Need some advice
You guys all know the drama with my stbxh the cheating, lying mofo. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over a month, as far as I know he's living happily with the whore. I still have some hurt to get through but I'm getting there little by little. Anyhow, the point of my post....BM called me last night. She wants me to sit down with her and SS13 (hel'll be 14 later this year) because apparently SS is having a bit of a hard time with everything that's been going on. I haven't seen SS since about a week before I left home. From what I gather stbxh told SS that I just up and left, umm no jackass I left because you gave me no choice. Stbxh did the same thing to BM he's doing to me. Cheated, lied and told her he didn't want to save their marriage. Well she wants me to help her to help SS understand exactly what has happened. Neither of us want him to hate his dad and not have a relationship with him but both myself and BM feel like SS should know the truth. BM also said that SS is starting to have some issues with acting out after he comes home from stbxh's (I'm sure alot of it is typical teen stuff) because now at dad's it's all fun and games, he can do what he wants. They go to the movies and out to eat and this, that and the other all the time. BTW the whore pays for all this because just out of pure curiosity I checked stbxh's bank account (I know, I know I shouldn't have but if he's dumb enough not to change is log in info...) and I didn't see any charges on his debit card (he doesn't have a credit card) for any of the stuff BM said they do. Apparently BM is also not happy that stbxh and the whore make out in front of SS. Yes we would give each other a quick peck on lips or hug or what have you but never making out like that. Did I mention the whore is 28 and my stbxh is 40? One day soon the whore is gonna wake up and go wtf did I do? I'm waiting on karma to smack both of them.
Anyhow, sorry kind of got off track, any advice on what I should say to SS? How do I put things so he knows the truth without making stbxh sound like the ass he is? I was thinking I would just let him ask me any questions he may have and answer them the best I can.
Thank you guys in advance for any help you can give me.
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Comments
He does need to know that you
He does need to know that you did not just up and leave but I'm not sure he needs to know exactly why. If he's smart, he will figure that out one day on his own.
My husband was going to have a sit down, question and answer type deal with his daughter when she turned 18 and then we decided against it. It was not going to do anyone any good. She had already started to see what her mother was really like and we decided to just leave well enough alone.
One reason was because at one point SD was mad at her mother and mentioned the sit down. My husband and I decided she really just wanted to have something to throw in her mother's face when she was mad at her. We also knew, her mother would just lie about it like she already has. Then when SD wasn't mad at BM anymore, she would probably be mad at my husband for telling her the truth! It was just going to be a never ending cycle.
My husband did, one time, correct SD about who cheated on who but it couldn't be avoided at the time. Other than that time, our policy was to never bad mouth BM and let SD figure out the truth on her own. It was not always easy but we did not want to be blamed for any rift between the two.
I would let him know it was not a split second decision and you didn't just abandon them or however you want to put it but I wouldn't tell him the details.
I agree with those who say
I agree with those who say it's best left alone. If you have a decent relationship with SS, I think it'd be fine to call & tell him you're sorry things turned out the way they have but that his dad has chosen to be with someone else, wish him well, & be done with it.
I think partnering up with BM to do this is a bad idea. She seems all too eager to have you on her side to share daddy's dirty laundry with their child. I agree with Snickers, that this would lead you into a position of alienating a child from his father.
If you feel you need to clear your name for the sake of closure, talk to SS without BM. Leave out the dirt, the hurt, & the anger & answer his questions, only with facts. Be careful with what you share. His dad's private life is none of his business. Discuss your position in this & leave it at that.
I agree with Stormabruin.
I agree with Stormabruin. Mostly. I think you should call the child and talk to him to have some closure but don't partner with BM in any way. I wouldn't discuss too many facts with the boy either, that is really his father's place to explain. Unfortunately this is a pattern of behavior for Dad, you might say some things along the lines of your values being committment and honesty but it's probably better to avoid too much of that even. You can't parent this kid. You can just try to make your extraction from his life as painless for you and him as you can.
You guys are right. I don't
You guys are right. I don't want to get into the he said/she said bs with SS. I want him to know the facts and nothing more. I'm not going to bash his dad with the BM. I will answer any questions he has and be done. He will see one day what his dad is really like and understand that both myself and BM had no choice but to leave.