boy, that's a pretty accurate comparison! when my SD17 used to stay with us, she'd leave hair and toothpaste in the sink, not make her bed, stay up until the wee hours, wake up at noon, etc etc. I finally got sick of being her maid, so I told my husband he'd have to tell her about it, especially since my BD7 cleans the sink and makes her own bed! this isn't a hotel, honey!

I feel taken advantage of.

Currenlty I just have to deal with an adult ( and I use that term loosely) SD.

I met SD when she was around 9 YO and I really enjoyed getting to know her and we had some great times together. However, guilt parenting by both bio parents and PAS by BM turned this kid into a spoiled manipulative lying drama queen. Her teen years were terrible and it wasn't all her fault - she wasn't held accountable and our lives were run by her moods. She's 27 now and from what I can tell - not much has changed. I disengaged about 5 years ago and it was the best thing that I could've done.

If I had to do it all over - I honestly don't know that I would. I do have some good times to look back around but the bad years outnumber the good and SD continues to be supported by my DH.

Today, I feel relieved that I have disengaged and sad about SD's life has turned out.

I am a first time SM to ss9. It feels strange to even say that because I'm not married to SO, but I don't know how else to define my relationship with his son. SO became a part of SS's life when he was 2 years old, and at the time, I was 20 and SO was 35. SO had no clue about taking care of babies, and since I already had experience (nieces, cousins, 2 little brothers who were 8 and 1 at the time), I taught him and helped him out with all of the diaper changes and feedings and everything else. At the time, I wasn't living with SO so I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. It didn't really bother me to help him. However, as time went by, and ss grew, little things began to bother me. I resented that whether I liked it or not, my weekend plans with SO revolved around his son. I still resent it. It's not that I don't love ss, it's what you said: when he is here, it's like having a guest in the house and accommodating that guest becomes priority, whether you like it or not. Also, most of my weekends in my 20's have been spent "babysitting", and not doing the normal things people in their 20's are supposed to do (clubs, travelling, etc). I resent this more because ss is not my son.
I used to feel guilty for how it felt, and felt ashamed of myself for a long time. I felt that if my SO knew the truth about how I felt, he would be disgusted and disappointed. This, of course, affected my relationship with SO. I would get pissed when the weekends were coming up and would stay at my mother's house, or hang out with friends, which caused a lot of friction.
One day, SO and I were having a conversation, and he said he was happy that I loved ss like my own (this was about 2,3 years ago). After staying quiet for a minute or so, I confessed to him that I didn't love ss like my own. That while I did love him, I couldn't love him like my own, because I didn't know what it felt like to have my own. If ss didn't have a mother figure, maybe I would love him like my own, but as it stood, ss was a product of someone else's parenting, and I wasn't the central force in his life, so he wasn't mine. SO was shocked that I told him all of this, and was a little hurt and angry. I explained to him that there was no possible way he should expect me to love ss like my own because I personally feel that the day I get pregnant, and know that I created someone with my SO, and I carry that life in my body for 9 months, and give birth to it, then I will know what loving someone like a son or daughter is. Until then, he shouldn't take it like I don't love his son, because I did (and still do), but it could never be like my own.
I think that what makes stepparenting so difficult are unrealistic expectations such as this one, and many others. I feel sometimes that I am not supposed to want to have a free weekend with just SO and I, and the whole guilt parenting plays a part in how we interact with ss.
As for the BM, I got lucky and have no complaints about her. She is a WONDERFUL mother to ss and she doesn't cause drama in my relationship. Sure, she does stupid things, for example, if SO doesn't pick his son up for a weekend (which he rarely does), she will passive aggressively tell him the next weekend that she has plans with ss (I guess to punish SO), so then SO goes 2 weeks without seeing ss and gets depressed. But overall, like I said, these instances are far and few in between. I find myself most times being jealous of BM, and try not to think about my SO having sex with her (which I have to try extra hard at when ss comes over). I also hate the fact that BM has the power over my SO to really affect him, or to upset him, and only because she has his kid.
I don't expect my ss to love me like his mother, but I expect him to respect me as I respect him. My SO backs me up on this. I would have to say that most of the issues I have as a stepparent stem from my own insecurities, and from having to feel obligated to do the 'right' thing and prioritize a child who I did not help to create. Other than that, I would say that I really don't have illusions or expectations of happiness as a stepmother, I just take each day as it comes, and try to enjoy my ss as a unique being. Even though he gets on my nerves (a lot), he could be worse (think: Droopy or Pantera's boy), and he is overall a good boy, and loves me. I am afraid of the future sometimes and how it will all turn out, because even though I say all of these things, when I think of not having him around, it really depresses me also. He is getting to the age where he only comes over because he has no choice, but I feel that as soon as he is of age, the visits will stop. It's probably the strangest relationship with anyone I will ever have.

I assume that it feels a lot like getting pulled for jury duty.......every time!

It feels like a dirty nasty virus that has attacked every aspect of my life. I want to wash it off!

I'm with Crayon and StepKate....taken advantage of. By all parties involved. That sums it up very nicely.

If SD was a guest I'd have asked her to leave a long time ago. Guests have the common courtesty to treat their host with common courtesy and respect.

I dont like ss15 but ss17 is easier to deal with because he's not there as often. If i had my choice they would never invade my house because then i'm left to clean up the mess. i would rather they stay with bm every day and we would come up and take them to eat or something. as little interaction as i have to have with them the happier I am. I'm not ashamed to say it. they're not mine and i dont' want them to be.

I hope that my skids don't turn on my in 15 years or so lol.. I'm sorry that you ladies have so many difficulties with your skids.. As for me, I love BFs kids (he says I am the stepmom) which is fine. I cannot have kids of my own. I adore children, maybe I'm cookoo lol.. But as long as I've known skids, they have never disprespected me, never talked back, never tried to break me and BF up, never damaged anything in my home.. Yikes.. I give you ladies a big bow! You have dealt with a lot and stick to it! Good for you My skids are actually very well behaved... Is that odd? Lol. I adore them and love them very much! I think the reason I first felt this way,
1. They are my BFs kids... They are his whole world, and that makes me love them!
2. They are amazing kids!
3. I was a step child at one time, and treated terribly.. I hated my step mom and step dad, and vowed I would never do that!
I guess I am lucky, and please don't think I'm gloating! Just pray with me that it continues and I hope things work out for the rest of you.. Your strong women!

Well i have been a step mom for about 3 years to 4 kids. ss16,ss15,ss13and sd9 and my bs-15 on top of my new edition bd9mos.My mom told me these kids are innocent bistanders who didnt ask to be put in the position that they are in so remember how you would feel. :O iam fortunate to have really good skids. They arent perfect but then neither am I. Iam closer to my ss13 and sd9. The two older ones are fine but I relate better to the two younger ones. Iam luck that my husband has made it a practice from day 1 to include me in any decision making and we always show a united front.They live with us full time and I cant complain on top of having my bs-15 majority of the time and the new edition full time. Its work, alot of work. Because on top of it all you have to deal with your ex's on both side one is soo clueless(bm) and my sperm donor.I enjoy having them home. The oldest is having a hard time adjusting to the fact he isnt a child anymore, he still wants to play guitar hero, do myspace. Iam constantly on him to find a summer job.That is about the only time having my ss16 around.I hate lazy people both my husband and myself are not like that.

Mommylove:
Your description was very interesting! I can relate to a lot of it. However, I have a twist. I have one SS who is closely bonded w/ his crazy BM. He is her favorite child; he's the main target of her PAS. Everything about him pretty much fits in with what you describe, and maybe even worse. We pay and pay, for the pleasure of him coming into our home and being weird, rude and leaving pooped-in underwear hidden everywhere.

But then there is his younger brother. He's an outsider in BM's home, b/c his social skills are normal; he sees her for the fraud she is; and he loves his dad no matter what crap BM tries to pull. Obviously, he fits in our home much better. We struggle to keep things equal. It is a real challenge when both DH and I feel a great connection w/ Younger and struggle greatly with Older.

I only have one birth child of my own, so I have no idea if parents always have to deal this issue. I guess they might, since all kids are different? Anyway, thanks for your post!

I wish i was fortunate enough to get along with my 2 ss. I tried at first, but never felt their approval. DH is very supportive of trying to include me in on all decisions and it doesn't seem to matter. When we go out to eat they thank dh even when they saw my checkbook come out. I've tried to think where they're coming from adn how they aren't always treated the best at bms house - but then i get so pissed with the lazyness that i forget all about their feelings - waht about mine?!?!

Sometimes it feels like my head is going to literally explode.

More often I feel I am very fortunate to share my life with a man who is such a wonderful father and husband and his three sweet, smart, fun, loving and for the most part, happy kids.

I love my BF & his kids, but I have to say that this experience leaves me feeling very unappreciated and kind of... I don't know... like a bad person... (some days I just want to hide on a deserted island... DOES that make me a bad person?)

i feel like i cant put up with being a stepparent and ive barely started! i dont lyke the fact of having a child that's not mine coming over so i have to always be nice and go out of my way, She's not my daughter she's my H and BM daughter...i feel lyke ill always be the other woman, my SD is only 3yo and ive only met her once and right after that my H had a DNA test done cuz he never had one done for her and she come out his! well i think...the judge that stepped in and said that they got his SS and SD(which was said wasnt his) DNA test mixed up (i think something went wrong) cuz My H is mexican and his BM is white with blkish hair "their child" Has bright red hair and baby blue eyes and white ass skin and looks nothing lyke him!! IDK Now im just trying to accept being a SP to this little girl he barely knows cuz he barely sees her cuz of the army and i barely know! And my first experince with SD was not fun at alll cuz she didnt wont to get to know me at all...and i think its mainly b/c she doesnt see him alot so she was just stuck on him the whole time making it even more diffcult for me and i felt out of place!! And ill be honest i really didnt think she was his child! but he is getting another test just to be sure nothing got confused. cuz when the 2nd DNA test was done for her again is came up neg. and he called and asked BM "did you know she was mine or not?" and she told him "i dont know?" and then when i see his SD and BM for me it will be lyke a constant reminder of how he was with her and having sex with her and had a baby with her! and what really sucks is the one time he didnt use a condom with her was the one time he got her pregnant! and then he tells me he never loved her and she was known for being a hoe but he never listened to anyone until it was basicly to late cuz now he has a child with her for the rest of his life that i have to deal with! and he hates his BM but yet he was having sex with her to have a child with her right?!! but she didnt believe in abortions so he has to deal with it the rest of his life right?! having a child with a woman he never wanted too! its rediculous...this is all i think about from day to day and other things too

but it really sucks b/c this is how i feel and i feel bad for feeling this way and i cant help my self. the more i try not to think about it the more i do! and it makes me so aggervated and depressed! then i feel lyke i dont want to talk to H or be around him, i dont know what to do with myself i think its going to drive me crazy! :jawdrop:

I have only been SM (legally) for 5 months, but have been in skids lives for over 10 years as their dad's GF/finacee. I wish we could get along better (and sadly enough, if BM weren't around...we probably could). I wish I could look forward to seeing them at the end of the day, like I do for my own BD. I wish I could get really excited when they use good manners or behave respectfully, but that behavior isn't in them. I wish I could cuddle with DH and talk about the future of our children (and whatever future grandchildren God blesses us with) without mentally praying that their "grown up lives" don't involve living at home. I wish I could genuinely be happy when I see the skids come home after being away for a day/week/whatever, instead wishing they weren't home yet. I wish I could do things for the skids without that feeling of resentment. I wish I weren't so cautious and scared every time SD acts like she likes me (is it finally true...this time?) I wish SD wouldn't blame everything "perceived" wrong in her life on me. I wish my skids knew how to tell the truth....ever. I wish DH would learn how to stand up to skids and BM and gain some respect back. I wish that I didn't feel like a spoiled, ungrateful brat myself for wishing for all of this....