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SD just got married and keeps reminding us she will COME BACK when she gets DIVORCED!

misslisa's picture

OMG Hope you all can help shed some light on this. A little history first. My BF and I have been together 2 years and I  just moved in inAug to his home (which I am helping to pay for). His grown 26 year old daughter and her husband live w us too.
 

They just got married but even at the rehersal dinner and quite a few times before and after the wedding she has said, well when we get divorced I'll just come back home.  I found a way to gently tell her that going into her marriage with that in mind is not healthy. Yes, we all know divorce exists, but you want to go into your marriage with the best possible intensions.

 

Here's some more wacky background--she and her husbnad pay NOTHING to live there...they do "pay" for groceries (she wastes a lot of food, sends out a lot and goes out for dinner a lot--without telling us so we have to scramble for dinner at her whims--as cooking and food shopping are her ONLY responsibilities and all she has to pay for--dont get me started about how she crates her dog all day and expects us to babysit or doesn't clean a thing and then complains if I don't do all the dishes...smh).

 

Her husband is a tradesman and has done 2 small projects in the 4 years he has lived there (before me).  I asked how this man/husband moved in and my BF said, oh he just kept coming over and then finally I asked if he was living here...I urged my BF (when we got serious) to talk to his daughter about paying something more for the 2 of them as he works very hard and pays for EVERYTHING, cable, gas, electric, mortgage, upkeep etc...and she said, well he will move out if you ask him for money (and so?...lol).

 

Needless to say my very passive, but emotionally crippled and emotionally blackmailed man decided to just , go along to get along and let that and a ton of other stuff slide. He had a very bad and abusive marriage and became both mother and father to this child--I read somewhere here that she is what's called a Child-Wife or something like that.
 

His Daughter has also said that she expects us to leave her room exactly as it is now so that when she drops by w the baby (I know I know) she can stay in her old room. Thank God her husband actually told her that it will be our house when she leaves and that we probably won't leave her room the way it is (not to mention it's deplorable and a mess as is the other spare room she comandeered).

 

Imagine how shocked she will be when the IKEA truck pulls in when she moves out! There is some hope in that she is now preggo and they are moving before the baby is born they say (the house is nice but it is not made for a baby--lots of stairs etc..). Can you guys help me in advance to see what might be coming here?

 

She is already saying crazy stuff about other family members and if they make her mad, she will just not let them see the baby etc...so my BF is fearful she will do that to him too. I told him she may have a tantrum but she will be back (because of course she needs Daddy's money and support etc.)

 

My BF is having trouble w a lot of what I've read here--boundaries, being in the "middle" and sticking up for me. At least now he's admitting he sees and hears what I hear. Initally he was saying I was too sensitive and so on...but now that he really is listening to her toxic drivel (she rips everyone we know apart--even her grandparents who treat her amazing--but will accept money and gifts from them--and laughs about that!--makes me ILL!--this also makes me wonder what she is saying about me).

 

..In addition to all this, I feel like a captive slave in our home. If I say anything about anything she claims I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm an idiot...Example: I'm a professional DJ/Public Speaker and gave her some advice she asked for about her wedding. She told me I didn't know what the hell I am talking about and then not only used my idea, but when the DJ she hired screwed it up she said, that's how I wanted it anyway...grrrrr...There are TONS of incidents like that.

 

My worries hear are: Do you guys think they really will leave? (their kid is due in 8 months and not a blessed thing is packed!) And, what do you think my life will be like when this baby comes? I love kids, but she says she has a key and will stop by whenever she wants so she can take a nap and we can watch said baby. My BF says she says these things for "effect" ...whatever the heck that means...so I never know whether to take her seriously...any advice you can give is appreciated. I am starting therapy for this and have been reading books and blogs like mad to keep sane...She also has issues with thanking me for even the simplest thing. She also got wasted recently and said, I'll never share my Daddy with you and if I didn't want you here you wouldn't be...but I also heard she's telling everyone how great I am for her Dad (which I am! lol). I know she is struggling internally and would really love to hate me, but I am giving her no ammo or reason to...(which is a challenge). Thoughts? Am I nuts?

 

Comments

Thisisnotus's picture

Why did she have a wedding that costs money when she can't even live on her own? I mean WTF? 
 

I would lay down the law...they move out or you do.  They will never move out unless forced....
 

 

misslisa's picture

Agreed!

But this all happened before me...so I just went along w it.

Her husband makes very good money and she works too..and you can only imagine the whining and carrying on about how she's the only person in the world who had to change up their wedding for COVID....

 

How does one lay down the law and who should be doing it? Not me?! Right? 

 

tog redux's picture

Welcome - if you could go back and put in some paragraph breaks, it would be easier to read.

advice.only2's picture

"She also got wasted recently and said, I'll never share my Daddy with you and if I didn't want you here you wouldn't be..."

I'm really hoping that she wasn't pregnant at the time!

misslisa's picture

She was not pregnant yet at the time when she said that.. The drunken incident was about 1 month before the pregnancy news.

Survivingstephell's picture

You moved in recently, would it be hard to move back out?  Can you approach him about downsizing the house to smaller one that will not fit everyone?  
 

If he can't use this as a reason to move forward himself with you and set up your home together, just the two of you, with no thought to keeping a door open for SD to waltz back in through, then you have a man problem.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This woman is a first rate, domineering, out of control mini wife witch. I'm surprised she even allowed you to move in, because that's HER dad and HER house and HER territory.

You need to read everything you can about Electra Complex, enmeshment/emotional incest, and mini wives. Lets throw in Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, too. It ain't pretty, and unless your bf grows a spine and asks the Wizard of Oz for some courage, the dynamic will NEVER change.

Why are you putting up with this crazy? Are you willing to be bullied by, defer to, and compete with this vicious witch for the rest of your life? Are you okay with losing more and more respect for your bf as he cowers and caters to the monster he created? Are you okay with her moving back in with her brood each time she has a break up? Daughters like this don't stay away, because they're stunted and don't know how to adult or have healthy relationships. And they can't get along with people, so they burn through jobs, lovers, and friends. This man comes WITH this booby prize, for-evah.

It was a mistake for you to move in without first discussing these issues and drawing hard boundaries, just as it was a mistake for your bf to not prepare a place of priority in his life for you. Now you're "caught", so it will be harder to effect change, and you will absolutely be perceived as the witch behind every change your bf implements - assuming he's even willing to. He definitely needs professional help and guidance in order to learn how to say No, draw healthy boundaries, and stop allowing his daughter to dominate him. And that's only IF he wants to do the work.

I'm curious to know if he had other gfs before you, how long they stayed, and why they left. I bet you're not the first.

Stop accepting the unacceptable, and raise your standards, because Nice has only gotten you a ride on the crazy train to Dysfunction Junction. My advice is to move out. This dynamic has been going on for years, and the only thing you can control or change is yourself. Tell your bf that you're not willing to be a sister wife; that he allows his daughter to completely dominate him, and it's gross. Tell him you'll only date him if 1) he starts individual therapy, 2) Tells his daughter in your presence that you are his priority and she needs to move out, and 3) that he will downsize, eliminating the possibility of her moving back.

 

MissTexas's picture

How, oh how did she find anyone to marry her??

Please, please, do not allow the dog to be crated all day. That can make them very unsociable, which can lead to biting. Is there any type of doggy daycare or something for this poor dog?

If she is pregnant and wants to move out, then get that plan into action. Until that happens, you need to have a nice long chat with your man about how they need to make the transition financially, and start charging them rent and half the utilities. Nothing will motivate them to move, or accelerate a move quicker than letting them know they will have to behave as adults, all the way, not just in having sex, but also paying bills. It's known as RESPONSIBILITY.

Make it abundantly clear that when she gets divorced that YOU AND SO WILL NOT BE HER FULL TIME 24/7 baby sitters! SHE IS ON HER OWN. Her kid, her responsibility.

I'm glad your guy seems to be seeing the things you've been seeing. That's a good segue into the conversation mentioned above that is LONG OVERDUE.

Lifer33's picture

What made you move in under those circumstances? Just the promise that she'll soon be going. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon tbh. Easy life, and If she goes she'll keep coming back. I can only think of 2 options if you can't tolerate it. Either you move out, or ask your other half to put the house for sale and move somewhere that is yours together alone. Then when she asks to come back you have the right to say no 

misslisa's picture

Re reading a lot of what you all said and taking it all in❤️