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The worst behaved step kids ever?! DH always guilt ridden!

MommaFaith's picture

HELP! Please. I've been a step-parent for a year and half now and the honeymoon period is long gone and I'm seriously at wits end..the the point of even thinking of going away for a couple weeks to re-think things. NO doubt I love my DH and REALLY desperate for this to work...but I haven't met any step moms like me yet. First off his son is a very big 7 year old nonverbal child who will draw blood from you through fighting or biting if he is told no in ANY single way. I'm not exaggerating. He also is frankly disgusting, he digs in his butt wipes things on walls poops all over the seat, eats like a wild animal, will come in from out side COVERED in mud no matter what the weather. He has ruined EVERYTHING I previously owned before they moved in to me and my son's home. Here is the list: The couch is 100% broke down, torn out stuffing, disgusting dirty; the trampoline; my bed as he was somehow left unattended for 15min and jumped so hard (while muddy) he put holes in the boxspring); every standing mirror in the house, pissed on the 400$ electric "fire place" b/c he was told no and got mad at me; every nice dish we owned (I stopped and buy dollar store ones), the list goes on. It's insane. I understand his has a disability but so does my son and there is no excuse for this extremeness. His dad usually will just yell and will discipline if it gets extremely bad but it always gets extremely bad. You can't do anything but spank the child and even then he just fights you back...he seems to feel no pain at all. But then what may be worse of all is his "normal" 8.5year old daughter. She too is big for her age looking like she's 11. We started off trying to build that "family" she even called me mom. But then her behaviors started really being annoing she woudl constantly hit my son (same age) when ever she was mad and just acted ridcioulsu. So I began disciplining but this made my DH who parents out of guilt b/c bio mom ran off mostly b/c of our marriage...mind you he's had custodial parent rights for years before he met me but she would atleast take them out especially the daughter and spend some time with them even if it was just once a month but as soon as we got pregnant and married she ran abandioing her child (mostly her daughter b/c she never cared for her disabled son -she has 2 other before these kids by 2 other men who she does not have these kids eitehr and they are 16 and 18 but she hasnt' had them since they were 13 and 15). SD is THE MOST manipulating child I've ever met. She knows she can not act like she does to me when her dad's there but as soon as he leaves (our work schedule varies) and I have her it's like ww3. And she lies to her dad all the time.Even lied about me "punching" his son...I've never even whipped the boy only did what I had to do to get him to stop biting me and when her dad confronted her and i about this she quickly "ohh well she didn't punch anyone I was mistaken she just yelled to get him off her my bad, daddy i love you guess what i did at school, all A's on my test...hey dad i made you a picture come look" NO JOKE that is pretty much how it went and NOTHIGN was done...I understand this is a DH and I problem. But this little girl won't give us 2 seconds alone. He will even tell her to but then she knows how to play him and she will come back literally in 2min "daddy i jsut watned to ask you if I could have an orange sir" then 2 min later "daddy there is no tp" to which he goes and it's right there she hid behind the toliet and "there you go hunny" "oh thank u dada" in a baby voice.. NO JOKE these are the converstations that go on in our hosue CONSTANTLY. We have a infant and it's FAR LESS demanding then this almost 9 year old. We relaized she wants so much attention so he spends 30min with just her everynight while I spend 30min with my son and sometimes I have to have the baby as my son is good and behaved and not spolied so doens't mind sharing his time where she flips out...but it didnt' help infact it made it MUCH worse now she EXPECTS she DESERVES all the attetion one on one. I'm not joking she interupts us every 3minuets even after bed she will gag herself to coughing just so she can ask him for help. She alos gets almost every weekend with undivided attention from her grandparents which she adores and wants to go. She is THE most spolied child and the only one besides the baby who does NOT have special needs. She whines about EVERYTHING and she NEVER tells me thank you. She breaks everything as much as her savage brother does. Her dad spent too much money on her for her bday last year and no joke she LOST the 40$ alive baby doll thing he bought her 1 week after having it, never knew where it was!! Left it somewhere, church, grandparents, school, bus, who the hell knows...she wasn't even to be taking it but she will hide stuff and take all the time. I could go on with stories. I'm sorry! I've tried posstiive stuff, even sticker charts, ect...NOTHING works and I'm not allowed to discipline. I'm SO resentful b/c his children FORCE me to give SO much of my time up to them and my son gets hardly NONE for DH. My son doesn't really seem to care if DH is there or not and there could be literally a week go by with NOTHING said to each other. NOTHING. But niether one seems to care and when do talk there seems to be no hate. But I fume with him having to do NOTHING for my son B/C HE'S GOOD HE'S 9 W/ASPERGERS AND TOTALY SELF SUFFICIENT. He worked hard on this! But I DO EVERYTHING for his kids b/c they don't shut up ever ever ever. I have recently just disengaged. I stopped taking her anywhere w/me and my kids, I stopped helping her paint her nails, I stopped even talking to either of them unless I truly have to. I answer with "yes" "no" and "talk to ur dad not me." It sounds awful but it's the only way I can survive this home anymore. I get all the eye roles plain outright ignoring ect but now that I just stoped caring, stop trying it makes me feel calmer and more able to just cope w/o goin insane but it's made her behavior now into this "I miss my mom dad, can she move back in w/us, can we move out of here and find mom?" And she's NEVER EVER said this before. And honestly she ONLY says this to him when he is refusing to give her 24/7 attention from 4pm-9pm. If he is playing a game with her or otherwise glued to her ass she NEVER whines about her mom but if he's god forbid playing w his baby or watching TV it's all on full out guilt trip. WHAT DO I DO???!!!!

Comments

kathc's picture

How the hell do you not just tell the brat, "Sure, go find your mom who took off because she wanted nothing to do with you. PLEASE find her so I can ship your ass off to live with HER and get you the hell away from me!"

OK, I know none of us would ever actually say it.

AlreadyGone's picture

WOW! This is quite a situation for you. I'm not even sure where to start. Other than to tell you that if you are this unhappy, you probably should get your kids and leave for a little while. Hopefully, while you are gone, your DH will attempt to find some therapy and outside help for his kids AND your marriage.

What is the nature of your SS's disability? Is he receiving any sort of counseling at present? If so, what does the counselor say? If not? Why the hell not????

Sorry, I just need more information here. In the meantime, take a deep breath and try to calm yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day so trying to figure out how to deal with this type of situation will take a lot of time and patience. Smile

MommaFaith's picture

thank you...i like the Rome comment...it gave me some little hope...He is diagnosed by one with autism but then questioned by another doc with apraxia (sp?) and defiant disorder. He gets therapy weekly, was 2x weekly but event he therapist refused to see him anymore b/c she kept getting beaten. The thing is, i work with special needs and my own son is special needs...but his son is ONLY bad when he doesn't get his way. And being very trained in autism, this boy is NOT autistic. He fully knows what you are saying but if he doesn't get his way or his attention right away it's full blown fights. The schools even said he is spoiled and nothing we can do about it so they just take him 3 hours a day. We have him on a waiting list to get into a school fulltime all year long but who knows how long the waiting list will be. DH lost a good job b/c no one would keep him b/c hes terrible. And whats worse is now he is working a way less paying job and requires weekends so guess who has him-me!! I'm stuck all weekend in house b/c he can not be taken anywhere. But, DH does do everything for them, he cooks for them, he washes them, goes to their school advents, he doesn't push parenting off on me just weekends so he can work. But this not letting me discipline is enough. And that SD brat is uppin the anny now with constantly guilt tripping him. And he feels bad. I have no sympathy anymore...I want to say My son's dad walked out to and it sucks but you can't be a victim, shut up and move on...embrace what you have b/c soon it'll just be you and your dad and your bro and you will be lonely and miserable...and your mom doesn't want you!! Wish i could say it but i know i ain't that heartless! But damn enoughs enough!

AlreadyGone's picture

Smile So, he has a neurologic anomoly that creates a speech impairment and Oppositional Defiant Disorder? I'm guessing that he may also be suffering from a form of RAD as well (once thought to be a form of Autism and may still be on the Autism spectrum to some degree.) Forgive me, it's been a few years. Let me just say.... BTDT.

How is his speech? You say that his anger only shows when he doesn't get his way or if he isn't the center of attention? Any other time, he can maintain? I get where you're coming from BTW, just asking some pertinent info. at the moment. Any medications at play here?

Sounds as if SD is acting out b/c she's learned that by doing so, rewards follow. Really baaaad parenting path to take. Again, BTDT. Of course, you are the target b/c you see clearly what DH refuses to. Both SK's know this and probably tag team you, lol. Again, BTDT. Wink

Has your DH ever been told that an institutional type school is a possibility? Many BP's hate when they are forced to look at the truth about their lack of parenting skills. Sadly, this just jacks up the guilt even more.

Sux to be in this kind of predicament. Hands tied and suffering all the way. Any therapy for yourself and/or DH? Or family therapy with everyone involved? Just asking b/c sometimes that springboard is really helpful. Is there any kind of wrap-around program that you could apply for? Family therapists will come to your home a few times weekly and observe the dynamics of the house. Might be a good idea to check into that, if you haven't already. I think more info is definitely needed. There are some SM's here that are living this type of life and I would love to hear their input as well.

For now, VENT. I mean really let 'er rip. It gives you an outlet to get some things out. No sense in keeping this poison all bottled up. I still think that some time apart would be benficial so long as DH is working behind the scenes (trying to find a more positive way of dealing with these current issues) while you're catching your breath.

Hang in there for now! Smile

MommaFaith's picture

Yes 1medicine hes on it helps but ok just tiday-worked all day got bavt from sitter took my son to therapy 40min away came home and he and his kids were akrdy home he franticly cleaning up we go to the bathroom to talk 2min and him love on ba y and his son bust in (o he broke all locks AND door handles) and just bites me on ba k his dad grabed his hand says stlp he reaches w other hand pinches baby well tried igot away when he barely grazed het) DH gets on his level eye to eye says "no" and thats it and he will keep doing it as always. Dh comes outside where i retreared w baby and tries to resume our convo. We actually got 3min in before he bust outside half naked. Then we have rlutines for all kids my son and SD were playing and i came in announced DS homework time he yells in excitement (LOVES S hool) she gets in his face says "U DONT GOTTA YELL" And shoved him. I shut door got in her face and she rolled her eyes i said "u willnever lay hamds on anyone in this hluse u understand me" after gwttin right in her face (i e never did this w her till last month) and making her answer she did then skilped in asking her dafdy if she could help him cook!!!! I tild dh what she did and idk what he did as i locked me and my kids up inmy sons room playin refusing to leave for a min as im sure. He jst talked to the brat and shes saying somethong to kiss his ass.

MommaFaith's picture

Sd cant occupy herself for a sec...constantly there constantly whinning even the 5mo old babu cant stand her bc shes soooo ovetbeating

MommaFaith's picture

Hes so bent on guilt and so stressed bc never no break..how do i get him to see/fix this shit?

LuckyGirl's picture

Two words - boarding school.
There is no way in hell I would look after a child I am not allowed to discipline. My house, my rules, you like it or you lump it. This includes daddy dearest...

Disneyfan's picture

Nice :sick:

MommaFaith's picture

?

MommaFaith's picture

Im confused..m already stressed w rudeness at home so if u express my story annoied u then just dont read it...if u read it and reply then as i said before THANK U. If u dont wanna read it then thats ok but dont gotta express OMG as it frustrated u. Also putting me down w grade school nt its nice...i also get plenty of passive agressive cmnt i dont need any more