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Do you feel like the “Parent”?

mommylove's picture

Have you ever been mistaken by someone as your SK’s BP? How did that make you feel?

I know there are a variety of situations here; some where this “mistake” would be an accurate the reflection of the SP-SK relationship, while others might cringe in horror at the mere thought!

My SKs aren’t “bad” kids, nor unattractive ones. I would NOT be "embarrassed" if someone mistook them for my own BKs, but at the same time I do NOT like it when people mistake me to be my SKs’ BM, mainly because that means people assume I have children that old!

Call it shallow if you want, but for me to be SS19’s mom I would’ve had to have a baby at 17yo, and frankly one of my accomplishments I’m most proud of is that I was able to escape the vicious cycle of teenage pregnancy and shotgun weddings that seems rampant in my family and rather achieve most of my educational and career goals BEFORE I had my first child at the age of 30. So for me, if FEELS like my accomplishments that I am so proud of are diminished when people lump me into the pile of teen moms that I worked so hard to avoid!


Chavez's picture

No, that's really not shallow. Seems along the same lines of how much I love it when I get carded buying beer (I know it's their job to match my debit card name but still LOL). It also seems the same as how much I cringe when asked if my 3 year old niece is my GRANDDAUGHTER. Um... NO!!! So no, it's not shallow. Smile

StepMadre's picture

I don't think that's shallow at all. I feel mixed when people mistake the boys as my bio-kids, which happens almost every day. They don't look anything like me (or H for that matter) and they're not attractive kids, but that doesn't really matter to me at all. For the first year of our marriage, when people assumed I was their BM, the skids jumped in and announced that I was their step-mom not their "real mom," but now their relationship with her has deteriorated so badly and they are so much more emotionally close with me that they don't say anything now and I usually let it slide. The skids actually like it when people think I'm their BM and if pressed they usually say that I am "one of their moms."

When they are acting out in public, I am embarrassed and happy they aren't "mine" but when they have been with us for a while and are acting great, I am proud of their manners and how far they've come and it doesn't bother me to have people think I had anything to do with how they behave (because I have worked my ass off to help them grow into nice, polite young men). Basically, I take the cue from the boys because I don't want to hurt their feelings and reject them, but at the same time I never want to be pushy and try to claim that I am something i'm not. MY bio-kids or adopted kids would never act the way they do because they would be raised from babyhood by me and H and we wouldn't have to constantly counteract the negative and destructive influence of my skids BM. I am extremely proud of my nephew and how sweet, loving, smart and friendly he is and I love telling people who think i'm his mom that I'm his auntie. I've been in his life since before he was born and his mom raises him exactly the way I will raise my own kids, so he has turned out amazingly and it's all because of the love, structure and good parenting he has had from day one. He fits right into my family because my mom raised us that way and I know that my own kids will be the same.

I am content with the status quo now though. I know I am my skids step-parent and I absolutely do not and never have wanted to be their BM. I am a parent, but not full time and they're not my real kids so it's different. H and I have accepted that there isn't anything we can do about BMs horrible parenting and the negative effects she has on the skids, but we just do the best we can and try to parent the right way and counteract her negativity. It's hard, but to a certain extent I am detached because although I have a hugely important role in their lives, they are not genetically mine, I have not raised them from birth the way I think they should be raised and their genetic problems and behavior issues are not my fault or responsibility. They inherited a lot of BMs bad genetic traits, like low I.Q. bucked teeth, round chubby-looking faces and boggly eyes, but there's not a thing I can do about that except feel grateful that my body did not produce such unattractive children and I can only influence how they take care of themselves and who they are as people.

So yeah, I feel mixed about it and I bet a lot of step-parents feel the same way too. I read a message from BM to my SS12 on his phone and it was completely hilarious. It was totally filled with spelling mistakes and was completely delusional. She told the kids how they are "the greatest kids in the world" and that they are "better than everyone else" and she went on to tell SS12 that he is a genius and that he and SS6 are the most handsome boys in the world!!! I almost choked from laughing so hard. She is sooooo delusional and it's hard to believe that anyone could have such a huge blind spot. She has been told by countless professionals that her kids have severe mental and behavioral issues and I don't know how on Earth she could possibly ignore all that and look at her gangly, buck toothed kids and think they are attractive???!! I guess it's the delusional blind spot that bio-parents have for their own kids. She is not exactly Heidi Klum herself, so maybe she thinks her own fat face, crooked teeth, frizzy/greasy hair and bulging eyes are the height of attractiveness and is proud to have passed on her "great looks." Blech. Anyway, I do my part as an SM and do what I can for my skids, but I am not their BM (thank God!!) and pretty much don't care what random people think. As long as my skids are happy and don't get hurt feelings, people can assume away and think whatever they want...

zenjetset's picture

It's been assumed that I'm my sd11&6 "mother" and I usually just roll with it. It's not a big deal to me. My SDs usually look at me to see what I'm going to say or do, but when they see I don't really react, they don't either. They asked once why didn't I tell that lady that I wasn't their mother and I said cause it's non of her business. I said strangers don't need to know all the details of our lives. That was the end of that conversation. Now when it happens and it happens alot they don't even look or ask or comment.

Synaesthete's picture

FH has 5 kids, and the youngest two have been mistaken for mine a couple of times. I guess I can see it - FSS18 months is not only a baby but he has blonde hair/blue eyes like me (FH has dark hair and blue eyes, which ALL the other kids besides FSS18 months have) and FSD3.5 looks JUST like FH, except with BM's straight hair instead of DH's wavy/curlier hair type. There was one day at a waterpark I was playing with her and lost track of her for a minute, and a teenage girl said, "Your daughter's right there." It wasn't a big deal or anyone I knew so I didn't say anything besides, "Thanks."

FSS6.5 -could- be mistaken for mine, I suppose - he's smallish for his age and it would put me at 15 when I would have had to have had him. No one's ever done that, though - at least, no one's said anything to me.

I think it's pretty obvious FSD9 and FSS11 aren't mine. -giggle- I would have had to be 10 and 12, and while I can pull off 25-26 with the right hair, make up and outfit, usually I look closer to my actual age of 21.

Both girls look just like FH, the boys look a lot more like BM and her side of the family minus a few odd things that clearly come from FH (like FSS6.5's dimples - so cute!) but they're all very cute kids.

mcnat's picture

That happens to me all the time. With my SS8 it's not so bad, but when people think my SD13 is mine (which would have made me a mom at 14 myself) they give me nasty looks. It doesn't bother me too much. One time at walmart this lady was looking at my daughter and me like she couldn't believe that we were mother daughter (a really nasty look on her face) so i told my SD to watch my "grandchild" (who is actually my child) the woman turned beat red and hurried away and my SD and I laughed like a bunch of morons.

Persephone's picture

As recently as June. DH & I attend all school functions, awards nights, etc... At SD's graduation I had to introduce BM to a long time teacher and mentor of SD's who always thought I was the mother. I laughed it off and tried to make the teacher feel comfortable... and BM. One might think it was gratifying-- I won't lie, in some way it was... But it was clearly uncomfortable. Certainly very telling: the teacher raised her eyebrow as if to say, really?