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mrsjson54's picture

For those of you who not aware of my situation my husband moved his 13 yr old son in without talking to me about it. He conveniently slipped in a conversation we were having 5 minutes before the kid knocked on the door. In the beginning to my understanding it was only supposed to be for one school year but that has changed. I have a 12 yr old daughter and I am very concerned about him living in the house with the fact that they were not raised together as "brother n sister". At this point the both of them are at the curious age and I feel like I have to avoid any curious situations from accurring as well as the bullying from the Skid has to stop so I told my DH that him and his son has to leave. Right now the Skid is with his mother for summer. I love my DH and hate that this has to happen, it is getting closer to that time. I feel like I am losing my soulmate and I don't know what to do I just know that my first priority is to protect my daughter from as much as I can until the time comes that I can't anymore (when she is grown) and even then I will still try. I know that this may not be the right way to do things but I don't know what else to do; I am not perfect, I am doing the best I can to be the best mother possible. I just really got happy 9 yrs ago and now it has to end WTF!!!!! I am so mad. HELP!!! 

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

A “soulmate” does not casually mention his son will now be living with you, 5 minutes before he moves in.

You are doing the right thing. 

Sorry for your troubles.

Goodluck's picture

I also agree a soul mate wouldnt do this however I never fell for the soul mate garbage.

The term put very high limits without possibility of situations like yours. Doesnt mean your love is not as deep. But the question is can this new developent weather the storm.

That is what marriages do, they weather storms.

Maybe allow your daughter to live with dad for awhile. She deserves to be with your ex too.

 

mrsjson54's picture

She can't he's in prison.

 

Maxwell09's picture

You’re kind of being obtuse. Yes, he shouldn’t have just randomly moved his kid in, but that’s a separate issue and frankly when you married him you should have been honest with yourself of the probability of skid switching households because it happens to everyone. To be frank, you’re acting like he is moving a pedo into the room next to your daughter. It’s a little dramatic. Sure, they’re both teenagers and girls tend to be more flirtatious than boys. But as her mother you don’t go around removing every penis that she might encounter, you TEACH her how to carry herself, how to say no, when to say no and why she should say no to certain guys/other. You assume he will even be attracted to her, that she is his type or he doesn’t have a girlfriend already. If anything having a “brother” around will help her learn not to walk around naked or leave the bathroom door open when he has friends over. My point is you’re jumping to huge conclusions here that your precious babe is in some kind of danger when he is literally just a teenage boy. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Uhhh...no.  OP said the SS was bullying her daughter.  That alone is enough to make me give SS the side eye. No, OP can't remove any and every penis from her daughter's path.  She can, however, ensure her daughter is in a safe environment in her own home.  OP can teach her daughter all sorts of things, including how to carry herself and saying no.  That doesn't mean she can't be physically overtaken by someone bigger and stronger.

The daughter doesn't need to have a "brother" to know she shouldn't be walking around naked, or that she needs to close a bathroom door.  Quite frankly, that part of your post is very insulting to this girl and to OP.  So is you pointing out OP's daughter may not be his "type".  Hormonal teenage boys don't necessarily need a "type", but they will certainly take an opportunity.  

Tomatoe's picture

They will take an opportunity? Lol maybe with the kids you raised. If you raise them right they wont.

qtpie013178's picture

SS is bullying her DD already, so he’s abusive with sketchy boundaries. Boys also become stronger at that age. When there are no biological ties, families do have to operate differently, especially regarding modesty and sleeping arrangements. I can under Her concern. I would deal with the bullying first, and require family and individual counseling for both children.

mrsjson54's picture

You call it "Obtuse" and I say I may be being a little over protective; for good reason. This is my first and only girl and as her mother I feel like I have to protect her as much as I can while I can including teaching her about sex and saying no. However on the other hand, I'm not assuming that something WILL happen but I do have an obligation to try to avoid it at all cost especially from POSSIBLY happening in the home. Also, I'm not saying that he is a "Pedo" but they are both entering the curious age. And, of course I know I can't  remove "Every penis she might encounter," which is not the issue, the fact that he is a teenage boy who watches porn and is NOT her brother bothers me so, if I don't protect her as much as I can then who will. And further more, them being teenagers is the very reason why I'm skeptical. This is not just about him, she is getting older and more inquisitive as well so I'm just being cautious. What mother wouldn't.

Tomatoe's picture

It happens. Talk to her and explain her step brother is off limits. Talk to her about masturbation as an alternative to being sexually active. Talk to her about respecting her body and respecting the males in her home, she can be comfortable without her cheeks showing. I also suggest counseling for you, to help you understand that your dh is also a parent and has every right for his kid to live with him. Maybe she can help you get over the anger and resent you feel towards dh for doing what is natural.

mrsjson54's picture

I'm not angry, upset, pissed off, resentful or any of the above about my DH getting his kid, I completely understand and respect him for that. He has a right to helping take care of his child just as the BM, I'm not trying to stop that. All I'm saying is that I'm not comfortable with him being in the house watching porn advancing his mind and my daughter is 12 yrs old so I know she is coming into the more inquiring mind. Once again she is 12 yrs old so I'm not sure if she's "Horny" right now. On another note, I agree that every parent "Has every right for his kid to live with him" that's why I told my DH that he should get a place for the both of them so that he could focus on being the best parent he can be.

bananaseedo's picture

Ok, can you clarify- you said you've been together 9 years-then that means your kids were 3 and 4 when you all met and have known eachother as step-siblings this whole time? If so I wouldn't be that worried honestly.  I had some reservations rearding my SD as well as she would sexually act out/flirt/and had issues-and yes during the ages or 12-15 we kept a particular eye out even though our kids met eachother pretty young 7-8....it's extremelly important to ensure boundaries are there-and with hormones raging you are very wise to not want them living together if they have had no relation basically. 

mrsjson54's picture

For starters, thank you for reading my post clearly. Secondly, yes our children were 3 and 4 when we got together however, the SS was never really around until recently. He would come for some weekends and a few days out of the summer but not much. I don't really know much about him and now he is 13 and my daughter is 12. Thank you for understanding that I am not saying something WILL happen I just want to be cautious. I love my DH and I don't have anything against my SS but I don't know him from a can of paint and neither does my DH the only things I do know is what I have learned since he's been in the home; he watches a lot of porn, he bullies my daughter, and he doesn't like to be told to do anything. As you stated "With hormones raging" should I take a gamble and see what may or may not happen? 

Harry's picture

How long ago has 13 yo moved in ?   Two. You don’t have a relationship if someone pulled something like moving in a kid with out talking to you first.  Three.  You kids live in the home, His kid has every right to live there.  You and SO has to work out some of there issues,  You May need a third party help you, see what’s wrong.

twoviewpoints's picture

Something's nothing clicking here for me. Maybe I just misunderstood your couple of blogs or I missed something.

You're coming cross (as I read it) as if this random totally stranger unknown to you skid just arrived on your doorstep for the first time ever and DH let him move in. And you say he's been living in the home fulltime (except perhaps for some visitation visits to BM's) for the last year. You've mentioned prior, that you've been with DH for nine years, since the boy was 4 and your daughter was. You've stated Dad had the boy for summer breaks, weekends, and some holidays.

How do you not know this boy? If he's been a regular part time member of your home for nine years. Spending weekends, sleeping over , under your feet for nine years.... but suddenly he's a stranger!?!?!?! Suddenly you "needed to be given time to get to know him"? WTF? How many years do you need? 20? Enough years so he's aged out and only your daughter is allowed fulltime live-in status? 

I don't know how owns the house. You or your Dh or both of you on the deed and mortgage. I don't know if this was a pre-established house purchased solely by you pre-marriage and your husband pays no one nickle towards household expenses. Maybe so? But I'm sitting here wondering as to how you figures your husband's child is less than and not worthy of being in the home with his father. All the while your little snowflake lives there 24/7 365 (as your bio-daughter's biological father is not and hasn't been in the picture) and your husband treats her as if she were his own. But his real child ( LOL, Blue, shot out to you, I used your favorite word aka 'real' which is something I occasionally scold you for doing) ? His real child is a stranger, a person of suspicion, probable untrustworthy little pervert who might jump your little snowflake's bones? He? He can't live there? He isn't welcome as it upsets you and your daughter. He might be  dangerous harmful monster that takes advantage of your curious flirtatious (experimenting?) daughter. 

What did I get confused? Possibly missed? Or didn't understand? 

as to DH and his son moving out and finding a different place to live? Yeah, very probably a good idea before you and/or Snowflake start tossing accusations about this young teen and trash his life forever. I think (IMO) I figured out exactly why your DH did not pre-tell and discuss with you that his son was about to knock on the front door. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

First, is it really necessary to refer to OP's DD as a "little snowflake" when you obviously mean it in derogatory manner?  Also, what has the OP written that makes you so sure her DD is being flirtatious and panting after the SS?  Obviously we're getting only the OP's side of the story, but that's inherent on a message board.  

OP has said SS bullies her DD, and her DH blows it off as kids being kids.  That's not acceptable.  OP hasn't said the SS needs to be banished in favor of her own child.  I think she's been fairly clear she wants her DH to be a better parent to his kid, and to her that means DH and his son need to live elsewhere.  Yes, she wants to protect her DD.  Most parents DO want to protect their children.  Something about the SS makes OP's spidey senses go on high alert.  Are we going to tell a mother to ignore her insticts when it comes to her child???

twoviewpoints's picture

" my issue isn't with doing for his child but the lack of respect for me and my daughters feelings about the situation. I'm just not sure it is a wise decision to bring his 13 year old son into the home with a 12 year old girl who is not related to him. I don't know anything about him; what he will and won't do and for that matter neither does my DH. At the stage these children are in, they are curious and I don't want to have to worry about the risk of anything serious happening with a kid that is living in the home with us."

------

" I am not saying that the son can't live with his father but it would have been nice to talk about it before it happened because he is not just living with his dad so that should have been a decision we both made. I would have been able to say "sure lets do this" or "I think it's best that you let us get to know each other before moving him in" and I would've respected him getting a place for the both of them until we see how things were going to work out."

____

*shrugs*

Pretty much says "Little Snowflake" to me. 

 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Sounds like you are unnecessarily picking on a child.  If the SS upped the ante and actually DID do something physical to OP's daughter you would likely be castigating OP for not doing enough to protect her kid.  *Shrugs*

Tomatoe's picture

it sounds like ops dd is a snowflake who must be protected from the what ifs at the cost of her stepchild.  Thats a snowflake.

GrabitAndGo's picture

What cost to the stepchild?  If anything, he would get what he wants - his dad all to himself.  I don't see where the SS would suffer at all.

notasm3's picture

That was a total a$$hole move on your DH’s part. He didn’t have the balls to discuss it with you - just sprung it on you. Not the move of someone who cares about you. 

Goodluck's picture

Dislike OP's  who "hit and run" their serious natured blogs. Makes me question the validity of the circumstance.

Ma'am...let your daughter live with bio dad. She needs her father more than you think she does at this age.

 

theoldredhen's picture

Never has a situation cried out more urgently for therapy! Discussion with a third party, skilled in blended families, is the best remedy for resolving OP's problems.

mrsjson54's picture

Apparently some think that I am saying something WILL happen and I'm NOT I'm just being cautious. And if my DD has to be consider a "Snowflake" because I'm trying to be the best mother I can be and protect her from others as well as herself then I guess she is a "Snowflake" my "Snowflake". On top of that I don't have to deal with bulling in the home, it's enough of that going on out in the world. Nevertheless, I'm not putting anything off on my SS but on the fact that they are both teens. I say that I don't know much about him because all of his visits were very short, a couple of days for summer, a day or two for breaks, a night for the weekend, etc. never very long and not consistent. Anyway yes, I may be an over protective mother but any parent who has the power and the ability to protect their child should do it for as long as they can with the proper teaching as well as monitoring who lives in their home. This is NOT saying my SS is a "Monster" or a "Pedo" it just means I am being cautious.

Areyou's picture

My SD is a bully. Even her grandmother has apologized to me for her bullying behavior. After 7 months of living in DHs house, I moved myself and my DD out of that house because I wanted DD to have a peaceful childhood. She’s 12 too. So I understand.

twoviewpoints's picture

Thank-you for answering some of my questions. It does give a better picture as to why you state the kid really is all but an actual random stranger. 

It's too bad your DH didn't have more time and hands on involvement with his son as he was growing up. Was there a lot of long distance between the mother's location and your location to where physical visitations weren't practical? 

It also explains as to why your SS may resent you and your daughter thus the his dislike for you and your daughter. She has had his father all these years while he (SS) got the crumbs. So, your husband is falling down on his parenting of his son even now that he is being given an actual opportunity to be an active parent to the child (aka, ignoring bully attitude/actions when no such behavior should be tolerated). 

There may be some abandonment feelings in your SS that counseling might help the young teen sort out. Father and son together may try some joint counseling to explore their relationship. And then marriage counseling between husband and yourself. Your husband is likely parenting out of guilt instead of being the proper role model for his son that he should be. 

Does your husband understand you aren't asking for a divorce, but that you'd like to try two separate homes for a while for the betterment for everyone giving him a chance to finally build a father/son with his son without you and your daughter being subjected to the current hostile environment his son exhibits towards the two females in the home. 

You all can take all this back to like the dating stage where you do dinners and outings as occasional events, but are slowly blending the two families. And you and husband can have some great adult couple time together minis either child. The son would be able to have his male friends over and do overnights with them at Dad's house, and your daughter would be able to have her female friends over to Mom's home et et et. 

mrsjson54's picture

Thanks for the advice, it really helped more than you know. I truly do believe that my SS is dealing with abandonment issues which is why I tried letting him know in the beginning that my daughter and I are not taking his dad from him but we are just trying to be a part of their family. But I do have to give my husband credit he did go and visit my SS at least two to three times a week; he would go and spend time with him, take him to the movies, out to eat, shopping, to the park to talk, etc. I really do think that my husband and SS would benefit from counseling but I don't think my DH will do it. This is why I felt like a seperation was a good idea so that my husband could bond more with his son as well as it would stop the bullying with my daughter and put my mind at ease, just a little. 

Also, I have told my husband that I am not asking for a divorce I just think this is the best thing for all of us but he says that if he can't live with me then he doesn't think it will work because he doesn't want to be away from me but he doesn't understand that this is not about him and I. And as you stated, it would be good for us to take our time and slowly blend our families together. However, at this point he is being very selfish and as much as I don't want to be apart from him I think it is the best thing to do.   

Iamwoman's picture

Do what’s best for your daughter. The teen years are precipitous, and teen girls need a safe haven home to rest in as there is enough bullying going on at schools.

Your DH was out of line.

My DH would NEVER move skids in full time without a discussion with me first,

Your DH doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect your boundaries, and he is NOT your soulmate. A soulmate can practically read your mind, and understands you in a way that no one else can. I don’t see any mindreading or understanding from your DH to you.

mrsjson54's picture

As much as I hate to admit it, you are right. I guess I just felt like because I love him so much and I can feel everything with him, know almost everything he is thinking, how to respect him and understand him and his feelings that went both ways but it doesn't.