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I am SOOOOOO SICK of the amount of work involved

Mrs. Why's picture

with being a step parent. It's bull shit, and I'm tired!

Why in the world, do I have to care for, pay for, and deal with children I didn't bring into this world, have all the responsibility for, and none of the privledges involved????

Over it.

Comments

Justme54's picture

and how old are they? If they are spoiled, just wait...when the they become of age...they will still be holding their hand out. Why? Mommy and daddy divorced and daddy owes me. I want to throw UP.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Sorry Sad It is true. Unless your DH mans up, his offspring will consistently have their hand out. I call it "Buy my children's affection and attention syndrome." Sad

Mrs. Why's picture

He is a great dad to them, he just expects us to "be a family" and at this point, idk if that's possible for me.

Mrs. Why's picture

I try, but it seems no matter how much I back off, I'm here, in this, and can never get out of it!!! Like, Christmas comes, and my hubby can't buy everything he wants to for the kids, I feel like an ass if I don't help.... He looks at me like, "what's wrong with u? You don't want to be my partner and help with skids?"

Cocoa's picture

i'd tell him yes, i'd like to be his partner, but not your live in babysitter/maid/sugar momma. there needs to be a power shift here. you're being taken for a ride.

hereiam's picture

Ha! My husband asked if I was going to pay for half of the Christmas gifts for SD and her kids.

I just looked at him and said, "Ok, let me just add up your half for all of my family's gifts that I put your name on. Oh, looks like YOU owe ME."

He said, "Never mind." Yeah, that's what I thought.

Mrs. Why's picture

Doesn't all of this just cause constant conflict and harsh feelings between marriage partners? I think DH feels because we are married it should b just like a nuclear family...

hereiam's picture

It doesn't in mine. DH knows that SD is not my responsibility. Sure, we are married and we are partners but it is not my job to make sure SD is spoiled (and trust me, she isn't). If her parents can't afford it, too bad.

If all my husband could afford, was a $20.00 birthday gift, that is what she got. If I chose to get her a little something also, that was my choice or if I wanted to go in on something with him for her, my choice. He has never tried to make me feel bad about it.

Nothing in my vows stated anything about supporting SD.

Mrs. Why's picture

Hahaha, flowers would be nice!!!!

I just feel like all these expectations are there, and when I talk to him about it, it turns into this BIG thing about how I don't love the kids. He does not comprehend that I don't have to, and takes it sooooooooo personal if I don't want to act like they belong to me. He resents me, I think, for not feeling the way he thinks I should.

oldone's picture

No you do not have to care for and pay for children that are not yours. But you do have to deal with the fact that they exist.

There's some grey area. You do not have to parent and support them. But you do have to acknowledge their existence.

Mrs. Why's picture

How? Without just being considered a raging bitch? It's crazy, I've said it before, we are expected to carry all the weight of skids without any say so!!!

oldone's picture

Well the best thing I did was marry a man who does not consider me a raging bitch if I don't fork over my time and money to his kids.

Disneyfan's picture

How??? Open your mouth, say no and stick to it. You hav the power to change what is going on in your home. You just have to use it.

Mrs. Why's picture

Ok, I will give you an example, and help me with what I could say, that doesn't come across shitty, cause I don't have a calm middle ground. I'm either passive or aggressive lol.

DH asks for an update on our savings, which is mostly my savings, I give him the figure. Over the next 2 weeks he comes up with 18 ways to spend money on himself and/or his kids.... Oh, we could take SD to do this special thing, or SS would really love a -----, and because he knows there is extra money not being used, it's almost like, "fork it over" I'm not willing to replace it or purchase said gifts/things after having worked and saved, we should get them now.

Inside, I'm fuming.... WHY do u need to spend our SAVINGS? But then, it's OUR savings???? How could I respond, without snapping? Just simply making a valid point. Without sounding like I'm being his mommy or against skids having things?

Mrs. Why's picture

I LOVE the idea of "locking" my money up, and keeping the savings to myself. I will feel better, and he won't be any the wiser LOL

hereiam's picture

Well, this is where we differ. My husband and I do not have one joint account. Not one. We each have our own checking account and our own savings account. It has been that way since we first lived together and we have just kept it that way (16+ years) because it works for us. It actually causes us less stress.

I have a lot more money in savings than he does. I make more and I am better with money than he is. I also know that it will mostly be my money we live off of in retirement, so no, I do not feel bad about it.

Mrs. Why's picture

GOOD for you!!! Thank u ladies, this is the best idea I've heard in a long time haha, simple to do also! Then I won't have to be resentful about our money going to him and skids all the time. And if I want to buy MY kid a damn poney with MY money, I will!!!

Disneyfan's picture

Put an end to OUR savings. Instead you each have your own savings. Just use a joint account to cover your joint bills.

As a mother, I would flip out if DF tried to contol how I spend my money on my kid. As a SM, I would be livid if DF spent my money on his kids and I happen to have good SKs.

Mrs. Why's picture

I have good skids for the most part to, but the money for them is getting to be bull shit, an it's just everyday life.... Thank u again!

kathc's picture

UM...it's YOUR savings??? Then don't tell him how much is in there. WTF. Sweetie, I want to shake you. You're LETTING him do this. When DH wants to buy something for a skid and I don't want to fork over any of MY money I just say, "hm, that would be nice but we don't have enough for that" He doesn't need to know I spent three times as much on my sister's kid!!!

Mrs. Why's picture

It's crazy, we are going through some financial shit right now, and I just keep getting more resentful!!!! I have my own house and child to provide for.... It's pathethic, hey BM, you made these kids, you broke up ur family, you deal with it!!! I don't want to.

I can't imagine if we spent a fortune in CS, I think I would make DH get a second job to pay for it... But then again, MY family would suffer because MY husband would be gone, and I would be taking care of skids. Just seems there is no way around it, to some extent at least!

Mrs. Why's picture

Wow, that sucks!!! I do believe my DH is genuine in his wish for all of us to be close!

I don't know ur DH, but I've read lots of ur posts!!! Seems u have been dealing with this for so long. Are u exhausted?

Mrs. Why's picture

Ps, we keep ALL of our finances separate, just for this! Bank accounts, tax returns, everything!

Cocoa's picture

you don't HAVE to pay for skids, you choose to. why won't you separate your income and pay your share of the bills only? if dh is left with too little income to pay his share, he needs to get a second job. quite being a sugar momma.

Mrs. Why's picture

Guilt, I think. I have guestimated, just between Christmas and birthdays we have spent $2300 Shok I could have a KNOCK OUT NURSERY for that amount lol

hereiam's picture

Somehow, you have to get past the guilt, there's no reason for it. Those are his kids and his responsibility (and BM's). You take care of yours and let him take care of his.

I guess I am a bitch because I feel no guilt whatsoever by not handing over money or expensive gifts for SD. I have bought her stuff over the years but nothing that I would resent or regret later, and certainly not because my husband made me feel guilty.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS THIS THIS

If he can't take care of his kids without using your money, then he needs a second job.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS THIS THIS

If he can't take care of his kids without using your money, then he needs a second job.

Mrs. Why's picture

Maybe the next time the CS bill comes, or he figured out 15 ways to blow more money on his kids, I will suggest a second job.... Then again, I will have to make the boundary that he has to do it on days skids aren't here, so I'm not picking up the slack with caring for them. I don't do much for or with them now, unless its part d taking care of my home.... But he gets extremely resentful of the fact I don't care for or share the responsibility of his children as if they were mine.

Mrs. Why's picture

It's the WHOLE thing, not just BM, but she does make it difficult. She thinks cause she pushed these kids outta her vagina she gets to control my DH with them for the rest of his life... Which in turn she thinks she controls my life.... Here's the thing though, I don't do well with control, never have.... I have been so calm and quiet for all these years, never said a word. However, where I stand today, and what I want for my life.... I'm half tempted to drop them off to their mom, and tell her to keep em!!!! I don't care what the repercussions are. It's not so much the kids (although they can be a handful) it's the WHOLE thing, the situation, it's old and I'm bored. I know DH is too!!!

Cocoa's picture

no, you're sick of parenting your skids. stop it. being a sm CAN be enjoyable when you're not doing their parents' work for them.

Mrs. Why's picture

HOW? That's the big question. HOW, when they are slobs, or here draining my husbands energy and our pockets... How when the BM always has some damn drama going on? I feel like, I want to walk out the door and just do something nice for myself, but then I'm the bad guy!

Cocoa's picture

it's called boundaries and who cares if you're a bitch? a bitch is a woman who stands up for herself so that people do not run over her. you've kept quiet for too long and you are now resentful and it's gotta be stressful on your marriage (if it doesn't destroy it). re-write the rules. tear it all down and rebuild. this isn't working for you, you are allowed to admit you've made a mistake and go back and do it right! nobody says you have to waller in your misery the rest of your life. first start with the court order. is it being followed?

Mrs. Why's picture

Well, that's a big issue in itself! It's basically jus been BM calling all the shots, and if something needs to change DH has to pussyfoot all over the place.... And financially, we keep our money separate, but I feel I am expected to sacrifice my money for his kids, and what he wants to do for them. If I don't, I feel like, he thinks I don't love them or we aren't really partners!!!

hereiam's picture

I think you need to have a chat with your DH. There are a lot of "I feel I'm expected" and "I feel like he thinks". You two need to sit down and get some things out into the open.

oldone's picture

"I am expected to sacrifice my money for his kids, and what he wants to do for them. If I don't, I feel like, he thinks I don't love them or we aren't really partners" You have a husband problem for the most part. He's being extremely selfish and demanding.

A man who truly loves and respects you will not walk all over you and demand, demand, demand.

Mrs. Why's picture

You're right..... When it's he and I, things are pretty great, but when skids are with us, I almost feel like he is one of them, and I'm expected to care for all 3!!!!

DaizyDuke's picture

You have a husband problem for the most part. He's being extremely selfish and demanding.

Yes, I don't understand why so many men seem to think that just because they married a woman, are shacking up with a woman or whatever, that said woman is in any way required to provide financial support to HIS kids?? (I mean beyond what can't be avoided such as contributing to life bills such as mortgage, groceries, etc.) I can promise with 100% certainty that if I were in a relationship with someone I would NOT expect that person pay 1 freaking cent for MY kid. I think it's totally different in the cases where the person CHOOSES to, but to expect it or demand it of your partner is flat out wrong IMHO.

Disneyfan's picture

Many men think like this because they know that there are plenty of women out there who will do anything to keep a man.

clydella's picture

Being a SM has been one of the most worst things in my life for me, and I've been in step situation for most of my life. I've been a Stepdaughter, had it's ups & downs, a Stepsister, a pleasant experience, but a Stepmom has been one of the worst things for me. I never expected the emotions that I have dealt with, from rage to depression, to nothing. I have cut SD out of my life for the most part, as much as I can. She is DH's kid, not mine, I'm not responsible for her, now or never. When I learned to dis-engage I let go of so much, I still have my moments, but I take a deep breath and repeat to myself "not my kid, not my problem".

Mrs. Why's picture

Does your DH hate u or resent this ? Has it hurt ur relationship? Or have you been able to be happier?

surfchica's picture

Finances are the second thing we fight about. I make more money for now and have used more of "my money" to fund our lifestyle since we met. He is close on my heals though as a promotion is soon to come and I expect a more equal scenario. I wouldn't say that my spouse is a spendthrift but certainly not a saver like I am and really lives for the day since he beat cancer. We are second time around-ers and closer to retirement but still have young kids. He feels controlled by money but I just want to keep him on track. I really don't lord over him, honestly I don't. Ultimately I think that separate accounts are in order ( with one joint for joint things) because he feels like I control him. It might be better so I don't have to see how much money he spends on the SD. She is not that over-indulged. Neither is mine. Any suggestions for how I can approach this? He is so ultra sensitive.
By the way we are NOT on the same page with parenting his SD. I have disengaged. Well trying to anyway. He wants all the perks but won't consider my feelings/opinions when it comes to discipline. His SD has a lot of issues caused by him babying her.

Mrs. Why's picture

You sound the same as me, read some of the posts here... Great advice!!!!!

Thank you so much ladies! As always, I'm listening to ur words of wisdom!!!!!!