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"She's just your father's wife!!"

NCMilGal's picture

Ah yes, the gems I get to hear from SD14... Apparently, BM has flipped out on SD14 when she called me her stepmom. According to BM, I'm NOTHING to SD14, certainly NOT a mother-figure, I'm just her father's wife. Sounds familiar doesn't it?

Meanwhile, SD14 is in the middle of her punishment detail; she's writing an essay about the dangers of letting teens have unlimited/unmonitored access to technology. We had (and will continue to have) some serious talks about growing up and adult things like dating and sex. I'm pretty satisfied that SD14 is taking the talks to heart; either that or she's an outstanding actress.

BM drives me nuts. She thinks DH is still her dog to call to heel, but he refuses. She won't let SD14 chose her own hairstyle or clothes. SD14 doesn't even want to do anything outrageous - she wants to grow her hair long, maybe color it a darker brown (NOT black), wear something other than pink, and wants to wear a 1-piece swimsuit because she's uncomfortable with her body. BM insists she keep her hair at shoulder-length, and bought SD14 a bikini and pink clothes (capris, T-shirts, etc) and tries to force her to wear them. How in the world does BM expect her daughter to make serious life decisions when she's not even trusted to pick out her clothes?

It's a good thing we don't live nearby; someone would end up in jail for assault or murder, and I'm not sure who it would be.


purpledaisies's picture

I know what you mean!! My bm does the sames thing, she won't even let them brush their own teeth! Yes it creates lots of problems. One major one for me is that the boys can't think on their own like when they get up all they do is want to be on the games and don;t get dressed, eat or brush their teeth b/c they are soooo used be being told what to do when do it and how to do it they just gave up and let bm do what she wants and they say yes ma'am.

So sorry for your sd I'm sure it is very frustrating. I know it is for my step sons they tell me. I don't know what to tell you but just do what you can for her.

NCMilGal's picture

Actually, the joke is on BM. She's spent so much time telling SD that "as a good Christian, you MUST love EVERYBODY!!" that SD14 is really a very good-hearted girl.

SD14 told me about the comment and added that it really upsets her when her mother says things like that. She also told me that she would be singing hallelujah the day she would be able to move out of her mother's house, although she still buys into the "emotional devastation" ploy that BM pulls on her, so she won't ask us to fight for custody. (IMO, it's more likely that BM will miss the CS than the daughter she tries to get rid of every summer, but what do I know?)

NCMilGal's picture

Yes, 900 miles here.

BM is a super control freak, and favors her younger child over SD14 - it almost feels like she punishes her daughter for daring to have a father who didn't run off.

SD14 - goes to public school
Brother6 - goes to private school

SD14 - gets shipped off to any family member or friend who will take her in the summer
B6 - spends the summer with BM and her DH who adopted him; no pesky BD to get in the way!

SD14 - gets her beloved books sold out from under her
B6 - gets every toy in the world

SD14 is noticing the favoritism and while she loves her mom... doesn't want to be like her, or even be around her longer than necessary.

We might have hopes of salvaging a real adult relationship with this one. BM will get a cease-and-desist-all-contact letter from us as a HS graduation present, and we have our intel feed (SD) for when BM's teetery house-of-cards credit nightmare falls over once she doesn't get CS.

I did some internet snooping; the two houses have identical incomes, but BM's monthly expenses are at least triple ours. She's got her credit stretched to the last dime, and it'll HURT when that $10k/year (equivalent)goes away.

MamaBecky's picture

My oldest SD was instructed not to call me mom by her BM because it would upset her...which is all that SD needed to hear and of course she has never and will never call me mom now. That is completely fine. My youngest SD started out by calling me MamaBecky ( for the first year after I was regularly in her life and then just switched to mom on her own. I think it really bothers my oldest sd that she cant call me mom now. Sometimes I hear her refer to me as mamaBecky (but never to my face) and she does introduce me as her "Stepmom" to her friends which is indeed better then "dads wife". I wish that her BM wouldn't have put that pressure on her and just let her call me what feels natural. I can tell she particularly wishes to when we are doing things with my family. She calls my parents gma/gpa, my bro's and sisters her aunts and uncles, my nephews her cousins. She is adamant to correct anyone that doesn't. When my parents refer to me to her they call me mom "go ask your mom) and she responds usually smiling because she seems to feel glee to "fit in" the family dynamic. I would never tell her to defy her moms wishes but sometimes I do want to just hug her and say its ok honey, you can call me mom if you want to I wont tell her. Of course I would never really do that.