making her stay in town and face what she had done. She went off to school and has lived a life of luxury. She doesn’t have a job and uses the felonies as a reason why she can’t get a job. But, she can check in with her probation officer every break and jet out on a trip.
4.). Fast forward to this weekend and we will be graduating from this out of state college. DISCLAIMER: I am happy that she did follow through and get a degree. But, it’s a big lie....and my husband is in on it. They are telling everyone it’s a nursing degree. It’s not a nursing degree. She didn’t even go to nursing school....she can’t grt into nursing school due to her criminal record.
5.). After graduation...she is going to attempt to get into some nursing school. This nursing school costs triple what nursing school costs in the state I live in. She will apply and hope she gets in(remember felonies).
My husband has blinders on when it comes to his daughter. He also has a older son. The way he treats them is daylight and dark. I have been around for a while now and have learned that whatever the daughter says is how it’s going to be. She is perfect in their eyes.
What will be a breaking point for me is when I will be asked to help pay for that nursing school. I mThis is when I will go bat shit crazy. For years I have set back and watched her work and sometimes I put my two sense in, but I received the go to hell look.
Is this wrong in me? I want to teach my own child that you don’t get everything you want. Things cost money and you have to work for these things. Everything that I have been taught and what I plan to teach my biological son, his father does right the opposite with his BD.
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How old is your son
He does not have to know all the details about his step (half?) sibling. You and DH need to discuss this in private. GL
My son is 6
I agree totally...I will never discuss in front of our child together. When I start having problems is when her lifestyle is being kept up or money. I would never tell my husband to not support his BD. But, I think you also have to raise your children to be responsible adults and this has not happened with this one. Example: last week my husband wanted to call his ex to get his BD ss number. I asked doesn’t your 21 yr old BD know this...(I was blown freaking away). He said I don’t know...so I’m just going to ask her mother...REALLY...
I still can't follow what is really bothering you
Of course, talk to DH about money.
Her not knowing her SS number is not a money issue. I get it, you hate her. You may be justified, but you have to communicate to DH what to do. I think money is a real issue. The other stuff, you do not get to control. GL
1. Your SD didn't slap you
1. Your SD didn't slap you in the face right? you just are upset because it hurt your husband's feelings that she didn't want the used car he got for her. Her MOM ponied up for a new one.. would you have preferred they used the car he bought as a tradein? Look.. perhaps she should have been more grateful for what he gave her.. but her mom obviously was guilty of indulging her.. not your DH's fault that happened...and nothing your household could do about it. I would have shrugged.. sold the used car and taken a trip..lol.
2. Your SD wanted to go to a fancier college and her mother encouraged it. My SD also had dreams of attending fancy schools.. til she figured out there was no one to pay for it.. lol. So she is working full time now and going to school PT. Kids don't always realize the true gravity of financial strain of things... they want what they want. They don't understand. Her mom is fostering this attitude.. there is not a lot you could do about it.. I suppose your DH could say he wasn't going to pay for any of it.. but that's about it.
3. Sounds like both parents think their llittle girl was a victim of circumstances.. but alas.. this will follow her. and her parents aren't always going to be able to fix the impacts.. it may take time.. but someone other than mom and dad are going to say no at some point.
4. So what IS her major? is it perhaps something in pre-nursing? and.. yeah.. at some point she may be able to become a nurse even with felonies if they are older and as time goes past. I would have a problem if your money was being put towards any of this.. but if not. then time to
disengage...
Look, you can't make this girl a better or more grateful person. You can set boundaries in your life.. but you can't control 100% what others do..only your reaction. if you don't support this "sham of a degree".. don't go to the graduation. Let DH go alone. You don't have to pay for any of it.. you don't have to be involved at all.
Yes disengage
You are so right.
NO. When asked to help pay,
NO. When asked to help pay, that is your answer. NO.
Repeat after me... NO.
Obviously, BM has plenty of money since she has already gifted SD with a new car.
SD is not your child and NOT your responsibility. Not legally, not financially, and not morally. Your responsibility is to your 6yo. I think you should take a YUGE step back from all of the drama surrounding SD and concentrate on your child and your marriage.
SD is graduating. The
SD is graduating. The graduation program will list her degree. If it's not listed under the college of nursing, it's not a nursing degree. I wonder how SD will spin that one.
DH needs to realize that parents don't usually pay for school after a college degree. (Well not anyone I know does.)
Perhaps a visit with a financial planner would help DH realize that he needs to stop finding this child's desires.
As to the felonies, if SD has stayed out of trouble for a certain number of years, in some states, she may be able to get her record expunged.
What will be a breaking point
What will be a breaking point for me is when I will be asked to help pay for that nursing school.
^^^^^^Why on earth would you be expected to pay for her nursing school??? What she decides to do and the school she attends is on her and you should have no parts in financing that. In fact I would disengage and let your H and his Ex deal with this hot mess. It's sad that your H and his Ex are showing her its ok to lie (the nursing degree). What a great disservice they are doing to her and simply ignoring and sweeping everything under the rug will not help her to be an independent, functional, well rounded adult.
What is your H's behavior showing/teaching the other children in your house hold? That its ok to lie and get away with things because you dont have to take accountability....It's a d@mn shame, really!
I can't imagine she'll be
I can't imagine she'll be getting into nursing school anytime soon with a felony drug conviction, especially SELLING drugs.
Why in the world would you even consider paying for nursing school for this girl? It's not your responsibility and you clearly have no desire to do so. Just say no.
I have never met anyone in
I have never met anyone in real life whose parents paid for their degrees behind undergraduate. I only ever read about it on steptalk. Able bodied adults I know wouldn’t even dream of accepting their parents paying for their graduate schools or specialty degrees. It’s insane. Talking about failure to launch...
I know plenty of parents who
I know plenty of parents who paid for (or at least helped with) a graduate degree. My own parents paid for my sister's masters degree. She's not a failure to launch - my parents still had money in her college account because she'd gotten a full tuition merit scholarship for undergrad and she was going straight through. She had a great job lined up at graduation and is fully self supporting. She could easily repay my parents, but they don't want the money back as that would defeat their estate plan. Plenty of kids from my high school had parents pay for both undergrad and graduate or professional degrees. I grew up in an affluent area - parents had the money available and valued education, so they helped their kids. Most of the people I know who got help with post-grad education are successful professionals, not failures to launch. And many of those parents who helped also had parents who helped. That's what some families do.
Now, the OP's situation sounds totally different. Her SD sounds like an entitled brat who torpedoed her own career plan by making poor (and illegal) choices. I already said there's no way I'd help pay for the SD's nursing school in that situation. But I don't think it's inherently wrong for a parent who can afford to do so to help their child with educational expenses, regardless of the level for which that help is given.
I know parents who have paid for grad school
I dont see it as failure to launch, per se.