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MotherNature72's picture

I have visited Steptalk many times and learned many valuable things from you ladies and now it's time to open up and share the hard times that made me seek out this sanctuary in the first place.

I'm a mother of 4 grown sons, ages 21-27. I'm the stepmother of 2. The boy is 20, the girl child is 17. I met their dad 5 years ago and we got married last summer, after my youngest child left the nest. We waited to cohabit so we didn't have to mix children,and to keep things less complicated.

My SS is a wonderful, talented young man who is always respectful to me and has always been friendly and a joy to be around. His sister, not so much... The boy is in college out of state, so I don't see him except on school breaks and there is an EOW custody arrangement that was in place before I came onto the scene. However, the girl child comes and goes between houses at whim, chasing whatever material object that she may want and gravitating toward whichever parent is more likely to indulge her. She is there every day after school because she rides the bus and her GUBM will camp out in our driveway, waiting for her.

I came into her life when she was 12. Her parents were divorced for about 10 years at that point, and she was very used to being the center of the universe. Her parents compete against one another for her attention in a somewhat amicable Disneyland co-parenting situation and she always seems to manipulate them both into getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it. No is not part of either one of their their vocabularies and she is a monster because of it. She is used to having what she wants and the adults in her life just giving it to her with no questions asked.

Enter me. I was a single parent for many years prior to getting married and raised my boys alone with only minimal financial help and hardly any face time from their father. I had no issues with telling them no if it was something that I just did not have to give and I raised them humbly, with strong work ethics, life lessons and personal integrity. I'm very proud of the men they have become. They were taught to be honest, to own their mistakes and to think of others instead of just themselves. I worked for everything that I have and nothing was just handed over.

My DH was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood while I came from the other side of the tracks... We come from 2 different worlds and our upbringings were completely opposite as well as the way our own children were parented.

The girl child has not spoken more than a dozen words in my presence in about 3 years and I'm fully disengaged. From the first time that I left anything at his house, the girl child has made it a habit to freely use or take possession of anything that she came across of mine that caught her eye, then when asked about it, would lie to cover her *ss. It started with hygiene products and electronics and soon evolved to include my clothing and pretty much anything else that she wanted and I had. Before I disengaged, I would bring it up to DH, he would 'ask' her, she'd say 'no, daddy' and he would tell me that I hate her and am picking on her and it would cause an argument between us. She would become golden to daddy for a few days while I ignored them and went about my business and inevitably, DH would seek me out, looking for my attention. Predictable and it got so old that it grew hair and after a while I wised up and saw her manipulation tactics for what they were. After that, I disengaged and completely ignore her the way that she does to me.

I installed a visible security camera against DH's blessing in our bedroom and while it has deterred her somewhat, her hands are still in my stuff...

I know she uses anything of mine that I leave in the bathroom. She thinks that because I don't SEE it, that I'm ignorant and won't know. The other adults in her life are push overs and she mistakenly believes that I am, too...

Knowing this, I have had to resort to some pretty underhanded things to get some silent passive aggressive satisfaction from this situation...

Smile

I started small, with clear rubber bands on my shampoo and conditioner flip tops so I knew if they were opened. I evolved to taking a big old whiz in a half full bottle of my high end salon shampoo and mixing Nair into the matching conditioner. (She dropped a lot of hair but did not go bald.) I know she has a habit of using my razor (judging from the razor bumps that I suddenly acquired after shaving when I showered after her), so I seeded a few Serrano peppers from my garden with a ladies' Schick Hydro, replaced the cap and waited. It was a few days later and I saw her blotchy legs and knew that she used it.

You'd think that would have deterred her but NO...

I bought some invisible UV anti theft powder so her hands will glow but being an immediate gratification kind of girl, upped the ante and bought visible powder that will stain her hands purple for days on contact. I'm waiting for her to return from her extended vacation in Florida with her GUBM ( who, btw, 'can't afford' to help with her son's college tuition, but that's another blog...) so I can wait & watch. DH doesn't believe that 'his child' would do such things as steal, so it'll be interesting hearing her explain her stained fingers...

I read on here about the rat trap in a paper bag that another poster had shared. She is my hero.

Smile

Comments

Snowflake's picture

Why don't you just put an electric door lock on your door and be done with it. Tell him you have a lot of personal items that you don't want her to see. There is no reason she should ever be in your bedroom.

still learning's picture

Sharing a bathroom with a tween girl :jawdrop: I would insist on living somewhere that you have your own bathroom and she has her own or uses the guest bathroom. In my home no one is allowed in our room unless invited, we fortunately have our own master bathroom that no one uses unless it's an emergency and the other is occupied.

When I was first married DH's sons would visit and just waltz through our room to use the master bathroom. I had DH put a stop to it pronto. DH then told them to use the "guest" bathroom. You should have seen their faces. After that ss26 told me that this was "his" house. Wah wah wah. Poor babies gotta grow up, live their OWN lives and use the guest bathroom.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Put a lock on the bedroom door and on any other room you don't want her in. If there are 2 bathrooms in the house, make her use the other one and put a lock on the one you use. If not, put your things in a shower caddy and carry it back and forth. That would be a pain in the ass - but at least she couldn't use your stuff.

I would also do some soul searching about how much you are willing to put up with from your DH. Every time he believes her and not you, he is disrespecting you. Is that the way you want your DH to treat you?

MotherNature72's picture

We have 2 full bathrooms in our house and although DH has mentioned her using the downstairs bath, he never enforces it. She will sneak into the shower in the middle of the night (after her bulimic binge & purge sessions, but again, another blog) and be in there for an hour (using my products and god only knows what else). Not a huge deal, except our bedroom is right next door and inevitably, I used to get woken up until I begged my doctor for valium,now I sleep like the dead and don't hear her anymore. Nothing is ever said to her about this. No rules, no guidance, no kick in the pants when necessary as every time he has called her out on something (she HAS been caught stealing from me and when that happens, it's dismissed as 'it's JUST whatever-it-was-that-she-lifted), and she immediately calls her mother to get picked up before any sort of restriction can be given and she stays there until she feels it's blown over OR she wants something that her mom won't buy for her. Again, predictable. And old.
She would LOVE if I moved out. It would mean that once again, she gets her own way and at this point, I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen. Except for his lax parenting with her, because 'she's a GIRL' ( Hello? I'm a girl. I work full time, and I do all sorts of things that guys might do. And...? ), I really haven't got another bad thing that I can come up with, except that he's kind of messy, and if that's the worst thing that I have , I'm still doing ok. I know what else is out there in the dating pool. (Needs a whole bunch of chlorine!) and as with kidney stones, the girl child's time here, too, will pass...
I do get pissed when he insinuates that I'm lying about his princess and that's usually when my filter comes off and I let him know exactly what I think, which is why we end up not speaking for days and I become incredibly busy catching up with the girls, shopping, eating out and whatever else makes me happy, leaving them to their own devices, to spend quality time together.(You had a hot dog for dinner? Nice. I had prime rib...)
I just found out that she will be back on Tuesday after a month long hiatus so at least I will be able to entertain myself watching her wig when her hands turn violet. It's all about the small things in life...
Smile

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Great - put a lock on the door. They have ones w/combinations - so you don't have to worry about a key. Don't ask for permission, just do it. If you can't do it yourself, hire someone. You don't want to run the risk of her messing w/your products.

If she whines, point out that she will have a whole bathroom to herself - plenty of room to spread out all of her products. If your Dh complains, he can share the other bathroom w/his daughter.

This is a case where you can enforce boundaries on your own.

MotherNature72's picture

Thank you so much for your free mental health evaluation. Am not sure if I could have lasted another moment without your diagnosis. Did your license to practice come in Cracker Jacks?

I have locks, but they don't do much good when my DH leaves everything wide open when I'm at work. It kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think?

Yes, I'm so thoroughly disgusted with her behavior and lack of consequences, so, this scenerio could easily play out one of two ways : I could get mad enough to reach my breaking point and grab that little bitch and give her the general principle ass whuppin' that she needs OR, I can have a good laugh at her expense. I choose the latter.

The only stuff I leave in the bathroom now are things that I WANT her to touch, knowing full well she will not be able to resist temptation. She has her own things, there is no need for her to take mine. No. I didn't tell him that I peed in *MY* shampoo. It's mine. I don't need permission. I paid for it. If she wants to take my things, despite having her own right there, then she DESERVES the consequences.

Your opinions were duly noted and rejected.

And...?

MotherNature72's picture

Color me stupid, but I believe that at 17 years of age, she should know better than to take other people's things without their permission. Back in the ice age, we mastered that lesson in kindergarten. She should also know hygiene and that using other people's razors could cause exposure to blood borne pathogens. They DO teach that in health class so there is no excuse for her to be so nasty. It's not my place to be this child's resource when she cannot even give me the respect of acknowledging me as a person. What would she use if my stuff wasn't there? Her *own*... or nothing.

Because of my DH's inaction to parent her and teach her right from wrong, I'm taking matters into my own hands. She *will* get a strong message from me that I'm not ok with her actions and if going to school purple a few times is the consequences of those actions,then so be it.

notsobad's picture

I'm sorry to say but from everything I've read on here this won't pass.
she will still be like this in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. There's no maturity switch that is flipped when they reach 18 or 21. She will forever and always be Daddy's little girl.
If you are going to keep your sanity you'll have to find a way to make this relationship work (the one with your DH), without the passive aggressive games.

Which by the way I don't agree with. You are absolutely correct in feeling that she should not be using your stuff and you are right to expect that rules in your house should be followed.
However, can you imagine if it was her putting things into your shampoo? Or her messing with your razor?

MotherNature72's picture

I have confronted her numerous times. When that happens, she calls her mother and runs away from the consequences...
Which is why I got the theft powder. She won't be able to lie. The evidence will be there. It WILL cause drama but it will be well worth it. If she knows that she might change colors, hopefully it will put an end to it... Or she'll just go live with GUBM.

MotherNature72's picture

I have confronted her numerous times. When that happens, she calls her mother and runs away from the consequences...
Which is why I got the theft powder. She won't be able to lie. The evidence will be there. It WILL cause drama but it will be well worth it. If she knows that she might change colors, hopefully it will put an end to it... Or she'll just go live with GUBM.

MotherNature72's picture

*UPDATE*. The girl child decided to grace us with her presence on Thursday night just in time for dinner because BM has a habit of not cooking. She immediately went to her room afterwards and the only time I saw her after that was when I walked by her open door on my way to the deck for a smoke. DH stopped me to ask what the wifi password was (because the girl child could not connect to stream videos and hog the bandwidth) and although I knew, I told him that I didn't and he'd have to ask my son, who was working . On Fridays, I don't get home from work until nearly 9 pm and her and her brother were at the movies and dinner (on DH's dime but he didn't go) and although I heard them come in, I didn't see her. I'm off this weekend with no errands so I'm sure I will see her hands *sometime* soon. I did notice a purpleish tinge on the bar soap in the shower, however...
Will keep you posted.

MotherNature72's picture

I didn't tell her the password because it's something that I took upon myself to have installed when I moved in and something that I pay for. It gets old trying to go online and getting bumped off every few minutes because she's downloading videos. DH and his spawn went many years mooching free internet from the unsecured neighbors and they survived. She has an iphone 5 that her mother pays for and she uses that to go online every other time.

It's none of my concern if she cannot access twitter to publicly bash me on my dime.