Disgusting SD, apathetic DH

My DH prides himself on being chill and never implementing martial law when it comes to SD. However, it has become ABSURD!!! How can a child never ever ever get in trouble for anything..."She's only 12..." Well SD didn't do homework for weeks and DH got a call from her teacher, nothing happened. SD is incapable of completing simple tasks and chores becuase she is watching TV on her cell phone, doesn't get in trouble. In fact, she isn't even supposed to be allowed to watch TV on her phone as of the last 'parenting' conversation we had, but she doesn't get in trouble.

SD is rude and disrespectful toward me and I've brought this up on 3 seperate occasions and his answer is always inaction. The problem is that his inaction has led me to slowly but surely carry around a great deal of animosity for SD.

I haven't mentioned her manners yet, but suffice it to say there has been precedent to this behavior before and I've had enough. DH was so happy SD was back home after a long weekend at her biomoms apartment, and she came back with a little cold and feeling mopey. I had wanted her to have a great meal upon arrival home and we had planned french toast, berries and bacon. I even went out and got the special bread to make it extra yummy.

SD never actually sits on a chair but puts her feet up on it, despite being told otherwise, mostly becuase when she drops things, they don't go on a plate but on the floor/table/chair which then I clean, not her. And she most definitely drops things becuase she eats like a caveman with her fingers, barely knows how to use a fork, in fact. Combine this with my being a vegetarian and having to watch her dangle bacon like a 3 yo eating spaghetti for the first time, while coughing and eating with her fingers was stomach-turning. Then she ripped a huge fart at the dinner table, then ripped a huge burp in my direction without covering her mouth.

I got up and left. We talked about it a little later on and his response was, "She's a child! A germ-covered fart box that is my offspring and this is how we live."

Nope. Not me. I'll be taking my dinners in the office from now on...probably sleeping there too honestly. When SD walks all over him, I get so unbelievably turned off.

Any advice? How do you teach an SD manners when her and her father have ridiculed you and scoffed at you for thinking being a lady is a skill every woman should have?

Help please.

manners help please

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Stop cooking for either of

Stop cooking for either of them. When he asks you why, tell him how stomach-turning her eating habits are. Then tell him what a turn-off it is watching him not manning up to his responsibilities as a father.

Bleh. Seriously you are ok

Bleh. Seriously you are ok with having to not have meals at your own dining table because your husband refuses to parent his feral child?

And doesn't enforce school work? So when she barely has a high school diploma - IF she even gets one and can't support herself.... you are going to be ok living like this FOREVER?

How do you continue to deal with this? My formerSO had a completely feral 13 yr old son - no correction, no consequences. Mean, rude, poor hygiene, completely disgusting messy, no bedtime, did poorly in school - quite literally no rules. It only kept getting worse, and with no hope for change, I left. I could not imagine continuing to live like that; it was completely not doable.

Ask him.......

......what he intends to do when society calls her out on her poor behaviour

and

why should you have to degrade yourself by taking abuse (to my mind disrepect is abuse)

He won't hold his kid to a high standard of behaviour, instead pushing your feelings aside to cater to his child, which is teaching her that being a miscreant is a desirable trait, because there's no boundaries, respect or consequences.

Disengage and be thankful she's no reflection on you!

"She's a child! A germ

"She's a child! A germ-covered fart box that is my offspring and this is how we live."

Why are you blaming her, when he's the problem? Kids don't just magically learn appropriate table manners and good behavior, they have to be taught, by you know, THEIR PARENTS. This isn't about "imposing martial law", it's about basic parenting. He's neglecting his daughter and crippling her ability to be a functional adult. Who the hell is going to want to be friends with, date or marry his Precious Little FartBox?

Eating dinner in the other room would be a starting point, but I would not be able to stay married to him long term when he is such a horrible, lazy parent.

This issue with your H is

This issue with your H is awful and the fact that he doesn't parent, discipline, and give consequences is only confirmation of more of the same in the future. Yes, this is a turn off and I don't know how your marriage will last. I don't see how you still respect him due to his lack of inaction and no regard to you and how you feel. You asked.....

Any advice? How do you teach an SD manners when her and her father have ridiculed you and scoffed at you for thinking being a lady is a skill every woman should have?

Outside of disengaging I don't see that there is much else for you to do outside of leaving this marriage. This is his child that he has to parent and raise to be a functional adult. Even if you tried the fact that your H doesn't follow through will be a waste of time. He's creating a monster and it will only get worse. You need to have a serious talk with him and if there are no changes please know that this behavior will be for the entire duration of your marriage.

You will not be able to teach

You will not be able to teach her anything. Just tell her she is repulsive and disgusting when she is repulsive and disgusting. Otherwise “Ignore the whore”.

There is a brief nanosecond

When a child of a permissive parent is "just a kid" and "it's too late to learn now."

While I do agree

that it's her father's fault for letting her behave so disgustingly, this is on the daughter too. At 12, she knows it's rude to burp, fart and eat with her hands. My son is 10 and has known for quite awhile what rude is. Surely she gets called out at school for those things? Please don't tell me she acts like Lord of the Flies there? Does she have any friends? I can't imaging any other 12 year old girl wanting to hang around with that. And CG, she does need to be punished for not doing homework, that's not something that just needs to be corrected; feral or it, she knows that homework needs to be done, we are all taught that at a very early age, so please with your no punishments. Kids do not walk on water and just need love and teaching. This girl sounds defiant and needs far more than etiquette school and hugs.

Hahahahahaha. "Acts like Lord

Hahahahahaha. "Acts like Lord of the Flies"

Y'all slay me.

The problem is that HIS

The problem is that HIS INACTION has led me to slowly but surely carry around a great deal of animosity for SD.

Why do you have no animosity for your DH??? HE is the reason why SD continues to act badly towards you. HE does nothing.

My SD was the same for awhile

My SD was the same for awhile; when she was much younger. When my DH would get angry that I was "trying" to help with manners I decided to just DO EVERYTHING SHE DID! If she propped her feet up at the dinner table, I would do it too, if she farted, I would "try" too. I would eat disgustingly with my fingers/hands, slurp, chew with my mouth open, etc. It did not take long for him, nor her, to get the point and start the change.