Should I step back from the step teen?
Hi everyone,
I'm new here but I'm at my wits end and don't know what else to do.
A bit of background. I have been with my partner for 18 months. There is a bit of an age gap (I'm in my thirties and childless) and he has two kids from his previous marriage, SS18 and SD15.
SD lives with Mum and SS lives with us. This is where the problems come in.
When we first got together, SS was polite, smart, doing well at school. Then he discovered partying with alcohol and drugs and things started to fall apart. He finished school 4 months ago, barely works, and eats his way through the food and now the alcohol in the house. During the quarantine, he got stuck into bad habits and would stay up all night playing video games (and eating and drinking everything) and sleep through the day while we cleaned up after him. I know he is smoking cannabis in his room too.
My partner is a very relaxed parent and lets him get away with everything. There are no consequences for any behaviour.
SS doesn't contribute financially to the household in any way, despite being nearly 19. My partner and I share the bills for everything.
Recently, we discovered that he has been winning money through his gaming, as well as being paid financial aid during the crisis. My partner and I have been struggling with hugely depleted incomes, yet we are still paying hundreds in bills every week. SS is bringing home more a week than we are!! My partner finally caved in to my demands that he charge the kid rent, and now they have agreed to 100 a week. For everything, including phone, internet, food, beer etc. But the "rent" goes to my partner and not to me.
I feel so petty over everything now. As you can imagine, there have been arguments between my partner and me, and the strain is starting to show. I'm just so frustrated all the time! I have been reading about disengaging and stepping back from trying to be a parent... which sounds great in theory, but I find it difficult to hold my opinions in when I can see this man child disrespecting his father and our living space.
More than that, how can I disengage from the situation when it's my money that's being burned through as well?!
All I can think of is coming up with almost a business proposition where I pay a third of everything... but that sounds so serious when my partner and I have been quite relaxed about who buys this week's groceries etc.
What do you all think? If I can't let go of this, I feel like I have to leave. I don't think SS is going anywhere anytime soon because he has everything handed to him on a plate. I need to stop feeling so angry about it or I will end up telling my partner he has to choose between us.
Any advice would be appreciated 
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Comments
Welcome to the site!
I am very much not in favour of young adults living in a household with no expectations on them to contribute to the household in terms of work and money. I don't think 100 a week adequately reflects all of SS's expenses. You seem quite reluctant to put finances on a more formal footing - in my opinion this is a mistake. Personally I have never had any joint accounts with DH in the 18 yrs we've been together, and I would advise you to separate finances and contribute on what you feel is a fair basis to shared expenses.
Then there is your SS's lifestyle. I don't think winning money through gaming is a valid career choice, and if he is to stay with you for the moment then he needs to get a respectable job. I see you're in Australia where I believe the Covid19 situation is not so bad, so if it were me I'd give SS a deadline for getting a job and then a place of his own. He's an adult now and if he is not treated as one, there is no incentive for him to be one, is there? If your partner is unwilling to make any changes regarding policy to do with his son, then I do think it is indeed time for you to consider leaving.
Yes, your partner should pay
Yes, your partner should pay for 2/3 and you pay for 1/3 of all expenses, if you don't have a joint account. If you do, then the rent money is benefiting you anyway.
You also can speak up when he's disrespecting your home - it's your home, too. As for him disrespecting his father, that's his father's job to speak up.
You can also make clear to your partner that you there needs to be a time frame for departure, once the lockdowns are over.
Ill agree and add...
Absolutely treat this as a business proposition - that way it will be taken more seriously.
This manchild is not YOUR manchild, therefore you have no legal or emotional connection. Many parents feel guilty for divorcing and try to make up for it in being lax on the kids. You do not need to do this!
So - try logging what he eats and how much is spent on bills. Thats a good place to start. Have a "family meeting" and discuss this with both of them. Treat him like an adult, a roomate, because that is what he is.
Ive lived for a LOOOOOONG time in roommate situations. Everyone chips in for rent and bills, and common areas are kept clean.
Let him know how much things cost. Then do the asking. Ask for that money. I hesitate to recomend that you discuss all this ahead of time with your SO. Because he is charging rent, but you do not get the $$ for your share. So - not only is your SO shortchanging YOU on bills and food and sundries, but you are being double shortchanged in rent! Do the math. Here in the US a houseshare is room, kitchen priviledges, sometimes internet/cable. The rest is divvied. AND NOT TO INCLUDE FOOD AND BEVERAGES! NOR SUNDRIES.
If you cant get the manchild to pony up, and your SO will not give you the $$, then definitely cut your losses and get out of dodge.
If there is no way to
If there is no way to separate expenses, then you should talk with SO because it is no fair that you are paying to support his child. He can either make the choice to have SS pay his fair share or SO can pay for the both of them.