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One of the most frustrating things about the NCP gig

myspoonistoobig's picture

I'm in a financial support office today, rehashing my bills because even with DH getting a better job, things will still be tight paying for SS's daycare and the airfare to get him here and back.

It occurs to me that one of the reasons I occasionally get into a preoccupation spiral with BM is that is that so much more of my life revolves around her than the other way around.

Our child support payment is more than her house payment. I do not begrudge her her child support, but that's the reality of it. And while I also understand that she can do whatever the hell she wants with him when he's there, since she's the mom and it's her house. Our money is basically paying for the shit she feeds him. The soda before bed. The candy stash. All of that. Coming out of our pay.

Every time I manage to save any money at all lately it ends up going to airfare so we can get him here, and usually back too, because she's terrible with money. Someday we might be able to use that in court, but not before it costs me a few more thousand dollars.

And she's doing her best to replace SS with her new husband, or new "Daddy." A man who for some reason is totally cool with a kid he's known for three months calling him Daddy.

DH gets his time on the phone, but she makes no effort to keep SS from playing video games or watching movies during his time. It's rude but there's nothing we can really do about it. She can continue to easily victimize herself and talk about what a deadbeat DH is, despite the fact that we filed for her to get CS, and deliberately hold SS to no standards for time with DH because she's the CP.

And because she's the one getting the money, and she only has to part with SS for maybe 3 months out of the year, she can comfortably ignore us whenever it suits her.

Must be nice.

Comments

myspoonistoobig's picture

BM moved away, but at the time we didn't have a court order. We had to fight from states away to get paternity established.

When BM had SS, she told DH that he couldn't be on the birth cert. because they weren't married.

When I had my daughter, I found out that BM was a fucking liar (big surprise), and had DH put on the birth cert. despite us not being married yet.

Disneyfan's picture

Are you sure he didn't agree not to be on the BC and just told you this crazy lie to make himself look good? It's hard to believe that a grown ass man would fall for such a silly lie.

Often times men agree not to sign the BC so that mom can get benefits without the state going after dad for CS.

myspoonistoobig's picture

I could see many a man falling for it, especially when in many hospitals, if you are married your name automatically goes on a birth cert. with or without your consent....

Many a deployed man had to deal with reversing some of THAT bs when they came home.

When he originally told me that's how it was I was bothered but not altogether surprised. There are a great many things in military life that make NO sense at all. Sometimes legal issues impact servicemembers differently. Take maternity leave in CA, where everyone is guaranteed 3 months by law, except a servicemember who would only get 6 weeks. When we enrolled in the new parent support program and were given the declaration of paternity paperwork we obviously found out that this was not the case.

12yrstepmonster's picture

My skids are just 30 mins away, and we got the same treatment.

CS for two was more than my mortgage/property taxes/insurance
Dh asked for skids every time he was off/ they were out of school.
We had to beg for summer extended stay
We bought clothing/shoes/winter coats for her house and ours

He became a bad dad when he enforced rules and enforced visitation, then he became horrible when he quit enforcing visitation and stopped the ATM feeling.

Dh became a "sperm donor" when he emmancipated a 21 year old that had dropped out of college, and not living with BM.

I understand child support, but I cringed every time I heard BM say that she did it on her own. That it was a struggle. When she lived in a 160k house, and showed income of 42k a year and skids would complain about not having food.

It's a lot to handle and keep your sanity.

bronx mom's picture

I would also like to know who relocated in this scenario.

My stepkids' mom relocated to a southern state, and when I think about the impact it had on their dad, the kids themselves, the financial devastation, and her total failure to apologize or even acknowledge the unfairness (and illegality) of what she did... I get so furious. (I also get furious at my husband for allowing it.)

And since the divorce happened in NYS of course we get to pay until they are 21. Even though they both live here now...

Sounds like you've got a mess on your hands there, especially with that "daddy" business.

If she created the distance, he should definitely go back to court.

myspoonistoobig's picture

She moved, but at the time there wasn't a CO in place. When they left we had to wait 6 more months to file at all until residency was established in the new State. I couldn't get legal aid through my job because he's not my biological son... etc.

Pain in the ass.

At least we have a CO now.

And we'll be moving there at the end of my contract.

myspoonistoobig's picture

True story, and I think I've been tempted to point that out when DH's mom gets all crazy. She doesn't really like me being with him.

But tough cookies lady. YOU are the one who told him that the only way he could "do right" by his son was to marry a woman you KNEW was out of her mind. SHE went nuts and kicked him out the day before their wedding because she was convinced he was banging strippers at his bachelor party with his friends in Vegas because his friend took his phone and wouldn't let you badger him and talk him into coming home early. YOU are the one who demanded he go back and "make things right." YOU are the reason we are now paying out the nose, instead of doing it right the first time. HE believed you, because you are his mother and he trusted you.

Lesson learned you crazy old bitch.