You are here

Lighting the fuse

MSloan86's picture

For whatever the reason, I think my wife sees my views regarding SD as trying to ‘get at her’ where I see them as trying to put responsible boundaries in place. In counseling the therapist has told my wife that my reactions and attitudes are very paternal. Ive also pointed out how I am the one BD knows means business and shes only 2.5. She will drag out bedtimes with all kinds of crap with her mom, but I put her to bed 3 nights a week, no drama, no long drawn out process…

So Ive pretty much distanced myself from things SD does that don’t impact me, my BD or the home in general. I either walk out of the room when she starts whining to her mom about any of a number of things to get what she wants. I have a tough time dealing with the level of disrespect she shows her mother so I walk away.

I do care about her and I am worried about her because she really has no set boundaries. Rules are made to be broken and ignored.

So now something has come up that I have to take action on and I am worried about how it will be handled.
Recently we had some of my wife’s family stay for a weekend visit. SD’s uncle has always teased SD in various ways since birth. At one point he picked up her phone and said something about looking through her contacts. SD freaked, maybe panicked would be a better word. The look on her face then the shrieking she did told me she was clearly afraid he would find ‘something’ on her phone. She really looked frightened.
DW and I had given written rules to SD about phone use. It included putting the phone in the kitchen on its charger each school night by 10PM. Well when she started keeping it overnight, DW did nothing. (as usual she is blind to what SD is doing)Overall I am pretty pissed with DW by making things so much harder for me. It would be easier if we made no rules rather than make rules then ignore when she broke them.

Under my current role of disengaging step-on parent I would ignore the phone thing with her uncle. But I kept seeing her face and I knew something was wrong. So she was in the shower and left her phone out. So I took a quick look in the photo folder and there are clearly inappropriate pics there. I immediately closed the phone. I don’t know if the pics are of her, someone else, or how many there may be. I couldn’t look through them to try and figure it out.
So my main emotion is sadness. Im saddened how kids are doing these things and sad that my SD is one of them. ‘Sexting’ is in the news quite a bit these days. She is 13 years old and may be sending pics of herself to who knows to end up who knows where. At minimum she is getting them...

So I need to talk to my DW about this. SHE has to address this with SD in some way. I feel like a bomb has been planted in my house. This is gonna get messy and I am lighting the fuse by forcing my DW to open her eyes and DO SOMETHING! Either SD will become a total nightmare out of shame, embarrassment, anger, etc for her parents finding this, or I will loose it if DW doesn’t take real action. She may be upset with me for looking, or invading her privacy. Whatever but as a parent you need to see the warning signs and act.

Ive been sick to my stomach since I found the pics and I have been trying to figure how to start the discussion with DW. Im worried she wont take action I think is appropriate and it will become a huge issue with us. Plus SD will clearly see that I am trying to push for action and so I will suck even more and the worse things are between SD and myself, so goes things with DW.

Basically Im doomed.

Comments

Everyones Interest's picture

Hey MSloan,

I feel bad for your situation. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with it for many years, but I know how I was when I was a kid...and all I gotta’ say is thank god cell phones/texting/Internet were not around back then!

After reading your blog, I did a quick search thinking that maybe if you gave your wife something concrete then maybe she would be more likely to really take this seriously. I came up with the following link:

http://today.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=595725

Any Mother has got to be afraid of predators in regards to their pre-teen/teenage daughters. I would also think that looking back at her life and maybe some risky situations she put herself into (we all do it to some degree or another) that she would want to educate her daughter on the dangers of this practice. Not to mention that it is such a hot topic right now in America and it seems like your representatives are really jumping on the bandwagon and 'cracking down' on offenders...would she want her kid labeled as a sex offender? I think not!

Good luck, and I hope that maybe the link (or others that you may find) will get through to your wife and a fight won't ensue! This is highly important stuff! I wish my Mom had been more open and honest about the dangers out there for young women! or at least drilled it home for me that I am NOT invincible!!!

kaffonseca's picture

And as her parent I randomly look at her myspace and her phone. This was an agreement we made when she first was allowed each, ESPECIALLY the myspace. I talked to her about it and let her know that I was not an "angel" at 14 and I know what is going on at her age. She wanted a phone and myspace soo bad that she agreed. I used to go thru her stuff all the time and thank god never really found anything. A few times I did find nasty texts from boys and luckily I knew the families so I was able to talk to the dads and that has since stopped. But my heart goes out to you!

She is VERY lucky to have a SD like you!!!! I grew up HATING my SD because he was very strict ( too much so he even admits). I never have known or met my BD and my SD came into my life when I was 9. I resented his role and his discipline right away. But now that I'm older I love my dad. I give all my credit to him for raising me the way he did, if he didn't who knows I might've turned out. I don't even call him SD, he is my dad. Continue to love that child as hard as it is, and one day she will thank you.

brutallyhonest's picture

The photos might be harmless, the teens might think they are harmless, but you have only to go to cnn.com today to find this story http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/04/07/sexting.busts/index.html of a kid that is now in major trouble because of the pictures on his phone.

Better to scare the crap out of your SD now at 13 so this doesn't turn into something that ruins her life forever (not to mention the impact it would have on yours).

Not a fun job to deliver this news, but if left to themselves teens WILL find some way to get into to trouble.

Endora's picture

That some teens are like 3 year olds-making decisions for themselves that are clearly dangerous-it is a wonder more of them are not dispatched!!!!

This will not be fun to tell DW but she needs to deal with this pronto!!!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

WowjustWow's picture

You have to tell your Wife ASAP - bomb or not! That is serious!! Kids are going to detention centers, girls and boys, for "sexting". Not to mention they are having to register as sex offenders for many many years. This will only get worse as time goes by. And if you all pay for that phone, anything and everything on it will be YOUR responsibility. That means, jail time and sex offender list for you too!

If it were me, she would have a phone with no camera or picture messaging on it. Or better yet, no phone at all.

DH and I have been very upfront with SD14 and sending pictures. I also check her computer every once in a while to see what websites she goes to. She has a Facebook, but has her friends parents as "buddies" so I don't worry about that as much.

Everyones Interest's picture

You can hide certain pictures and content from certain people in your friends list.

Gestalt's picture

and it sounds like your heart is in the right place, hopefully mom can see that and work with you rather than against you. Don't be made to feel guilty about this- you did the right thing!

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Hanny's picture

Could this be a subject to broach at your counseling session so you have the counselor on your side and he/she can tell your DW how dangerous this is and what it could lead to. Maybe you might even want to talk to counselor prior to your session so he/she can prepared with some books, etc that can be given to your DW. She cannot possibly blame you for looking at her phone. Her expression and reaction to the situation would have definitely thrown up red flags to me, just as it did you. I cannot believe that her mom didn't find that suspicious and check the phone herself. I believe it is our responsibility as parent or step parent to check out anything and everything our children are up to, friends, computers, phones, everything. Because it is our responsibility to protect and guide them until they are adults. I never liked my mom snooping into my stuff, but I learned a lot from my mom, and followed through with my daughter. I was looking through her purse one day, and I thought to myself...oh wow, I've become my mother!

MSloan86's picture

I dont think that a fight between DW and myself will be because I looked at the phone. She might try to start defending SD immediately, she always does, even when she knows she is wrong, she has admitted as much.
The fight will be how it is handled. A 'talking to' isnt going to cut it. The phones are on a family plan that is in my name because we get 20% off through work. I plan to kill the phone myself if I have to. I need my wife to wake up, take off the blinders and stop trying to be her friend and start being her mom.
SD has a Facebook and MySpace too. DW let her have one providing that she was listed as a friend, so little has taken place there where she knows there is some supervision. The phone should be as well, but it isnt. Written rules are ignored. DW may even say she didnt realize SD was keeping the phone in her room all night. Huge denial issues at work. In session she has even said she can conviently block things out... be it an issue with me or SD, whatever. I have my own pesonal session tomorrow so I may wait to discuss there before I go to DW with it.
We dont have a joint session until next week and I wont last that long...

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

for the sake of the kid, for crying out loud!.

Put simply I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE PARENTS. Including H. You know, if that child who made "sexting" a national issue, hadn't been caught at school, how many parents would never even bother to look at their kids cell & see what's on it? And how many just wear blinders and think their little darlins' would never do such a thing?

MSloan, if your wife fights you on this one, your sd isn't the only one who has alot of growing up to do. But in this case, not only is what she's doing wrong, it's against the law. So your DW will have absolutely no grounds to stand on.

Good Luck!