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Fairly new step-mom at wits end

MyMistake's picture

I found this website while looking for a resource to help me in my feelings of loneliness and depression as a fairly new step-mom. I have been married for a couple years now and I think the situation with my step kids is much worse that when we were first married.

I feel terrible saying this but I cannot stand to be around them for more than a couple of hours at a time because they drain my energy so much. But their mother passed and I am kind of the only mom they have.I hate feeling so guilty, but I am not happy in this relationship at all and mostly feel like a glorified nanny and maid...not a wife. I guess my thoughts on marrying a widower were too idealistic,(Sound of Music, anyone?) and now that reality is set in with these kids, I am just at my wits end. Sad

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bay's picture

This website has some wonderful support!

in addtion to stilltrying...
What is getting worse about the situation?

MyMistake's picture

Well, my husband and I dated only about six months before we were engaged and married five months later, so almost a year. His wife passed four years ago...and it really just doesn't seem long enough to me. I felt really pressured by him to marry quickly and now I know why, I think he really had no idea how he would care for his kids long term and thought I would do a good job at it.

Daughter is 8 and son is 13. I was never told about the issues the son has though, and the older he gets the worse they have become. Currently he is on meds for ADHD, Tourette's and Anxiety. But many people (family, etc.) have commented that they feel he might have Aspergers based on the summary of all his symptoms and quirks. Worse still he is a compulsive liar and very manipulative with people to get his way. His sister also follows suit on the manipulation side, but my husband can't see past it most of the time. I have even overheard them planning and conspiring in the room the elaborate events they conjure up to get what they want from people. I try to be a good influence by being open and honest with them, but mostly I feel they take advantage of my good nature. Now it seems like I have to be one step ahead of their antics. They take my personal things, go through my drawers and keep what they like, or use it as a toy or what have you. No respect at all. They are also very lazy, not hygienic (I find fecal and mucus smears on the walls almost weekly). All of this and more is really starting to grate me beyond belief.

I wish this was all there was, but my husband, although he treats me well and can be sweet and charming, I feel he too has been manipulating. I didn't know this before marriage but he has a pretty bad problem with alcohol. I have no idea how much he drinks, but on the days when he has had too much it is just ridiculous. We always get in fights over it and I ask him how he can do that around his kids and he will apologize and what not but it usually goes back to the same after a while. I feel like i am holding up this family and getting nothing in return.

I gave up my job when we moved across the country for my husbands new job last year and I feel very much alone here. At least back home I had family and friends close by. That not to say things were great back home. I was constantly being compared to my husband's deceased wife. Her family hated me and would ignore me to my face and whisper and stare at the kids birthdays etc., even though I was the one that took the time and effort to do it all for them.

I thought moving away from all that would be good for us, but now I feel so alone because the moms in our town are very cliquish. My husband is fair haired and so are his kids but I am latina and look nothing like them, so a lot of the time I am treated like a babysitter at best when people meet me. I cry most days because my life feels so upside down.

Before meeting my husband I had a career, a nice house I owned and I was a very happy optimistic person. Now I feel so negative and I can't help it. I feel as if I was tricked into something I didn't really want...and now I feel even worse for confessing it.