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I released the hounds last night...

momjeans's picture

on DH.

He returned to work yesterday morning. The kids and I got up bright and early too. We went to Target to buy Christmas decorations and wrapping paper on clearance, make some exchanges, and buy some other needed things. 

Once we got home, I fed them lunch, took down the Christmas tree (it was so, SO dry this year), packed-up Christmas, cleaned the rest of the house and then took them to the park, because it was a sunny, warm 66 degrees out. 

By the time DH got home I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Just utterly exhausted mentally and physically. 

Making it through Christmas Day with his parents and skid at our house was all that I could offer him. An overwhelming feeling of being done, with it all - everything, hit me hard yesterday. 

We get the kids in bed and I tell him this. That THIS is the last year. That out of all the years we’ve been together, we’ve only had two together, without his parents, and that was because we lived across the US from them. That I was done with playing hostess and maid to these insufferable people. That I only did it because I loved him and I knew the emotional backlash he’d get if he told his codependent parents it was going to be just us and our two young children. 

He seemed genuinely sad, concerned, and apologetic... until he wasn’t.

He then turned victim mode on. Even slipped and told me that a few months ago he found out that BM had put an income inquiry in with the state. 

DH currently pays $600/mo, and it goes directly to skid’s school as that’s her monthly tuition cost. 

Huh? How in the world am I just now finding this out? “Why don’t you tell me these things?” I ask him.

He gets defensive and starts in on his usual digs. How he doesn’t share certain things with me because he knows it will anger me. How I blow things out of proportion. That things aren’t as they seem. That it’s all me and my false narriative. 

He then repeatedly tried to get me to go upstairs and to bed with him. I decline and stay downstairs on the couch. I cry myself to sleep after I text my best friend for emotional support and to confirm that I’m indeed NOT crazy for feeling the way I’m feeling. 

DH got up this morning. All sullen. Got the littles ready to go to the store, because we’re out of trash bags, and they’ve been gone for a couple hours. 

I wouldn’t put it past him to be meeting up with mommy and skid for breakfast, or something...

Comments

missginger's picture

I told my DH I was done entertaining his family after what happened at Thanksgiving and he was actually 100% in agreement with me! I kept my word and for XMAs we met them out at a restaurant. As for the not telling me stuff - I can relate. My DH keeps a lot from me and/or waits to tell me things. I truly believe him when he tells me he does it becuase he doesnt want that part of his life (his ex) spilling into our life. He wants out life to be complety void of the ex which in reality is impossible but I actually think its is sweet. (Especialy if it has to do with things that don't affect me or that I cant do anything about).

I have it very good compared to a lot of women on here. I never have to deal with BM directly. She doesnt cause us a lot of issues, she and DH stick to the visitation schedule and DH and I have to rarely utter her name.

I just know most men like to carry the burden alone. Did you ever wonder if he didnt tell you about the income inquiry? If it is his money not yours together he may have wanted to ride it out and tell you after it was all done.  

momjeans's picture

I’m not sure if he would have tried to ride it out, because I feel it would eventually be exposed anyway? 

What I do know is... DH (still) receives any and all mail in regards to the court order at his parent’s house. It’s quite difficult to be in the loop of things when he always finds a idiotic reason to not have mail sent to our home address that pertains to anything BM/skid.

We have separate AND joint accounts. 

DH is well aware of my “give me the truth, even if it’s shi**y” stance in life, too. 

2nd wives club's picture

Sorry he doesn't "get it" about his dysfunctional boundary stomping parents, and is withholding information.

We all know how fragile and sensitive we women folk can be /sarcasm.

Screw it, if he's not on board with your wish to not host his clan, then that's his problemo. It sucks that he's defensive about them and disagrees with you, but you're the one busting your ass every holiday. Stick to your guns and don't feel bad about setting these limits. I don't blame you one bit.

 

Gimlet's picture

Momjeans, the more I read of your blogs, the more I think just about all of the issues in your marriage are a result of your husband's dysfunctional upbringing, and subsequent inability to set boundaries.  

You have to release the hounds because he refuses to keep the wolves at bay.  

Has he ever had any counseling?  Does he see the dysfunction?

momjeans's picture

My therapist has told me numerous times that “DH is in the fog,” when it comes to his parents and upbringing.

He has. When we first met, and throughout dating, he was in therapy, going once a week. He really liked and clicked with his male therapist back in California and hated to leave that set-up.

We’ve been in our current state for almost 5 years and he has seen a therapist twice that I know of. 

In regards to his dysfunctional parents, it ebbs and flows when it comes to “seeing” it and really sitting with that reality. More than not, he gets super duper defensive if I even hint of any psychological unwellness, when it comes to his parents. It’s almost as if he knows something I do not and doesn’t want to share it with me. Especially when it comes to his father and his abhorrent behavior. 

somethingwicked's picture

I hope the hounds bit DH good and hard on his a$$ and other nether regions.

Seriously,your DH is a douche . Nothing has much changed to the betterment of your marriage/relationship as evidenced by your blog entries past and here.  It seems with your relationship it's always one step forward ,two or three back and you have to always wonder, guess and put more energy into  figuring out wtf the game plan is because he is  so secretive and covetous of any info dealing with the HoBag and the now 17 year old SD. Has it been 8 years ,momjeans?

 This will NEVER change unless he wants  it to ;and understands how destructive his secretive actions ,lying through omission, actually, is  to any trust or respect you may still have for him.

Change comes with insight,accepting and wanting to face his shortcomings and also fearing that he will lose  you,his marriage and the predictable security and  comfort that you bring to his exisistence MORE than he needs to placate his EX ,the controlling inlaws and emotionally manipulative skid. It's like he  has TWO marriages here. 

And such a little man boy thinking he could fix it all and make it better with sex.

As if....

Bad

momjeans's picture

You hit the nail on the head with:

He lies by omission, often, when it comes to anything skid related.

He’s scared sh*tless to lose me, because he knows I will walk  away one day.

He’s a man boy douche.

Skid just turned 13. So, that’s 5+ more years of this crap. 

somethingwicked's picture

Not scared enough to lose you b/c the mofo continues in the same dysfunctional vein.

I read in a comment above  he is not in therapy.He needs that .Make that your 2020 goal for him OR he may find this new year to be his last with you. I can't imagine how you  daily deal with this..so frustrating and counter productive for anyone's good long term mental health .

EDIT~oops..sorry I misread..yeah 13..LUCKY YOU ..Five More Years..and it does NOT get better in those emotional roller coaster hormonal years. 

And I concur with 2nd wives..you are far and away the best he'll ever do and he better get a clue.

Aniki's picture

Yet another H I would seriously like to give a kick in the arse with pointy-toed boots and full-on tailbone contact.

Big hugs for you, sweetness. xo

Iamwoman's picture

I can't get past that he tried to "woo" you immediately after yelling at you and acting like a sullen victim. Ew.

HCBD used to try that with me too. I'm always amazed at (is it just men or women too?)... we'll go with "people" who think that it's ok or even worse: exciting, to have sex after a fight!

Ummm, sex is an automatic "no" when there has been a fight and continues to be a "no" until I am no longer feeling angry and moreso, until I am able to once again feel tender toward my DH. Usually if we fight, it's because he has disgusted me or hurt me in some manner... there is absolutely NOTHING sexy about that!

As for Christmas, I know the IL's are toxic. That is a tough situation. My DH has a toxic mother too but he avoids her more than I do. On the same token, I don't think I could ban DH's parents. I would leave that up to him.

Would it be possible to tell DH that if he wants his parents there next year that he has to all of the work? The tree, decor, cooking, shopping, wrapping, stockings, clean up... all of it?

If not, then why don't you spend Christmas elsewhere next year while he hosts his parents?

The point is to avoid being abused by his toxic parents, but obviously he is not ready to sever that bond with them. He also seems unwilling to protect you or stand up to you, so you need to make it clear that while you respect his decision to maintain a bond with his parents, you will no longer place yourself in situations where you are verbally, mentally, emotionally, or psychologically abused by anyone, regardless of whether they are strangers or family.

Right now, it is easy for DH to invite his parents over because he doesn't understand the enormous amount of work that goes into Christmas.

side note: I was just telling my DH yesterday that Christmas seems to be some sort of general punishment for moms and wives, because men usually seem to float through the holidays without much thought or action. Women seem to be stuck doing all the work.

It should be DH's choice to cut his parents off at Christmas time, as they are his parents and his responsibility to manage.

What you DO have control over is where YOU spend Christmas, how much work YOU do for the holidays, etc.

Ive found that when I tell my DH that I am going elsewhere or that I will not be attending xyz event (he always knows if I like or dislike someone, so these decisions of mine are never a complete shocker), then DH usually seems to magically step up to the plate and do what's best for me to keep me in his company.

It is frustrating that sometimes we need to be prepared to walk away before our spouse will stop being so lazy and apathetic with their (insert toxic person here), but it is one tactic that always works for me. It's win-win too: either you spend Christmas elsewhere and are not abused, or DH makes his own choice to uninvite his parents and you are not abused.

One more thing: remember to say this if DH suddenly decides to uninvite his parents in order to keep you from leaving on Christmas, "DH, if you are going to change your plans, then I want to know that this is what you really want. I do not want you to pretend this is somehow MY decision, or to throw this back in my face or resent me. Especially on Christmas Day. I am completely prepared to have a wonderful Christmas elsewhere. I want a wonderful Christmas. I understand how important your parents are to you, so I will not resent you one bit if you decide to stay here and have Christmas with them. I am responsible for my own decisions and have made peace with my choices. Whatever decision you make is yours. However if you decide you would rather spend Christmas with me, I expect that you will be happy and cheerful with your decision and not ruin Christmas for me. Otherwise, I will not be able to trust that any of your future decisions are genuine."

thinkthrice's picture

shouting, defending a mini-spouse and acting like a victim is sooooo sexy!!!  NOT!

Siemprematahari's picture

Release the hounds and set boundaries ASAP. Just because they are his parents doesn't mean you have to deal with their toxic BS. Stop making it easy on your H by hosting his parents. I'd book a trip or go someplace else next year and leave it up to H if he wants to join or not. Do not give him options, just do it. If he can't take you and your needs into consideration I'm afraid outside of leaving the marriage you will have to just do what makes you happy. 

momjeans's picture

My favorite part about her income inquiry was that she put down she only made 8k/year.

I call BS.

BM is listed as a co-owner of her family’s greasy spoon restaurant, she drives the newest model BMW, and spends a fortune on her nails, hair, etcetera. 

I laughed and laughed and laughed when DH told me that’s what she’s claiming. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I’d not tolerate my DH receiving mail elsewhere. Such secrecy wouldn’t work for me. If he received mail at his parents, he would have to move in with his parents.