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Skid journaling her visitation

momjeans's picture

DH and I revisited this in our discussion last night. Here’s that blog entry for reference:

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/momjeans/skid-documented-her-summer-visita...

This has a lot to do with me not wanting to engage much with skid (again) this summer. DH stated it hasn’t happened yet, so why live in fear that it will. He also said that skid *can* journal if she wants, too, because journaling is okay and normal and common. I don’t disagree with that statement. 

I keep a password protected journal on my phone. I write lots of different things in it, and not that often. One of those things is stuff DH has said to me in regards to skid, BM, visitation, whatever, because I would often share these things with my therapist. I’ve never outright told DH this, but he has guessed this much and refers to my journal keeping at “keeping notes on people who have wronged me,” as if that’s some sort of dig. I’ve backed off on journaling, and have made a conscious effort to just address matters or concerns as they happen, like I stated in last night’s blog post.

So, from what I’m hearing out of DH, it’s totally okay for skid to journal her interactions with DH she views as negative (and hand it off to him in a Bye Felicia fashion as she leaves to go back home), but it’s totally not okay for me to keep a journal that he has no proof or knowledge of the context.  

Got it. 

 

 

Comments

momjeans's picture

I told him to last night. Twice even.

I also laughed when I pointed out the double standard to him and he hates that. Ha ha ha.

Siemprematahari's picture

Of course its ok for his daughter to keep a journal and not you.....With you he automatically assumes you're out to get them and what you think isn't relevant since you're "keeping notes on people who have wronged you". It's interesting how he came to this conclusion which leads me to believe this is what he thinks of his daughter.....hence project his sh!t!

Keep your journal Momjeans and to h@ll with what he thinks about it. If it helps you why not!

 

 

momjeans's picture

I’m definitely keeping it. Heck, I journaled this tid bit of info this morning. To ensure I recall exactly what he said, because he’d just deny ever saying it. 

thinkthrice's picture

assume that OP was "wronged" unless deep down he really knows that he IS wronging OP!!!???

Things that make you go HMMMM

momjeans's picture

I think DH thinks he’s making a brilliant, punching down comment to me when he says that. But, now that you put it this way, I think you’re right...

tog redux's picture

I think you should journal everything you are unhappy about and give it to him.  Just to drive home how wrong it is that he lets his daughter do that. 

She should be able to express her concerns, but verbally. If she can't, then she can keep her journal to herself. It's teaching her to be entitled to allow this to continue - as if anyone and everyone is going to care about what she finds needs need to changed. 

Jjs868's picture

I keep a journal because dh doesn't like to talk things out. So i write how he makes me feel or what he's doing wrong and leave it so he can 'find' it and read it. Then he actually does a 180 and rights his wrongs. 

Harry's picture

means you don’t care what she does. What she does or writes has no effect on your life. Do not take care of her, Do nor cook for her. Do no clean, or take her anyplace, or do anything with her.  What ever she writes, who cares.

If your DH lets her do that to him.  She will not do that to you.  If she does not like the food, she should cook,  if she mad she did not go anywhere so what , you will live.  

Momjeans your problem is with your DH. You know that. Unless he changes, nothing is going to change or get better. They just all love drama 

Chmmy's picture

Behaviors are often patterns. I can bet on skids/BM behaviors before they happen. Im actually quite good at predicting BM behaviors due to my ex having a lot of the same patterns when my kids were young. The skids have proven me wrong at times. I do expect the worst from them and then sometimes they surprise us. I always mention that to DH when Im wrong, Im glad I was wrong.

Petronella's picture

I hope your SD has grown up a little since last summer so you guys will not be subjected to another one of these ridiculous journals. You could ask her about it when she arrives. See what she says. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Summer visit with dad and left the journal with dad. What exactly was wrong with that?Kids in therapy are often encouraged to do that as a way of facilitating communication with  parents and others.

I do not think  that most people  think of journaling as spying. Certainly,  journaling can be used in unhealthy ways, but there is no evidence of this in anything that the OP has said about the daughter.

It could have been a way to   leave her dad with an account of their very limited time together. It also provided  dad with some insight as to how the daughter processes the conversations that they share 

There are so many healthy and positive ways of looking at what the daughter was doing and so  much potential for father and daughter to grow and learn more about each other.

I hope that the dad sees the potential for shared growth in what his daughter is doing.When time is so limited and the potential for interactions is so restricted, I would think that they would like for creative ways to memorialize the time spent together.

OP you might be happier just stepping back from their summer interactions for your peace of mind.

Maybe , the daughter could stay with the grandparents and just spend time  with dad.  This would relieve the OP from what is clearly an unpleasant experience for her.

 

momjeans's picture

CG, if you were aware of the content skid was journaling in regards to said summertime interactions with her dad, you’d feel so foolish for posting this wannabe child-centric psychobabble rubbish. 

Yes, journaling is great and healthy and serves a purpose for communicating at times, but keeping a journal of everything DH said or did ‘wrong’ in her presence, then handing it off to him as she waves bye? Not so much. 

If this behavior hurts my DH, it hurts me, because I value my marriage. And I can value and care about my marriage while having ill feelings about skid doing this and not wanting her to continue it.

Clear as mud?

When I brought this up to my therapist, she was quite taken back and asked why DH wasn’t scheduling family therapy sessions for him and skid while she’s here, you know, so skid can discuss these things with DH face-to-face, opposed to trying to have some sort of leverage in her relationship with him. And by “taken back,” I mean the therapist was flabbergasted with skid’s entitled behavior. He’s an adult. She’s not.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

Then your husband did learn something about his  relationship with his daughter and your therapist is correct.  Maybe they would benefit from counseling.

The daughter has limited contact with her dad, and she has to spend  that limited time in a less than welcoming environment. It is hardly surprising that her relationship with her  father might be  troubled.

  • Hopefully, the journal proves to be a wake-up call for dad and a vehicle to a better relationship between father and daughter.

momjeans's picture

The content is only “troubling” because in skid’s eyes, she is not receiving 110% of DH’s time and attention. Like the rest of society he works 40+ hours/week (more like 60 hours, tbh) during her summer visitation, and has other bio children to tend to. 

Entitlement. That’s all that’s going on here. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your DuH is a world class asshole.  No wonder he already has one divorce under his belt.