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My House Rules From 3 years ago

morrginme's picture

I was getting sick of SD's behavior. When she acted out she would make a huge public display and then race to make sure she talked to dad with her lies before I got a chance to talk to him about it. He doesn't like to be bothered at work because it makes a hard job for him even harder and can't carry his phone on him most of the time but he checks it. I would be willing to wait to talk to him after he got home but she would take advantage of this and call him over and over until he would eventually answer. It felt ridiculous and infuriating when he would get mad at me! When those incidents would happen I would be so mad and SD would actually be skipping and humming to herself around the house with a huge weird smile. I had to do something. I needed some rules if she was to be left with me while he worked. I needed rules that no sane person could argue as being ridiculous or out of line. They also had to keep DH in line a bit so to speak. I don't know of a better way to say that right now without sounding like a control freak. It's not my intention. I just wanted to protect myself. Here's the house rules I came up with.

"

  1. No intimidating other by yelling at them.
  2. Taking a walk to “cool off” is encouraged if it's needed but it's confined to property and down ----- Avenue. The original issue still has to be dealt with upon return. 
  3. No tattling – Yes reporting
    Tattling is trying to get someone in trouble
    Reporting is telling someone about a dangerous or abusive situation that is happening or going to happen and needs to be handled by an adult to stop it.
  4. I will not be tattled on 
    If I am being dangerous or abusive then the victim, another adult, or anyone else needs to immediately call 911, the police, and/or Child Protective Services.
  5. No stealing from anywhere.
  6. I will be asked and updated about plans away from house and updated when plans change.
  7. No physically hurting others. 
    Stop if asked or if the other person is in pain.
  8. I will not be told “No” unless I am being abusive in which case the one I am abusing, another adult, or anyone else needs to immediately call 911, the police, and/or Child Protective Services.

Consequences by loss of privileges for a specified amount of time if these rules/expectations are not followed.

No exceptions to these rules. "

 

I later added the phone numbers for the police and CPS. 

I wanted both of them made clear that if I'm not abusing someone emotionally or physically then it doesn't make sense to come after me like I have and if I am then the authorities should be involved. Almost all of the rules I thought couldn't be argued as being unreasonable. I showed the list to him first and asked him if he wanted to add anything or make any changes. He said he didn't and showed her the list telling her it had to be followed. She freaked out! She said how could she follow it when she didn't even understand the words. She was a 12 year old straight A student. She understood them but she claimed it was too confusing and doesn't want any rules. Said it's too hard to follow rules. He did get it through to her that they had to be followed. Then she didn't come over or contact him for 2 months. She was punishing him. I told DH I was sorry she was doing this to him but the rules will still be here whenever she decides to come back. Over time she just got more sneaky to get around these rules. At least they worked for a couple of years pretty good.

 

 

 

Comments

Cover1W's picture

oh, the rules.  Those are good ones!

I just tried to institute rules like: wear pajamas to bed not your daily clothing; put dirty clothes in your laundry basket; brush your teeth before going to bed...super basic things.

SD14 (then 10) cried and fought and eventually told DH it was "to hard" to follow and she "didn't have time."  BTW:  There was also finiancial incentive if they followed the rules but money means nothing if DH pays for everything whatsoever.  DH took down the list after only two months.

futurobrillante99's picture

I hope and pray your DH sticks with it and backs you up.

My soon to be ex dragged his feet for 9 months to agree to and post house rules for his adult and older teen children.

Things like no under age drinking, smoking pot, bringing girls into the house for sex, etc. Quiet hours were also established.

The reason he finally agreed to them was to get me to move into OUR house and sell MY house. But I soon learned he would go through the motions of enforcing the rules, but there were NO consequences, and more and more he resented  ME for their existence. So, I bought my own house and before I moved out, I took the house rules off the fridge and tucked them away with some other papers.

i really hope your DH “gets it” and doesn’t start blaming you for his unruly and manipulative child not coming over.

You have the right to peace and authority in your own home.