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Irritated ...

Mocha2001's picture

I'm irritated with BM and DH!

Today while we were watching SS' water play at school we noticed he was flat footed. At first we were very concerned, did some research, this is normal until you are 8+. The other thing we noticed was that his ankle was rotated in. Did some research, this is pronation - this is not normal, and is not good.

At first DH didn't want to tell BM, we would just take care of it ourself. Then he wanted to tell BM, so we called her. We have SS this weekend ... she didn't answer. She called back 40 minutes later, only 1/2 listened to what DH said, first over reacted (because she was 1/2 listening) then minimized it. She said, "well both of my ankles rotated inward and I just taught myself to walk differently." She's playing the old "if it was good enough for me, then it's good enough for my son."

Oh, of course she had to bring up that "SS has been limping every since I got him back" (like he's an object to be bartered for). DH said he didn't fall or hurt himself here. She then turns around (the not paying attention part) and says "did he fall down at your house and hurt his ankle and booty?" HELLO!!!!!!! "no, he didn't hurt himself here." BM, "well are you sure he didn't just turn it or sprain it." Ummm, hello again!!! There is no swelling, and he hasn't been limping here - weren't you listening? BM, "well he said he fell and hurt himself while he was at your house." Gees oh Pete! Then she began acting as if the conversation was irritating her, so DH just ended it.

DH has a tendancy of not covering all the issues when talking to BM. Me, being the anal retentive SM that I am ... will write him notes. This pisses him off because he gets even more side tracked. URGH!!! Arguement insued post BM phone conversation. I tried to come up with a compromise so that I can feel good about the conversation with BM too, and he cut me off at the knees. Just interrupted me and went off on me for doing the notes thing. I know he hates this, but I can't help it. I was trying to come up with a solution and he just cut me off. This isn't like DH ... BM makes him crazy! Communication has always been one of our strong points.

Eventually we talked about what our actions would be with regard to the pronation. We decided since she minimized the concern (which is typical - she did the same thing when we brought up the fact that SS hadn't seen the DDS in 2yrs), we are going to make appointment for SS anyway. Will do this for about a month out, so the BM has the opportunity to take care of it - we did offer our help. That way we know that SS will get the care that he needs of BM doesn't provide it.

BM still hasn't given us DDS information, even after hearing. We sent email today asking for the DDS information, will follow up on Monday, and then after DDS appointment is supposed to take place. If we cannot aceratain if SS did go to DDS, we are just going to make our own appointment then too. SS will tell us if he went to the DDS, so we aren't too concerned about not finding out, but not getting the information is going to piss DH off.

RIGHT NOW I HATE THE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS TO MY SS!!! I swear, sometimes I care more about that boy's wellbeing than they do!! URGH!!!

~ Katrina

Comments

Sebbie's picture

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
And then your going to be no good to anyone sweetie. I have been reading your myspace posts, have looked at all your pics,and have watched the things you vent about, the things you find joy in, and the advice you give other struggeling and discouraged sm and I KNOW you are a wonderful lady, heck I would be blessed to have a sm to my children like you. But, and here is the but...you have got to let go some. We are all aware of how much you love your ss, and it takes a strong woman with a big heart to love a schild like you love him. Your concern for his wellbeing is overwhelming, but the fact is the bm and dh are ss parents.I have a bumper sticker on my personal vehicle that says "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad". I believe this to be the truth in reverse as well, but there will always be boundaries we should not cross, as doing so is just going to make you more stressed than you need to be. You are right to voice your opinions, you are right to discuss important issues with dh about ss wellbeing,but sweetie I have to agree on the note issue. My dh did this to me a couple of times early on and though I knew what needed to be discussed(as dh and I had previously discussed the issues I should bring up when I had ex on phone) The fact is that sometimes the ex drags the convo a different direction and you are forced to defend/explain or clarifiy what the crap the ex's ongoing diatribes are really about. Having the note put in my face was a distraction to what I was immediatly trying to deal with .These types of ex's like to change the subject off of themselves and put things back on you and if dont get your voice in somewhere(by acknowledging their b.s complaints towards us) with these people they will simply hang up in their tantrums(which ends you ability to even discuss one of your issues or they go on some kind of sreaming and ranting war,that leaves them not listening to a damn thing(issue) you need to discuss. In order to keep them on the phone and attempt to redirect the convo back to where we need to take it, we have to run their childish little verbal obstacle course. Dont be so angry with dh, I believe he knows and does care about bs, you both have just gone through court, you both have had the stress that built up to the court date, plus many other stress factors that we each deal with daily...Take the time to share with him as you have been doing before hand what dh needs to try and stay focused on when talking to bm. Maybe sit down together and write up a list of things to be discussed and keep this list in veiw(like hanging on the back of your bedroom door)somewhere dh will know where to go in order to review for himself what issues he needs to broach during the conversations with bm. What gets discussed, cross off, what does not,leave on list, this will give dh a heads up where to begin in the next conversation with bm.And if something needs to be added, then do so. Just simply ask him to go to the list on HIS OWN to review the issues everytime he has her on the phone, just as a reminder to himself.Huggggggggggssssssss sweetie.

Mocha2001's picture

I know S.!!! Believe me I know. A couple of things to remember … we are new to this, only been married for 1.5 years, and the entire time we have been together (minus 1 month) has been since we BOTH separated from our EXs. (No affair, just convenient timing.) The other thing is that the posts on MySpace … are written for BM’s BF … he found his way to my MySpace and has been playing games with it. I posted here awhile ago about that and said that my MySpace blogs are going to be just for BF … and will brag about things SS says or that we do. So, just because it’s on MySpace … doesn’t mean it really bothers me – it might be posted to irritate BF.

And I know about the note issue too. We talked about that last night and agreed that I would take my notes of the conversation as usual (she’s always on speaker phone because she twists and contorts things so badly), write my questions on a separate sheet of paper. After the conversations we’d talk about my “questions” and then decided if an email needed to follow. Also, the judge did tell them that email communication is the only way to go. DH wasn’t going to call her, or even tell BM, about the pronation – we were just going to take care of it ourselves. But then he got an attack of the guilties and called BM. I plan on talking to DH later today about just using email and not talking to her at all. He knows, and lately it has been really good, that the only time we fight is over her.

I considered disengaging (as they say around here), but then he gets upset with me for that. And throws it back in my face saying, “how is that in SS’ best interests.” He’s right.

The hanging up thing happens here all the time too. Whenever BM hears something from DH that she doesn’t want to hear … she’ll just hang up on him. Even if the conversation had nothing to do with that topic.

I posed about the “CoParenting Survival Guide” and that book has been really helpful, together with a co-parenting seminar I attended for work. DH hasn’t read book yet – I’m not done. But when he does I think he’ll realize that until BM calms down and gets over her anger toward DH … email is the only way for these two to communicate, unless it’s an emergency.

We tried the list thing and it worked. But then with this issue … no list, it was just one issue to be discussed.

I appreciate the insight S.! The unfortunate thing is that you didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know; just trying out how to do it. With my job and my natural desire to problem solve just trying to find the right way to handle everything, so DH and I are happy, and I feel SS’ best interests are taken care of.

Kisses and hugs.

~ Katrina

Cruella's picture

You are thinking about the best interest of the child as any good mother would do. I see the very same thing in my situation. BM and BF are embattled in a court dispute. BM is too angry of a person to really see what is going on with her children. BF can't talk to her. The woman is impossible. The communications are shut down due to BM. In the mean time SOMEONE has to be the parent and step in. This is case in point why it is frustrating to love someone else's children. We as SM's can't just take the child to the doctor without permission. ARGHHHHHH

Hang in there!!!! I would do exactly what you are planning. You and BF just take him yourselves.

Mocha2001's picture

But it isn't so much DH being embroiled in legal stuff, it's BM's anger. Psychologically she's "holding on with hate." See cheated on DH, and reflects her screw ups onto DH. We got together one month after he moved out, and she believes we were having an affair and that's why we got together so quickly. She asked DH back a couple of times and he said "no." DH thinks she is so angry with herself for what she did to her family, she's very against adultry or anything like that (funny enough), and she really is just out there. Reading her declarations and stuff for hearings ... oui!

~ Katrina

goingcrazy's picture

I was reading your post sitting next to DH on the laptop. I Started laughing at the notes thing. I do the exact same thing when DH is on the phone! I think it is our controlling personalities. Just glad to know that I am not the only one that drives DH insane. Just remember that it is harder for the husbands to deal with BM's, I think. We are more detached from the situation. Just remember that BM's make it a point in life to drive us insane. Just keep doing what you are doing and caring for SS. You cannot change that woman no matter how much you try. Just remember to keep your husband as your ally and not your enemy.

Take a deep breath! If SS's foot does turn out to be something bad, then maybe that will give you some more ammo for court. Have you guys thought about trying for custody? (Oh, and BTW, DH and I had good timing too when we met ;-))

Mocha2001's picture

Beleive me if we have the opportunity we will ask for custody. Pronation is a serious thing (flat footedness is not). DH talked to BM Friday, and email went out Friday with a link to info re pronation. We are going to schedule our own doctor's appointment, and if she doesn't take SS ... then we will! May or may not tell her until he actually gets his inserts ... the more time that goes by the better. We did tell her on the phone, and in the email that this needs to be diagnosed by 5yo.

I need to not do the notes thing, and I know that. Stated plan above in second long post. Would rather have everything go through email, but ... we've used the list thing before, and maybe DH and I will just do that (which we do for our bi-weekly updates before our residential time) with other issues as well. I don't know ... we'll figure something out.

DH always gets a little cranky and stressed with me when SS is here ... since he's 4 and doesn't get enough attention at home it's, "daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy" all day long - it wears hi out. SS does the same thing to me, "right, Trina, Right Trina, Right Trina ..." He also will make a statement and say it over and over and over until you acknowledge him. We are working on making him realize how anoying that is ... again, that's probably because he has to do that at home to get an anser or something.

Okay, it's late ... time to keep reading so I can get to bed. SIGH!!!

~ Katrina

Anne 8102's picture

...if our DH's would just freaking do what we tell them to do?! Wink I try to "coach" mine, too, Katrina, because he's just not good at some things and I'm maybe a little better at those things. Unfortunately, it makes him feel stupid and inferior, like he can't do anything right. Sometimes I just want to smack him and say, "Well, if you would do it right, then I wouldn't feel the need to help!" Sigh. I try to help, but what I think of as HELP, he thinks of as me taking over because he's too much of an idiot to do anything right. And it's not that, but I worked for years as a paralegal and I kind of have an idea how some things work with the legal aspect of the skid/ex-wife thing and he doesn't have that kind of experience. Instead of accepting my help, he spurns it and then has to deal with the consequences or he takes it, grudingly, and grumps about me telling him what to do. He doesn't have to do everything my way. He just has to get off his ass and do something. Blah.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

Mocha2001's picture

Erik isn't lazy so I don't have the "get off his ass and do something" problem. But everything else you said was exactly how DH feels. And, like you, I'm only doing it cuz I've been doing this a lot longer than he has. We'll figure it out.

~ Katrina