Disengagement maybe working and SD16 demands her weed back!
I think my disengagement is making progress and is finally getting easier to implement. I've always been one step ahead of SD16 and thought if DH would just listen to me then it could be worked out, but with me doing that I became too easy of a scapegoat which distracted away from her actual bad behavior and DH being able to ignore it. It never worked when I would pressure him to take action. Now I might bring something to his attention because I have to and because it's important, but after that I'm done with it. If DH chooses to talk to me about it I listen but don't add anything.
After finding marijuana in SD16's room while looking for my missing hair care product no one has said anything to her about it. I kept reminding myself to let it go and let things naturally progress on their own. When the dishes barely got done and I got really mad I kept asking myself if it will matter to me in 10 years. When I saw SD grabbing as much food as she could before leaving for school because she can't eat free meals at school anymore which interferes with the money DH was giving her every week to pay for her food so she could buy it where ever she chooses (pocketing the money while claiming she wouldn't eat school food but actually was eating the school food) I haven't said anything about it either. When SD started arguing the last few days with DH I either left the room, went outside, or left the house. (I always take DD8 with me because the arguing gets pretty explosive and really upsets and scares her.)
What I find kind of interesting is that the reason for their recent arguing is because SD is livid that someone took the marijuana out of her bedroom. She came to DH demanding to know where it was. It reminds me of some of the police videos I've seen where they feature dumb criminals. Someone calls the police because their illegal drugs were stolen from them and the dispatch is wondering if they heard the caller correctly. Anyway, since then the war has been going strong and DH is staying strong. He even told her he was the one who got it out of her room. I told him he could have told her the truth but he said no it wouldn't work and then he made the comment that I won't even drive her to school. I'm not sure how these two things are related but I still listened. I did know a response was needed about my disengaging. I told him I think I have an example. He wants me to give her rides to school but I'm not allowed to tell her where she can and can't go. As another SM put it - I'm expected to make SS's lunch everyday but I can't tell him to turn the television down. DH told me he kind of understood what I was saying.
Well, I'm taking off for the weekend to visit the last grandparent I have. She's my dad's mother and my dad died in 2004. I miss all my grandparents so much and of course my dad too. I get to feel close to him when I'm at her house. DD8 is going with me and I'll take her schoolwork with us. We are riding with my aunt which and I've never gone on a road trip with her before so it will be a first. I haven't gotten away it seems like forever. I'm finally feeling excited about going now that I'm talk about it.
Thank you everyone for listening, being supportive, and giving me the hard truth when it was needed. I don't think I could have made it this far without this site and everyone here.