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My husband 13 year old son!!

mrsjson54's picture

I am about to lose my husband because of his 13 year old son. He moved in with us a year ago without my consent; my husband didn't talk to me about this before it happened, he conveniently threw it in during a conversation 5 minutes before his son knocked on the door with his clothes. I have tried for a year to get over this but I can't. I have a 12 year old growing daughter who is no relation to this kid and I am not comfortable with him living in the house. He bullies her and doesn't like her. I don't know what to do, I feel like the best thing for me to do is seperate from my husband. Advice anyone?

Comments

Maria10's picture

He threw it in the conversation 10 minutes before the kid showed up! What? No that is so wrong!

I read your profile and saw the length of your relationship. You have known eachother for so long and have been married quite awhile for him to just do that out of the blue.(I would be dumbfounded and irate if my DH did that UNLESS it was just as surprising to him bc BMs tend to be unpleasantly surprising).Are there other issues ?

I'm sorry to be so blunt but family and conflict counseling might be beneficial. 

Also are you allowed to discipline the critter(thats my nickname for my SS12 when he misbehaves lol-- minimizes my stress a bit)? The rules you apply for your daughter should apply to SS also. If not allowed to discipline him I suggest you start there.

 

 

mrsjson54's picture

For starters, I love the description, "Critter". Secondly, frankly I am so hurt, upset, angry, furiated, and sad because this is the person I expected to spend the rest of my life with and he jumps up and does this and he is naive to the fact that the critter doesn't like me or my daughter because he thinks we are taking his father from him but we have always tried to include him in everything that we done but he's like a buzz kill. As far as the other issues, I believe that his mother put him up to this (moving in with us), he's never wanted to stay with us all these years. My DH feels like a deadbeat dad but over the years I have told him he is an awesome dad; he always spent time with the critter, always went to hang out with him, talk to him all the time on the phone, he would get him on summer breaks, weekends, and some holidays now he doesn't do half that since he is here. I'm a tad bit confused. Thirdly, I don't discipline him because I don't want it to be anything with the mother and I'm not sure how the dad would react if I disciplined him in a way that he wouldn't approve I just always told him when something was wrong. Nevertheless, he would say "you just picking on him because he's just a kid and he's not doing anything that bad." 

Cooooookies's picture

You don't have a SS problem...you have a DH problem.  Your DH didn't ask about him living with you and doesn't parent his kid at all.  Your daughter shouldn't have to suffer as the result.  I would suggest separate households for both your sanity and see if your DH would be willing to do couples counselling as well as parent classes.  Yikes!

mrsjson54's picture

I have thought about this as well as talked to him about it. He says that if we are living in separate homes we might as well not be together because he loves me and wants to be in the same house as I am. I tried explaining how this could save our marriage but he hasn't said anything else about it and neither have I.

hereiam's picture

Well, for starters, your husband has absolutely no respect for you, so...

I would do what you feel is best for you and your daughter.

mrsjson54's picture

As much as I hate to accept this you are absolutely correct. I thought about this but I didn't want to accept or believe it because I always felt like he respected me in all aspects. Unfortunately, taking a clear look at the picture he couldn't have because this is a huge and important decision that BOTH of us should have made. I feel like he didn't only disrespect me but my daughter as well. Thank you for helping me to see this clearly.

Curious Georgetta's picture

That he was moving in his minor child. Every parent has a right and usually a desire to have their child/children living with them.

You have reservations about his son living with your daughter . As a parent  you have a right and an obligation to be concerned about the best interest  of your child.

As a dad, he has the same right to have his child in his household.

You have no obligation to be a maid to his son. You can insist that the dad parent his son.

Your is a sticky problem as it is grossly unfair to bring your child into a home where you then object to the partner doing the same thing.

He was rude in his failure to tell you if his decision to bring the chili into the home. However, he  was not wrong in his acceptance of the child.  If he is contributing to household expenses and obligations, he has a right to have his child in his home.

 

You should make it clear that you are not there to be used as a chauffeur and maid.  If you are wedded to the notion of parity, you should not allow him to do or provide anything for your daughter that you are unwilling to do or provide for his son.

Counseling on areas and methods of communication might be helpful for you and your husband. You do not say why a shift in the kid's living arrangement became necessary, but perhaps that has to do with the kid's attitude. Maybe, he needs counseling as well.

mrsjson54's picture

Thanks so much for your advice however my issue isn't with doing for his child but the lack of respect for me and my daughters feelings about the situation. I'm just not sure it is a wise decision to bring his 13 year old son into the home with a 12 year old girl who is not related to him. I don't know anything about him; what he will and won't do and for that matter neither does my DH. At the stage these children are in, they are curious and I don't want to have to worry about the risk of anything serious happening with a kid that is living in the home with us. Although, I do agree that counseling could possible help us. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Right for you to have your daughter in the home but that it is somehow inappropriate for him to have his son in his home.

The fact that he has been in your daughter 's life since you have was 3 , does not give her standing to object to the man's bio son living with his dad.

It sounds as though counseling might be in order and helpful for all of you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Right for you to have your daughter in the home but that it is somehow inappropriate for him to have his son in his home.

The fact that he has been in your daughter 's life since you have was 3 , does not give her standing to object to the man's bio son living with his dad.

It sounds as though counseling might be in order and helpful for all of you.

mrsjson54's picture

I apologize that I somehow gave the impression that I felt like the Skid being in the home was inappropriate because that was not my intentions and I definitely don't think that because my H has been in my daughters life since she was 3 gives her presidence over the Skid. First and foremost, that is his child way before we came along. I just really would have appreciated him respecting me enough to talk to me about this decision first. In a relationship; marriage or otherwise both parties have options and choices but I wasn't given that. Also, my daughter hasn't said anything about the Skid living with us, not sure where that came from. Furthermore, I am not saying that the son can't live with his father but it would have been nice to talk about it before it happened because he is not just living with his dad so that should have been a decision we both made. I would have been able to say "sure lets do this" or "I think it's best that you let us get to know each other before moving him in" and I would've respected him getting a place for the both of them until we see how things were going to work out. Just a little respect and consideration is all I ask for. A successful relationship is based on communication, without it what do you have?

mrsjson54's picture

Whenever me or my daughter tell him something his son has said or done he brushes it off and says "He just being a kid" what do I do with that when his excuse for everything is that? Should she have to accept his bullying because he is jealous of the relationship his dad and my daughter have? He has been in her life since she was 3, he's all she knows as far as a father. I don't know what to do with that. This is why I'm reaching out for advice. 

Winterglow's picture

It doesn't matter if he's just being a kid or not. Bullying should be punished and IS at school. Why should it be tolerated at home?

IMO, your DH doesn't seem to understand that his little boy is growing up and needs 

  • a role model
  • guidance on how to treat others (as he would have them treat him)

Until he understands that, there isn't much you can do. 

What was his reasoning/motivation for moving him in? Was it to appease BM? To be a better parent? To try and help him grow up to be a decent human being?

mrsjson54's picture

I think he moved him in because due to self inflicted parental issues meaning, he felt like he wasn't being a good dad because the kid wasn't living with him also because BM told him he was a deadbeat whenever he wouldn't do what she wanted him to do. As a woman, wife, and mother I tried assuring him that he was a wonderful dad because he was but I think BM knew that would get under his skin and obviously it worked. I assumed he moved him in for all the above reasons however, I haven't witnessed any of it not even what he said it was for which was to teach him respect and responsibility. I guess if I saw dad actually holding up to his reason maybe I could get this a little better but instead he allows the kid to do whatever he feels like doing without consequences and with an added excuse. I feel like because there are no repercussions for the kids actions my daughter feels like I am letting her down. I don't want to lose my DH but I can't continue accepting this, what do I do?

Areyou's picture

If you and your daughter feel unsafe in the house it's time to move. You have to take care of your daughter just like he has to take of his son and if those two things mean you have to live apart then oh well, so be it. 

fourbrats's picture

that you state more than once that you are worried about some sort of inappropriate actions going on (I would assume of the sexual nature) and seem to put that all of the boy in this. Your husband has an obligation to his child, you have an obligation to your child. Your husband has zero obligation to your child, you have zero obligation to his child. If that is a concern of yours then you should be speaking to your daughter and protecting her and it sounds like your husband should be protecting his child from potential accusations and also speaking to his son about protecting himself. 

I will add that you don't have an issue with your daughter living with an unrelated male (your husband) but only with a stepsibling. That is something to think about. 

mrsjson54's picture

In the beginning, because no one truly no's the next person, I was very sceptical about her being around another man that wasn't her biological father. It took a long time for me to observe his behavior around her before I really let him in so I completely understand where you're coming from. And over the years I have learned to trust him however, on the other hand I don't know the Skid like that and did not have the opportunity of learning him, the situation was just thrown off on me and I had to accept it. I guess it bothers me the most because he is into watching inappropriate things, I can understand that as well for a kid of his age however I would have love to have had the opportunity to talk about it with the DH and decide if it was something I was willing to accept or not. Also, I have been talking to my daughter about things like that when I felt like she was old enough to understand the conversation. And most of all, I think in a marriage when kids are involve both parties are obligated to the Skids especially when they live together, it is suppose to be a family thing. Nonetheless the issue is, being H & W there are certain obligations we have as a whole and that is communication, especially with something as serious and as vital as moving a kid into the home. Also, I'm not saying that something IS going to happen but I am concerned. They are both at that curious age; no blame to either party it's just a part of life however, I don't want it to occur with the Skid who lives in the home. 

Thank you for your response because it allowed me to realize that I should have been more specific and clearer with my feelings. 

mrsjson54's picture

Because I know the Skid doesn't like us and in my opinion is trying everything he can to keep me and his dad into it, I decided to give up. The Skid is with his mom for summer break but will be coming back soon, I have told my H that I think he needs to be alone with the kid (move out) because maybe being here with all of the BS that's going on is preventing him from doing what he said he got him for; to teach him respect and responsibility. Am I dying inside, HY but this may be what has to happen for things to move forward and I don't want my daughter and I to be the cause of him lacking on his responsibilities as a father. He hasn't said two words to me since Wednesday and it's hurtful. Am I being selfish?

Winterglow's picture

No, you're not being selfish. You want to protect your daughter from the bullying and that is perfectly natural. Your husband needs to understand that bullying is not acceptable no matter what the child's age. Have you considered counselling with him? 

mrsjson54's picture

No, I hadn't thought about it at least not before I found this site but I think it's mostly because I don't think he will do it; he doesn't like other people in our business because he is afraid of being judged. I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Telling the father that his minor child should move out of his father 's house . That solution might be best for you and your daughter, but you are not the only members  of the  household.  You should be discussing with your husband a plan that will allow all of you to coexist peacefully.

If his expectations of his son differ from yours, you can chalk it up to different parenting styles.  What should be the absolute and fixed rule is that every one in the home will be treated in a polite and civil manner.

If the son is  not expected to do as much in household  chores as your daughter, your daughter is old enough to understand that you and your husband have different parenting styles and expectations. Your husband makes the rules for his son and you make the rules for your daughter. Neither standard should be presented as right or wrong just a function of different styles and beliefs

If your husband won't seek counseling, perhaps you should go alone.  You seem to be the one having to decide on your next steps.  Sadly, your husband seems fairly rigid and does not feel the need to improve his level or method of communication with you 

Only you can decide what is best for you and your daughter. 

 

mrsjson54's picture

I would never tell my husband that his son has to move out but I did tell him that THEY should move out so that he could better attend to his son without certain expectations from me. I don't want to come in between him being the best father he can be. This whole situation has got me all messed up and confused because I feel like I'm the one trying to figure this out so that we don't lose each other. I have tried talking to my husband about how we're going to handle our situation but honestly I'm not getting much positive feedback in return, even if it's not what I suggested I do expect him to voice his opinion; throw out some options. I really want our marriage to work so I value all of the responses because it gives me a little more insight on things that I could do to help our marriage survive. But if he doesn't go to counseling he's going to go on thinking he's handling this appropriately and his way is the way. And as for me, you guys are my counselor's, I can't afford a paid counselor SJ, doesn't counseling cost?

mrsjson54's picture

I recently found out that the S kid told one of his friends who's parents are me and my husband's friend that he has been bulling my daughter because he wanted me and his dad to separate and that he is happy that it worked. Supposedly, he said that he doesn't like it when his dad includes my daughter in some things that they do and that he doesn't like it when they laughing and talking without him. Our friends doesn't know how to tell my husband what was said because they think he will be mad at them for saying anything at all. I want to tell him but I don't know how or when is a good time, if there is one. I'm not sure if I should talk to the S kid about this or not; I always try not to say much to him not knowing if he is going to switch things up, I just don't put myself in that situation. Please help!!!!