You are here

Help

morgan's picture

I need some serious help. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. I helped raise three out of four of his kids. All are now grown except for the youngest who is almost 17. I have no kids of my own. The problem I am having is the fact I have been trying to conceive for the past year and have not been able to do so. It really has been an emotional struggle for me to figure out that it may not happen for me. This really,really hurts. To rub salt in the wounds we found out one month ago that my 19 yr old step daughter is pregnant(out of wedlock by a complete loser). Then 2 days ago his oldest daughter who is 22 just told us SHE is pregnant also. (She just eloped last month). I cannot tell you the pain I am feeling. I feel so helpless and guilty for resenting the fact that THEY are pregnant. This makes MY husband a grandpa. He is only 44 and I am 34. The very thought of this makes me sick. I don't know what to do. I feel like just giving up on the whole baby thing for me. I need help. I hate to say this but I just don't feel I can take this. I feel I have sacraficed so, so much over the past 9 years and feel that it is my turn. My husbands total focus has been on his kids this entire time and now I feel like it will never be on me. I hate this. I feel lost. How can we have a baby if he is going to be a grandpa?

Comments

still_looking's picture

You know what you are feeling as far as the jealousy, is ok, but don't blame your step-kids for their ability of conception as a lack of ability towards you.
First off, I am quite sure that when you married your husband you did know how old he was and since you raised 3 of the 4 kids you were aware of his kids ages and you were definately in the loop of when they became WOMEN, so surely this is of no shock to you.
You happen to be married to a man who is 10 years older than you and you are also not 20 anymore, are you old and dried up? Of course not, I am 34, but I also know that while I did have all of my kids before I was 25, I probably couldn't do that right now to save my life.
As much as it sounds like you and your husband would like to have a child of your own, why does that timeline of YOUR CHOOSING need to trickle down to your step children, if the 19 year old decides to have 15 kids out of wedlock, what does that have to do with you? I am being real there, outside of the moral issue and HOW we as parents would like our kids life to go, what does her childbirthing timeline have to do with you?
If you decide to keep trying to have a child for the next 10 years are your step-children suppose to not grow their family out of respect of difficulties of you and their dad? I have a feeling that even you would agree that would be pretty selfish, because whose to say that the 22 year old in 10 years won't be having fertility concerns just as you are and won't be able to have a child?
I think that you are hurting, and it seems to you that everyone and everything around you is producing off spring but you. I get that, but staying focused on that is not helping you not FOCUS on it, when you married your hubby again you knew the age difference, if your husband's attention has been on raising his kids, is that the reason that you did not have kids back then? And if so maybe that is where this jealousy also lies, because you feel it's always been them, them them.
Now what do you mean by how can you have a baby if he is going to be a grandpa? Do you mean that as far as what will people think? Or how can you physically do that? To me if you and he are wanting a child I don't care if he is a GREAT GRANDPA, you are once again basing your timeline on someone else's timeline.
WHEN it happens, enjoy your baby, and if Grandpa has 10 grandkids on his leg at the same time he has 1 child on their as well!

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

laughterandtears's picture

I have a VERY hard time getting pregnant. It finally happened last year and now I have a 9 month old son and I'm no spring chicken myself. I was really jealous of my sister, cousins ect.. when they had children and I did not. I couldn't understand it. I was on the verge of going to a ferility clinic when I found out I was pregnant. Have you thought about that? If nothing else, they can tell you what is going on and help you figure out how to have a baby. And who's to say it's even your problem? Just b/c your husband has kids doesn't mean he can have more. I would get checked out, have my DH get checked out. But keep in mind my story. It took me 10 years to have a baby.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Oh Canada's picture

I felt like I was looking into my own future. I too am 34 / BF is 45. He's got 4 grown kids. I am scared to death about how I am going to handle my emotions when his daughter gets pregnant or his sons have kids of their own. I totally understand what you're saying.

I don't know what to say, I am very concerend about how I will handle this when it happens to me. It's so sad to be denied like that. All people do is say how wonderful kids are and how you will never love anyone or anything as much as your child. It makes me feel lost too.

Sorry I can't help. You're not the only one out there going through these things. Thank goodness for this site!

happy's picture

You can have a baby too. Why should you give up on having a child because he is going to be a grandpa.. I think truth be told you are really just upset and I don't want to use the term jealous because I don't think your jealous. Your husband can be dad and Grandpa.. Look at the movie Father of Bride 2.. It would be terrific. Have you went to the Dr. both of you to find out if there are problems? Start there.. Then get the little tester, so when you ovulate you can call your husband make him come home and give you some MOJO... LOL.. DOn't give up, but then again they say it happens when you least expect it.. My one friend tried for years went on the fertility drugs and guess what the night of her birthday her and her husband were spontaneous and Bam pregnant.. SO don't give up just maybe try to think more like well if it happens it does. Maybe put your focus somewhere else so that way you are not stressing yourself out. Your body will not allow you to get pregnant if you are stressed..
I am sorry you are sad. Just think though about he daughters who are pregnant, 19 and 22 and barely got there own stuff together, you are older and wiser and your husband will be very supportive because he is wise and been thru it..
It will happen for you just relax...
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

sweetthing's picture

I am 27 weeks pregnant and will be 39 this summer. I only had 1 tube & ended up doing a round of Clomid & got pregnant the first round. Go see your Dr & have them check your FSH levels ect.. to see if there is a reason that you are not getting pregnant.

My former brother in law had raised two step sons & had a grandson from the oldest. He & his second wife got pregnant so his grandson & his bio son were a year apart. This was an oops, but a better daddy he could not be. He was like 46 at the time. I used to tease him that it was a southern thing. Smile

My Dh is 32 & had his boys when he was younger, I know he is looking forward to being a daddy again being older ( okay in my eye's 32 is pretty darned young, but I think kids age you ) because he knows to relish every minuet of it.

Don't give up your dream, and go get checked out. It's totally painless & insurance will generally pay to dx fertility issues, just not treat them. FYI one round of Clomid was $25.00.

Anne 8102's picture

Who says you can't have a grandchild who is older than your child? They do it on the soaps all the time! Wink Sorry, not trying to make light of your dilemma. I just think that this now your life, together. He has older children from a previous life and yes, they will be giving him grandchildren, but that's no reason to put the nix on having a child of your own together. You are both young and if it's what you want, then you should go for it. Who cares what anyone thinks?! This is your life, your dream, reach for it. If it works out, then great! Your child will have built-in playmates. If it doesn't, then yes, you'll have to find a way to make peace with that. But don't make this decision based on whether or not your husband will be as devoted to you and your child (he most certainly will!) and don't make it based on society's "rules" for what is "right" or "acceptable" because none of that matters. Just live your best life and be happy!

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

Hanny's picture

2 grandkids older than my bio daughter. I was pregnant at the same time as my daughter in law, she delivered 2 months before me. My daughter went to the same HS as the older 3 grandkids. Teachers, and kids would ask if they were cousins, and it was easier that way so they just said yes, even my daughter was their aunt. This is what blended families are all about. I am 58 and I have 5 step sons, 8 step grandchildren, and 5 step great grandchildren, and my daughter is 27 and has no kids yet. So don't worry about the ages, your still young enough to have kids and that's all that counts.

V

Angel's picture

I have two aunts (one from each side of the family---that means my paternal grandfather & his wife had a baby & my maternal grandmother had a baby) that are one year younger than I am. We were best friends and treated each other as cousins. Don't fret, you're still young and it is still probable that you can have a baby. Forget what people will say----you do what is right for you.