You are here

DH went off on me

MomOfTwo1313's picture

 

BM texted DH and that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids alone or he can drop them off at her house alone which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired and that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now. I’m the ones that has been helping out with everything and somehow I became the problem? Everybody wants me to step aside and shut up but yet do everything for these kids. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that she’s trying to isolate me so she can have alone time with him. That’s no go parenting- that’s taking advantage of the situation. I’m so upset 

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

Tell him plainly that if he wants you to butt out, it’s ALL or NOTHING. If you’re out, you’re out all the way. Have fun a-hole DH.

Disneyfan's picture

You are not obligated to do anything for his children.

Step aside and allow your husband, BM and CPS sort this all out.  CPS will give both parents the tools they need to parent their children.  If the two of them can't get their acts together, the kids will be placed in foster care.

 

notarelative's picture

DH is not thinking clearly if he thinks not following CPS advice is a good idea. If the advice was not to leave the kids alone with BM, he should comply. Non compliance with this advice can result in the children being placed in foster care. So, drop the kids off dad, and both of you will end up at a visiting center to see your kids. (And you won't be visiting at the same time BM.) DH can just ask my SD who thought the CPS advice was optional too. 

 

notasm3's picture

If your DH has trouble deciding whether to please you or BM he’s a worthless POS. 

Monkeysee's picture

Yep!

Iamwoman's picture

^^^ This. I was wondering why he is even torn between you and BM. If you aren't the person he is trying to please 100% of the time, then he doesn't love you.

I would be very suspicious if my DH lost his sh*t on me because he wanted to dine alone with BM, and I (naturally) took issue with this set up.

Option 3: dine with BM, skid, and YOU. Why is he leaving this option out?

BM is obviously in trouble with CPS. She doesn't get to call the shots. DH does. So HE is choosing to dine alone with BM despite having, quite literally, ANY option he wants to create.

Curious Georgetta's picture

The pressure of the entire situation. He likely is not looking to please anyone. He may just want the situation resolved and some certainty for his children.

He is getting pressure from 2 women, neither of whom will have much say about what CPS decides.

CPS will look at the situation and make a recommendation. They are no doubt aware that the OP assists and provides for the children. They probably do not need any other input  from her and are not questioning her  helpfulness. She however has no legal standing and is not a legal party to the case.

The BM is a party to the action.

The OP's feelings are hurt and that is unfortunate but she is doing what she is doing out of love for her husband, and I would imagine that he is appreciative.

The OP should just stand back and let the legal process play out. No amount of good intentions, past helpfulness, or marital status will give you standing in an action where you have no legally articulated standing.

At the end of the day, do you really believe that your husband wants to spend anymore time with his ex than he has to spend? His focus is on bringing this dreadful situation to an end. The BM may be happily jerking you around, but do you really care what this woman thinks about you? She is a threat to your marriage only if you make her an issue;  otherwise her significance exists only in her imagination.

If need be , let your husband bring the children to McDonald's for a happy meal with mom. You do not need to be present for that and if the ex views that as a date with your husband that just speaks to her delusions.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Due to his history with her from deleting texts and his daughter telling me that he hugged her to comfort her when her and her BF broke up makes me feel uneasy about their i intentions at this point. He tells me what I want to hear but obviously feels differently by his actions. Sometimes I feel like he wants to be with me to help him with the kids and business . Not because he loves me... I would never do anything to risk losing the kids. I just want them safe. So snapping at me for telling him she doesn’t call the shots makes me feel like he’s more worried about looking bad or mean with her then letting it effect our marriage again 

Winterglow's picture

"CPS will look at the situation and make a recommendation. "

It seems to me that CPS has already made a first recommendation. They said that the children were not to be left with their mother for the time being. OP's husband seems to want to disregard that ...

MomOfTwo1313's picture

He is always willing to give her way regardless of his marriage or advice. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

The pressure of the entire situation. He likely is not looking to please anyone. He may just want the situation resolved and some certainty for his children.

He is getting pressure from 2 women, neither of whom will have much say about what CPS decides.

CPS will look at the situation and make a recommendation. They are no doubt aware that the OP assists and provides for the children. They probably do not need any other input  from her and are not questioning her  helpfulness. She however has no legal standing and is not a legal party to the case.

The BM is a party to the action.

The OP's feelings are hurt and that is unfortunate but she is doing what she is doing out of love for her husband, and I would imagine that he is appreciative.

The OP should just stand back and let the legal process play out. No amount of good intentions, past helpfulness, or marital status will give you standing in an action where you have no legally articulated standing.

At the end of the day, do you really believe that your husband wants to spend anymore time with his ex than he has to spend? His focus is on bringing this dreadful situation to an end. The BM may be happily jerking you around, but do you really care what this woman thinks about you? She is a threat to your marriage only if you make her an issue;  otherwise her significance exists only in her imagination.

If need be , let your husband bring the children to McDonald's for a happy meal with mom. You do not need to be present for that and if the ex views that as a date with your husband that just speaks to her delusions.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM doesn’t want me to be around. So he listens to her 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Wants to avoid more conflict and confrontational in a situation that already has more drama than anyone should want in an entire lifetime.

thinkthrice's picture

This is a flashback for me to the "early years" where Chef would exclaim and sob "I can't please everyone!"  (meaning the Girhippo the skids and me)  of course he didn't know this at the time but the Gir and the skids WERE on the same team due to 24/7 PASing by the Gir 'n' clan.

Want2's picture

All right so who is “making you do everything” for these kids? It’s not your husband, he is saying the exact opposite. It’s not CPS. It can’t be BM, she’s not the boss of you.

Who, exactly, then?

MomOfTwo1313's picture

DH... I do everything for his kids because he works and their mom won’t be consistent with her days with them. He just told me yesterday thank you for everything you do for us and that they love me very much but then he snapped today. He wants to do what he wants with the kids and his BM but asks me to carry his and her slack. But yet they don’t want me to have an opinion. I’m not ok with him meeting with BM alone with the kids while he’s having dinner with them as a family and I’m at home taking care of our daughter. I told him from now on he’s on his own with the lawyer, paperwork, cps and the kids. I give up. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and today he made me realize it was for nothing. 

Merry's picture

That's about your only answer. He's happy to accept (maybe expect) your help, but he's not happy when you have an opinion or a point of view. Then you're an irritation.

No way in HELL should he be having pretend-family dinners. Surely he sees the big fat boundary line there? Or maybe it's easier for him to ignore it and expect you to ignore it too because that's easier for HIM. 

Nope, nope, nope. Do NOT let him bully you into doing what he wants just to shut him up.

Curious Georgetta's picture

dinner as a family. It would be an ocassion where a dad is taking his children on a court mandated supervised visit with their mom.

Both you and the BM , for different reasons, may be viewing this a some family social outing. You husband is likely viewing this as an unpleasant but necessary obligation that he performs for the well being of his children. He is probably getting no pleasure from this obligation. 

However, both you and the BM seem to view this as an opportunity to mark your territory.

If you are taking care of his kids in his absence as some type of quid pro quo situation then you should let him know exactly what payment you expect in return for your services.  The expectation is not love and appreciation instead it is the opportunity to provide unsolicited input into a situation that he has no authority to grant you any legal standing.

I can see how this situation has been frustrating and stressful to all of you, but the solution is not to beat up verbally upon each other. This process will end  soon enough.

In the interim,is your marriage so insecure that it cannot survive his taking his kids out for a brief meal with their mom as part of the supervised visit? Is an hour or two alone with your daughter so distasteful that you feel as though that is a punishment because you would rather be spending that time in the company of his ex?

 

 

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

There is a history of deleted texts messages, phone calls only when I’m not around and his daughter telling me that he and her were hugging when he was trying to comfort her when she and her BF broke up. Of course he denys it. I help because I want his kids to feel safe and loved after what their mother did. But I’m definitely not doing all of this for nothing. You’re right. I do it to help my husband and work together as a team. To make our relationships what it should be which is a unity. Definitely not to be told to “butt out and not to tell him what to do with his kids” after everything I’ve been involved in. I don’t think anybody would feel ok with putting your heart and soul into anything that you will later be told to shut up and just do as your told. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Response and remarks then you should act based upon your perception. If however you can understand that he is probably exhausted and frustrated by this process maybe it would help if the 2 of you sought counselling when this process is over.

Have you ever reached out to hug someone when they are obviously distressed.That is a not uncommon response for most of us.

People on this site often offer virtual hugs to nameless and faceless strangers

I would discourage the daughter from discussing it telling you anything about interactions between her mom and dad for 2 reasons.. 1Your husband will tell you anything that you need to know and 2 a child that will tell you a tale will also carry a tale. If you do not want her discussing what goes on in your home ,you should not allow her to tell you any thing about her mom and dad. You should tell her that her dad will tell you any thing important enough for you to know.

If you feel that you cannot trust your husband, that is an issue that has nothing to do with the ex or the step situation. That is an issue related to his character.and the strength of your marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Gucci's picture

Then, girl, throw your hands up in the air and leave this f###ing disaster to the people that created it. You’re too good of a person to be talked to that way. Fine, f###er, have fun doing alllllll this shit. 

Sorry, guys.  I’m a little triggered with the Mr. tonight. 

Harry's picture

You have to let him know that dinner with kids and BM alone with him is a deal breaker.  That is your hill to died on.  If he want to drop kids off at BM house alone, That ok with you.  But you will Disengage totally.  Third option is telling BM,, NO ! No dinner alone, no dropping off at her home.  If she can get someone responsible to be with her, she can have the kids for a few hours.  If you start letting BM make the rules, all is lost anyway 

Monkeysee's picture

Every time my DH tries to paint me as the person creating issues when I get upset at things like you did, I put him in his place. I remind him who actually created the issue (him & BM), and point blank tell him I won’t be the scapegoat for his problems just because it’s easier to blame me than it is to deal with BM.

That said, I also very much have the attitude that they are DH’s kids, and at the end of the day it’s his choice how he handles things, even if I don’t agree with them. Even if he thanks you for everything you’re doing, HE needs to be the one parenting his children. I love doing things for my SS’s, and I help DH wherever I can, but he’s in the drivers seat 100% of the time when we have the boys. And he should be.

Your DH needs to follow CPS’s advice, but if he doesn’t that’s on him & he’ll suffer the consequences. If my DH ever went to dinner alone w BM for any reason though, I’d be out the door. Some people are ok with that but I’m certainly not. It’s called respect & boundaries. 

Siemprematahari's picture

^^^^^^^^^^^^^100% Monkeysee!

I don't understand for the life of me why BM has to have dinner with H and the kids? There isnt anything to discuss. She's a toxic mother and right now the kids needs to be supervised while with her which says a lot. What is it your H doesn't get?

It sounds like your H has to be left to deal with this on his own, do not do anything for his kids if he's acting like such an @sshole. You have been there for him from day 1, he needs to respect and be grateful for that.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Fully the BM 's motivation. He may just be mature enough to know that his actions are not determined by her motivations.He can take his kids to a supervised visit in a restaurant setting without  buying into any of his ex's delusional beliefs about her level of control over him.

?

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Exactly, that’s what I told DH. I asked him to have her come over and spend sometime with the kids on the porch and catch up. But she doesn’t want to because she says theirs too much anamosity between us even though I don’t ever speak a word to her. She wants to call the shots even after all she put the kids, me and my husband through and DH is allowing her too. She should be told what to do at this point and what works for us and the kids considering she literally threw the kids out and telling them she never wants to see them again! They were heart broken. They tried contacting her for two weeks and she even had their numbers blocked. She only reached out when our lawyer left her a message about a court hearing for custody we filed through the lawyer. Now she’s back and wants to call the shots and my DH is allowing her too. For what? I do not know 

justmakingthebest's picture

Like others have said he isn't thinking clearly. I would say-- "Fine, lose your kids then. If you don't follow CPS orders, they won't trust you to have the kids either. Foster homes and group homes are super cool DH, I am sure the SKids will love it there becasue you are struggling with being a Freaking Father and do what is best for your kids. 2 thumbs up!! Awesome work". -- then walk away. 

tog redux's picture

Your DH has put himself in the middle. I'm not sure why he feels guilty about setting limits on BM, but he does.  Usually, when fathers do this, it's either fear of losing his kids (can't be that, he has her on the ropes, so to speak, she can't even be alone with them right now), or it's some kind of misplaced guilt about his divorce and BM falling apart or something.

Whatever it is, it's his to deal with. I know my DH really got tired of me trying to direct how he should handle BM and SS, and now that I don't do it anymore, I can see why it annoyed him.  But in your case, he can't have you be their nanny and that's it.

So let him know you will be staying out of things for now, and that includes watching the kids.  But if you do it in anger, he will just apologize (maybe) so you will watch the kids again, but don't go for it.  Just say it's too stressful to manage all of this and you will leave it to him.

But if you can't live with the way he handles his relationship with BM, then your only option is to go. You can't stay forever micromanaging him and watching everything he does.

My DH would rather die than have a dinner alone with BM, and if he had her in the precarious position she's in now with CPS, he'd go for the kill. Yours wants to appease her, for whatever reason.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I don’t know either. It’s been constant drama with his BM. He has always tried catering to her. Been separated on and off due to her bringing drama somehow into our home. Especially when I was pregnant. I have a feeling it’s been a constant battle trying to fight for my place as being his partner and making our marriage a priority. The birth of our daughter changed him a lot but him allowing this to happen over and over again shows a lot. Not sure if they still love each other or he doesn’t have any balls with her. She did tell me in the beginning that him and her have history and that’s sonethung that I’ll never have with him and that I will never be able to get rid of her. That was over two years ago and I see that she’s right. I thought if I proved myself to him as being dedicated and being there for him in anyway I could I would show him that I was worth to be put first. I know it sounds twisted. Truth is I’m exhauted. I’m drained after finding a lawyer for him, filling out the paperwork, cooking, cleaning, laundry, working on our business, taking the kids to and from school and emotionally being there for 4 kids and a grown man that can’t handle stress when it comes to his ex, I’m done. All that to be told to “stay the fu*** out of it and to not tell him what to do with the kids and he’s in the middle of me and his ex”... I just realized it doesn’t matter if I kill my sled doing things to show him. He will never appreciate it or make me priority besides his kids of course. From deleted texts, his daughter telling me he hugged her to comfort her when her and her boyfriend broke up I just realized I lost. Gave up so much including myself for nothing 

tog redux's picture

Yes, there is unfinished business with BM. It's fine to be cordial to an ex, but he is giving her the idea that things are not really over with them, and until he lets her know they are (and then you will have a different kind of hell to deal with), she will keep this up.  There is no middle - you are his wife, and she is the person he co-parents with.  No need for hugs and special favors to her, or any secret texts.

You tried, that's all you can do.

thinkthrice's picture

in the early years thought Chef would come "crawling back to her on hands and knees" so she often suggested weekday "family dinners" after they broke up... meaning Chef, the Gir and the skids.   I told Chef this was a BAD idea but do what you want.  He went to ONE of these "family dinners" and ended up bolting midway through it was so horrible.  It was basically a shitshow of blame Chef for everything in front of the skids.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM just want it to be him and the kids alone for dinner. Not me. She wants to separate us as if we were 2 different family’s. DH doesn’t defend me or try to include me in order to  work with her and he calls it “co parenting”. He ended up dropping the kids off at a restaurant yesterday. Walked the kids inside and spoke to her for a bit and gave them money for dinner. That’s not co parenting... I really feel used at this point 

thinkthrice's picture

done that, burned the t-shirt.  If I were you I'd think about an exit plan because believe me it DOESN'T get any better.   Although the Gir and skids are definitely in Chef's rear view mirror,  the horrible things that transpired over the last 14 years  put a horrible dent in any sort of relationship between Chef and me.  Those wounds do NOT heal.  Chef is still paying the Gir cash prizes coming up on 15 years now.  Lots and lots of $$$ goes out the window at the very least to consider.  Never mind the emotional anxiety and toll it takes on SM.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

that is my only option at this point. I’m lretty sure that when I leave th picture they’ll get together and try to work it out. It feels like their ina relationship already anyways with all the attention and constant drama they’re dealing with together already. 

susanm's picture

He'll get back together with a woman who has had CPS take the kids away?  What a dumbass.  He has custody of them now but he will lose that if CPS finds out that he violates their rules and allows the kids to be with her unsupervised.  Hope he enjoys visiting them in foster care.  You are well rid of that mess.

Siemprematahari's picture

I have a feeling it’s been a constant battle trying to fight for my place as being his partner and making our marriage a priority.

^^^^^^^^^^^I feel for you because you shouldn't feel this way .You shouldn't be fighting and trying to be the best wife you can be in order to show your H that you are worth being placed 1st. You are his wife and he's not acknowledging your position in his life. His lack of boundaries, guilty parenting, & b@lls has placed you all in this position.

You have options and if he wants you out of his kids life, that's what its going to be. You have been sacrificing yourself for a man that continues to put his ex above EVERYTHING. It's up to you to decide how you want to continue living because you are worth so much more and if he doesn't acknowledge that....your marriage is very much in danger.

 

simifan's picture

The day SO told me his was in the middle of me and his ex would be the day we were over. If he doesn't know whether to side with his present wife or his ex-wife you have a serious DH problem. I would have no problem solving the conflict for him. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

That is the problem now . He does not need to choose a side. He needs to choose the best and most effective solution.

This has gone from being a serious problem in need of an effective solution to bring about 2 women both of whom need to feel in control.