You are here

1Stepchild and Ex calling the shots

Mumabear75's picture

Hi Everyone!

I have been with my current partner for approximately 18 months.  I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship, which visits every 2nd weekend. I have been a big one with raising my kids with manners, respect for their elders.  Where my partners son doesn't use them or want to use them.  We even have trouble with getting him to eat normal meals (not take out). Which drivers my daughter insane.  My partner and myself have tried to approach mister 10s mum for help and she doesn't want to help or support us.  Which causes my partner and his ex to fight and argue.

My partner currently lives in a one bedroom apartment which I have helped furnish to accommodate enough beds for everyone if we happen to stay.  He son has decided to say he doesn't feel comfortable sleeping here with us there to. As he says he feels that he doesn't have his own personal space.  He only wants his dad and him to be there. Which this is only a temporary thing until his dad's Lease runs out in June and we are looking at moving in together.  Which myself and my daughter will be moving to the northside of Brisbane, so he is still close to his son.  My daughter will be moving away from her school and friends.  I don't want to up root myself and my daughter if this behaviour is going to continue.  As master 10s mum always seems to call the shots, to keep master 10 happy and my partner seems to jump to her demands.  As she uses master 10 as a pawn.

 I have booked a weekend away and the accommodation will be a similar set up as my partners place.  He says that he will be fine with being there.  I feel he uses the personal space thing as an excuse when it suits him. 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Am I over reacting??


Disneyfan's picture

Why are you moving when you already know that this man doesn't parent his child??  

Why does your daughter even what the boy eats?  As annoying as the 10 year old sounds, I have to give him kudos for speaking up about the sleeping arrangements.   I'm actually surprised that the 14 year old girl isn't uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements.

She's bother by what he eats, simethat has zero impact on her.  However,  she's perfectly fine with the weird sleeping arrangements which does impact her.  Weird 

I suggest not moving when this guy's lease is up.  Tell him what you need to see before you make the decision to live together.   If he's serious about this relationship moving forward, he will get a 3 bedroom apartment and start parenting his kid.

Assuming your daughter only has 3 more years of high school, I would stay put.  That would allow her the opportunity to graduate with her current friends.  It will give you the opportunity to really watch your boyfriend and see if he is really invested in putting in the work needed to create a home situation you will be comfortable living in.  Anyone can fake it for a few weeks or months.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I'm with the others - and would like to add, why are you blaming BM when all parenting in your BF's home is on HIM, not her. He's the one getting him take out and letting him be rude, so blaming BM for your BF's parenting is putting the focus in the wrong place. It's not her job to "help you out" with the kid when he's with you.  It's HIS job to be a good parent and teach his child manners and good eating habits.

Also agree on the sleeping space issue, can't blame him that he doesn't want to be crammed in with his dad's GF and her daughter.

Listen to your doubts here - and also listen to your daughter. It's not fair to uproot her PERIOD but definitely not for a situation that you have reasonable concerns about. Let him know you will consider moving in when she's out of the home, and in the meanwhile, you'd like to see him be able to parent his son without blaming BM for the problems.

Survivingstephell's picture

Find another man.  They are a dime a dozen and I'm sure you will find one that either has no kids or can parent and be a true partner for you.  

Don't settle for less. 

tog redux's picture

Or at least one who can parent his own child without blaming his ex for all of the child's bad behaviors.

SteppedOut's picture

This. Partners like this typically expect their gf/wife to do all the parenting of their child (many without giving authority).

Cover1W's picture

Yes, we see it again and again here. Future SM is very, very involved as a parent role before living together and partner with problem kid eats it up, but seems to be the innocent dupe.

Do not move for this. Date and watch carefully how he parents...or doesn't.

Mountains's picture

Please don't uproot your 14 yo daughter - this is not a situation that is in HER best interests at this time.  Why make her leave her school, friends, and stable life for a situation that less than ideal now and will quickly slide into nightmare?  Think of what is best for your daughter because no one else will...not your SO or anyone else.

SMto2's picture

PLEASE don't make YOUR daughter leave HER school and friends so you can move in with a boyfriend so he can be close to HIS child! She's already from a home that either is broken or just one parent. (Not sure your back story.) However, I agree with the others who say you should put her needs and her stability first and let her finish school where she is. In the meantime, I also can't see how a 1 BR apt. would work for a couple and two kids, one male, one female, especially with the female being a teenager. Further, it sounds like you're way too involved in what's going on with the bf's son when you say "we" have trouble with getting him to eat normal meals. That's not really your issue to get involved with--that's your bf's responsibility. It sounds like you'd be so much better off just to date this guy and you stay in YOUR place, at least until your DD graduates high school. 

Monkeysee's picture

Uprooting your 14yo DD in 4 months time to live with a Disney Dad and his spoiled, ungrateful kid... yeah, I see that ending really well.... 

Your SS is right about the sleeping arrangements, and I agree I’m surprised your daughter hasn’t mentioned it being uncomfortable either. Why would you ever agree to take your child away from her friends & school so you can live with a guy who’s clearly a terrible father? Why would you move all the way to him anyways? Why not split the distance and live somewhere in the middle (and that would be ONLY if he started taking responsibility for his crap parenting instead of blaming everything on BM). 

Do yourself and your kid a favour, stay where you are. You have a responsibility to protect your kid from hardship/drama like this, and moving in with this guy is the absolute opposite of that. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

You stated, " I don't want to up root myself and my daughter if this behaviour is going to continue."

Have you seen anything, anything at all, that leads you to believe it won't continue?  Everthing in your post indicates that it most certainly will continue.  Don't uproot your daughter.


hereiam's picture

There are a lot of people, on this site and in real life, who went ahead with uprooting themselves for a partner in hopes that "everything will work out" and "things will change".  It rarely works out that way.