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Any Good To Come From Sending Money to Angry Absent SD??

musical1's picture

Submitted by musical1 on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 10:19am

My SD was PAS'ed to the maximum by her very angry and manipulative biofather 2 1/2 years ago. Biofather was mostly absent in SD's life until she hit 13 yo, then he suddenly made a lot more contact and turned on the massive PAS behavior and promised Everything imaginable, BMW car, Blackberry, free access to alchohol, etc. finally culminating in the purchase of a "County Club" home in FL and agreeing to let SD's girlfriend come and live with them too! SD gave up on school with us and was failing classes refusing to even go to school demanding to move to FL from VA to live with biofather. We reluctantly agreed with no options left to us. When we found out about the GF moving also we objected and when GF's parents realized they were lied to by biofather that we supposedly supported this plan which my wife and I knew nothing about (and did not support!) GF was pulled out of the move at the last minute. SD was extremely angry that GF was not moving with her!! Biofather is living alone with no wife or girlfriend for many years! SD moved out in a rage at age 17 and rarely will respond to us and rarely contacts us. She has had some problems in FL and we have gone down to see her several times, however she acts like she "hates" us. SD is PAS'ed to the max!! SD is now 19 and works as a waitress and lives with a 25 yo boyfriend now.

My wife has started just randomly sending checks to SD, $200 each time. Checks are sent with "no strings attached." Sounds nice. I am not so sure that this is a wise thing to do. I would be happy to send money to SD and pay for school classes if SD had any kind of goal like this. Given that SD walked out in a rage from our very nice home to live with biofather who is still today very much PAS'ing her, and that SD is just working part time and partying (she's 19), living now with a boyfriend, does it make any sense to just start sending checks with no strings attached? Is this really just an attempt by her mother to encourage SD to respond to us, or will this more likely just enable more bad behavior from SD? I am on the fence on this one. What do you all think?? I need some perspective here. Thank You!

Comments

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 10:36am

I wouldn't send her a dime. She's just going to feel entitled and you will be enabling her. You don't give money to adult children that they haven't earned unless you want them to feel entitled and enable their bad behaviour.

Tough love is needed here. I would send her a letter and letter her know I will always be there for her. I would continue to send birthday cards (without money) and an occasional note to leave the door open. She's grown now and has made her choices even though she has been manipulated by Dad. As she gets older, she will likely start to see things more clearly and mature. If Mom had her for the first 13 years, she should have a good foundation to know what's right/wrong. Kids grow up al lot by the time they turn 25. Once she realizes what a loser dad is and grows up, she will likely come around but not if you enable her.

Sending her money will only make things worse.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 5:30pm

At most, if she chooses to head back to school, offer to pay her school loans upon successful completion of each semester. YOU set the acceptable grade level for loan pay off. If it was my money I would pay 100% for A's 10% for B's and ZERO for any other grade. You might as well set the expectation high. If she does not finish the class(es) with appropriate grade performance the loan is hers for life.

At least that is how I would approach it. She is either drinking or snorting the $200.00 "no strings attached" checks your Wife is sending if I had to hazard a guess.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)