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Is this normal? What does it mean? I’m disengaging idk what else to do

Mrs new wife's picture

DH and I are pregnant with our second child. Yep... that's two under two! My ss(age16) hasn't asked me once about this pregnancy or the baby. Or how I'm feeling or how the baby is doing? When we first told him about being pregnant again he was at his bio moms and asked the due date. Since then nothing else. Our household for Covid, my pregnant, our 1 year old and my husband. He never once texted us to ask how we were. Or when he came back asked if we were ok. It's like living with a stranger and it's super uncomfortable. I come from  a very big and loving family. And I feel he's lack or caring or interest in the kids is pushing me away. I'm not sure if this is normal for a teenager. Or if there is something deeper going on. 
 

with our first baby he made every moment (announcement, gender reveal, baby shower, our anniversary) about him or my husband and his ex wife and what they did. Never letting us celebrate us building our family even when we made sure to include him in all. This time around we didn't include him in the gender reveal. Mainly because the first time he put his head in his hands and sulked. On camera and in front of all our friends and family. So we didn't want to put him in thag situation again. But like I said, I come from a big family much blended and everyone is more loving and caring even the kids and teenagers. It's clear he isn't happy or excited for us growing our family. What do i do? I've since disengaged from him so I can enjoy my life moments I've waited for without his negativity. But I'm starting to worry it's been my entire pregnancy and not a once asking anything anything about me or the baby. 
 

help. Tell me it's normal or common and nothing to worry about. I'm afraid when the baby gets here he will begin tj act out or do something to try make life harder than it needs to be. 

Comments

JRI's picture

He's a 16yo boy.  Though your pregnancy and upcoming childbirth are central events in your life, he most likely doesn't feel it.  I dont think its a reflection on you or your new family.  The reason I say this is because I was 17 when my youngest brother was born.  I hardly gave it a thought, I had a hot boyfriend, busy school life and frankly, it was a little embarrassing that those old people (mom and stepdad) were obviously still having sex.  Lol  

You don't mention other issues with him so I'd just go about my normal life.  He's 16, he will be gone soon.  Best wishes for your pregnancy and safe delivery.

caninelover's picture

I so much love and value your experience and voice here on this forum.  You have such a balanced point of view.  Would you consider unofficially adopting a middle aged 'child' like me?  I need nothing, just ask that you continue to participate here!

And I agree with what you said also Smile

 

JRI's picture

Sorry, I can't adopt you, 5 kids have maxed me out.  Lol.

How do you like retirement?

caninelover's picture

If I can't be adopted kid 6 then I'll have to settle with being a forum friend Smile

Retirement is awesome.  I highly recommend it - I now love Mondays!

ESMOD's picture

Yeah.. absolutely.. and a couple years ago when they did the gender reveal.. he was what  13/14.. that would have been highly mortifying to be at an event celebrating some old people "doing it".. lol... and beyond that.. what kid is going to be thrilled at that age to see some new competition come on the scene.. and yeah.. family stuff starts getting awfully boring and lame at that age.

Totally normal.  Totally normal for kids to start pulling away from their families as teens.. becoming their own person.

It's also a reflection of your DH's and his Ex's parenting that the kid behaved like a donkey behind.. I would have hoped that dad would have called him on that.. I think I would have invited him to your reveal.. but not enforced attendance.  I'm sure he is already a bit out of joint feeling replaced.. but it's conflicted due to his own emerging independent identity.

Mrs new wife's picture

He was 15 

 

my husband had full custody then once we got married his mother came back into the picture after giving up custody of him 10 years ago. And now has him 50-50. His mom has a 11 year old son with her new husband. 
 I figured but just wanted to make sure. I coach 16 and 15 year old girls and they are always asking how I'm doing and how the baby is but could be because they are girls. 

Winterglow's picture

He's a pretty normal teen boy from what I can see. Babies aren't really their thing ...  I'd say the same about him not asking how you were doing while he was at his mother's place during COVID. Teen boys aren't really known for worrying about other people, especially when they have other things going on in their lives. Remember, to him, you are probably just his father's wife and he feels dissociated from your home because he doesn't really consider it to be his home (does he spend more time at his mother's?). Another baby isn't going to change his existence.

Besides that, not everyone focusses on babies. At 16, I would nver have considered asking about your pregnancy, or how the baby was doing or how you were feeling because it would have felt rude and intrusive (gasp! A teen asking an adult about her pregnancy!). Different families have different ways of doing things. OTOH, I was never really a baby person and never really understood what all the fuss was about.  Smile

The first time he probably made it all about him because he had been an only child for 14-15 years ... It's not easy to transition to not being the only centre of attention any more. Another reason to prefer his mother's home to yours - there, he's an only child again.

I would let this go. He's a fairly basic standard model.  :)  Keep the door and communication channels open and let him find his own way to you ... should he choose to. But don't overthink things. Not all families are like yours and not all teens will behave like those in your family do. Take things as they come.

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, a teenage boy doesn't want to think about your veejay and uterus lady bits, and you and Daddio doing it.  Awkward.

 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Is it strange he doesn't care? No. Should he have acted like an arse at these events? Also no. What was your DH's reaction to his son acting poorly? If he just lets his son behave however he wants, then his son hasn't learned the skills he needs to process weird/difficult emotions. 

And there can be lots of weird/difficult emotions that come with being a teenager in a divorced family where one or both parents have "moved on" and built new families with other people, in addition to the teenage boy feelings he already has about his dad and stepmom "doing it". If your DH has been less engaged in SS's life than he has been in your mutual kid's life (whether by choice or court order), that may play into his feelings. If BM has been talking crap about you all, that will play into it, too. Also, some people just don't care that much about family, blended or blood. 

Don't take it personally, as best you can. If your DH is bothered by it, then he needs to address it with his son.

Sparkl3s's picture

My step kid's and I don't communicate unless they need the new password to streaming services. They are kind and respectful when at our house. 
 

They don't message me to see how their brother is doing or ask to chat with him. The most interaction between them and I when they are gone is liking my Instagram post. 
 

They play with their little brother at our house and let him tag along. I think it's normal for teens to be that way. I don't think you are over reacting, your feelings are vaild if they communicate like you. If they didn't do those things (message you just bc) you giving them a blood sibling isn't going to change that interaction. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Be glad he doesn't care. SD11 constantly complained when I was pregnant. Over everything. "His crib is bigger than my bed. I never had a stroller. You don't buy me clothes. I don't get gifts. I don't like his name you picked." ALL unnecesary and lies too. We didn't include her in the baby shower, announcement, etc. She had a terrible attitude and I also didn't want her ruining everything. Baby is now 11 months old and she ignores him pretty much for the most part. I am honestly okay with it and also prefer it. I don't want her negativity rubbing off on him. 

Mrs new wife's picture

He says stuff like. He doesn't feel apart of the family anymore. And tells his mom his dad is too busy with his new responsibilities that's why he can't get a job or do xyz. Which is all not true at all! 
when i asked him ok what can we do to make you feel more apart of our family (they do 50-50 custody every other week) he said he didn't know. 
ir comes down to he is jealous and not use to sharing his dad. And does not like me or that i have any say. He is constantly pushing my buttons. Coming in my room without knocking, taking my stuff without asking, stops talking if i walk in a room. 
mine ex wife texts my husband that he is always upset that husband is helping me or at my obgyn appointments or whatever. They are all toxic and set on acting like our marriage and our kids don't matter or count and it's all about this 16 year old boy. 

Mamabearof3's picture

My brother was in his early 20s and didn't want to hear anything about my pregnancy with my son. He was grossed out by the idea of it. Young men and boys are often that way.