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DH went off on me

MomOfTwo1313's picture

 

BM texted DH and that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids alone or he can drop them off at her house alone which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired and that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now. I’m the ones that has been helping out with everything and somehow I became the problem? Everybody wants me to step aside and shut up but yet do everything for these kids. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that she’s trying to isolate me so she can have alone time with him. That’s no go parenting- that’s taking advantage of the situation. I’m so upset 

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

You are not obligated to do anything for his children.

Step aside and allow your husband, BM and CPS sort this all out.  CPS will give both parents the tools they need to parent their children.  If the two of them can't get their acts together, the kids will be placed in foster care.

 

notarelative's picture

DH is not thinking clearly if he thinks not following CPS advice is a good idea. If the advice was not to leave the kids alone with BM, he should comply. Non compliance with this advice can result in the children being placed in foster care. So, drop the kids off dad, and both of you will end up at a visiting center to see your kids. (And you won't be visiting at the same time BM.) DH can just ask my SD who thought the CPS advice was optional too. 

 

notasm3's picture

If your DH has trouble deciding whether to please you or BM he’s a worthless POS. 

Monkeysee's picture

Yep!

thinkthrice's picture

This is a flashback for me to the "early years" where Chef would exclaim and sob "I can't please everyone!"  (meaning the Girhippo the skids and me)  of course he didn't know this at the time but the Gir and the skids WERE on the same team due to 24/7 PASing by the Gir 'n' clan.

Gucci's picture

Then, girl, throw your hands up in the air and leave this f###ing disaster to the people that created it. You’re too good of a person to be talked to that way. Fine, f###er, have fun doing alllllll this shit. 

Sorry, guys.  I’m a little triggered with the Mr. tonight. 

Harry's picture

You have to let him know that dinner with kids and BM alone with him is a deal breaker.  That is your hill to died on.  If he want to drop kids off at BM house alone, That ok with you.  But you will Disengage totally.  Third option is telling BM,, NO ! No dinner alone, no dropping off at her home.  If she can get someone responsible to be with her, she can have the kids for a few hours.  If you start letting BM make the rules, all is lost anyway 

Monkeysee's picture

Every time my DH tries to paint me as the person creating issues when I get upset at things like you did, I put him in his place. I remind him who actually created the issue (him & BM), and point blank tell him I won’t be the scapegoat for his problems just because it’s easier to blame me than it is to deal with BM.

That said, I also very much have the attitude that they are DH’s kids, and at the end of the day it’s his choice how he handles things, even if I don’t agree with them. Even if he thanks you for everything you’re doing, HE needs to be the one parenting his children. I love doing things for my SS’s, and I help DH wherever I can, but he’s in the drivers seat 100% of the time when we have the boys. And he should be.

Your DH needs to follow CPS’s advice, but if he doesn’t that’s on him & he’ll suffer the consequences. If my DH ever went to dinner alone w BM for any reason though, I’d be out the door. Some people are ok with that but I’m certainly not. It’s called respect & boundaries. 

Siemprematahari's picture

^^^^^^^^^^^^^100% Monkeysee!

I don't understand for the life of me why BM has to have dinner with H and the kids? There isnt anything to discuss. She's a toxic mother and right now the kids needs to be supervised while with her which says a lot. What is it your H doesn't get?

It sounds like your H has to be left to deal with this on his own, do not do anything for his kids if he's acting like such an @sshole. You have been there for him from day 1, he needs to respect and be grateful for that.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Exactly, that’s what I told DH. I asked him to have her come over and spend sometime with the kids on the porch and catch up. But she doesn’t want to because she says theirs too much anamosity between us even though I don’t ever speak a word to her. She wants to call the shots even after all she put the kids, me and my husband through and DH is allowing her too. She should be told what to do at this point and what works for us and the kids considering she literally threw the kids out and telling them she never wants to see them again! They were heart broken. They tried contacting her for two weeks and she even had their numbers blocked. She only reached out when our lawyer left her a message about a court hearing for custody we filed through the lawyer. Now she’s back and wants to call the shots and my DH is allowing her too. For what? I do not know 

justmakingthebest's picture

Like others have said he isn't thinking clearly. I would say-- "Fine, lose your kids then. If you don't follow CPS orders, they won't trust you to have the kids either. Foster homes and group homes are super cool DH, I am sure the SKids will love it there becasue you are struggling with being a Freaking Father and do what is best for your kids. 2 thumbs up!! Awesome work". -- then walk away. 

tog redux's picture

Your DH has put himself in the middle. I'm not sure why he feels guilty about setting limits on BM, but he does.  Usually, when fathers do this, it's either fear of losing his kids (can't be that, he has her on the ropes, so to speak, she can't even be alone with them right now), or it's some kind of misplaced guilt about his divorce and BM falling apart or something.

Whatever it is, it's his to deal with. I know my DH really got tired of me trying to direct how he should handle BM and SS, and now that I don't do it anymore, I can see why it annoyed him.  But in your case, he can't have you be their nanny and that's it.

So let him know you will be staying out of things for now, and that includes watching the kids.  But if you do it in anger, he will just apologize (maybe) so you will watch the kids again, but don't go for it.  Just say it's too stressful to manage all of this and you will leave it to him.

But if you can't live with the way he handles his relationship with BM, then your only option is to go. You can't stay forever micromanaging him and watching everything he does.

My DH would rather die than have a dinner alone with BM, and if he had her in the precarious position she's in now with CPS, he'd go for the kill. Yours wants to appease her, for whatever reason.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I don’t know either. It’s been constant drama with his BM. He has always tried catering to her. Been separated on and off due to her bringing drama somehow into our home. Especially when I was pregnant. I have a feeling it’s been a constant battle trying to fight for my place as being his partner and making our marriage a priority. The birth of our daughter changed him a lot but him allowing this to happen over and over again shows a lot. Not sure if they still love each other or he doesn’t have any balls with her. She did tell me in the beginning that him and her have history and that’s sonethung that I’ll never have with him and that I will never be able to get rid of her. That was over two years ago and I see that she’s right. I thought if I proved myself to him as being dedicated and being there for him in anyway I could I would show him that I was worth to be put first. I know it sounds twisted. Truth is I’m exhauted. I’m drained after finding a lawyer for him, filling out the paperwork, cooking, cleaning, laundry, working on our business, taking the kids to and from school and emotionally being there for 4 kids and a grown man that can’t handle stress when it comes to his ex, I’m done. All that to be told to “stay the fu*** out of it and to not tell him what to do with the kids and he’s in the middle of me and his ex”... I just realized it doesn’t matter if I kill my sled doing things to show him. He will never appreciate it or make me priority besides his kids of course. From deleted texts, his daughter telling me he hugged her to comfort her when her and her boyfriend broke up I just realized I lost. Gave up so much including myself for nothing 

tog redux's picture

Yes, there is unfinished business with BM. It's fine to be cordial to an ex, but he is giving her the idea that things are not really over with them, and until he lets her know they are (and then you will have a different kind of hell to deal with), she will keep this up.  There is no middle - you are his wife, and she is the person he co-parents with.  No need for hugs and special favors to her, or any secret texts.

You tried, that's all you can do.

thinkthrice's picture

in the early years thought Chef would come "crawling back to her on hands and knees" so she often suggested weekday "family dinners" after they broke up... meaning Chef, the Gir and the skids.   I told Chef this was a BAD idea but do what you want.  He went to ONE of these "family dinners" and ended up bolting midway through it was so horrible.  It was basically a shitshow of blame Chef for everything in front of the skids.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM just want it to be him and the kids alone for dinner. Not me. She wants to separate us as if we were 2 different family’s. DH doesn’t defend me or try to include me in order to  work with her and he calls it “co parenting”. He ended up dropping the kids off at a restaurant yesterday. Walked the kids inside and spoke to her for a bit and gave them money for dinner. That’s not co parenting... I really feel used at this point 

thinkthrice's picture

done that, burned the t-shirt.  If I were you I'd think about an exit plan because believe me it DOESN'T get any better.   Although the Gir and skids are definitely in Chef's rear view mirror,  the horrible things that transpired over the last 14 years  put a horrible dent in any sort of relationship between Chef and me.  Those wounds do NOT heal.  Chef is still paying the Gir cash prizes coming up on 15 years now.  Lots and lots of $$$ goes out the window at the very least to consider.  Never mind the emotional anxiety and toll it takes on SM.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

that is my only option at this point. I’m lretty sure that when I leave th picture they’ll get together and try to work it out. It feels like their ina relationship already anyways with all the attention and constant drama they’re dealing with together already. 

susanm's picture

He'll get back together with a woman who has had CPS take the kids away?  What a dumbass.  He has custody of them now but he will lose that if CPS finds out that he violates their rules and allows the kids to be with her unsupervised.  Hope he enjoys visiting them in foster care.  You are well rid of that mess.

Siemprematahari's picture

I have a feeling it’s been a constant battle trying to fight for my place as being his partner and making our marriage a priority.

^^^^^^^^^^^I feel for you because you shouldn't feel this way .You shouldn't be fighting and trying to be the best wife you can be in order to show your H that you are worth being placed 1st. You are his wife and he's not acknowledging your position in his life. His lack of boundaries, guilty parenting, & b@lls has placed you all in this position.

You have options and if he wants you out of his kids life, that's what its going to be. You have been sacrificing yourself for a man that continues to put his ex above EVERYTHING. It's up to you to decide how you want to continue living because you are worth so much more and if he doesn't acknowledge that....your marriage is very much in danger.

 

simifan's picture

The day SO told me his was in the middle of me and his ex would be the day we were over. If he doesn't know whether to side with his present wife or his ex-wife you have a serious DH problem. I would have no problem solving the conflict for him.