You are here

It Just Got Worse

morrginme's picture

I will skip straight to the worst. SD16 went to hit DH and he put her to the ground to restrain her. Then she was saying her back hurt and she's going to live with her grandpa and she's taking it to court so she never has to live here again. 

Previous to this DH had told she couldn't go do something. She was doing her thing that she does by following him around saying "Dad - dad - daaad- dad". He was telling her to knock it off while walking away. Few minutes later he comes around the corner saying he is headed to town to turn off her phone. She is crying talking on her phone.

He told me she wouldn't knock off her whining and complaining about how mean I am to her and how I don't want her here. She was blaming everyone for being horrible to her. He was telling her she's the one who is rude and mean. She punched the wall (not the first time). Since she wouldn't stop he said he was shutting off her phone. She flipped out worse and lunged for him. He restrained her to the ground. 

He left to go shut off her phone. She had a friend pick her up. He came back without shutting off her phone and said the line was really long so he will do it later. Ugh!

I tried to piece together what I saw and what he told me. Hope it made sense.

Advice please, please, please.

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

with SD's attitude I would have waited all night long in line with baited breath to get the damn thing big shut off.  Sounds like a idle threat to placate.  

morrginme's picture

I would have waited too. When he told me he left because the line was too long I put my face in my hands. He snapped something at me I can't remember and I said he gets mad at her and then takes it out on the rest of us. He said he didn't mean it like that. Then he came again a minute or two later saying he was sorry he snapped at me about it. I probably shouldn't have show a reaction when I've been trying to remove myself from anything to do with her and he was already worked up. Still, I wish he would follow through.

Lndsy747's picture

This definitely sounds like nothing but an excuse most carriers you can call in or go online and shut it off yourself no need to stand in lines. Idle threats like this just show kids that they can control and manipulate the situation by acting out.

Petronella's picture

but wasn’t sure if it worked the same everywhere. My FH has absolutely cut off SD’s phone right from our living room. He does it online or talks to a rep. Of course kids will still find workarounds even if they have no data or texting. They’ll go somewhere with wifi and communicate with their precious friends via Instagram messaging or some such nonsense. Still, it does slow them down a bit.

Point is, this excuse of “the line was too long” is pitiful. OPs husband is a liar as well as an idiot.

Indigo's picture

About that. I thought you could call a 1-800-# or go online to cancel or suspend a phone line.

Never knew that you had to go into town, find a store, wait in line ... 

somethingwicked's picture

My advice is SAVE YOU ,DD8 and your dog.Get away from this madhouse!

Your SD 16  reads like she  has an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder and is a danger to herself ,you and your DD8~maybe even the dog.

And DuH seems to enjoy the aggression.He is a weak father figure ,a liar and manipulative. He threatens to get a desired effect .He does not follow through with cause and effect punishment and ,frankly, SD16 is way beyond giving a "F" about what her father thinks or does.There is no respect either way .

And I bet,after reading some of the back posts ,he is  a lousy husband as well.

 

Her aggression and anger and inability to control her anger w/o striking (punching walls ) is frightening.When does she punch DD8 ?or you? 

Your DuH has some serious emotional  issues  as well.As I mentioned he is a manipulator and a liar and plays you against his unhinged daughter 16. I am sure she is no shrinking wall flower and may very well match you in height and weight.Reading what you’ve written in past about SD sounds like she could snap and DuH,too, is showing physical aggression.

Where do you stand with your DuH?

He blames you some of the time for SD16’s mood swings and that is unfair to you and to her because she is sick.

 

I don't think YOU can fix or help  these 2 people.They both need to seek professional help~therapy and SD16 probably prescription medication.

How can you possibly be happy in this constant arena of anger,tip toeing around hoping and praying these two  emotional volcanoes don't explode? and what an environment for your eight year old.

 

Can you get your DD8 the dog and yourself away from this madness ?

Can you call family or friends for help ,a place to stay until you can find your footing , think of a permanent plan towards a happier ,fulfilled life w/o all this dead end drama?

Even a shelter would seem better.Safer.

Wishing you all the luck . 

morrginme's picture

Thank you for your honest advice and support. DH is great except for anything having to do with SD16. With DD8 he loving but firm. He praises her for when she works hard at something, has age appropriate consequences when it's needed, expects respectful behavior, encourages her to stand up for herself, spends time with her, and listens to her when she wants to talk to him about something. With SD16 since she was little he always praised her, encouraged her, spent time with her, goes to all her games, listen to her, and encouraged her to stand up for herself. What he didn't and hasn't done with her is give her consequences and doesn't demand respectful behabvior. He drives her almost whenever she wants to go somewhere, gives her money, doesn't expect to help with any chores around the house, and usually has an excuse ready for her on top of the excuse she has already given. SD is barely ever home anymore. She's usually at a school activity, sports, or with a friend. She even spends the night with friends during school nights. When she is home she basically eats, sleeps, talks with her friends on her phone, takes a bath, walks around complaining about everything and everyone, talks about the things she wants, and raises hell if anyone disagrees with her. If DH sees or hears her being mean to the dog, DD8, or me he let's her know it's not ok. She hasn't been doing this very often anymore since she is always gone. Even though he makes sure she knows it's not ok he has to be there himself to actually believe she was being mean and when he does say something she turns it into WWIII. But then she still gets to go out again, still has her phone turned on, and he will still give her money so I don't see how anything will change. I think he thinks that she will see he's being such a nice dad to her by not getting her in trouble and giving in to what she wants. He figures she will be able to see how nice he is to her by giving in all the time. He has also let her train him into becoming intimidated when he tries to establish some boundaries with her. It doesn't help that BM always sides with her, tells her how we are liars and narcissists, insecure because we have made her upset. BM encourages using intimidation and violence to get your way. She prides herself on being a violent person and tries to influence her daughter to do the same.

Petronella's picture

about this. She was allowed to waltz out of the house on her own terms, straight back to BM probably with a new story about how Daddee pushed her down. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the police or CPS show up at your door. 

I agree with Somethingwicked: your husband and his daughter are both out of control and you and your son may not be safe in that house. A good idea would have been to have called the police yourself while this whole scene was going down. 

I strongly suggest that you start making a plan for where you will take your son and dog when she comes back. Start saving money that your husband doesn’t know about. Enrol your son in school and start looking for a job for yourself. Your current situation is not sustainable and is only going to get worse. Your husband has shown you that your safety and your son’s safety is not important to him. Please be an adult and take care of yourself.

Indigo's picture

Exposes DD-8 to a high level of risk -- from SD, DH & from your perceived lack of protection in a domestic violence situation. It's easy to say, "It wasn't me or DD-8 wasn't hurt," unfortunately you can still temporarily lose custody. 

Be careful.  Be proactive & make a plan. DD-8 relies on you. CPS likely will be in your life shortly. 

Indigo's picture

It's amazing how things can be turned "cattywhampus" once CPS & the courts are involved.

All 3 stepgrand-kids with two different biodads as primary custodians are now wards-of-the-state. (SD-34 now is indigent in another state) In one household, biodad - primary sole custody, also lost temporary custody of 3 other children by a seperate biomom.

Try to keep the police, the courts & social services out of your life w/DD-8. 

 

STaround's picture

an "ours" child, yours and DH's?  I dont agree with taking the child out of state.  Out of the house, yes 

morrginme's picture

CPS in my state has a 44% higher rate of removal than the rest of the US. If they get ahold of a family you are done for. You could be the most functional and loving family ever but if someone makes a false allegation or you upset the wrong person who can make a real angel sound like a devil and they catch wind of it, kids are gone. I know two people who to this day doesn't know where they took their children. They don't follow the laws here. They have there own and they do their own internal reviews. I might decide to leave the state.

Indigo's picture

Intellectually, I know that we must listen & believe initially children's reports of abuse. Err on the side of the child. Protect the child.  Usually there is a grain or boulder of truth.

Unfortunately in our current system, innocent or ignore-ant folk can be caught up & punished -- collaterol damage. I have step-grands on both sides of that story.

Consider yourself & DD-8.  I am sincere in my caution to protect her.

morrginme's picture

I'm starting to see the other side of this. By DH not controlling SD and her acting out it creates a dangerous and damaging environment for DD and everyone else.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Good!

morrginme's picture

Now he's turning it back on after work. After it got turned off she started using other peoples phones to start blowing up our phones because she wanted her phone turned back on. Then today she said she was calling so much because she was wanting a ride home and will he please turn her phone on now and he agreed he would

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Pathetic!

justmakingthebest's picture

Have you guys considered filing assault charges against her first? What about a psychiatric hold? There has to be something that can be done preemptively to stop her from false allegations. You have a terrorist on your hands. 

STaround's picture

"she went to hit him"  - not she hit him  and "he put her to the ground"  -  he will be headed to the pokey

ctnmom's picture

You will never get rid of them. I could never be in this situation because I'dve literally curled up and died if anyone took my kids away. When I caught SS41 (now a successful family man, then 20yo) selling pot (outside the house at his job), he was out the next week. When I told my DH, he had a minute of disbelief, and in that moment of not believing me I was planning my exit.

morrginme's picture

Im seeing this more and more. It also gets worse. I have 6 felony conviction. They are over 16 years old. Ive alway known that if CPS gets ahold of me I'm probably doomed and it will take every bit of my sanity to not curl up and die if my child is taken.