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second fiddle to dh kids

mommyrose's picture

seems like my dh feels guilty about just being with his bio kids 50/50 with mom. he never wants to miss any of their activities/games even if there is an equally important or more important event to go to he will pick his own kids. how do i deal with this? we rsvp'd to a baptism for tomorrow and it so happens that his 12 yr old has a game at the same he cancels on the baptism! maybe wise counsel only please. thanks!


mommyrose's picture

you are right.what's important for me might not be that important for him...and vise versa.
the ss12 has a habit of hanging up the phone on his dad when dh calls if he imagines that his dad does not love him enough or not doing enough for him. it's his way or the hi-way most of the time. he tantrums like a 2 year old and punches/kicks holes in the walls(at his mom's house).
dh admits that he feels guilty that he cannot be there with his kids 100%.he left his exwife 5 yrs ago.i wasnt in the picture until 2 years ago.
tomorrow i plan on attending the baptism and having a wonderful time while loving my husband and respecting his choice to be at the game. no big deal. love allows peace to happen. we need to remember that our husbands are not our enemies. thank you.

cant win for losin's picture


games happen every week, some times multiple games in a week.

This type of thing is a sticking point for me every damn baseball season. Almost 20 games and you wanna bitch cause you have to miss a couple for some other "commitments"?

Oh, trust me, I GET IT. You would prefer to go to the game. If given your own choice you would rather see the kid play their sport, see them, etc...but there are things that i would PREFER to do instead at times also.

Riamama23's picture

Blue Bell is right on Dads do like being a part of sports. Anything having to do with sports overrides prior agendas!!!! Plus, it's the easy way, comfy clothes,no formalities,only lasts an hour or two.Men are do damn annoying!Is bm gonna be there if so then you can use the "well someone WILL be there watching them play" card.You can also fake a lil' sobbing and tell him how embarrassing it is to have a hubby who isn't present. IDK I've been there done that situation and arguing just makes another headache. *Prayers and hugs * and either way just have a great time

mommyrose's picture

thanks ria mama. i will not argue but spend a couple hours with my bestfriend and her family and then have a great time with dh after the game :_)

mommyrose's picture

thank you sueu2 for calling me selfish without first knowing all the facts...
thank you for complimenting my dh for being a great dad. he is a wonderful man, husband and father.
the rsvp was before the game season even started and yes i am godmother and he is proxy godfather for a friend who is out of the country.
it is the boy's weekend with their mom. she will be there (at the game) too.
correction: i am not in this site to complain about my stepkids.they are wonderful children and i love them alot.
seems like you have some bad experiences with your kid's stepmom as you seem ready to pounce on me like i was her.sorry.

Poodle's picture

I agree with sueu2. My sons (9 + 14) are in a large number of clubs which put on various types of show -- music, dance, theatre, sport. I can honestly count on one hand the number of shows that both parents have missed in their lives. Depending on the age, not having a parent there can be devastating. Anyway I like going and bursting with pride. I would only prioritise a baptism over a child's show if it was close family. If it was close family my sons would be taken out of the club to attend the baptism anyway. Or, as said above, DH and I would ensure one of us rocked up at the baptism, the other at the show.

Riamama23's picture

I have 3 bio kids and my hubby passed in 05,extracurricular activities take up a lot of our time,and sometimes they are during other family events (baptism as an example)I have made arrangements for my children to go to games with their grandparents or a friend on the team.I would meet up with that babe afterward.My parents(never divorced) did the same to me.I never took it as them not caring about me lol Children make the choice to be part of a team it shows them responsibility and to know that they themselves will miss out on certain events due to it. I personally would be hurt by dh's decline.

cant win for losin's picture

I read through some of the comments and I have to say for myself I don't feel it is a DIRE situation to be in attendance at ALL games that the children are involved in.

Yes support the kids, cheer them on, i am all for that, but there is a life outside of them. outside of their activities. I have a cousin and I find it sad that she rarely ever makes any family functions because they HAVE to attend every game of ALL their kids. It has become so bad that her closer family members, (sibs parents, etc) wonder if she will ever make once in a lifetime, sentimental, important functions, weddings, baptisims, etc...
My point is that i feel there is nothing wrong with missing a few games out of a season. or I should say a reasonable percentage for those who have small seasons.

Last-Wife's picture

Hell, my husband and I HATE going to our kids sporting events! Those are the one thing we are willing to let go of and invite the bio-mom to! LOL We'd give anything for a decent excuse of a baptism to miss a ballgame.

?But you know what, we're there at least 95% of the time anyway. Unless it's a big game for play offs or the first game of the season, it's not a big deal to miss it...

mommyrose's picture

i like what you said. thank you for the input. the ss12 is becoming very aware that life seems to revolve around him that he now knows how to manipulate the situation...i will not get involved as i am a step-mom but will lovingly give my opinion if asked. tomorrow i will take advantage that i am alone with my bio kids and will enjoy our mini-family time!!! it will be good. my kids will be happy!!!yeah!!!

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Im sorry that some posters took the time to get on their soap boxed and not read fully before offer their non constuctive advice. I personally think it wrong of your DH to now rescind his obligation at the baptism tommarow. If it were my child being baptised & someone who backed out like this- well, Im not so sure Id be happy about it. My exh &I try to attend out DD8's activities; however there have been times where one of us needed to be elsewhere. Our DD would NEVER throw a hissy fit over something like that. Period.

I think you have a great attitude about it tho. Enjoy your time at the Baptism! Smile

mommyrose's picture

newwife3 i agree with you 100%. i was a single mom before i married my husband and my 3 bio kids learned early on that there was just one of me and 3 of them hence i had to prioritize each activity plus put my job above all else to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. they are now very stable 18, 13, and 11 yr olds. they understand when i say i could not be somewhere because of another event. i talk to them, encourage them, praise them and let them know that i love them but i never babied them and never promised them something i could not deliver or do...that's why now they do not act like babies...
unfortunately my dh and his ex baby the kids too much and shelter them as if they were superman or superwoman to the point of unnecessarily causing stress and anxiety over the slightest schedule conflict. i will not get involved because i was singlle for so long and could be away from the dh if he had to be with his kids...also hopefully before it is too late he will realize that the ss12 is becoming a monster of their own doing. when he doesnt get his way he hangs up on his parents or hurts his younger brothers or destroys things.