I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality
... because of DH’s and my in-laws behavior.
Skid JUST showing-up (early) for Christmas visitation? Turns out BM took it upon herself to just book the fight, without coordinating it with DH or his parents, sending skid on her merry way. A quick phone call to the in-laws to pick skid up at the airport, and BM is good to go.
In regards to court-ordered visitation: BM has made herself unreachable. Has not, and will not respond to email/text/phone calls. Must me nice to live in her own universe where no one holds her accountable.
Adding to the trifecta of BS, DH conveniently misplaced the court order hard copy when we moved cross country. Who the eff does that!?
DH spends $50 (I saw it on our bank statement) to get a few replacement hard copies of the order sent to him. DH STILL has his effing mail sent to his parent’s address (because receiving mail to a locked mailbox here at our condo within a gated community is “risky”), and he mysteriously never receives this piece of mail. This ONE piece. What are the odds, right!? I’m 99% positive it was tossed in the trash by my in-laws, because DH enforcing the court order is damaging to poor little child of divorce skid. His parents claim “Nope, we haven’t seen a piece of mail from the state of ________.” And he believes them.
2012 Court order states skid spends Christmas with DH every other (odd) year. This may be our year to have skid here, but this Christmas marks the 5th YEAR IN A ROW she has flown 2000+ miles to spend 3 weeks here.
I put my foot down, again, this year, like I did last year, but for different circumstances, and my in-laws cry “momjeans is ruining Christmas! Wahhhhh!”
I.do.not.care.
DH informs me that I’m making something out of nothing. That I’m playing tit for tat. That his parents want to see our children enjoy Christmas with skid... blah blah blah. When I explain how this is just the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to the year round boundary crossing, dysfunction, codependency, and enabling - he states I’m just set on being miserable.
What I am hearing is my own damn husband trying to tell me I have no control over who and where I will spend my holiday with. Is it just me, or is he enforcing their boundary crossing and emotional abuse? I feel like I’m losing grip with reality and my emotional well-being is taking a nose dive at neck breaking speed.
- momjeans's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Totally boundary crossing.
Totally boundary crossing. You have the right to know (and control as far as a co is concerned) where who and when you will be enjoying your holidays. Tired of this suck it up buttercup attitude when it comes to SMs and thieir annoying enabling inlaws! How old is your skid?
Thanks pixielady. Skid is
Thanks pixielady.
Skid is 11.
So she's been flying 2000
So she's been flying 2000 miles by herself since she was six? Our BM won't let SS fly by himself till he's 13, which means DH has to go down and pick him up and fly him back. So fun and great use of $ instead of getting the cheaper airline attendant accompaniment.
With no support from DH's family and BM pulling a disappearing act, it's a tough situation to be in!
So so tired of this poor COD treatment. The COD's needs/wants before anyone's, and if SM says anything, she's a big ole meanie. The only solution I can see is if DH grows a backbone, but that would entail enraging the inlaws and villianizing you (again).
It varies. Skid has done
It varies. Skid has done direct flight, but usually BM’s Mom or my MIL or FIL will fly out to the west coast to fly back with her.
But... my FIL cannot leave the state, currently. If you look a little back into my blog, you’ll see that my FIL got a DUI/child endangerment charge last summer. He got in a slow moving car vs tree accident with skid in the backseat, one morning. }:)
"Our BM won't let SS fly by
"Our BM won't let SS fly by himself till he's 13.."
Is it in your CO that ss can't fly alone or unaccompanied until he's 13? Most courts will allow a child to travel as an unaccompanied minor as young as 4 or 5 years old. It may be worth the time and money to go back to court to get this adjusted and enforced.
The CO doesn't mention
The CO doesn't mention anything about it. Will mention to DH about getting a change so BM has to allow precious SS to fly alone.
If BM was gone you would see
If BM was gone you would see skid for every holiday no matter what. When you marry a man with kids that is always a possibility. If this is your year to have her anyway I don't know how you can put your foot down.
But she's not gone. I know
But she's not gone. I know that if BM dies, then SS is coming to live with us, and I think momjeans knows that too. She just wants the co followed, but her DH doesn't.
I understand that, but BM is
I understand that, but BM is alive and kicking, unfortunately. One thing at a time, MrsZipper.
I put my foot down because BM never responded to DH’s letter and email regarding sticking to visitation duration. There’s always a week + tacked on there, even if it means skid misses school.
BM may very well want skid out of her sight, but that doesn’t mean I need my MIL riding my arse because skid is here all of a sudden.
Curious...how do they think
Curious...how do they think you are ruining Christmas? The child already there right?
Because I’m the outspoken
Because I’m the outspoken one. I’m the person who is vocal in regards to DH’s parents not enabling BM to go against the court order. I’m always equally upset, if not more, with DH that allows it too.
My in-laws always snap back that they “really aren’t allowing it, they just want everyone to be happy.”
The fact that I’m the dissenter makes me the evil person who “ruins” Christmas. It’s just verbal, emotional rubbish they throw at DH. It’s their way of trying to hurt DH.
Meaning they want to be happy
Meaning they want to be happy and they want skid to be happy (is she happy knowing her mom pawns her off every Christmas?). No one seems concerned about your happiness here.
EXACTLY, pixielady. Thank
EXACTLY, pixielady.
Thank you!
So did you or Dh ever go over
So did you or Dh ever go over and get kid, or is she still at MIL's?
As a grandmother, I would be good with getting to have and host my grandkid for three weeks if my son didn't want (or couldn't have) the kiddo at his home.
I'm curious though. Would it have made any real difference (about how you feel about the visit) if DH would have told you clear back say six weeks ago that his daughter was flying in on the 14th at 10am? Or the 16th? The 20th? The 23rd?
Five years? So that would have been three odd years (which were his scheduled visit years) and two which would not have been. Why not just be good with on the 'even' years letting MIL take and have her the visit duration if BM wants to send her and MIL is willing. On the 'odd' years, Dh, you and MIL work it out as to how much time at each house.
I think most men would be happy to have their long distance daughter/son every year (heck most of them likely every day of the year), but if it doesn't work for you, just tell GMa to have at it on and don't involve your home. You're under no obligation to have your SD if Dad isn't going to be home. Does he take any vacation time during his holiday allowance of having his daughter?
DH co-owns a very busy,
DH co-owns a very busy, popular local restaurant. He works 6 days a week with little to no downtime.
Skid goes back and forth between our home and the in-law’s home.
My MIL is passive-aggressive with me, every Christmas visitation. With a 2 and 4 year old, I feel I am entitled to not be subjected to that BS stress, every damn year, giving me an off year to fully relax and focus on my littles.
MIL never recovered from DH’s divorce. She also secondhandedly suffers from child of divorce syndrome via skid.
My MIL used to do the whole
My MIL used to do the whole mail opening thing. DH had a check to give to BM for some extras. It was in an envelope marked with BM’s name on it, but BM was not home at pick up, so DH didn’t leave it. At the time, DH was staying with MIL when he had the kids, so put the envelope with his keys and wallet on the counter at MIL’s house. Later, the envelope was found ripped open and put up on a high shelf, so it wasn’t one of SSs who opened it. DH has also not received mail related to Skids, but then MIL miraculously knows info from docs that would have been in the missing mail.
Also, I’m now ruining Christmas, because I a) didn’t want to go over to MIL’s for breakfast so we can all open presents together or b) allow MIL to show up at my house before SSs arrive (DH cannot pick them up from BM’s until 10am), so MIL can be there when they arrive and we could all open presents together. I told DH that I wanted her to arrive at noon, so that the four of us (me, DH, and SSs) could pretend that we are an actual family and open presents together as a family before MIL arrives. Granted this is just SSs opening presents from me and DH, since SSs never even make an attempt at gifts. MIL does not drive down to BIL’s house to open gifts all together as a family and did not do that when DH and BM were married, but somehow feels like she should be allowed to do that because I’m not SSs’ mother. It’s hard enough for us to become a single family unit, why is it so terrible for me to want us to do family things together just the four of us, in the hopes that maybe someday we might sort of feel like a family. Also, DH and I are spending Christmas Eve with MIL and then Christmas Day with DH’s entire family, so why is it terrible that I want some time without her at some point over those two days!!!
My new tag line should be - “Stepmothers - ruining Christmas since the dawn of time.”
I'll drink to that new tag
I'll drink to that new tag line....priceless :0
I love that tag line.
I love that tag line.
strugglingSM, I’ve always felt out in-law dealings were extremely similar, in a painfully crappy way.
Start planning your Next
Start planning your Next Christmas on your own terms. Maybe take a vacation somewhere warm.
FYI your inlaws are crossing boundaries by involving themselves with BM in this way.
They should not reply to her, only DH should.
As a Grandmother myself, I would never disrespect my adult kids by coordinating anything with their ex spouse. NOT my place. We love our Grandchild very much !!
We don't play but we wannnnntttttt to see the Grandchild crap. They need to stop acting like babies for goodness sake.
Bio parent first ie dh THAT is where their loyalty must be.
NOT BM and her dump the kid off at the airport garbage.
JMO
Thank you, Goodluck! So much
Thank you, Goodluck! So much realtalk here.
These are my feelings exactly!
I’m stuck with the step child
I’m stuck with the step child full-time. Every.single.day. Eight years now. Be grateful that you’re not in my shoes. Three weeks here and there sounds like heaven to me.
I understand. It would suck
I understand. It would suck balls, and I AM very thankful that I am not in that position,
but...
given the fact that BM fought for full custody - was awarded primary, works 3-4 days a week at her parent’s restaurant - while most likely making close to what my DH does, has both parents and brothers to relieve her of all that hard momming (both my parents are deceased - I have zero relief) - I have a problem, a HUGE one, with BM getting off so easily just putting skid on a plane because she doesn’t want her harshing her Christmas morning vibe.
DH claims he’s going to proverbially nail BM’s butt to a court wall, but that remains to be seen. In the meantime, I’m giving up precious time, literal time and mental headspace to skid being here when she should not be.
How often does she come out?
How often does she come out?
So odd the mom does not want her kid ever for Christmas. Weird BM.
Summer and Christmas
Summer and Christmas visitation. Every year.
Court order is 8 weeks in the summer, but it always end up being close to 12 weeks. Christmas visitation is always close to 3 weeks.
This year and last year, DH attempted to coordinate travel and visitation duration. BM went radio silent, then BAM, skid is here for Christmas. My in-laws are almost just as bad as BM in all of this. It’s no secret they withhold info from DH, so he can not intervene.
I don’t get it. There’s no way I’d feel okay not waking up with my child on Christmas morning, many years in a row. It’s weird.
The mail thing is crazy
The mail thing is crazy (getting it sent to the parents house!). As a side note, I like your writing style. I can feel the pain of the situation.
It’s maddening. And thank
It’s maddening. And thank you.
I do not care what BM does
I do not care what BM does with her time, when it comes down to it. I was offering a contrast between the two situations, and the fact that there is no real need for skid to be gone and away from BM every single Christmas holiday. With that said, since in-laws are going over DH’s head, when it is not his year to have skid on Christmas Eve/day, the responsibility should not be laid at my feet - especially through guilt trip and passive-aggressive dialogue from MIL.
If my in-laws had plans, like they were going to take skid to the beach or to visit family out of town in our state, I would lean towards seeing this to be okay. What I am not okay with, is finding out skid is here, then asked when she can come over. It doesn’t work that way. Obviously, I need to remind some people that I am disengaged, because BM is extremely high conflict should the wild hair rise.
It’s also not a matter of DH being “unwilling” to keep the child. He works 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week. It is physically impossible for him to keep any child while working.
Tell the in laws...kid is
Tell the in laws...kid is only at my house when his dad is home. Period.
Oh, I have. The things I hear
Oh, I have. The things I hear about me because of it. Haha.
If it makes you feel any
If it makes you feel any better, my MIL sounds just like yours. What a mess!
Thanks. They’re an
Thanks. They’re an insufferable bunch. It’s draining. I come from a big, normal family. Haha.
There's a couple different
There's a couple different issues going on here. While in-laws are being supportive, they are overstepping due to being given some control by an overworked DH. SD has four parents not two.
With the BM:
- she doesn't respect the CO for visitation therefore she won't respect it for other things. Needs to answer communication from DH in regards to the SD, often this is written into the CO
- sends SD to DH all summer vacay and Christmas (this is me as well). Firstly, she doesn't appear to want to spend time with SD or is putting her own needs first
BM's self-centered attitude is being enabled by in-laws as they want to see SD, it would not surprise me if they had offered this to BM. None of them are respecting yourself or DH and are putting their own wants first. DH needs to set boundaries but as he is overworked he can't give it the energy it needs and will avoid the situation. And you are stuck in the middle. I feel for you.
Thank you, thank you,
Thank you, thank you, Valkyrie.
You nailed every angle.
BM is **extremely** self-centered, pretend MOTY, GUBM type. My in-laws are “yes men” pleaser types, partly because it fluffs their featherbed and makes them look like the perfect family to the outside world. In reality, it’s a covert narcissist, a flying monkey, a codependent black sheep, and my DH the golden child. My MIL smiles at me through gritted teeth. Several backfired attempts to scapegoat me later, they’re finally catching on to the fact that I will not bend to their will - and my MIL hates it.
Moderator edit
Moderator edit
Why doesn't bm want to see
Why doesn't bm want to see her child during holidays/summers when there is no school?
Summers and holidays ARE the best times to be with your kids.
Guess she is one of those.....
BM is totally one of those
BM is totally one of those moms...