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mom23ms's picture

I hope the StepTalk Community doesn't mind that I am still here even though I recently left my SO. But this community has helped me in so many ways when it came to dealing with not only my SO at the time but his three daughters. I just really feel comfortable with this community still.

So here it goes....One would think since I made the decision to leave my SO because of the sitiuation with his kids I would be happy and all my stress and troubles would disappear because I didn't have to deal with SO's out of control daughters and their disrespect. Howevever, since I have left I have had to deal with some issues I wasn't really prepared to deal with or even expected.

Before exSO and I because a "couple" we had been good friends for about 2 years prior. When I say friends, we were really good friends. We would do things like go to the movies, have dinner, amusement parks, stuff like that. But it was just on a friend level. There were no benefits like that. We decided to move things to the next level and I didn't just move in with him and BAM we were a blended family. We did it very slowly and I introduced my kids to him and his children slowly and they just immediately took to SO. And he took to them immediately. I never involved my kids nor would I have if I wasn't sure that he was the one and we weren't really serious.

I knew that his children lacked discipline but they took to me and my kids well. Even now they want to see my kids and me to move back (but that is probably because everything I did for my kids, I did for them too and they had it really good.) I did get frustrated to the point for my own sanity I had to leave the situation and remove kids from it also. I thought if I left then perhaps that would give SO and the kids one on one time and quality time to work on their issues (which they had way before I came into the picture.) That pretty much backfired because his kids refuse to abide by any rules and they refuse to go see SO because they know they will be punished for their actions. As of now, they are still very nasty, disrespectful to him and won't come over.

Here is the problem...My exSO and I remained friends. We were really great friends in the begining and he was there when I needed someone and vice versa. I do not involve my kids in this and he doesn't involve his kids in our friendship because I don't want my kids to be confused right now since everything is so new and still up in the air. HOWEVER, my eldest daughter is so distraught over moving. She took to him and he really took to her. My kids are not perfect (no kids are) but they were taught to respect and if they were out of line, there were consequences (something SO's kids never were taught.) My two kids are now wanting to desperately to move back. Especially my daughter. I find it kinda odd because my children (I have three) see their dad regularly and have a great relationship with him and even with my EX...we have a great relationship.

I guess I didn't realize how this would affect MY own kids. I never in a million years thought they would be more sad about my SO then their own father and our divorce. My SO has taken to my kids and loves them like they were his own. He would prefer to be with mine then his very own. My SO wants my kids. However I can not go back to the situation or even enterain the idea of involving my kids again until he sets his kids straight. I don't expect and overnight miracle with his kids, but the needs to stick to his guns. He swore this would happen but he has said it in the past. I told him that he had to PROVE it to me and actions speak louder then words.

There needs to be counseling on both his ends and with his kids. I don't want my kids to learn his kids behavior. Because I REFUSE to let my kids tell me to "shut up or F You!" I don't want them to think it's okay (his kids are older then mine.)

Sorry to make this so long...just so confused. I miss my SO very much. He was so good to me and so good to my kids. My kids never expected anything from him especially financially. He would just spend time with him. He would buy my kid a 99 cent icecream and they thought it was wonderful, with his...they would yell because it wasn't a $500 sundae. Stuff like that....

Bottom line..I can't cave. I can't put myself back in that position nor my kids (even though they CRY to go back.) Because exSO and I love each other and miss each other. Until something is done or attempted then I can't come back. But then again, how can I even come back or even try to work on things on my end with him and his kids if his kids who live only a half mile away REFUSE to come over? What do you do?


Unfreakingreal's picture

You stay away. Your kids will get over it. They always do. Don't put yourself back in a bad situation. His kids will probably NEVER get straight and that's not really your problem. YOUR kids are your priority and even though they may be freaking out right now because of the sudden change they will be better off in the long run. The last thing you want is your kids picking up the Skids bad manners & habits. I'd seriously keep away from the So for a while too. It's probably confusing the hell outta you as well.
Best of Luck...

Jsmom's picture

I understand the frustration. My son is the only reason I stayed when things got so ugly. He didn't want to move out. I have another home up the road, so it wasn't about the school and friends it was about DH. I stayed and we are a lot better now. But, I am just giving my opinion here so take it for what it is worth, if I got out of this blended family mess, I would stay out. That said, I would desperately miss my DH, but I wouldn't miss BM from hell or an ingrateful SD and SS with with anti-social behavior.

You need to weigh what is best for everyone long term. Will the SK's stay away, probably not. Will DH step up and be an effective parent, probably not. Will you learn to forgive the Step's, probably not.

You need to decide what is in you and your kids best interest here. Good luck...