You are here

Disengagement maybe working and SD16 demands her weed back!

morrginme's picture

I think my disengagement is making progress and is finally getting easier to implement. I've always been one step ahead of SD16 and thought if DH would just listen to me then it could be worked out, but with me doing that I became too easy of a scapegoat which distracted away from her actual bad behavior and DH being able to ignore it. It never worked when I would pressure him to take action. Now I might bring something to his attention because I have to and because it's important, but after that I'm done with it. If DH chooses to talk to me about it I listen but don't add anything.

After finding marijuana in SD16's room while looking for my missing hair care product no one has said anything to her about it. I kept reminding myself to let it go and let things naturally progress on their own. When the dishes barely got done and I got really mad I kept asking myself if it will matter to me in 10 years. When I saw SD grabbing as much food as she could before leaving for school because she can't eat free meals at school anymore which interferes with the money DH was giving her every week to pay for her food so she could buy it where ever she chooses (pocketing the money while claiming she wouldn't eat school food but actually was eating the school food) I haven't said anything about it either. When SD started arguing the last few days with DH I either left the room, went outside, or left the house. (I always take DD8 with me because the arguing gets pretty explosive and really upsets and scares her.)

What I find kind of interesting is that the reason for their recent arguing is because SD is livid that someone took the marijuana out of her bedroom. She came to DH demanding to know where it was. It reminds me of some of the police videos I've seen where they feature dumb criminals.  Someone calls the police because their illegal drugs were stolen from them and the dispatch is wondering if they heard the caller correctly. Anyway, since then the war has been going strong and DH is staying strong. He even told her he was the one who got it out of her room. I told him he could have told her the truth but he said no it wouldn't work and then he made the comment that I won't even drive her to school. I'm not sure how these two things are related but I still listened. I did know a response was needed about my disengaging. I told him I think I have an example. He wants me to give her rides to school but I'm not allowed to tell her where she can and can't go. As another SM put it - I'm expected to make SS's lunch everyday but I can't tell him to turn the television down. DH told me he kind of understood what I was saying. 

Well, I'm taking off for the weekend to visit the last grandparent I have. She's my dad's mother and my dad died in 2004. I miss all my grandparents so much and of course my dad too. I get to feel close to him when I'm at her house. DD8 is going with me and I'll take her schoolwork with us. We are riding with my aunt which and I've never gone on a road trip with her before so it will be a first. I haven't gotten away it seems like forever. I'm finally feeling excited about going now that I'm talk about it. 

Thank you everyone for listening, being supportive, and giving me the hard truth when it was needed. I don't think I could have made it this far without this site and everyone here.



Siemprematahari's picture

Your entire 3rd paragraph of this post had me ROFL

I cannot fathom how his daughter has the audacity to argue about the marijuana that was taken from her room. Your H must have a high tolerance for bullsh!t because I'd make her life miserable. I'm glad you have disengaged and please continue to do so for the sake of your daughter and your sanity. Your H has his work cut out for him! Unfortunately he will learn the hard way and you don't have to deal with any parts of it.

Hope you have a wonderful time on your trip!

morrginme's picture

No one ever instilled the adult/child concept to her. She thinks she has equal say in everything and has all the power to make choices that involve the entire family because no one ever told her to go mind her own business or tell her the word "no". DH made her his best friend after his divorce to BM. He was the one who won custody and felt really bad for SD and all the things her mom had put her through. Towards the end of his marriage he spent most of his days missing work because he was kicking in doors of drug houses looking for where BM had hidden their daughter. One time DH's GM told me that he had come to her house after finding SD at a drug house and GM had dressed SD in a bright yellow onesie that morning. When DH showed up with SD later after finding her GM saw that the onesie was a dark shade of brown and the rest of the child was filthy too. This was brought up in the custody battle. So this is part of what drives DH's guilt and overprotectiveness of SD. He can't stand the thought that she is ever unhappy or possibly suffering.

Cooooookies's picture

I figured that my DH is the same - it only affects him when he has to deal with it directly.  When I made sure SS brushed his teeth, put on deodorant, cleaned his room, did his homework, etc - - it only registered with DH that it's done.  So, what's the problem?  Doesn't matter that I'd tie myself into knots to achieve said result, all that mattered is that SS did it.

So when I stepped back, DH started to notice everything.  For example when SS does laundry, guarantee he will leave his clothes in the dryer.  He'll leave it in there until one of us goes to use it and cannot because his stuff is still in there from 3 days ago.  DH had experienced that a handful of times and became frustrated and SS got into trouble.

It's like it's only real if they see it and feel it.

Harry's picture

What the difference between you and the hired help?  You can make lunch but not tell them anything.  You can drive them to school but not say anything except yesum.  To me your more the maid then SM.   How do you live that way?  Your DH does not respect you. He’s using you 

morrginme's picture

This is the reason I disengaged. I couldn't take the expectations and no authority in my own home. 

advice.only2's picture

So his ex is a loser drug addict and it sounds like SD is going down the same path, but better he be her buddy and pal rather than step up an parent her so she does't turn out like her mother. Stellar.

notsobad's picture

My HS boyfriends older brother sold pot. This was way back when it was very ilegal and he still lived at home. His parents could have lost their house if he'd ever been caught.

His mother found a pound of pot in his room. She took it and flushed every bit of it down the toilet. It took her almost an hour to do it and not plug up the toilet, she didn't tell anyone she'd flushed it. Older brother was livid and freaked out. Dad was out of town but when he came back he demanded that Dad make Mom give back the pot because it had cost him a fortune to buy!

Dad actually told Mom to give it back, that's when it came out that Mom had flushed it. So then older brother demanded that they pay him for the pot! Dad was going to and WW3 broke out. It was a sight to behold.

This same father cleaned up all the beer cans and dragged the same son into the house to his bed when he'd driven home drunk and crashed his car into the neighbours parked car. Dad paid off the neighbour and lied his ass off to the cops.

The son died when he was 24, he was hit by a drunk driver. Dad didn't talk to anyone for about a year.

They were the most disfunctional family I'd ever met and after being around them I knew what I didn't want in my life. They were also a first family and Mom and Dad are still married. None of the 4 kids ever married and only the son who died had one son. That son was adopted by his stepfather when his biodad was killed in the accident.

morrginme's picture

Wow! Sounds like denial just creates more dysfunction of staggering proportions if its not dealt with.