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Tit for Tat.. everything has to be fair!

mommaof2's picture

So i just had a baby a month ago and my BD was there when we had the hospital pics done. the photographer took this beautiful pic on my BD6 kissing my new sons head. well needless to say i get an attitude bc i purchased the pic because his 2boys 5&7 were not there to have their pic with the baby too! so now we are home and i get " are you gona hang that pic up?" well i didnt buy it to put it away in the drawer! well it caused a fight. he says i seperate the kids and its not right. His ex has made it VERY clear to me "im nobody, im NOT their mother, and how i feel and what i think means nothing" and he let her say that to me and said nothing to her about it. she can take her kids on vacation (which is the same week i was going to have my BDs bday party, so now i have to reschedule so his boys can be there) she can take her boys for pics w/o my childern. but im not! i have to wait for a visitation day to do ANYTHING with my kids, get pics done ect. i think it sucks! all he says is im a terrible person bc i say my kids ur kids. He caters to them and his ex and i feel like we come last and im tired of it! i will not wait on his ex to apporve time so i can take ALL the kids to go do stuff. these are MY childern and i will do as i please and not restrict my activities so his kids can be there too when they go all kinds of places and do all kinds of things w her and her family while my kids never do anything. i know i probably sound selfish, but im really just starting to resent him his ex and the kids. Beee

Comments

smomof2's picture

oh honey you're not being selfish at all! He's asking you to push "pause" on your life and your kids' life when "his" children are not there. That is unfair!

Purplemom's picture

^^^^ this. When you have a blended family, someone is going to miss out on something eventually. Would he really rather your kids have no life while waiting around for his kids?

How does he think your BD and the baby will feel as they get older and the skids talk about all the great stuff they do? Is he going to tell your kids the truth- that he puts things on hold- when your kids ask "WHy don't we do fun stuff like that?"

mommaof2's picture

thanks so much! he makes me feel like im a rotten person bc i feel this way. dont get me wrong i love his kids just MY world doesnt revolve around them. he wants me to treat them like my own but i get NO say in anything,im expected to be at every activity ( baseball soccer) which i did for awhile, but honestly those kids could care less if im there but he gets pissed if i dont go! i dont know,.. we will see how this summer goes! Also i will hang that pic where ever i want damn it!! lol

i dont know what he expects me to tell the kids we have in our home. He always tells them we r family and wait for eachother. and says my BD will spend time w her dad this summer and do things his boys wont be able to do so its fair! i feel like we r in 1st grade with this crap!

sonja's picture

Oh screw his way of thinking!! I wasnt allowed time at home alone with MY first baby either, cause SD wanted to see her baby brother. OMG! *I* am the new mom! NOT her!

I wait until weekends SD isnt here to do the really fun stuff, no waiting and I even made sure BS1 got to have his first xmas alone with us, WITHOUT SD.

And you know where SD is while we go on vacations, go to parties, the park, zoo, etc etc? With HER mother. If HER mother sucks and doesnt do fun things.. NOT MY PROBLEM!

Put your foot down now! I even got our first family photo with BS... WITHOUT SD! Yes, and yes his family had a fit, but you know what, SD is a part of FDHs 'family' and thats ok, but I dont need her to be here for me to feel whole, Id rather wait till shes gone.

Ugh Im SO against this way of thinking. Life doesnt only happen when the skids show up!

mommaof2's picture

sonja, i feel the exact same way!! but he is very very against it saying im trying to push his kids out of the picture period and if its that way for HIS kids maybe i should send MY daughter away more often! he can be such an asshole! i told him I WILL be taking MY kids to disney this april with or without him and his kids. i know the BM wont approve the vacation bc she has to be the first to do everything with them, so im taking my kids alone ( which will probably end us)my DH has shown where his commitment is and its not with me and my BD and our new son its with his kids with her, and doing favors for her and her family.

bi's picture

he's being an idiot. his kids do NOT have to be included in everything! i just went and got mother's day pictures of me and my kids. i did it 2 years ago, too. fdh doesn't care. i think it's actually sd that gets pissed, but that's another story. bottom line is that you have 2 kids, he has 3. too damn bad if he doesn't like the picture. hang it up. if it bothers him so much, HE can take HIS kids and the baby to get pictures done.

mommaof2's picture

i told him to go get pics done of the boys, and he acted like i would get mad at him for it! lol he just turns this into i dont love his kids and i dont want them around. well now that im being accused of it, im totally disengaging from his whole situation. im tired of the crap!

sonja's picture

Ive got mixed feelings on the picture situation. I write BS, but I guess since hes ours, hes actually as DS?

Anywho, theres BS and SD. FDH has never taken SD to get pictures done, he leaves that to BM, but its not like she shares.. I take BS all the time, since hes young, weve gone every 6mo. FDH didnt make a huge fuss about the family pic of us 3, he knew I wanted it and that I wanted it without SD.

I was fully prepared to tell him he can go get a pic of SD and him if he feels he needs one. I would not be happy if he took SD and BS to get pics with him. In fact Id be livid. BM gets pics of her and SD together, and truthfully it looks weird, but she and my FDH arent together so I guess thats all she can have.

I dont want for there to be pictures of FDH and BS without me, whether SD is in them or not. FDH and I are together, and as BS' parents, I expect us both to be in the pic, and Im not getting in the pic with SD.

bi's picture

he's acting like you will get mad because he knows damn well he would. people expect others to react in situations the way they would react themselves.

i have a few sets of pictures of just bd and me. i left her worthless father, so for a lot of years, it was just her and i. we were a family just as much as if there had been a dh in the picture. i'm a picture person. my mom wasn't, and i have next to no pictures of me as a kid, and certainly nothing like bday or Christmas snapshots, things like that are important. i am never without my camera. that doesn't mean i have to extend that obsession to sd. i did not take a single picture at her graduation or on her bdays, or really ever. unless she shoved herself in front of my camera with a dumb ass grin, which she has done, because the only reason anyone would have a camera is to take pictures of her! i deleted them later. }:) fdh doesn't give 2 shits about pictures, he will get family pics done for me. we have done that once, when bs was 3 mos, and all the kids were with us. next time it will just be him and i and my kid, our kid. sd is 19, moved out, and pregnant. she can get her own damn pictures done. i'm not inviting her and her bf and kid to get pics done with us, although i'm sure she'll think i should and that i'm rotten and evil for not doing it. why not just bring the neighbors cat along, too?

ok. i went off on a tangent. this is obviously a touchy subject for me. the bottom line is that a parent should be able to have pictures of just their own children if they want them.

cant win for losin's picture

"i told him to go get pics done of the boys, and he acted like i would get mad at him for it!"

this is his way of turning his responsiblities on to you. He knows he has no intentions of doing anything like that himself, yet...since you are doing it then you should do it for everybody. blah blah.

I say, if the pictures are THAT important to you, then you would take them yourself.
I am a picture person, I take tons I have tons and I display them. But I don't stress anymore making sure the numbers are even. I am the woman of the house, (meaning i decorate it) I will put up what i want. Which means, there is a few of his kid. More of mine, and a little more of ours.

Orchid91's picture

You're not selfish at all! Hang it proudly wherever you want. This is something I will feel strongly about when we have a baby.
I asked fdh what he would do if I wanted family pics done of me, him and our future baby. Of course he said that ss must be there, and that I shouldn't put a pic of the 3 of us up without ss. I told him 'f that, I will have and display a pic of MY family'. There is 1 photo of ss on display in our house. I do the decorating, fdh hasn't bothered to put anymore out. I got a huge frame with 10+ photos of ss in it as a present for fdh. Its in the cupboard and he hasn't mentioned putting it up. It's not my responsibility to display photos of his child. I know a day will come when he'll say 'why aren't there more pics of ss?' to which I will reply 'why are you asking me?'.
My fdh will also pause our lives when ss isn't here. I told him that we have to do things without ss too. My own stepmums kids used to say 'why do we only eat nice food and do nice things when orchids here'. I will make damn well sure my children never feel that way and I couldn't care less what fdh, his family or ss think.

Orchid91's picture

You're not selfish at all! Hang it proudly wherever you want. This is something I will feel strongly about when we have a baby.
I asked fdh what he would do if I wanted family pics done of me, him and our future baby. Of course he said that ss must be there, and that I shouldn't put a pic of the 3 of us up without ss. I told him 'f that, I will have and display a pic of MY family'. There is 1 photo of ss on display in our house. I do the decorating, fdh hasn't bothered to put anymore out. I got a huge frame with 10+ photos of ss in it as a present for fdh. Its in the cupboard and he hasn't mentioned putting it up. It's not my responsibility to display photos of his child. I know a day will come when he'll say 'why aren't there more pics of ss?' to which I will reply 'why are you asking me?'.
My fdh will also pause our lives when ss isn't here. I told him that we have to do things without ss too. My own stepmums kids used to say 'why do we only eat nice food and do nice things when orchids here'. I will make damn well sure my children never feel that way and I couldn't care less what fdh, his family or ss think.

Orchid91's picture

You're not selfish at all! Hang it proudly wherever you want. This is something I will feel strongly about when we have a baby.
I asked fdh what he would do if I wanted family pics done of me, him and our future baby. Of course he said that ss must be there, and that I shouldn't put a pic of the 3 of us up without ss. I told him 'f that, I will have and display a pic of MY family'. There is 1 photo of ss on display in our house. I do the decorating, fdh hasn't bothered to put anymore out. I got a huge frame with 10+ photos of ss in it as a present for fdh. Its in the cupboard and he hasn't mentioned putting it up. It's not my responsibility to display photos of his child. I know a day will come when he'll say 'why aren't there more pics of ss?' to which I will reply 'why are you asking me?'.
My fdh will also pause our lives when ss isn't here. I told him that we have to do things without ss too. My own stepmums kids used to say 'why do we only eat nice food and do nice things when orchids here'. I will make damn well sure my children never feel that way and I couldn't care less what fdh, his family or ss think.

Orchid91's picture

You're not selfish at all! Hang it proudly wherever you want. This is something I will feel strongly about when we have a baby.
I asked fdh what he would do if I wanted family pics done of me, him and our future baby. Of course he said that ss must be there, and that I shouldn't put a pic of the 3 of us up without ss. I told him 'f that, I will have and display a pic of MY family'. There is 1 photo of ss on display in our house. I do the decorating, fdh hasn't bothered to put anymore out. I got a huge frame with 10+ photos of ss in it as a present for fdh. Its in the cupboard and he hasn't mentioned putting it up. It's not my responsibility to display photos of his child. I know a day will come when he'll say 'why aren't there more pics of ss?' to which I will reply 'why are you asking me?'.
My fdh will also pause our lives when ss isn't here. I told him that we have to do things without ss too. My own stepmums kids used to say 'why do we only eat nice food and do nice things when orchids here'. I will make damn well sure my children never feel that way and I couldn't care less what fdh, his family or ss think.

Orchid91's picture

You're not selfish at all! Hang it proudly wherever you want. This is something I will feel strongly about when we have a baby.
I asked fdh what he would do if I wanted family pics done of me, him and our future baby. Of course he said that ss must be there, and that I shouldn't put a pic of the 3 of us up without ss. I told him 'f that, I will have and display a pic of MY family'. There is 1 photo of ss on display in our house. I do the decorating, fdh hasn't bothered to put anymore out. I got a huge frame with 10+ photos of ss in it as a present for fdh. Its in the cupboard and he hasn't mentioned putting it up. It's not my responsibility to display photos of his child. I know a day will come when he'll say 'why aren't there more pics of ss?' to which I will reply 'why are you asking me?'.
My fdh will also pause our lives when ss isn't here. I told him that we have to do things without ss too. My own stepmums kids used to say 'why do we only eat nice food and do nice things when orchids here'. I will make damn well sure my children never feel that way and I couldn't care less what fdh, his family or ss think.

smdh's picture

I want to punch your dh in the throat. You are not being selfish. His kids get to do all kinds of stuff with their mother, but your kids shouldn't do anything with you (their mother) without his kids? Are his kids going to get pics taken with BM? Are they going to go to disney with ehr? The beach? Is she going to include them in Christmas gifts and bday gifts? No she isn't. So basically he is telling you that his two children from his first marriage DESERVE to have a full life 100% of the time, but your daughter and your son only deserve to have a life when it includes the other two.

I had a bday party for DS1. I was asked if I am having one for SD8. Um, no I am not. You can if you want, but I am not. He won't plan one. Her mother won't plan one. Not my problem that my kid hit the mommy lottery and she got boned.