O/T: It’s coming - Mother’s Day and the toxic MIL
Or... bio Mom.
Three years ago I stopped acknowledging my MIL on Mother’s Day. I stopped attending any brunch or lunch FIL, MIL’s #1 flying monkey, invited us to.
I started perfecting the art of skirting around putting myself in the position to accept any sort of gift from her, because she only does it for herself (she’s an altruistic narcissist of the worst kind. It’s sickening), after all - not me.
I stopped responding to her empty and backhanded “Happy Mother’s Day, momjeans!” followed by a dozen emojis text. I ultimately stopped myself from even receiving them, by blocking her on my phone.
I stopped witnessing (and “liking”) her gush over the littlest “Happy Mother’s Day” post DH would post on his Facebook page, because after ALL the BS she has put me through, she is truly undeserving of the most minuscule amount of acknowledgment. She is truly a bad person to the core, cleverly disguised as a self-righteous do-gooder. She is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Passive aggression is second nature to her. It’s like her native tongue.
She punches down if you don’t play along with her codependent, enabling, and dishonesty is the best policy narrative.
According to my MIL:
I’m the reason for the downfall of DH’s first marriage to BM. No, I’m not. DH was already in the middle of his divorce, that he filed, with his physically abusive and adulterous first wife. I’m positive MIL believes DH wouldn’t have gone through with it if he hadn’t met me, and poor COD skid would be unhappily living with both of her parents. **eye roll**
My bios are more important to me than skid. And that’s wrong to her.
I keep DH from seeing skid more than he does (sometime it’s a choice, sometimes not - because work!)
I keep DH from her (and FIL). Nope, DH is a big boy and he is ALWAYS given the option to spend time with his parents, sans me and our kids. He chooses not to. And basically, since I’ve stopped choosing to see her on this holiday, so has DH. I see this as a spousal alliance. That he has finally come around to seeing his mom’s emotionally incestuous ways. Oh well. **shrugs**
Moral of this post, even though the approach of this holiday, with having a toxic MIL, is extremely anxiety inducing - it will be a cold day in hell before I EVER acknowledge her. She has spread some extremely hurtful untruths about me, refusing to apologize. Or, rather, she goes with the “I’m sorry you feel that way” non-apology.
And I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I truly put her in her place, most likely on a future Mother’s Day that I get bamboozled into spending with her.
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Comments
Good for you for removing
Good for you for removing that type of toxicity out of your life. My mother in law is also hard to deal with and I haven’t been able to be strong enough to just say “no”, in fear of seeming mean or selfish. I hope that things eventually get better and you develop a healthy, genuine, and good natured relationship over time. If not, I still wish you the best in finding your happiness by steering clear of her!
Thanks so much, And19!
Thanks so much, And19!
You are not a fake hypocrite
You are not a fake hypocrite like your MIL. Stay true to youself. You are doing what is right for you. If you waited for a toxic person like MIL to do something that was sincere you would wait forever, Be your authentic self it will set a good example for when you do see this woman.
Thanks for the real talk and
Thanks for the real talk and kindest words, queensway!
In this case, MIL stands for
In this case, MIL stands for Monster-In-Law. My sincere apology to monsters.
She's not YOUR family. She's your DH's mother.
You are spot on, Aniki. I was
You are spot on, Aniki. I was thinking to myself this morning why I even refer to her as such. She is DH’s Mom and problem. Not mine.
Thank you!
(No subject)
I agree with Aniki - she's
I agree with Aniki - she's not your family. And my MIL isn't my family either. Not when she favors BM over her own son and wife. Not when she acts like BM and DH are still married. Not when she spoils SS9 with cash and gifts while my baby gets $15-$20 gifts just to check off a box. Not when she thinks we should spend holidays with BM because of SS. (Seriously.)
Thanks, pixielady!
Thanks, pixielady!
My MIL will be lucky if I don
My MIL will be lucky if I don't chew her out on Mother's Day. BM decided to change her name back to DH's after divorcing XH#2, whom she was married to and carried his name for over a decade.
MIL has ALWAYS sucked up to BM because BM has primary custody of her precious grandbabies. When BM changed her name back, she didn't hesitate to "welcome her back" to the family name. Oh, and I'd like to add that MIL and FIL are divorced, so she has no real "right" to welcome her back.
It may seem petty, but MIL sucking up to BM has caused loads of issues and stress for DH, including having BM withhold the boys because she would be mad at MIL and wanted to "punish" her and DH. It only occurred to me with MIL "accepting" BM back just how much MIL doesn't actually care about her kids and only cares about her grands.
Oh well. Guess who I don't plan on inviting to my house anymore? Guess who won't get a Happy Mother's Day text? Guess who isn't getting anything unless her son decides to do something (news flash: he HATES Hallmark holidays and will be silent)? Yep - my MIL.
Call me petty, but the longer I do this whole SM thing, the less I give a darn. Not my monkeys and not my circus.
It may seem petty, but MIL
I completely relate to your entire post, but especially this part. And, no, it’s not petty at all. DH’s mother’s pernicious behavior has caused worlds of emotional pain to me, DH, and combined when it comes to our marriage.
While she wants nothing more than DH to believe she only tolerates BM so she can see skid (which IS mostly true...) she does have a weird alliance to BM and the rest of BM’s family. Still, years later. Her and FIL go out of their way to play happy in-laws, as if DH and BM never divorced. She, too, also wouldn’t bat an eye at throwing her own sons under the bus to see her grandchildren - and I’m speaking of the golden, special grandchildren: DH’s first (skid), and my BIL’s first and only child. It’s as if our bios are an afterthought. Not “real” grandchildren, because second marriage.
When I’ve pointed this out to her, she has become extremely aggressive, accusing me of trying to make her “look like a bad person!”
This accusation is also why she flat out refuses to go to family counseling with me and DH. If that doesn’t tell you something, I don’t know what does.
Another thing I’ve had a hard time processing is the fact that she conquered and divided the strong bond and friendship I once had with my BIL’s Ex fiancé. It’s as if she couldn’t handle that alliance. And she was equally nasty and controlling with ex fiancé. Ex fiancé just wised-up sooner than later and hightailed it out of this crazy toxic family!
Ah yes...
My MIL also goes out of her way to socialize with BM's parents, even inviting herself to their house for family gatherings when SSs will be there.
Last year, BM tried to tell DH he owed her because she was nice and let MIL come to SSs birthday dinner because MIL called and asked if she could come.
BM loves to talk crap to DH about MIL, but still uses her to try to get DH to do what she wants, while also playing the completely sugary-sweet, MOTY in front of MIL.
we have similar MILs
According to my MIL, I'm the reason that DH and BM do not get along. She fails to realize that the reason they seemed to "get along" before DH met me was because he was still putting up with BM's abusive behavior as if it was normal. Also, she seems to have forgotten all the emails from BM she was copied on where BM told DH things like she was going to report him to child support enforcement if he didn't pay her $30 for school pictures immediately. MIL even told DH to tell me that I should sit down with BM and have a long talk with her to 'work things out', um, we have nothing to work out, unless BM is going to stop acting like an entitled, juvenile, b%tch.
According to MIL, I am also out to short change SSs and take "what is rightfully theirs" away from them upon DH's death (which should not happen for many decades, but who's counting). She seems to have forgotten that DH had so little after his divorce that he had to move in with her and drive her extra car. He didn't have much more when he met me, but of course, I'm already plotting how to keep his millions from SSs.
According to MIL, DH should send BM a gift for Mother's Day and when DH said "Happy Mother's Day" to me, MIL pointed out to him (in front of me) that I'm not a mother. Despite her knowing that I'm not a mother, she still expects me to act like a mother when SSs are around.
I'm sure she also thinks that I keep DH from her...or perhaps, more that she thinks I keep SSs from her, since now they don't stay at her house for visitation weekends, since DH and I now have our own house (that is not in danger of foreclosure, like DH's home with BM and was not bought by my parents - like BM's current house was bought for her). She could accuse me of that, but then she'd also have to accuse BIL's wife of keeping BIL and his kids from her, since they never come around either...and maybe have to accuse some non-existant boyfriend of keeping SIL away, since she only comes around once a year and even then, usually goes out with her friends, when she's home.
MIL is now looking to us to help her out with some financial issue, even though when I met DH she had just given BM $5000 because BM "needed it". She also talks to BM on the phone all the time and serves as BM's minion to tell DH what to do or tell DH he should do something that he had refused to do, because it would be so helpful to BM. According to MIL, BM's life is very hard - even though BM insisted that she have full custody and refused to discuss any custody sharing. She would just like DH to do all of the parent errands that she finds inconvenient and pay more than the share he is required to pay under their CO. MIL agrees that DH should do this, because she feels BM is "overwhelmed" with life as a parent and "working really hard" to be a good mom.
For all these reasons, I'm friendly to MIL to her face, but I don't seek out any extra time with her. We will have SSs the Saturday before Mother's Day. DH should probably take them to see MIL that day, but I'm going to the dentist, so he can take them on his own.