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This past weekend...

mommylove's picture

was good and bad.

Good in that we spent a lot of time away from the house - more than usual - and I realized that the weekends that we have SD are more tolerable to me the less time we spend at home because the feelings of "space invasion" and feeling like a guest in my own home don't exist outside the home. Of course that means I'm chauffering us everywhere, because of course the little sporty luxury car that H treated himself to on the day before Mother's Day is apparently not a "family" vehicle because it cannot accommodate us all when we have SD, but I digress...

It was also good in that I got to spend some time when my family and friends when H is not as comfortable as I am for a change. (Not that I WANT him to be uncomfortble, but maybe, just maybe he will catch a glimpse of how it feels for me in my own home?!) This also included me being able to "relax" with a cocktail for the first time in almost 2 years since I found out I was pregnant with BS1! Finally, it was also good for the kids, including SD because they all got to be around other children their age and play OUTSIDE for a change, rather than spending all day indoors on the computer or watching TV - which I think should happen more often even when we ARE at home!

Okay, so now the bad. As is usually the case when SD is there, H got a bug up his butt about something. Sad thing is, it didn't help that it was at that exact moment that I first came face-to-face with some additional issues that I hadn't even realized I had about SD, and that is her relationship with H. So we're at the grocery store & H gets one his attitudes & starts giving me the silent treatment, then he grabs our BS1 out of the front of cart I was pushing, and walks off leaving me with my BS6, and SD11 follows him and when she catches up she loops her arm through his as they are walking along, together, with our BS1. Now SD11 is the same height as I am already, so I looked at that and thought "oh, what a lovely family" (sarcasm), and then like a flood all of the feelings I've had in the past when I saw SD11 sit on H's lap or sit in my spot on the couch and lean over and lay on H (all recently) or when she grabs our BS1 out of H's arms (she won't do this to me) or H hands our BS1 to her or asks to do something for BS1 that I think a parent should do (like feed the baby) - all of this just makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable! Why even this weekend we were eating out on Friday night and had an awkward moment because H & I were both alternating feeding BS1 and then all of a sudden H tells SD11 to come and feed BS1 and she got up, but I just kept on feeding BS1 myself and didn't say anything, and then he said "well, I guess not" and SD11 sat back down and then I said "that's okay, I'll feed him." I mean, H KNEW long before we even had BS1 how I felt about children taking care of my children because I've never left BS6 in the care of someone who was not an adult his entire life except ONE TIME with SS17 when BS6 was 4yo to go out to dinner with H, and even then we made sure BS6 was fed, bathed and asleep before we left so that all SS17 had to do was make sure the house didn't burn down! SD11 asked me flat out a couple months ago when I would consider letting her babysit BS1 and I said "when you're an adult." I have also made these feelings verbally known to H long before we had BS1, so he knows how I feel about that! Of course this is why I've cringed the few times H took BS1 out alone with just him & SD because I've seen him in action and I know he will just let SD11 walk around with BS1 like he's HER baby or something, even though SD11's maturity and responsibility level is actually below average for someone her age in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like the list of reasons why things may not work out between H & I just keeps getting longer and I really don't know what to do about it. I guess we will see when we start seeing the marriage counselor next week...


mommylove's picture

I can see how'd you'd view my feelings as "overboard". Without knowing more about me or my situation it might be very hard to understand, but it is what it is. This is not a "new" concept regarding me not choosing to entrust the caregiving of my child to another immature irresponsible child - I did the same with my BS6 too. My H & everyone else who knows me knows this to be the case, & this has nothing to do with "sharing", as I would leave my children in the care of a responsible adult that I trust, & all siblings including SD can "play" with the baby, he just doesn't need an 11yo "parent" as he has 2 adult ones that should be able to handle the job just fine thank you very much.

Finally, already thought about what would happen if H & I split as it is unfortunately a very real possibility at this juncture. In that case all I can do is trust H to be the parent & not pass off his responsibilities to a child but if he does then so be it - at least it wouldn't be in my face & what I don't see won't hurt me. I would just recommend that if something happens to BS in SD's care, that H lie & say BS was in his care only.

starfish's picture

i don't like my sd either and would feel the same way you do, fortunately she doesn't hang on dh like yours does except when beinf forced to by mil..... i don't have any bios, but i have thought about what i would do about skids and new baby ~~ pretty much decided the less contact with them the better..... i wouldn't want their nasty germy hands on baby starfish or their bm lifestyle influence on my child as it develops.... probably not a healthy way to view things and i don't know what i would actually do given the opportunity, but i do sympathize with how you're feeling!

mommylove's picture

I just want to clarify. I really don't "dislike" my SD. She is the product of selfish, guilty parenting with no discipline or boundaries and I just have a problem with treating a child like my equal so I would just rather spend as little time around her as possible.

I feel bad for her really. As far as I can see SD is headed in the same "successful" (sarcasm) direction as SS & she'll only have her parents to blame. I just don't want to be forced to stand by & watch this train wreck.

SusiQ's picture

DH & I were working on gathering info for our will and started discussing who would receive custody for DS if something should ever happen to us. I of course said my parents and then my brother & his wife. DH's siblings and parents are not a part of DS life due to their choices. 2 of his sisters have seen him once, the other one never, his mother - never and his dad maybe once a month. DH is ok with my folks & my brother but brought up my SS who was 21 at the time. I think all the color drained from my face and I must have gotten the strangest look because DH immediately got defensive about it. I was like - are you kidding me? Entrust the care of DS to someone who can barely stand me, who you have pretty much zero relationship with unless it includes money and someone who can barely take care of himself??
It's hard enough for me to leave DS with our sitter who absolutley adores him and he loves her right back.

I don't think you are overboard at all. You would never leave your child with an 11 yrold babysitter.