You are here

Feeling betrayed by SO

MomandSMofSix's picture

I did something last night I never ever do. Ever. I snooped through SO's phone while he was in the shower. Not looking for websites or links or some sort of hints that he's cheating. I knew what I was looking for and went straight to his conversation with his Ex wife. SO and I have a lot of trust issues regarding their "relationship" and something he wouldn't tell me last week sparked my curiosity.

Well I was hurt, to say the least. He says they never text except about the kids, but there are multiple conversations about other things. In it she does what she always does, run her mouth about me nonstop saying litreally WHATEVER she wants... but SO does nothing to correct her. Etc etc. But the worst part?? They continually refers to me as "her", not just ex wife, but SO as well! like I'm some sort of side chick who's name should not be mentioned!

I'm feeling extremely hurt and bitter about this and when confronted about it the only thing SO can focus on is that I snooped through his phone! I didn't realize at our age and our relationship status that looking through each others phones was a big deal. He peeps through mine on the regular!

So now I'm feeling like there's still more to their "relationship" than he's willing to admit and I can't help but feel betrayed...

Comments

MineAndYours's picture

I think your relationship is in serious trouble. My SO and I always share phones...why would it be a big deal?

And he has to defend you..period. No matter what. You are the one in his life now..not his ex. If he refuses to see the light is time to change the bulb!

I know all that advice is easier said than done though..no one wants to be faced with making the ultimate decision when it comes to a relationship where you love someone. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Just remember to put yourself first..YOU have to be happy.

Hugs to you and hope you can work things out!

Snowflake's picture

Oh hells no!

First of all he is gaslighting you. He is trying to put the focus on the fact that you looked through his phone. I went through something similar.

I took my dh's crap and took dh's crap until I didn't. It stopped when I had realized that I needed to really learn to love myself. So I started to love myself and not focus on him at all. I realized that his lack of boundaries was an issue for me, his hidden conversation are an issue for me.

When I blew up, he started the same crap that your du is doing. Getting mad at me for snooping. Instead of arguing with him, I owned it. I told him that I didn't trust him and that I will always look through everything. i told him that he can look through any of my things, because I have nothing to hide. He complied.

When we were in counseling I finally told him that I love myself more then I love him. That I will not put up with any more crap and from now on it is the me show with total transparency or he is welcome to walk out the door. I did tell him that if he walked out there was absolutely no looking back.

Our counselor then worked with us on bounderies. I have strict bounderies. No opposite sex friends, no texting, no calls, no social media with opposite sex friends or exes. I then laid out that he is not to talk with his ex without me present and all corresponance is to be looked at by us.

He has been a dream to live with since I learned to love myself first and foremost. It is then I can make someone else happy. Please work on yourself and don't put up with someone who is putting a relationship with his ex above yours

Merry's picture

Yep. Similar situation happened to me. My DH did his best to rationalize, make excuses, justify, BLAME ME for his bad behavior. If your DH can make you feel a little bit crazy, you will start to question yourself and will then back off, and then he can continue to do whatever he wants to do because YOU are the crazy one. And you start to believe it. Don't go there.

Boundaries with his ex-wife go into place NOW. And if he doesn't respect your boundaries, what will you DO? Think about what you need, it doesn't matter how he reacts, but if he can't give you what you need, well, then you've learned something about him. If he'd rather piss of you than his ex, you've got a real problem. Write out what you need from him if you need to, practice saying it calmly, and it shouldn't be a long conversation with your DH. You're not engaging in blame or negotiation. You are simply telling him what you need, and how you need to be loved. Assuming your boundaries are reasonable (communication with the BM about the children ONLY, for example), there is nothing to discuss.

A husband cherishes and protects his wife. Lots of our DHs need to learn what that means.

robin333's picture

So you have been objectified by DM and DH. Hell no, I would not tolerate that at all. Time to lay out the law/boundaries and what is completely unacceptable to you.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I've snooped many times and I don't apologize for it. I've always snooped when my little hairs would stand up on the back of my neck and my spidey tense tingled. I've never not found something when I snooped. Never ever not once. I busted my husband cheating on me while preggars. My next relationship I hope to one day snoop and find that he loves, loves, loves me. No selfies to BM. No video diaries that BM made in her bedroom and sent to SO that he saved on the laptop I bought him. No flirty facebook private messages. No trips to Atlanta to see another woman. No rendevous in hotel rooms. I always find something HORRIBLE. They always act guilty and suspicious and give me the "you better not ever invade my privacy speech" instead of the "you can look through my phone and computer anytime" speech and then i know. And then I look. and here I am single.