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Need advice.. How to not care/be happy.

MissK03's picture

This has a potential to be all over the place so I am going to apologize in advance.

Many of you know my situation and for a long time now I've found myself permanently angry 24/7. 

It's a combo of step life just about life in general. 

My relationship with SO is just suffereing more and more and I'm feeling totally defeated with everything.

OK! I'll start with work. My job f'n sucks. It's physical and emotionally draining. I work 6 days a week unless I take a Sunday off which is a half day which is 4 hours. I have almost 20 years in here, I make decent money, I'm union, pension, benefits etc. overall not bad (so new job is out of the question)  BUT I can not let go of the stupidity I see. I care WAY TO MUCH honestly... end of the day I still get paid the same. There are things I see that I don't know how management doesn't say something/let's happen etc. I tend to let this shit stress me out when there really is no reason that I should be. Then.. sometimes (SO may say differently) it will come home with me. 

How do I let this go? How do I not let everything bother me? How do I just start to care less about what's happening? 
 

Now on to the other side..

I've had 100s of convos with SO with stuff around the house. Our house is small... 5 people 2 dogs so it gets messy quick.

My drive to work is 40 minutes one way so I'm out of the house 10 hours a day. So the second I get home and I shit is everywhere I'm instantly in a bad mood. I've been trying but I just can't let it go. They are all home WAY more then me so why can't skids help do SOMETHING!! SO never follows thru with them leaving me angry. 

So one example of small everyday triggers... SS16 will leave his hair shit around in our downstairs bathroom. It's the first thing I see when I walk in and I'm instantly triggered. I know it sounds so f'n stupid but like why? Why can we just put something away. There are constant reusable cups on the back of the sink from SD.. why can't she just wash them when she brings them down!! Now SO doesn't care about this stuff. It doesn't bother him.. it bothers me though. I've tried talking to him about it and he will say he understands but NOTHING gets done. I'm constantly angry with him with why he can't his teenagers for the love god pick up their stuff. No one helps clean etc. I'm going insane. SO will clean when I break balls constantly.. I don't want too dude!! I'm struggling like help me! He will help but I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. I don't want to tell him! I can't control myself and not say something... I try to keep everything neat and clean in house. It makes ME feel better but, SO doesn't seem to understand that. 

I know everyone will say disengage but, this has nothing to do with disengaging.. I WANT SO to WANT to help me.

Now on to more of our relationship. Clearly everyone knows skids live with us 100% full time for years now. I've helped with those kids as much as I possibly can over the past almost 6 years. I've always wanted to be married etc. I DID NOT want to pressure him in any way.. thought it would just happen..

NOTHING. It's not even on his radar because we are always fighting he says. Like maybe if you made SOME sort of commitment to me I wouldn't fucking break your balls constantly.

I feel like I'm fluttering in life. I have nothing specifically of my own (I've told him this) it's his house, his kids, I'm just a gf, I have nothing of my own. 

OH here is another example. I quit smoking over 3 months ago. I got MY balls broken for YEARS! So I finally quit.. just stopped. Ya think he would be like let's go out to dinner or something.. I'm proud of you.. NOTHING! 

Am a tough chick.. that may sound stupid haha but, that's the type I am but, still would like SOME SORT of spoiling (might not be the right word)

I'm starting to really ramble. I have intentions of showing SO responses to this blog. Maybe other people can word things differently then I can because I just get angry and upset.

I want him to see some sort of outside prespective.. I know you can only get "my side" and not "his side" but, a lot of us struggle with the same situations and I'm looking for ANYTHING that may have helped you. 
 

Wow. This is a lot. 

Comments

MissK03's picture

I need to add this.. clearly my resentment for BM through the charts. She does absolutely nothing and barely sees her kids...

This was a question I was going to approach SO with just to see how he would respond.

Say I wanted to finally go back to the gym one day.. which I want to do like now. Say it's a day I want to be alone and just go... if I didn't say ask SD to come with me or just wanted that alone time he would probably be upset with me... like how is that fair to me but, BM can do whatever the fuck she wants and he just shoulder shrugs with "she's a loser."

THIS is another problem we have that we can't just get past. I'm going hit ask him this exact question when I talk to him in a bit. 
 

Me doing everything I possibly can to give the skids a good life while she just does whatever and he thinks I'm just suppose to be ok with it. 

 

Winterglow's picture

Move out. They don't deserve you. Get your own place where you can have the environment you need to thrive. 

SteppedOut's picture

Yep. This. And if I was you, I wouldn't want to marry this many for fear of divorce and him getting part of your pension. He has sucked enough out of you...hell if he should get that too! 

hereiam's picture

Yeah, sorry, I just couldn't put up with this. I agree with Winterglow.

The stress of a job that sucks, then going home to more stress and a partner who doesn't give a f^ck? Nope.

You resent BM (and I'm not saying that you shouldn't) but your SO deserves some of that resentment. Going to the gym by yourself is perfectly normal and fine and you should not be made to feel guilty about it.

MissK03's picture

It's the same small shit at the house that I can't but, want to let go. 

The gym thing was a hypothetical situation but I totally am going to ask and see how he responds. I'm curious.

elvangeline's picture

Showing my SO these blogs. I kept going back and forth on it. Especially since most or possibly all people on here tell me I should leave him from what I have written about him and SD my brief time on here.

Like you mentioned, I think he will just say how one sided my opinion is and I don't think it will help.

Honestly I have been pretty upset and hurt that so many people here tell me to leave. I've been confused as to why they would say that rather than offer me a virtual ear or shoulder or positive advice.

After reading your post, I'm starting to see why people just flat out say just leave.

I'm sure you don't want to. That's why you are asking for help here. You want advice on how to fix it and make it better. That's what I want. I love my husband. I'm sure you love your SO too.

Just really take some time to think and reflect about what you want. I know I have to do the same.

All the best of luck. You aren't alone.

hereiam's picture

People say leave because, quite frankly, it usually does not change and it ends up being a waste of time keep trying, to ones emotional and physical detriment.

Both parties have to try and a lot of the times we see that the bio parent doesn't want to. You have stated that your DH won't stand up for you, gives no consequences, thinks his princess can do no wrong. I just wouldn't live like that. Your DH does not have enough respect for you to even hear you out, with an open mind.

Love is not enough and it doesn't always make sense to blend families under the same roof.

simifan's picture

People don't fundementally change without extraordinary effort. This is a difference in how they see their home, role expectations and the raising of children. He has already shown that changing for her comfort level is not worth the effort to him. Unfortunately, that leaves 2 choices - stay and be miserable or leave. 

Cover1W's picture

I don't have much advice for you but I'm going through something similar. My job is great, I love it but it is intense and I like to talk about my day, sometimes it's complaining about stupid computer systems sometimes it's about something good. DH gets irritated with my taking about work, not all the time, but a lot. Well other than work WTF do I do right now? That's right, not a lot.

I am also the main person who cleans, organizes the house, arranges and deals with home repair and improvement. DH does not do much here. I think he cleans up the kitchen now more than ever not because he wants to or thinks it should be but because he doesn't want me to be mad. Which is not what I want. Example last night after dinner and he's sitting on the couch, YSD is downstairs, I go into the kitchen and the dishwasher door is open full of dirty dishes (this has been happening more and is a new thing and it does smell in the warm summer weather), nothing in the kitchen from dinner was put away...pots and pans still on stove, condiments on counter, serving plates still out, etc. There was no space so I started collecting and putting stuff into sink and into fridge and made a comment. Well DH went off as usual and said I was too concerned and would be mad over a grain of rice on the floor. NO DH, I'm making room for myself, if I come in in the morning I have no space to make coffee and toast, I'm not asking you to do it all right now just get it out of the way. And it's not a grain of rice. It's rice everywhere plus cereal plus bits of dinner and it's gross. If I can't walk across the kitchen floor without stepping on something it's just too dirty. 

DH does not have a threshold for disorganization. He says he likes a clean home but as I point out as well, he doesn't like doing what it takes to make it clean. And why do I have to be the one to accept his, and to some extent, YSDs mess but no one can accept my comfort level. I have to be the one to keep my mouth shut. 

We are still working on it. I decided last night I'm cold turkey stopping any clean up. YES I'm going to hate it. It's going to get filthy. But hey, he wants me to not do so much?!

Also grocery shopping is mostly me. Ok then, I'll shop for only me if no one else will help or thank me.

Maybe that's it, the lack of thanks. Of the recognition of my time and effort. I just get complaints. I cleaned up after DH for two days as he was busy with work, on my vacation days, and got no recognition. And he said I threw that in his face as an aha moment....no, it was pointing out what I do.

One thing we agreed on this morning was that no matter who cooks, we both will clean up together. It take him forever to do it so this may speed him up, and we can talk. As long as he doesn't get annoyed with me....which has happened in the past says it throws him off to have someone there (his ADD is a huge factor in all this). So we'll see. He also never requires YSD to help clean up but I'm not going there because I cannot. I will just make sure he does her stuff.

We don't have a lot of time together when YSD is here because he includes her in everything, except for when he wants to do something, and my suggestions are not used. So I don't try. I was going to take him out for a lovely long birthday lunch but he said "what about YSD?". FFS, she's 15, we had a celebration with her already.

Anyway know you aren't alone.

MissK03's picture

DH and SO sound VERY similar.

I talk about work A LOT myself. SO knows everyone I'm talking about too. He has physically met them. He tells me basic things about his day but never goes in to detail I tell him almost everything but, then it will be all you do is talk about work.. like you.. wtf do you want to talk about? You don't make convo.. claims he does.

The.. you would be mad at grain of rice... 100% is something my SO would say to me!! NOT THE POINT DUDE!! 

The threshold of disorganization thing hit me. I'm going to say that to him. Thanks for that. 

I have been really struggling with the lack of effort SO puts in to "us." I think that is my main struggle along with the lack of getting recognized. 

So frustrating. 

Cover1W's picture

Yeah the agreement that if we do dishes/clean kitchen together just THIS morning? "I'm too tired..." WTF?! Jokes on me.

Thumper's picture

About work...try your very best to turn all the stupidness off. Do your job and your job only. Don't pick up slack for anyone. I  know better said then done...but you have to put that effort in. I totally get it. --Go to work tomorrow or Monday,  and ignore all  the stupid,, ONE day at a time? Is that something that you can do?

About coming home to crap all over the place.

Years ago everyone would drop stuff on this one counter. OMG I cant stand that. So, I grabbed a bag and swished everything in it. ---A few days later...same thing, so I grabbed another bag..SWISHED it all in there. I stuck the bag in the garage.

"Where is my xyz"...I pulled out the bag, handed it over and said here, look for it. If the bag is not empty, and the stuff not put away,  I will toss it into the trash.

If there stuff is all over their room....let it alone. DON'T look in there. IF they have hair products all over the house and not in their room OR bathroom...swish it into a bag, toss it into the garage. After a few days POOF it's gone.

*Of course I told everyone about the counter. You should to. Give them a chance to put their stuff away or SWISH, into the bag and trash it goes. Need new cups..tell BF to run and buy them with his money.

Next about the gym. Why are you asking permission to go? Go on your way home from work---or tell boyfriend Hey I will be back I am going to the gym by myself. WAIT TAKE SD with you ...no I am going by myself. See ya Smile

Give yourself permission to take your life back. Everything about bm's kids is on your SO and BM.

Are you married? Is this relationship working for you?

 

 

 

 

MissK03's picture

Ok few updates as I can only talk to him on the phone for so long.. I got stuff to do.

1. According to him I would be an asshole if I DID NOT ask SD every time to go with the gym because "she's waiting to go to the gym with you."

Now... SD probably wouldn't even come with me 85% of the time but the fact that he asks SS16 to go with him I AM suppose to ask SD come with me.. he's crazy.

This is what this boils down to... I wouldn't have to even have this convo with him if BM wasn't a piece of shit. It's not my fault the skids mom fucking sucks right? 

So I can't even go to the gym on my own.. like wtf! 

Another thing.... I'm just suppose to accept BM hanging out in our fucking driveway because she never sees her kids and the once every 3 months she does something aka get nails done she tries seeing the boys if she sees their cars in the driveway. This happened today BTW. She was almost on our back deck again but, she stayed out of camera sight but I could see her. HE says that since it is far and few in between and she didn't try going in to the house like last time that it should just be fine. And the fact that SS16 didn't even come out says a lot.

MissK03's picture

Dup

Winterglow's picture

You would not be the asshole for not asking his daughter to go to the gym with you. Why? Because he is the proud owner of that title for even imagining any unrelated adult would be at his daughter's beck and call. 

Be sure to tell him that you are an independent adult who will live her life as she pleases and that name-calling is puerile and water off a duck's back for you. 

Seriously, what's keeping you there? 

Cover1W's picture

No. That's not acceptable for you to have to ask her every time. She's not your responsibility.

Do you ask your friends to go every time? 

Are you able to go straight from work to the gym or go early morning before everyone is up? Or, just GO. you are an adult and can make your own decisions.

Dogmom1321's picture

IMO, the best thing to do here is leave. Your SO is totally unsupportive. Yes, work can be stressful on different levels... but imagine going home to an apartment of your OWN. And if it's messy, hey at least it's YOUR mess. Feel like going to the gym after work to let off some steam? You can go without asking "permission" from anyone! And no one will make you feel like crap for wanting to do something for youself. He cares more about his kids than be supportive to you. You definitely don't deserve that. 

Be thankful you didn't marry this guy!

Survivingstephell's picture

To me it sounds like he only cares about himself.  Gym? If SD wants to go then HE can take her.  You are his buffer to all that his hard in life.  You are functional and he is not.  Only to what serves him, the rest he pawns off on you.  Stop chasing this family unit.  They will never appreciate you or treat you the way you should be treated.  Love yourself more.  

tog redux's picture

Hi Everyone - long time, no see!

OP, you've set a precedent for how you are going to behave and what you are willing to accept for 6 years now. You can change that - but it will take effort and it will 100% cause conflict with your SO, who likes that you tolerate whatever he dishes out.  He doesn't want child support from BM? No problem, you will help support the kids.  He doesn't want to set boundaries on the kids? No problem, you won't insist. He wants you to help him with the kids? All he has to do is making you feel guilty and you give in.  He doesn't want to make his kids clean? No problem, you will take care of it all.

These issues honestly have nothing to do with BM being a piece of sh!t mother, which she is. Even if BM had them 50% of the time, you'd deal with all of this for the other 50%.  These are issues between you and SO, and you can change them - but again, not without causing conflict between the two of you and creating a lot of anxiety for yourself.

The best way is to really think about what you want to change and how you can go about it. What do you need to be different? If one thing is going to the gym alone, you let SO know sometime, when things are calm, that you are going to start going alone to the gym to deal with some of your stress. When he pushes back, don't fight - just reiterate that you aren't doing it against SD, you are doing it FOR yourself. Then stick to doing it and tolerate your anxiety about it. Be prepared for him to pout and sulk and don't try to stop or change that, just go to the gym and stay warm and pleasant to him and SD.

My DH is messy and I keep certain areas clean and let him mess up others (ie his office, garage, workshop, etc). When SS was coming over, I'd just shut his bedroom door and ignore.  Trying to keep EVERYTHING neat and clean will make you nuts. Pick your battles.  Messy people don't value order and cleanliness like neat people do, so you will never make him WANT to keep things neat. Hopefully you can get him to at least see that he needs to help in some ways, but maybe not. A house cleaner coming every couple weeks might be in order. I'm not someone who could sweep everything into a bag and throw it out, but I had no qualms about opening SS's door and tossing his stuff in his room if he left it out.

If you've never read The Dance of Anger, it's really helpful in matters like this.

Cover1W's picture

Tog has some good advice here.  I do have a cleaner come in every other month (I should do it each month really) to do a deep clean of most of the house (not all).  DH pays a slightly higher % of the cost due to YSD and the fact that no one helps me really clean is why we need her.  It's worth the money.

I also do not go into DH's office unless it smells - he knows this. If it smells he must clean it. I also don't clean up his side of the bed, and actually re-arraged the room so I don't have to walk by it. Nor do I clean his side of the closet; however if it starts getting so messy that I have to move his stuff to get to my things THEN I tell him he cleans it or I dump it.

I have thrown things away or donated them if they are left out too long (this worked with SDs). However, with DH, it's best to let it really pile up so he can see it - it may take a while but it does work. I just move the cr*p to his living room pile and then it's done, it's now in HIS way and HE can deal with it.

MissK03's picture

I think I will look into getting a cleaner. I think it will benefit me mentally. 

MissK03's picture

Tog!! I've missed your comments and advice! Exactly the point I have tried to drill into him.. I'm just suppose to be accepting of everything. I asked him earlier what did he expect post divorce? Every one to be happy little family? 

I don't go in skids rooms anymore. I can easily toss skids stuff in their rooms but, instead a complain to SO because I want it to STOP. SO wouldn't care if put their stuff back in their rooms  but, I don't want too. I want THEM to pick it up. 

That would be a picking and choosing battles. Do I just toss their stuff in their rooms and not say anything? Stuff like that.

I haven't. I look in to it. Thanks.
 

 

tog redux's picture

That's fair - making him do it instead works too. But you can't make him make them do it, that's the problem. My DH was actually good at expecting SS to pick up after himself and didn't allow him to be a total slob in common areas. I preferred the low conflict approach of throwing it in his room myself, but we also have a very small house, so from living room to his room meant walking 15 feet and opening his door to toss it in.

The thing about change is - you can't wait until he's okay with you doing it, you have to do it and deal with the fallout. Most likely, he will eventually accept any changes you make, but you have to get through the conflict part, which will make you anxious. It's always possible you will become someone he doesn't want to be with anymore, but not likely.

LittleCloud9's picture

You have a good job!

 Leave, take a nice vacation, get a tidy little place exactly how you like it, then find a handsome clean guy with no kids 

Biggrin

Air kiss

you'll forget about these users in no time! 

or start throwing their crap out when they leave it out... worked pretty good for me 

Bye

MissK03's picture

I'm on the brink of deciding which way I want to go. I do love SO and I guess "love" the skids to particular degree but you guys get it. 

I struggle with not so much hair gel on the counter but the fact that SO doesn't put in the effort in to me that I deserve. 

I spent some time in between trying to get stuff done at work today trying to explain to him these things. Which is nothing knew and we both agreed that it can't continue like this and if it does it needs to end.

It will be more likely me that will make that final decision but here I am feeling like I potentially wasted so much time and money for what? To start over again.. ugh. Just the whole thought is A LOT. 

I want it to work. I do love SO but, I'm worth more I know this.. HE needs to step up. 

One thing I said to him today is like who made it a point to makes sure to attend SDs basketball games when neither of her parents could do it?? BUT you get made at me for having to tell you every fucking Saturday to tell the kids to let the dogs out??!! SERIOUSLY??!! I go everything I say you get defensive. It's been like this from the start so no matter WHO you were with it wouldn't have been different. 

tog redux's picture

I think you've hit on the real issue. No matter how messy my DH is, I always feel like he cares about my feelings and needs. Doesn't mean he agrees to always do things my way, lol, but if I brought concerns to him about SS's behavior, he set limits on it, even if it didn't bother DH himself. 

In my opinion, your SO takes you for granted, and setting some boundaries might help him wake up.

hereiam's picture

Agree with Tog.

I was going to comment to your post up above that hiring a cleaner might help some of your anxiety, but it's not going to solve the real issue.

MissK03's picture

I'm REALLY hoping he gets it. He has changed A LOT from the start which he really didn't have choice on either though.

I do know I can be difficult SOMETIMES. There is stuff 100% that I need to just honestly let the fuck go BUT, he needs to see where I am coming from too. 

He agrees with me with most but it's the follow through that I need to beat out of him.

I am not ready to just jump ship yet but, that time will tell in  the coming months.

Kaylee's picture

If it was only one thing, eg your stressful job, then you might be able to handle it...

But added to the job is the fact that your SO is an unsupportive slob, AND a disney dad.

His kids are messy and also needy by the sounds of it. 

That's too much for anyone to take, IMO.

MissK03's picture

Here's another perfect example... Just got home from work .. tv on in the living room,  remote on the couch, and no one to be found.

One of our dogs has chewed 6 f'n remotes in the past 5 months. She's a puppy and for some reason that's the only thing chews. 

Now.. if I say something more then likely it will be me "complaining." Even though he will agree but because I brought it up it will sound like a complaint 

Survivingstephell's picture

He has conditioned you to back down every time he reflects back to you that you are a nag. Embrace being a nag!  You have to embrace the idea of chaos if you want change.  You have to embrace conflict if you want change.  Or you just end it and Get in therapy and find out who you truly are, what you need and don't need in a relationship.  
 

You have 3 choices the way I see it. 
1: Fight for change. 
2: Live life according to his ways, dying a little each day in the process.

3: Leave and live your life on your terms.  
 

You can only control yourself.  How much stress are you under trying make them change to your ways??? 

tog redux's picture

Now, I wouldn't care about the TV on or the remote on the couch - except that the puppy has chewed them up. So that's a risk to the puppy and a hit to your wallet.

So if you say calmly to him, "Hey, the remote was left out where Puppy can get it," he'd say, "OMG! You're always complaining!!" If so, that's a big problem.

MissK03's picture

He never snaps on me like that.. I only care about the remote now because of her. This never would have bothered me before the pup. 

hereiam's picture

I know he genuine loves me and wants me happy.

Actually, you have stated some things that say the opposite. Well, okay, he may want you happy, but he is willing to do nothing to make it so. I want everybody to be happy but there are only certain people for whom I am willing to make sacrifices for, inconvenience myself for, and try to help make them happy.

My DH and I want each other to be happy but more importantly, we are each willing to do what it takes to help make that happen. There is a difference in wanting someone to be happy and wanting to be a part of it.

Congratulations on quitting smoking! When my best friend quit smoking, I told her how proud I was of her. The first thing she said was that her husband had not even told her that. I was sad for her.

No one is saying that he doesn't love you, but does he love you in the capacity that you crave? Or does he just love you to the best of his ability? As it suits him? Is that enough?

I mean, you would like to go to the gym, on your own, by yourself, for some "you" time; that would make you happy. But, he doesn't want you to do it; you would be an asshole.

MissK03's picture

This is all true. The best of his ability line is good. That is something that I need to figure out.