When you ground a teenager...
for sneaking around with a 20-yr-old, what's the FIRST thing you take away??
All the electronics/communication devices, amirite?
NOT BM!!
SD16 (turned 16 last week, so this was when she was 15) got busted as she came home from our house after Thanksgiving. BM didn't take a damn thing away. I guess she "forgot". Just like she "didn't notice" SD16 sneaking a MAN in at night, and was out "having a life" when SD16 was sneaking him in the house in the afternoons. (BM has been unemployed for over 18 months) After SD16 was slung into a mental hospital for getting hysterical (after getting busted AGAIN) two weeks later and threatening to cut, the hospital reported the lowlife scum.
The police called DH last week - they are the FIRST agency to give a rat's ass about letting him know what is going on in his daughter's life. The idiot lowlife is now on the run from the police for rape (the statuatory rape is the 3rd rape charge for him) and he's apparently expecting a SECOND crotchfruit any day now.
SD16 sure can pick them, huh?
The electronics issue came out when the police asked for them for evidence - turns out SD16 BROUGHT THEM TO MY HOUSE and was sending naked pictures to YET ANOTHER 18-YR-OLD. So that's evidence in a SECOND child porn case.
Today BM called DH sobbing - SD16 has chlamydia.
I'm done. I have some VERY harsh things to say to SD16 about her behavior. I'm not against casual sex, and I'm not even against teenaged sex - but sexual behavior needs to fill three criteria - safe, sane, and legal. She's not even trying to do any of that. I'm going to chew her ass ragged about this bullshit, and then I will inform her that I will no longer participate in her drama. She has set herself up comfortably as The Victim and is trying to pull DH and I in as The Rescuer (http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html) She doesn't WANT to behave, she just wants sympathy for how HORRIBLE her life is. I will not be her cheerleader any more.
DH has rescinded her former invitation to live with us. We will not stand this kind of behavior in our house. BM needs to clean up her mess on her own.
Oh, and DH also got a call from SD16's therapist. The therapist says that SD16 shows ZERO signs of any mental illness. DH told BM that - BM is going to fire the therapist. Can we say doctor-seeking? BM wants someone else to fix her mess. She wants to drug SD16 into zombiehood. Her initial complaint against the therapist is that she "wasn't teaching SD16 coping skills." Hello!! Isn't that the PARENT'S job??
This bitch has as much business being a parent as I do making my living as an artist. (for reference, even my stick figures are crooked, and I have zero imagination) She is the most useless, helpless specimen of so-called adulthood I have been forced to interact with in the last 10 years.
My only beef with DH is that he called and confronted SD16 before I got home, so I didn't get a chance to chew her ass. His reasoning is that he didn't want it hanging over our heads all night, but dammit, he's throwing road blocks in front of the last thing I have to do before I can disengage.
Fucking teenagers! What's the saying? We need to be able to put 'em in a barrel and feed them through the bung hole - at 18 we can decide to let them out or to drive in the plug.
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Comments
Yikes. The bright side is she
Yikes. The bright side is she caught a disease that can be cured, not one that she'll have all her life. Best of luck to you
BM is directly responsible
BM is directly responsible for how her two sons turned out.
34 - dying (really), prison, gangs, violence beyond belief, drugs, alcohol, name it he's done it.
24 - drugs, alcohol, jail (no prison yet), homeless
She had to maintain "total control" which meant nothing until they were teens and then she checked out. More interested in her ex-heroin addict boyfriend and spreading her legs for ANY man who asked.
I swear - how are they surprised when their crotch dropping turn out to be anal droppings.
at least she got an STD and
at least she got an STD and not a crouch dropping.
Disengage to save you sanity she is trying to drag everyone around her down, and is just looking for attention. Good Luck
wow, I am so sorry you are
wow, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I can honestly say when I was 16 I was a hellion. I didnt drink or do any drugs, but I had a lot of sex with boys/men much older than I. I felt the need to fit in and had no father figure so older boys were my target. That is no excuse, but that was my reasoning then. My parents never said a word about me doing it even though they knew I was doing it. I had stds (nothing long lasting), no pregnancies, and a self esteem lower than anything I can imagine.
I'm not saying that what she is doing is right or excusable. A counselor that can show her that she is worth more than a piece of arse to some guy will do wonders. Once I saw that I was worth so much more that a one night stand I changed my life. I enrolled in college, stopped having any relations, didnt date and did some soul searching. Sometimes it doesnt matter if you have a strong support system or not. I always missed that father in my life. I am not blaming your SO for not being in the picture more bc I know in a lot of cases the BM actually causes the seperation by PASing the skid. If your SO can try to talk to her and ask why she felt the need to do the things she did without being mad or accusing her. I hope this helps and I hope I am not coming off as attcking or giving the skid excuses.
Why didn't your DH step up
Why didn't your DH step up and bring her to live with him if her mother isn't capable of controlling her? Why did he rescind the offer? Seems reasonable... Hell, logical... if everyone is worried about her behavior and how her mother is dealing with it, her father would take control.
Maybe she doesn't have mental health issues, but she sure as heck is looking to lovers to get the male attention she craves. That's how girls usually act out when their fathers have little to do with them. I know this because my own daughter went through a period of promiscuity trying to get the affection she craved from her dad. It really isn't always the mother's lack of parenting skills that cause these issues. Sometimes it is the father's apathy.
My ex never did step up. I really can't respect a man like that.
Dodgegal and Former, I was
Dodgegal and Former, I was the crazy teenager too - I just started a couple years later and NEVER GOT CAUGHT.I landed myself in an emotionally abusive 4-yr relationship when I was 19, and it has taken me over 15 years to recover my self-esteem from my behavior.
BM says that SD16 is doing this because she lack a father figure. DH gets visitation every chance he can get, when she was younger he would make the 15 hour drive every long weekend, and she has had a stepfather for over five years. I had an intact family, and still acted out. In my case, I was relentlessly bullied from the age of 8 on. I believe that SD16 doesn't feel unconditionally loved in her house and is looking for that validation.
Doesn't matter - she wants to make adult decisions, she can suffer the adult consequences. I too contracted chlamydia in my early 20s - unfortunately, I can't say that it taught me anything. DH wants to repeat her HIV test to scare her more. I can't see how that'll help.
To everybody else who is
To everybody else who is asking why we don't have custody:
a) BM is a control freak BPD/NPD. She swears she will drive her family into bankruptcy to prevent us from "stealing her daughter."
b) We are long-distance NCPs - we're 1000 miles and 5 states away.
c) We are dual-military from outside of the custodial state. We contacted a father's rights attorney this year and she stated that she had NEVER seen a NCP military father from out of state gain custody of a child, regardless of the child's wishes and age.
d) If we pressed on with trying to get custody, it would either get thrown out of court (apparently marriages, multiple moves in a short time, and child's age and preference do NOT constitute a significant change in circumstances) or it would turn into a mud-slinging battle. BM and her H belong to the biggest church in their small town and her H is a bit of a local bigwig (small pond and all). We're uppity outsiders who want to take a girl away from her mama. The cost of a war would run $20k-$40k easily, with little to no chances of winning.
Our hands are tied. We HAD offered our house up to SD16 any time she could escape from BM, but no longer. There is no guarantee that living with us would fix her issues, and I won't have her coming up pregnant on MY watch. Her mother created this spoiled brat monster, and she can live with it.
The most horrible part? Outside of running around with the wrong boys, she's actually a pretty good kid. Respectful (outside of lying about her behavior) decent grades, doesn't drink, smoke, steal, or do drugs. Does chores around the house. Loves me, and actually connects best with ME of all 4 of us. I think ripping her a new one will shake her - she NEEDS a wake-up call. If it doesn't, well, I'm disengaged anyway.