Im selfish and could use some advice on changing
Hey there, im new to this but need some advice... My husband has a 5 year old daughter who is with us every other weekend. I am 6 months pregnant with my first child. Since weve been together, there have always been issues between SD5 and myself bc its like we r fighting for daddys attention. Im a very spoiled girl, always have been for 26 years. Recently things have gotten worse between SD5 and i which causes fights between hubby and i. Since shes only with us 4 days a month, i decided to give them their time and just back off and do my own thing on those weekends. Anyway, my situation... She lives two hours away and is starting her first day of school monday. We went for meet the teacher and now he told me hes going to drive there monday for her first day of school... Im mad bc we dont need to spend gas money and he doesnt need to take off a whole morning of work... He wont even take off 30 minutes early to go to a doctor appt with me for his baby but he will take multiple days off and spend $150 in gas for her!!?? I know i sound selfish bc i am. I want to change and make us a family but i dont have any idea how or where to start... Any advice would be great!!
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Trust me, I really do see why
Trust me, I really do see why you're angry, and I would have felt the same way in your shoes. BUT, now that I have BS2 I can see things from a different perspective. As a parent, sending BS2 to his first day of school is (what I think is) going to be one of the biggest milestones in my and his life. I would be terribly hurt/disappointed if I had to miss that for some reason. So I can see why your DH would want to be there for SDs first day. Now if it was her first day of 2nd grade or 7th grade or something like that, I would say come on, really? But the first day of K-garten? Big ass deal in my book.
As far as him going with you to your Dr's appts? Yeah, DH went to ONE with me (my amnio) and honestly that was the only one I asked him to go to. I just don't think that men have that connection with unborn baby like we do. I bet once your baby is born that your DH will jump through hoops if baby needs to go to Dr., first day of school etc.
Again, I am not trying to bash your feelings, I promise you I would have bitched about everything you did, being in your shoes, but being a little beyond your shoes in the timeline of things, I can see your sitch in a different light.
I can concur about men not
I can concur about men not having a connection with their unborn baby. Mine is going to be delivered next week and he has also been to only one of my appointments, when we found out the sex. This will be our first child together. We had quite a few arguments this summer because he was dragging his feet when it came to shopping for the baby and setting up the nursery. I didn't see the same enthusiasm as I did when he was school shopping with skids and that pissed me off. I was raised an only child and not the best with sharing either, so I understand where you're coming from.
I have been told that men are different once the baby is born. I hope so. I'll find out starting next week and let you know!
Thanks for understanding.
Thanks for understanding. Good luck with the birth and all that!!! Wish u the best
I wanted to add that the
I wanted to add that the other posters do have a point about the fact that he only sees your SD 4 times a month. You and the baby will get the majority of his time. My skids are here full time. BM lives in another state and they only go visit if DH buys the tickets. She pays no CS and and is too sorry to pay for them to come see her. I am lucky if they go 2 weeks during the holidays and a month during summer. I can't even enjoy the birth of my baby without them trying to horn in. My point is, it could always be worse.
You have your place in your
You have your place in your DH's life. You are the wife. SD5 has her place, she is the child. Do you want your DH going out of his way to spend time with the child you are about to have with him? Do you want him to take the morning off of work to see that child off to it's first day of school?
Him not taking time off to come to one of your appointments is a separate issue. One that does not have to do with SD5. When your DH decides not to go to one of your appointments he's not thinking "You know, I'd much rather spend time with SD5, I love her so much more". Nope, most likely he's thinking "Dr appointments are boring and I don't want to give up a morning at work to go to one". Now I don't agree with his decision, he should go to at LEAST ONE sonogram appointment. But try not to compare that to SD, he isn't.
What does he drive that would
What does he drive that would cost $150 in gas to go see her for her first day of school???
He sees her 4 days a month. You see him 26-27. Why are you fighting for his attention?
Your unborn child has no idea & doesn't care who is/isn't present at the dr's office, so this isn't about your baby.
If you want to change & help function better as a family, quit being selfish. You're 26-years old. The best thing you can do for your family is to act like it! You're putting yourself in competition with a 5-year old!
So he doesn't NEED to use the gas or take the time off work, but it's important to him. That should be reason enough to support him in doing so.
^^^THIS^^^ Can you imagine
^^^THIS^^^
Can you imagine once your baby is born, only seeing your child 4 days a month??? I can't.
I know I need to stop being
I know I need to stop being selfish but I don't know how... That's y I was asking for advice. He drives a deisel pickup and diesel is $4.50 a gallon where we are. Thanks for the understanding and words from others, I appreciate it.
Unfortunately, there's no
Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to this one. I don't think anyone is trying to offend, it's just... Again, no easy answer. Changing how you think of your DH's and SD's relationship is pretty much the only way. Most of us have been in a similar situation as you, it's a tough one. :/
The other posters have really
The other posters have really nailed it.
As for "how do I stop being selfish"... honestly, selfishness is the "act" that comes from being self centered, imo.
So, to stop being self centered, you need to put your focus on stuff other than YOU. I think that branching out in your community, helping in a food kitchen, serving at a church, being a "Big Brother/Big Sister" member, etc, are all really good ways of turning your eyes off of you.
When you start to see how others live with so little, you start to realize all that you have.
give it a try
Thats why im so confused...
Thats why im so confused... Im a very giving person. Ive been a volunteer at a free clinic for the past three years. I cook meals for the homeless every thanksgiving and christmas. I am a volunteer camp counselor every summer, going on 9 years now... I give to the community but with him and my personal life im still so selfish... I think im just hurt bc i feel like i dont matter to him. I feel like an outsider and i dont belong. Thanks for ur reply
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from because I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. This is your first child so you are excited and want to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy with your husband. Because it is your first child I believe he should be happy to go to the Dr. appt with you. Granted he might not be able to go to all of then due to work he at least must show you that this child is as equally as important as his daughter. I made this very clear to my husband before we had any children and he completely understood. He went to every dr. appt with me. I don't think you are competing for his attention with his daughter its just that you see what he does for her and you want that same attention now that you are pregnant. Just think of it this way, he is being a great father to his daughter and he will also be a great dad to our unborn child.Just talk to him and tell him how you feel but remember its not his daughters fault.
First off, I must say, she is
First off, I must say, she is 5? It is her first day of school, ever? He needs to be there. Does not need to ride with BM but does need to be there. You can't change history by wishing it wasn't true, trust me, I've tried at times and felt selfish when I have done it too, but sue me, I'm human. But, he also needs to be at the important appointments for the unborn child. Both are equally his children and deserve equal treatment by him. I'm sorry but some of the regular checkups, if you are having money issues or taking off will impact his job, it is not necessary for him to attend. Now, as for my advice, what I would do is set aside time for them to spend alone. This is going to be much harder for you seeing as how he only sees her every other weekend. That has to be just ripping that poor little child's heart out. But on every visit give them at least 4 hours on a set day at a set time to go and do something fun without any interruption. From you or anybody else. She is feeling a big loss in her life and in her young mind you are a threat that can make that loss even bigger. Don't be that woman, please? Now, in the same respect that she deserves her alone time with Daddy, Daddy also needs to show her that you are his other half and she doesn't have to like it but she does have to accept it and respect you. That means, DO NOT BACK OFF. That will show her that she controls you and she will use the control to get rid of you. For example, if you are holding his hand and she comes up between you two and pushes you away, HE NOT YOU needs to say, "Honey, you may hold my hand but you may not stop me from holding my wife's hand." And then he needs to offer the opposite hand to her, and take your hand back into the hand that you were holding. It needs to be done in a way that shows that she does not have the power to come between you two but at the same time, needs to be done in a way that shows her that she is not losing him but gaining you. And it has to be consistent. She is young. Remember, in her eyes, you are a threat. You need to gently dispel this mindset and show her that instead of losing something, she is gaining something. It will take a lot of time and it will be very hard, but you need to not take her Daddy away from her. That would be detrimental to her mental development and I promise will only cause problems for your little family. Oh and does he get phone time between visitations? If so, no interrupting. You get him 24/7 and do not need him. She has been diminished to having somebody she needs in her life to only getting him in her life every other weekend. You are trying to show her that you are not trying to take Daddy away, so don't take his attention away when it should be on her. You will see her coming around to you in no time. I promise. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
^^^^^^The reality is the
^^^^^^The reality is the father's of these domineering children rarely say and do the right thing in front of their children to support their SO or wife. That is what causes so much anguish on the step talk forum. When daddy undermines the stepmom or SO in front of his children, he subconscientiously encourages his children to escalate their behavior.
Thank u all so much. I really
Thank u all so much. I really appreciate it. Yes, he calls her everyday but doesn't always get to talk bc bm doesn't answer. I back off and try to give them their time but daddy doesn't like that. He wants me involved, he wants me to be her mother figure but I get frustrated because all she does is talk about how amazing her mother is... I feel she is comparing us and saying I am not amazing. She doesn't care for me too much. I tried so hard at first to be involved and do things with her but its so hard and she resists so much... She only wants her daddy and doesnt want me in the picture... Weve bee together 3.5 years.