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OT-perhaps I’ve lost my mind....

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 10/01/2019 - 9:26pm

So many of your know last year FIL79 moved in with us for a time due to illness. Since then he’s gotten better-enough to be back home on his own. He’s also had another non-hodgkin’s diagnosis since then (his 5th) and just finished up chemo. 

My MIL67 in this past week, has been diagnosed with a neuroendocrine cancer and it’s not looking good at all. 

I CANNOT for the life of me stand the thought of having both seats at our eventual wedding where his parents are supposed to be empty. It absolutely f-ing wreaks me. 

The only reason we haven’t moved forward with any of the wedding nonsense is because  it up until recently wasn’t a priority like at all. We have talked about it for years, we just don’t have any money for that because it’s all going into a “house” and get the hell out of dodge fund. It’s quickly becoming one, for me at least and I’m sure with everything going on it’s the last thing on his mind right now-but I know he would want them there. 

I am so ready to forgo the wedding-“bliss”nonsense (I was in 8 weddings in 2 years and it’s lost it’s luster after watching all your girlfriends and both sisters turn into absolute trolls over placement cards) and just have a small wedding with the people that mean the most to us-pot luck style and an iPod if need be I don’t care. 

He told me he went to look at rings a few months back and they’re expensive and he doesn’t think he’d be able to sneak that much money out of the accounts without my noticing (correct) plus, I told him then, financially not what I was wanting to do at the moment.

So ive decided, at our family photo shoot in two weeks I’m going to propose to him. I’m going to stay overnight with his mom in the hospital tomorrow and I’m going to talk to her about it. I bought a fishing lure (he loves fishing) that says “you are my greatest catch will you marry me?” 

 

Ya’ll have I gone off the deep end or is this okay? 

Comments

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Tue, 10/01/2019 - 10:45pm

is ok. Doesn’t matter how corny or geeky it is, if your partner is into that then so be it..

not all of us want to go into debt for a wedding celebration when the guests won’t ever give a sh*t about us when the going gets tough

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 12:15am

Sounds like a great idea! The marriage is what is important, not the wedding. Go ahead and have your intimate, family oriented wedding - you won't regret it.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Submitted by Aunt Agatha on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 3:51am

You have chosen a warm, loving and kind solution.  You are honoring your SO and his parents by planning their involvement.

In the end, these will be the memories you will be so happy to have.  Not, as you point out, the ‘right’ placeholder cards.

You are really a great catch for him!  

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Thu, 10/10/2019 - 8:08pm

<3

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 7:16am

I love this idea!

Keep us posted!!! 

Rings are a silly thing to put your marriage on hold for. There are gorgeous synthetic stones, you can always do something other than a diamond, Etsy has some of the coolest rings ever! Also, a couple of $100 gold bands is all you ever need anyway! 

ps- I got the coolest band for DH ever. www.rusticandmain.com

They are hand made wooden rings. They are stunning in person, but they take 3 months to get ordered. If you are looking for something special for the ceremony you may want to look :) 

secondplace's picture

Submitted by secondplace on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 9:19am

Wow, those rings are stunning!  I have to admit, when you first said "handmade wooden rings", I wasn't expecting much.  But, those are beautiful!.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 8:07am

Alright, I'll be the dissenting vote here.

How do you think your SO will react to this after you had told him "no" to a ring? Do you think he'll feel set up, or will his ego take a hit? If he has already felt like a failure to buy you something he thinks you deserve, this could hurt him more.

MD, you know I like you and have always tried to provide you with constructive guidance. I do think this is a cute idea, but I also know that you are a planner and control freak to the extreme, sometimes missing the forest for the trees. A lot is happening right now that is going to put you into overdrive, so think carefully on this. Is this something your SO would want and appreciate, or will this make him feel worse?

Also, don't get married just because family is dying. I know you two have been together a long time, but you have postponed getting married in the past for good reasons. I know your SO would like his parents to be alive and see him marry, but don't make a decision that ties you to him any more than you already are just because of that. Is he the man you need him to be to be your husband?

It's a cute idea, but please don't get wrapped up in the idea and blaze ahead on a path that isn't 100% solid. I'm not saying it isn't, but take a big, deep, cleansing breath and think this entirely through, start to finish, before doing this.

I say this as someone who proposed to her ex and watched it backfire. As someone who considered moving her wedding up several years to accommodate a dying parent, and was very happy after the fact that I waited. I've been in your shoes of contemplating this, and I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying we're a bit alike and it's good to *really* think things over ESPECIALLY if we think we are being crazy.

If you DO think this is the right decision, then this is a lovely idea for the kind of man your SO is.