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breaking point ... :(

MomandSMofSix's picture

I love reading all these posts and learning that I am not alone and not some CRAZY, super mean B*tch! Smile on that note ...

The Skids are coming for the 3rd weekend in a row and so OF COURSE I'm already starting my Thursday night ritual of panicking and anxiety over: what am I going to cook (EXTREMELY picky eaters), are they going to be whiny and cranky because they have to be here again, are they going to do something THIS time to finally push me to my breaking point, and as always, how much are my SO and I going to argue and how many times is he going to tell me to relax or calm down or get mad at me for getting mad about something, this weekend.

My own children often get on my nerves (OBVIOUSLY lol, I have two youngs boys), and more so these days because I am 30 weeks pregnant with the hardest pregnancy of my life and SUPER anxious and uncomfortable. But SS13 and SD12 sure take the cake of getting under my skin... and it seems the longer their father and I are together, the less they like me, and the feeling is mutual.

I have been with my SO for just over 2 years and we have lived together for a year. I rarely spent time with his children before I moved in, however I'm sort of forced into getting to know them, as they spend Fri sat and Sundays with us. of course every blended family has bumps along the way, and it took me a bit but I have been bringing my issues to my SO's attention as of late with the hopes that things will change for the better before our daughter arrives in June.

I've talked with SO, seen a therapist and relayed mesgs to SO from therapist on things we could do, even brought him to see my therapist to find out first hand that my issues are not unreasonable or something we cannot work on with his kids. My problem is NOTHING gets through to him. He listens but just kind of nods his head to end the discussion. Or he'll defend Skids...

For instance, I expect my 5 and 7 1/2 year old to clean their own room up, put away anything they may take out, put their own dishes in the sink after eating, they even get themselves Cereal in the morning. They are polite and are expected to show respect to all adults and use please and thank you regularly. Seems simple, and it is. My SO has NO problem with MY children following said rules, he even enforces them... his kids on the other hand...

SS13 and SD12 still need him to run the shower or a bath for them (my 7 year old can do it alone) and then leave their dirty clothes all over the floor, spilled shampoos or soaps in the tub, and EVERY time the ENTIRE bathroom floor is soaked! SS13 cannot seem to do a thing for himself. He will text his dad at 730 am to get up and make him breakfast. Sit and wait for it, then hand his dishes to his dad to put in the sink. Leaves empty drinks or things like butter or Ketchup sitting out all day. He'll pout in his room if him and I are fighting and will text his dad to "come here" if he has something to say or needs something.

SD12 is a little more independent but a freakin entitled SLOB. Helps herself to WHAT EVER she wants WHENEVER she wants. Including MY things in MY bedroom. Leaves a huge mess everywhere she goes. Clothes all over her room (which SO cleans up), empty cups or soda cans in every room of the house, and eats ALL THE TIME. Not just snacks either! I spent $100 on Chinese food for the 6 of us and after his kids ravaged it and went to their rooms without so much as a thank you, my kids and myself picked over the leftovers and I put the rest in the fridge for lunch the next day. All that to go find that little miss entitled had snuck into the fridge in the midle of the night and eaten another full meals worth! LeaVing almost none!

SO and myself argue about these things often. I informed him that this house is not a free for all, if Skids want something, they can ask, as my children do. He tells me it's hard for them to break their habit of helping themselves. I say they need to clean up their room, he sneaks in and does it and says it's no big deal cus they don't live here full time. I say they can make their own Cereal or Bagels in the morning and he gets up and makes it for them, or a big full breakfast complete with waffles and eggs etc. He has an excuse for everything I expect from them or he'll just go do it himself. He feels I am too uptight, or strict, or hard on them, but when they aren't here he fully enforces the same rules with my children.

I honestly feel like he feels I have raised my children right and so he will continue to raise them in said manner because he doesn't want more lazy, rude, mouthy, entitled children (he appreciates how well behaved and respectful mine are)... and that his are too far gone to change now. I just don't know how to get through to him. He does listen to me and does try to enforce some of the things that really bother me, but he usually never sticks with it...

I love this man to death! He is an amazing father and a genuinely kind and good person. He goes out of his way to make me happy... so I WILL NOT allow devil Skids to bring us apart (especially since NOTHING in the world would make them happier) but I'm at a loss... and the stress is making my pregnancy harder ...

Comments

MomandSMofSix's picture

Lol I understand what you're saying completey and a lot of the reason they are the way they are is their BM. what I meant by that is: his ex makes it quite difficult for him to be the good guy. He sees his children 5 times a week and still misses them the other 2. He does whatever he can to be at their games and school events. Makes sure they have everything they need. And still manages to go out of his way for myself and my children on a daily basis. My ex only sees my boys once every 2 weeks for one night, so my SO goes out of his way to make them feel loved and taken care of and show them a stable happy home.

He let's his kids walk all over him because that is the way his ex has trained them to be. Just like she's trained them to think I'm the devil. He's slowly but surely getting a backbone. His biggest problem is he tries to make everyone happy and he's stretched to thin.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Well we live I n separate states so he drives to see them tues and Thursday nights for a cpl hours and then we take them Fri sat and Sundays... I understand he is certainly partly to blame. He's a big pushover, which comes from BM berating him and walkING all over him and manipulating him for 20 years.

hereiam's picture

Oh yes, he is an amazing father. Um, no.

Kids learn, at a very young age, what they can get away with, with whom and where.

I don't care what my SD's BM told her or how she trained her, SD knew what my DH would and would not put up with. Because that's how HE trained her.

I don't care what she got away with at her mother's or what she did or didn't do as far as cleaning her room there, SD knew what was expected of her at our house and she damn well did it. She came here to a spotless room and she knew it had better look the same when she left. She could make a mess in her weekends but she would also clean it up.

Maybe she helped herself to whatever she wanted at her mother's, but she asked at our house.

My DH made his daughter breakfast, I didn't care about that, it was the respectfulness that I cared more about. She did not expect him to make her breakfast, she did not act entitled. She didn't even ask him to, he just enjoyed doing it. Had he told her to fix herself a bowl of cereal or whatever, she would have. I can guarantee you, had she texted my DH to make her breakfast, he would have laughed and laughed. Had she texted him anything while in the same house, he would have laughed.

A person treats you however you allow them to treat you. Your SO allows all of this behavior, you cannot blame that on BM. These are behaviors, not ingrained personality traits.

They are not too far gone, your SO just doesn't want to do anything about it and probably has always parented this way, you just didn't know it because you did not spend much time with them before moving in.
Big mistake.

I knew, I watched, how my DH was with his daughter. After we moved in together, no matter how BM tried to poison SD against him or me, he never put up with any bullshit from her. He never changed how he parented her. He was never afraid to be the "bad guy". That just comes with being a parent.

Your SO makes excuses for his kids and you make excuses for your SO. The two of you need to change the expectations for your home. It can be done.

oneoffour's picture

He is amazingly lazy. Sorry sweetie but you moved in with a man who has his kids often enough for them to be a fixture in the house yet you hardly knew them.

The problem isn't the kids, it is your husband who ALLOWS his kids to behave like this. Either you change his attitude or learn to live with it. And no one has every been made a saint for making the stepkids their favourite meal at great personal sacrifice to yourself. Why not tell DH that he is in charge of getting his kids fed. Or tell the kids THEY make their OWN dinner.

oneoffour's picture

He is amazingly lazy. Sorry sweetie but you moved in with a man who has his kids often enough for them to be a fixture in the house yet you hardly knew them.

The problem isn't the kids, it is your husband who ALLOWS his kids to behave like this. Either you change his attitude or learn to live with it. And no one has every been made a saint for making the stepkids their favourite meal at great personal sacrifice to yourself. Why not tell DH that he is in charge of getting his kids fed. Or tell the kids THEY make their OWN dinner.

Betrayd's picture

The only thing I've learned that has saved my sanity any bit is this: IT IS MY HOUSE, I AM THE ADULT AND I WILL NOT CATER TO CHILDREN. Period. I will be nice, and cordial and caring, but they will not rule my house. The day I let them, it's over. The last few years have sucked tremendously because I catered to their whims trying to get them to like me...trying to build a relationship with bat shit crazy BMs. It drove me insane. They have to realize it is your home. Just what I've learmed that works for me, but it's your home...

goodwitch's picture

Stop cooking when they are there--period. I did that for the picky eater and it has been wonderful--he shops and cooks and cleans up when they are over. You pregnant use it to your advantage-- get him to shop, cook and clean for his kids and just ignore it and them--shut the door to their room and whatever you need to to do--disengage now. Start going to family and friends to dinner, movies whatever for a few weeks so it is all him when they are there. Make it simple pack a picnic and you and your kids just leave and do your dinner elsewhere.

Do not touch one dish, sock anything for his kids. Starting today--I know it will be hard you're nesting right now but do it however you need to.

The eater--put locks on fridge and cabinets. Tell DH it is to help SD with eating disorder. If this doesn't work hide it the best you can or make him shop. Get a lock on your bedroom installed today and lock it daily to keep her out of your stuff. Then sit back and watch--use the mantra they are not your and not your responsibility.